My husband died from alcoholism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting these pushback posts. I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate you opening people’s eyes that this is how alcoholism can present.

All the people on this thread pushing back need to take a long, hard look at their own alcohol use. Needing to argue it's not a problem is a massive red flag for a problem.

I am not one of these posters, but wish there was more out there on what an ok level actually is /the effects at each level. I know people will say any is too much, but that is just not going to happen for a good amount of people. At what level do the really serious effects occur?

It's a roll of the dice. It's that simple. There is no quantifiable safe amount. People who drank far less than I did had to go to detox centers because they had seizures going cold turkey. My detox was relatively easy and I didn't have any of the horrible symptoms that can happen when you abruptly quit. If you're asking this question, the only answer is that you should stop drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting these pushback posts. I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate you opening people’s eyes that this is how alcoholism can present.

All the people on this thread pushing back need to take a long, hard look at their own alcohol use. Needing to argue it's not a problem is a massive red flag for a problem.

I am not one of these posters, but wish there was more out there on what an ok level actually is /the effects at each level. I know people will say any is too much, but that is just not going to happen for a good amount of people. At what level do the really serious effects occur?

Alcoholic here. It changes over time, as your relationship with alcohol changes. I didn’t even drink until I was 21! No partying in high school or college. When I was young, if anything, I drank less than most people in my attorney circles. I was always good to be the DD, never day drank or drank alone, etc.

Over time it gradually snuck up on me until a glass of wine because a nightly thing. For ten years. Then it became 2, then 3. Then gradually, over the course of years, it became 2-3 bottles and plenty of hard liquor in addition on the weekends.

Now I am sober, I would say that when whether or not, or how to drink should not occupy much mental headspace. Of course you have to plan whether to drive or not to be safe (I never drove drunk), but if you are the DD does it bother you? Do you plan drinks because you “need” them to have fun/relax/get through things? If you are using alcohol as a crutch of any kind, not good. A person can take or leave it if they have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I guess that is kind of what I would say to people wondering how you know you have a problem, but really talk to your doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

OP here- completely fully functioning. He had the same job for 15 years and was very well respected. We’ve taken a weeklong vacations with no issues whatsoever. No car crashes or DUIs. No blackouts. Occasional episodes but just at home and mostly picking fights and being petty or argumentative. No yelling or physical violence of any kind.

Wow my husbands alcoholism is just as the pp described, lost job/friends etc ..plus raging fights. Hidden vodka bottles everywhere, him passed out half the time.
He has suddenly stopped for the last 2 months after two decades of the above (it escalates.. he had a great job and only left it 1 year ago).

None of the treatment centers worked but now he suddenly stopped out of the blue. He seems okay just a bit weak. Im encouraging him to get his strength back, proper nutrition etc.
When he drank he barely ate anything.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry, OP. I hate that you and your kids had this tragedy befall you, and that your husband couldn't overcome his addiction. It's kind of you to share your story to help others.

Remember to put on your oxygen mask, let others help you, and get the professional help you and the kids deserve right now. And remember that you are not to blame.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your loss, OP. My DH is most definitely a very high functioning alcoholic. He drinks, openly, an enormous amount and I haven’t been able to address it with him for years. I appreciate your honesty and hope you find support. I feel that you have given me some courage to try once again to talk to my husband. It’s obvious from some of the responses here that people have misguided ideas of what alcoholism looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is a "ridiculous amount'?

Not tying to take from your story, but without a defined quantity, I feel like these posts are just troll attempts to scare the wine mommies who drink a bottle every night.

That isn't ideal but it's unlikely to kill you

Unless he had Hepatitis or other liver damage, a healthy man would need to drink something like 20 drinks a day for decades for it to kill him. This doesn't happen to Joe 6 pack.

Reporting this post

Hey dingbat, you can report the posts, but when you quote them and repost them, those posts stay on forever.

OP, I am sorry for your loss, and I am sorry about some of the ignorant responses you are getting from wine moms/whiskey dads in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry for your loss, OP. My DH is most definitely a very high functioning alcoholic. He drinks, openly, an enormous amount and I haven’t been able to address it with him for years. I appreciate your honesty and hope you find support. I feel that you have given me some courage to try once again to talk to my husband. It’s obvious from some of the responses here that people have misguided ideas of what alcoholism looks like.

