People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those of you who cannot comprehend why there is no reciprocation despite many posters spelling out the issues they have, would you prefer that those of us who have hosting deficiencies just decline all of your invitations? Is that what your looking for because you are keeping score?

Yes. I would prefer that. Because I think you would eventually realize how lonely that is and get your act together and stop socially freeloading.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

FYI - no one is forcing you to invite people to your home or even spend money on them. You could initiate an outing to a local event like a fall farm festival or Christmas lights, where it’s pretty understood that everyone pays their way. The point is to show that you actually want to spend time with someone vs. appearing to reluctantly accept their invites.

But it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on, so totally reasonable to preserve your mental bandwidth for important things, which socializing is not. I would never expect a single parent to host.

Isn’t this one of the things that OP is complaining about? That people invite her to dinner and a movie or invite her child on an outing, but they don’t reciprocate hosting in their own home?

No. OP clarified that in a follow up post.

Some of you set up strawman arguments just to argue for the sake of arguing.

OP, I am a PP and this thread has proven my point. People who never reciprocate (which doesn’t require hosting but does mean initiating) have their own issues or deficiencies. It could be physical or mental health issues, or a stressful family life, or they had a poor upbringing and were never taught social graces. Either way, it’s a “them” thing not a “you” thing. If you enjoy their company then invite them to larger gatherings. If you don’t then remove them from your list.

This is what I do. Slowly fade those who claim they will follow up and don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

There are so many people like this replying on the thread that they can’t reciprocate because they don’t want to invite others to their home. As someone who hosts a lot, i view park invites as reciprocation equal to me hosting a dinner party, and I think OP does too. I only get annoyed at the people who truly never invite us to anything. It does not need to be an equal affair to anything I’ve hosted. Just something you’re comfortable with that shows you think of us too and want to prioritize spending time together.

Total non-reciprocators piss me off too, OP, and I eventually cut them off.

OP here. I also appreciate the people who offer to give my children rides. DS has one friend whose mom has said that their home is cluttered and needs updating. She is the first to offer to drive my kid to a birthday party or drive them to and from a school event. They have also bought my child a slice of pizza and McDonald’s and my child enjoyed it.

I have a friend who I have known for over a decade and she bakes us cookies and she will initiate going out to lunch or a movie. I’m frustrated and annoyed at the people who literally never give anything, never offer anything, never invite you to anything. There are many free things one can initiate like a hike or bike ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

There are so many people like this replying on the thread that they can’t reciprocate because they don’t want to invite others to their home. As someone who hosts a lot, i view park invites as reciprocation equal to me hosting a dinner party, and I think OP does too. I only get annoyed at the people who truly never invite us to anything. It does not need to be an equal affair to anything I’ve hosted. Just something you’re comfortable with that shows you think of us too and want to prioritize spending time together.

Total non-reciprocators piss me off too, OP, and I eventually cut them off.

OP here. I also appreciate the people who offer to give my children rides. DS has one friend whose mom has said that their home is cluttered and needs updating. She is the first to offer to drive my kid to a birthday party or drive them to and from a school event. They have also bought my child a slice of pizza and McDonald’s and my child enjoyed it.

I have a friend who I have known for over a decade and she bakes us cookies and she will initiate going out to lunch or a movie. I’m frustrated and annoyed at the people who literally never give anything, never offer anything, never invite you to anything. There are many free things one can initiate like a hike or bike ride.

This. Absolutely boggles my mind how some think they can just take and never give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I have anxiety about hosting (in my home) and didn’t come from a home that hosted. The thought sounds lovely to me and the fear of rejection (no one accepting) or judgement means it doesn’t happen. I’m working on it and I’m older and am unsure of how to change really. I am divorced, no longer live in my former beautiful stunning home. I live in a smaller 2 bedroom apartment etc. My dc is with me biweekly.

Also I don’t drink and many expect booze and have a bar with an assortment of drinks in it. Unsure how to buy wine if I’ve not tasted it. Bought a bottle to take to a social invite that was byob recently. It could have tasted like vinegar for all I know.

People invite me for a while and then they stop. They likely think I’m rude. I’m actually paralyzed. I don’t know you well enough to tell you this.

FYI - no one is forcing you to invite people to your home or even spend money on them. You could initiate an outing to a local event like a fall farm festival or Christmas lights, where it’s pretty understood that everyone pays their way. The point is to show that you actually want to spend time with someone vs. appearing to reluctantly accept their invites.

But it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on, so totally reasonable to preserve your mental bandwidth for important things, which socializing is not. I would never expect a single parent to host.

Isn’t this one of the things that OP is complaining about? That people invite her to dinner and a movie or invite her child on an outing, but they don’t reciprocate hosting in their own home?

