My husband died from alcoholism

[Anonymous]

I wanted to share my story in case it helps someone else. My husband passed away four months ago at 48 years old. He had struggled with alcohol in the past, but I truly thought he had it under control. What we initially thought was a stomach bug escalated so quickly—within days, he was in full liver and kidney failure. Weeks later, I found several vodka bottles hidden in his boots, closet, and car. It turns out he had been secretly drinking a ridiculous amount of liquor. He was still working full-time and doing all the things he always did. It seems like his body was hanging on by a thread, but eventually, it just couldn’t take it anymore.

He leaves behind two children who will now grow up without a father. From the outside, everything seemed perfect—he had a great job, a nice home, and so many friends and colleagues who cared about him. No one suspected how bad things really were, including me.

I’m feeling so many emotions—grief, anger, guilt, disbelief. I had considered leaving him in the past, but like I said, it seemed like things were getting better. Through talking to addiction counselors, I learned that it was more likely end-stage alcoholism. His body had become so dependent on alcohol that he didn’t even get drunk.

If you suspect a loved one is drinking in secret, please don’t ignore those instincts. I just wish I had known. I had no experience with alcoholism or addiction.

[Anonymous]

It probably feels more preventable than cancer - but OP, you couldn’t have made him get help if he didn’t want it. That’s the tragedy of addiction.

[Anonymous]

That's very rare, OP. Most alcoholics develop serious symptoms before they die, and their families' lives are conflict-ridden and stressful for years. In some ways, you're lucky this ended the way it did, with minimal involvement on your part and no witnessing of abuse and strife by your children. You couldn't have saved him anyway.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for your loss. We don’t know what great struggles others are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. Part of my job is working with people struggling with addiction and I think people don't realize how many don't fit the stereotype of what an addict looks like. So many people are able to fly under the radar. I still remember the first time I was having a full on normal conversation with a man whose BAC level was high enough where most people would be dead. His body was so used to it, he barely even seemed tipsy.

I know you're talking to addiction counselors, but I hope you're seeing someone to process your own thoughts too. It's so easy to look back and think of the things you wish you could have done differently and that can lead you down a dark spiral.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry, for you and your kids. Please remember to talk to your kids about the genetic component of addiction (this will be a talk you have multiple times as they grow up) that they need to watch out for.

Yes, it sounds like if your DH had tried to stop without medical intervention he would have dealt with serious medical issues, so he might have been caught between a rock and a hard place. Addiction is a terrible thing.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.
Terrible to lose a husband and father so soon.
People dont really get that alcohol abuse can be so devastating! I know someone who had alcohol-induced dementia at age 56 and it looked just like Alzheimer’s. I didn’t even know this was a possibility and it was horrifyingly shocking and so sad.

[Anonymous]

Something like this happened to a relative by marriage. The people closest to her didn't know she was an alcoholic. She went to work every day, exercised regularly, went out with friends, kept up her appearance (always had impeccable hair, makeup, etc.)...and then one day started vomiting up blood and was dead within 12 hours due to liver failure/cirrhosis.

[Anonymous]

One of my BILs friends died at 40 from it. My FIL was in and out of the hospital with cancer and we saw him getting treatment there. I’ve never seen actual yellow eyes. Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP. Part of my job is working with people struggling with addiction and I think people don't realize how many don't fit the stereotype of what an addict looks like. So many people are able to fly under the radar. I still remember the first time I was having a full on normal conversation with a man whose BAC level was high enough where most people would be dead. His body was so used to it, he barely even seemed tipsy.

I know you're talking to addiction counselors, but I hope you're seeing someone to process your own thoughts too. It's so easy to look back and think of the things you wish you could have done differently and that can lead you down a dark spiral.

Quoting the post above because I hope you'll re-read it, OP, and follow its advice. Please, if your'e not already, get into therapy or grief counseling, if possible with a professional who has some experience in grief after deaths caused by addictions. One reason to start therapy now is so that you don't, as the PP notes, go into a spiral later. Sometimes it takes many months or even years for things to really hit hard, and if you start getting support now, you may be better prepared down the road. Don't hesitate. If you can't afford therapy, there are also self-help groups for people who are grieving. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss, op, and it’s very kind of you to post this psa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to share my story in case it helps someone else. My husband passed away four months ago at 48 years old. He had struggled with alcohol in the past, but I truly thought he had it under control. What we initially thought was a stomach bug escalated so quickly—within days, he was in full liver and kidney failure. Weeks later, I found several vodka bottles hidden in his boots, closet, and car. It turns out he had been secretly drinking a ridiculous amount of liquor. He was still working full-time and doing all the things he always did. It seems like his body was hanging on by a thread, but eventually, it just couldn’t take it anymore.

He leaves behind two children who will now grow up without a father. From the outside, everything seemed perfect—he had a great job, a nice home, and so many friends and colleagues who cared about him. No one suspected how bad things really were, including me.

I’m feeling so many emotions—grief, anger, guilt, disbelief. I had considered leaving him in the past, but like I said, it seemed like things were getting better. Through talking to addiction counselors, I learned that it was more likely end-stage alcoholism. His body had become so dependent on alcohol that he didn’t even get drunk.

If you suspect a loved one is drinking in secret, please don’t ignore those instincts. I just wish I had known. I had no experience with alcoholism or addiction.

My Brother-in-law is an alcoholic and has BPD. No words. Sending you lots and lots of support and hugs. Very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking when something could have been done but they didn't or weren't able to stop.

This is more common than you think. I know three women whose husbands died from cirrhosis of the liver, plus a friend's girlfriend. She actually had a liver transplant but never got well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is a "ridiculous amount'?

Not tying to take from your story, but without a defined quantity, I feel like these posts are just troll attempts to scare the wine mommies who drink a bottle every night.

That isn't ideal but it's unlikely to kill you

Unless he had Hepatitis or other liver damage, a healthy man would need to drink something like 20 drinks a day for decades for it to kill him. This doesn't happen to Joe 6 pack.

I’m no teetotaler but drinking a bottle of wine every night is horrifying. Those people should be scared!
OP I’m very sorry for your loss and your children’s loss. Thank you for sharing your story to help others.

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry for your loss. Peace to you and your children.