Addressing it would be great. My ex ignored it but it was also convenient for him. I am always envious of people in AA meetings who say their spouse confronted them. Obviously they had to decide for themselves to do something, but saying it worries you shows you care, and that's a lot. You can't control the outcome but you can speak your truth. Most people I know who got sober were quite high functioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

I am a PP alcoholic drinking 2-3 bottles of wine every day. Sometimes I drank much, much more at parties. I didn’t have any DUIs, have a perfect driving record, have the same job I’ve had for 15 years, high performer at top of my field still. I still publish.

Many alcoholics drink as stress relief, because they are type A overachievers. I was just as good at hiding my alcoholism as I was good at everything else I have ever done. Even now no one in my real life knows how bad it was. I am glad AF is becoming popular with the younger set, it just makes me look cool now to be drinking kombucha instead of alcohol.

The trope of what alcoholism looks like is just a trope. Alcoholism comes in all shapes and sizes and levels of success.

how did you function every day when hungover?

As others have mentioned, when you get far enough into alcoholism you stop having traditional hangovers. Instead, as the alcohol recedes from your system, you get withdrawal, which is much, much worse than a hangover. Over time your body adapts to alcohol, which is a depressant on the central nervous system. To maintain homeostasis, your body works very hard to counter the depressant effects of alcohol. Once you take the alcohol away, it's like taking the breaks off a runaway train. The blood pressure skies. The heart is thumping. Thoughts are racing. Sometimes there are auditory hallucinations. Endless insomnia. It goes on for days, like you are on the very edge of stroke, heart attack, or seizure. And all it takes to stop the misery is a drink.

It sucks. It's really hard to get out of once you've spiraled into a physiological dependency. Even when you get past the acute withdrawal, your reward is a complete dopamine collapse for a few weeks longer. It takes months until your brain returns to baseline normal. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

That sounds unbearable. It must have been so hard to get yourself to stop. How did you do it?

OP - I'm so, so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I lost my husband a couple years ago at age 46 to alcoholism. I saw the signs and I couldn't prevent it either. His death was the least surprising shock of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry, for you and your kids. Please remember to talk to your kids about the genetic component of addiction (this will be a talk you have multiple times as they grow up) that they need to watch out for.

Yes, it sounds like if your DH had tried to stop without medical intervention he would have dealt with serious medical issues, so he might have been caught between a rock and a hard place. Addiction is a terrible thing.

+100

My maternal grandfather and my mother were/are alcoholics and I have been careful about drinking myself since I took my first sip. I have also talked to my kids, who are now 10, about it in age-appropriate ways their whole lives.

I hope you and your kids are in therapy, jointly and separately, and that they continue that their whole lives. I'm so sorry for what happened to you, I can only hope you and your children can break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting these pushback posts. I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate you opening people’s eyes that this is how alcoholism can present.

All the people on this thread pushing back need to take a long, hard look at their own alcohol use. Needing to argue it's not a problem is a massive red flag for a problem.

I am not one of these posters, but wish there was more out there on what an ok level actually is /the effects at each level. I know people will say any is too much, but that is just not going to happen for a good amount of people. At what level do the really serious effects occur?

Alcoholic here. It changes over time, as your relationship with alcohol changes. I didn’t even drink until I was 21! No partying in high school or college. When I was young, if anything, I drank less than most people in my attorney circles. I was always good to be the DD, never day drank or drank alone, etc.

Over time it gradually snuck up on me until a glass of wine because a nightly thing. For ten years. Then it became 2, then 3. Then gradually, over the course of years, it became 2-3 bottles and plenty of hard liquor in addition on the weekends.

Now I am sober, I would say that when whether or not, or how to drink should not occupy much mental headspace. Of course you have to plan whether to drive or not to be safe (I never drove drunk), but if you are the DD does it bother you? Do you plan drinks because you “need” them to have fun/relax/get through things? If you are using alcohol as a crutch of any kind, not good. A person can take or leave it if they have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I guess that is kind of what I would say to people wondering how you know you have a problem, but really talk to your doctor.

Congratulations on your hard-fought sobriety.

[Anonymous]

Thank you OP and everyone else who opened up.