No. OP clarified that in a follow up post.

Some of you set up strawman arguments just to argue for the sake of arguing.

OP, I am a PP and this thread has proven my point. People who never reciprocate (which doesn’t require hosting but does mean initiating) have their own issues or deficiencies. It could be physical or mental health issues, or a stressful family life, or they had a poor upbringing and were never taught social graces. Either way, it’s a “them” thing not a “you” thing. If you enjoy their company then invite them to larger gatherings. If you don’t then remove them from your list.

I’m not arguing for the sake of arguing. OP said pretty clearly that she doesn’t like people who don’t reciprocate including
“ friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere.”

And “friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.”

I don’t know what she clarified. I think she is kind of a nut. If people are willing to spend their afternoon or evening with you, then they obviously like you. Who cares if you are the one who sends the initial “want to get together?” text?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

There are so many people like this replying on the thread that they can’t reciprocate because they don’t want to invite others to their home. As someone who hosts a lot, i view park invites as reciprocation equal to me hosting a dinner party, and I think OP does too. I only get annoyed at the people who truly never invite us to anything. It does not need to be an equal affair to anything I’ve hosted. Just something you’re comfortable with that shows you think of us too and want to prioritize spending time together.

Total non-reciprocators piss me off too, OP, and I eventually cut them off.

OP here. I also appreciate the people who offer to give my children rides. DS has one friend whose mom has said that their home is cluttered and needs updating. She is the first to offer to drive my kid to a birthday party or drive them to and from a school event. They have also bought my child a slice of pizza and McDonald’s and my child enjoyed it.

I have a friend who I have known for over a decade and she bakes us cookies and she will initiate going out to lunch or a movie. I’m frustrated and annoyed at the people who literally never give anything, never offer anything, never invite you to anything. There are many free things one can initiate like a hike or bike ride.

I am not with you here, OP. I’m happy to invite kids over for a play date or have friends over for an adult birthday party. I like it when people reciprocate with similar, but I have no interest in anyone attempting to reciprocate by inviting me on some kind of multi-family hike or bike ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

There are so many people like this replying on the thread that they can’t reciprocate because they don’t want to invite others to their home. As someone who hosts a lot, i view park invites as reciprocation equal to me hosting a dinner party, and I think OP does too. I only get annoyed at the people who truly never invite us to anything. It does not need to be an equal affair to anything I’ve hosted. Just something you’re comfortable with that shows you think of us too and want to prioritize spending time together.

Total non-reciprocators piss me off too, OP, and I eventually cut them off.

OP here. I also appreciate the people who offer to give my children rides. DS has one friend whose mom has said that their home is cluttered and needs updating. She is the first to offer to drive my kid to a birthday party or drive them to and from a school event. They have also bought my child a slice of pizza and McDonald’s and my child enjoyed it.

I have a friend who I have known for over a decade and she bakes us cookies and she will initiate going out to lunch or a movie. I’m frustrated and annoyed at the people who literally never give anything, never offer anything, never invite you to anything. There are many free things one can initiate like a hike or bike ride.

I am not with you here, OP. I’m happy to invite kids over for a play date or have friends over for an adult birthday party. I like it when people reciprocate with similar, but I have no interest in anyone attempting to reciprocate by inviting me on some kind of multi-family hike or bike ride.

I just listed something that was free. I have gone walking around the national mall or been asked to go on a run and grab coffee. Most of my adult plans revolve around eating whether it is at a restaurant or someone’s home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care. If I want people to come to my house, it’s because I want to enjoy their company. I don’t put on fancy dinner parties, we are more the big pot of chili, pile of cornbread muffins, plenty of homemade brownies and rice Krispy treats, wine and beer type of dinners.

We have invited a group of friends for years and some don’t reciprocate. I truly don’t care at all. For me it’s not tit for tat.

If you want people to come over, invite them. If you’re only in it for the reverse invitations, then I suggest you just stop hosting.

That’s trashy

Nope—it’s fun and relaxing! My friends and I enjoy it. If it’s not your cup of tea, that’s fine, but calling it trashy just shows me what kind of person you are.

[Anonymous]

I think the reciprocating thing is odd. We live close to two of my kids schools. They have friends over from school once or twice a week, and it’s great. The kids play together or talk about stuff. Sometimes I make cookies or muffins. Sometimes the moms stay and chat when they pick up their kids.
There is one mom who always insists on reciprocating by taking my child out on outings since she can’t have him over to her house. It always makes me feel so guilty. I put almost no effort into having her kid over to play. I’m usually just doing laundry or whatever. It’s definitely not the equivalent of packing lunches, picking my child up, and spending the afternoon at the zoo.
Other moms do things like grab my teenager at the high school when they get their kid, or letting me know that it’s supposed to snow tomorrow and there might not be school. These are things I consider more on par with having someone over to my house.