I’m heartened by the development that the new GLP-1 drugs may help address addiction.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss, and echo the posts about taking care of yourself in this moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

I am a PP alcoholic drinking 2-3 bottles of wine every day. Sometimes I drank much, much more at parties. I didn’t have any DUIs, have a perfect driving record, have the same job I’ve had for 15 years, high performer at top of my field still. I still publish.

Many alcoholics drink as stress relief, because they are type A overachievers. I was just as good at hiding my alcoholism as I was good at everything else I have ever done. Even now no one in my real life knows how bad it was. I am glad AF is becoming popular with the younger set, it just makes me look cool now to be drinking kombucha instead of alcohol.

The trope of what alcoholism looks like is just a trope. Alcoholism comes in all shapes and sizes and levels of success.

how did you function every day when hungover?

As others have mentioned, when you get far enough into alcoholism you stop having traditional hangovers. Instead, as the alcohol recedes from your system, you get withdrawal, which is much, much worse than a hangover. Over time your body adapts to alcohol, which is a depressant on the central nervous system. To maintain homeostasis, your body works very hard to counter the depressant effects of alcohol. Once you take the alcohol away, it's like taking the breaks off a runaway train. The blood pressure skies. The heart is thumping. Thoughts are racing. Sometimes there are auditory hallucinations. Endless insomnia. It goes on for days, like you are on the very edge of stroke, heart attack, or seizure. And all it takes to stop the misery is a drink.

It sucks. It's really hard to get out of once you've spiraled into a physiological dependency. Even when you get past the acute withdrawal, your reward is a complete dopamine collapse for a few weeks longer. It takes months until your brain returns to baseline normal. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

That sounds unbearable. It must have been so hard to get yourself to stop. How did you do it?

OP - I'm so, so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Rehab for the first four weeks. Highly recommend. Then meetings to find a network of people in recovery. Tons of exercise - running, weight training, yoga. It's easier to focus on the body before addressing the mind. And the endorphins help counter the dopamine crash. Then time. About three months until you feel normal-ish. 6 months or so until cravings and intrusive thoughts generally recede. This from a liter of vodka a day habit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

I am a PP alcoholic drinking 2-3 bottles of wine every day. Sometimes I drank much, much more at parties. I didn’t have any DUIs, have a perfect driving record, have the same job I’ve had for 15 years, high performer at top of my field still. I still publish.

Many alcoholics drink as stress relief, because they are type A overachievers. I was just as good at hiding my alcoholism as I was good at everything else I have ever done. Even now no one in my real life knows how bad it was. I am glad AF is becoming popular with the younger set, it just makes me look cool now to be drinking kombucha instead of alcohol.

The trope of what alcoholism looks like is just a trope. Alcoholism comes in all shapes and sizes and levels of success.

how did you function every day when hungover?

As others have mentioned, when you get far enough into alcoholism you stop having traditional hangovers. Instead, as the alcohol recedes from your system, you get withdrawal, which is much, much worse than a hangover. Over time your body adapts to alcohol, which is a depressant on the central nervous system. To maintain homeostasis, your body works very hard to counter the depressant effects of alcohol. Once you take the alcohol away, it's like taking the breaks off a runaway train. The blood pressure skies. The heart is thumping. Thoughts are racing. Sometimes there are auditory hallucinations. Endless insomnia. It goes on for days, like you are on the very edge of stroke, heart attack, or seizure. And all it takes to stop the misery is a drink.

It sucks. It's really hard to get out of once you've spiraled into a physiological dependency. Even when you get past the acute withdrawal, your reward is a complete dopamine collapse for a few weeks longer. It takes months until your brain returns to baseline normal. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

That sounds unbearable. It must have been so hard to get yourself to stop. How did you do it?

OP - I'm so, so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Rehab for the first four weeks. Highly recommend. Then meetings to find a network of people in recovery. Tons of exercise - running, weight training, yoga. It's easier to focus on the body before addressing the mind. And the endorphins help counter the dopamine crash. Then time. About three months until you feel normal-ish. 6 months or so until cravings and intrusive thoughts generally recede. This from a liter of vodka a day habit.

My friend’s husband with severe alcoholism is refusing residential rehab and AA. I think he’s not going to make it. We all think it’s basically suicide.

I think there’s a real complication when people are self-medicating to deal with a mental illness and/or trauma. That must make the process you are describing much more difficult. He doesn’t want to live really.