Really, the fact that I didn’t have to do any driving and my kid got to see her friend is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

There are so many people like this replying on the thread that they can’t reciprocate because they don’t want to invite others to their home. As someone who hosts a lot, i view park invites as reciprocation equal to me hosting a dinner party, and I think OP does too. I only get annoyed at the people who truly never invite us to anything. It does not need to be an equal affair to anything I’ve hosted. Just something you’re comfortable with that shows you think of us too and want to prioritize spending time together.

Total non-reciprocators piss me off too, OP, and I eventually cut them off.

OP here. I also appreciate the people who offer to give my children rides. DS has one friend whose mom has said that their home is cluttered and needs updating. She is the first to offer to drive my kid to a birthday party or drive them to and from a school event. They have also bought my child a slice of pizza and McDonald’s and my child enjoyed it.

I have a friend who I have known for over a decade and she bakes us cookies and she will initiate going out to lunch or a movie. I’m frustrated and annoyed at the people who literally never give anything, never offer anything, never invite you to anything. There are many free things one can initiate like a hike or bike ride.

I am not with you here, OP. I’m happy to invite kids over for a play date or have friends over for an adult birthday party. I like it when people reciprocate with similar, but I have no interest in anyone attempting to reciprocate by inviting me on some kind of multi-family hike or bike ride.

I just listed something that was free. I have gone walking around the national mall or been asked to go on a run and grab coffee. Most of my adult plans revolve around eating whether it is at a restaurant or someone’s home.

I don’t think you want everyone you invited to your Christmas party to invite you to go for a run or to take a stroll around the national mall. And there is no social obligation for anyone to do this.

It sounds like you and your husband just don’t want to feel obligated to invite people you aren’t really friends with to your parties anymore. That’s fine and understandable. If you find out people are hurt, just put it out there that you are having smaller parties or that you are inviting more of your kids’ friends’ parents or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t invite people over. I live in a very rundown apartment building in a tiny and poorly laid out apartment. I am poor, so only invite people to meet at a park or somewhere free and then I bring snacks. This is all I’m capable of. If people don’t want to invite me to things, I understand.

There are so many people like this replying on the thread that they can’t reciprocate because they don’t want to invite others to their home. As someone who hosts a lot, i view park invites as reciprocation equal to me hosting a dinner party, and I think OP does too. I only get annoyed at the people who truly never invite us to anything. It does not need to be an equal affair to anything I’ve hosted. Just something you’re comfortable with that shows you think of us too and want to prioritize spending time together.

Total non-reciprocators piss me off too, OP, and I eventually cut them off.

OP here. I also appreciate the people who offer to give my children rides. DS has one friend whose mom has said that their home is cluttered and needs updating. She is the first to offer to drive my kid to a birthday party or drive them to and from a school event. They have also bought my child a slice of pizza and McDonald’s and my child enjoyed it.

I have a friend who I have known for over a decade and she bakes us cookies and she will initiate going out to lunch or a movie. I’m frustrated and annoyed at the people who literally never give anything, never offer anything, never invite you to anything. There are many free things one can initiate like a hike or bike ride.

This attitude gives me such an ick! It’s very “what can you do for me” - I just do NOT think of social relationships this way!! You’re literally proving that it’s not about wanting to have your kid play at someone’s house, it’s about whether people are doing favors for you. To each their own, but you should at least realize not everyone works this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who never ever invite us to anything. I am thinking of a few friends who I have known for over a decade who I have hosted in my home dozens of times and they have never invited us anywhere. I have friends who don’t host us in their home but they may invite my child out for an outing or a play date or suggest dinner or a movie.

Over the years, I stopped inviting some people who never reach out unless I invite them. At the same time, I can tell that they feel bad that they were not included.

Do people who never reciprocate expect to constantly be invited?

They may have messy houses, like me.

Your messy house is not stopping you from inviting us to meet at a park or museum or go to a local event together. So many pathetic people on this thread offering lame excuses why they can’t reciprocate in any way.

Reciprocating can be free. It does not need to involve your house.

This thread has actually hardened my feelings against the non-reciprocators. The excuses are a bit pathetic.

This thread made me realize why there are so many takers. Lord so many excuses. Reciprocating can be anything coffee outside, walk to a park, etc.

Shame you all don't know how to show up. This confirmed cutting those who never follow through or reciprocate in any capacity is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

If they aren't reciprocating, stop inviting them. Non-reciprocation means they don't like get-togethers and going over to other people's houses is just something they feel like they have to do. It's a chore. They will be relieved to stop getting the invites.