My husband died from alcoholism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

I am a PP alcoholic drinking 2-3 bottles of wine every day. Sometimes I drank much, much more at parties. I didn’t have any DUIs, have a perfect driving record, have the same job I’ve had for 15 years, high performer at top of my field still. I still publish.

Many alcoholics drink as stress relief, because they are type A overachievers. I was just as good at hiding my alcoholism as I was good at everything else I have ever done. Even now no one in my real life knows how bad it was. I am glad AF is becoming popular with the younger set, it just makes me look cool now to be drinking kombucha instead of alcohol.

The trope of what alcoholism looks like is just a trope. Alcoholism comes in all shapes and sizes and levels of success.

My H was like this. I had zero idea he was an alcoholic - he functioned and behaved the EXACT same but was drinking a ton. I still have no clue where he hid all the bottles or where he drank them. I only know because he wanted to get sober after we had DC and confessed to me.

[Anonymous]

Odd question- when you’re drinking that much don’t you just sort of reek of alcohol? How is it even possible to hide it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to share my story in case it helps someone else. My husband passed away four months ago at 48 years old. He had struggled with alcohol in the past, but I truly thought he had it under control. What we initially thought was a stomach bug escalated so quickly—within days, he was in full liver and kidney failure. Weeks later, I found several vodka bottles hidden in his boots, closet, and car. It turns out he had been secretly drinking a ridiculous amount of liquor. He was still working full-time and doing all the things he always did. It seems like his body was hanging on by a thread, but eventually, it just couldn’t take it anymore.

He leaves behind two children who will now grow up without a father. From the outside, everything seemed perfect—he had a great job, a nice home, and so many friends and colleagues who cared about him. No one suspected how bad things really were, including me.

I’m feeling so many emotions—grief, anger, guilt, disbelief. I had considered leaving him in the past, but like I said, it seemed like things were getting better. Through talking to addiction counselors, I learned that it was more likely end-stage alcoholism. His body had become so dependent on alcohol that he didn’t even get drunk.

If you suspect a loved one is drinking in secret, please don’t ignore those instincts. I just wish I had known. I had no experience with alcoholism or addiction.

Thank you for posting. My heart breaks for you. A close friend's dad died from this kind of alcoholism around the same age as your husband, same thing - very successful in his field and left behind two adolescent children and a ton of empty vodka bottles stashed all over the house.

I'm sober now. My drinking was blatant and I didn't try to hide it but I've heard many, many stories from people in AA who hid their drinking pretty successfully until they couldn't. In the end I knew my drinking was going to kill me and I was somehow able to stop. I think it's a crap shoot, just like with smoking. This kind of alcohol abuse kills some but not all.

I don't know a lot about AlAnon but I wonder if it could be helpful to you. Friends tell me that like AA not all AlAnon groups are the same. You are also welcome to attend any open AA meeting (meeting guides will tell you whether they are open or closed - closed meetings are only for people who identify as alcoholics). Thank you for your post. Please don't blame yourself. There is literally not a thing anyone can do to help an alcoholic if they are not ready/able to get help. It's an awful disease and I'm sorry it took your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Odd question- when you’re drinking that much don’t you just sort of reek of alcohol? How is it even possible to hide it?

Some people do and some people don't.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, and for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

I am a PP alcoholic drinking 2-3 bottles of wine every day. Sometimes I drank much, much more at parties. I didn’t have any DUIs, have a perfect driving record, have the same job I’ve had for 15 years, high performer at top of my field still. I still publish.

Many alcoholics drink as stress relief, because they are type A overachievers. I was just as good at hiding my alcoholism as I was good at everything else I have ever done. Even now no one in my real life knows how bad it was. I am glad AF is becoming popular with the younger set, it just makes me look cool now to be drinking kombucha instead of alcohol.

The trope of what alcoholism looks like is just a trope. Alcoholism comes in all shapes and sizes and levels of success.

how did you function every day when hungover?

As others have mentioned, when you get far enough into alcoholism you stop having traditional hangovers. Instead, as the alcohol recedes from your system, you get withdrawal, which is much, much worse than a hangover. Over time your body adapts to alcohol, which is a depressant on the central nervous system. To maintain homeostasis, your body works very hard to counter the depressant effects of alcohol. Once you take the alcohol away, it's like taking the breaks off a runaway train. The blood pressure skies. The heart is thumping. Thoughts are racing. Sometimes there are auditory hallucinations. Endless insomnia. It goes on for days, like you are on the very edge of stroke, heart attack, or seizure. And all it takes to stop the misery is a drink.

It sucks. It's really hard to get out of once you've spiraled into a physiological dependency. Even when you get past the acute withdrawal, your reward is a complete dopamine collapse for a few weeks longer. It takes months until your brain returns to baseline normal. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

With all respect for your enormous loss, please seek professional help. You had an addict in your life. There is no way this was a secret. There were lies and manipulation you experienced. This now makes both of your children very likely to repeat the pattern.

Alcoholism is the single, most destructive force in the longitudinal study of happiness by Harvard. It rotted generations of families. Get help for everyone in your family. Today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

The fact that most people believe that only alcoholics who fit the stereotype/trope have a problem is a large part of why people don't get the help they need.

Add to that the money paid by Big Alcohol to gaslight you into thinking their little "drink responsibly" text is a magic spell of protection and you have an entire culture dangerously ignorant to the actual impact and effects of alcohol consumption.

Someday, we will treat alcohol the way we treat lead: there is no safe level.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP.

I never had addiction in my family or ex-boyfriends.

My husband always liked to drink and have fun at parties, I didn't know what a normal amount was.

Then it turned into needing to go out all the time with his friends drinking, going to the bars alone, then buying a bottle of vodka on the way home and drinking it.

He is trying to quit but he has many addicts in his family who use alcohol and drugs to deal with life. A trip with his family means constant drinking and drugs because they find it fun, I can't stand to spend time with them anymore.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. It is devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting these pushback posts. I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate you opening people’s eyes that this is how alcoholism can present.

All the people on this thread pushing back need to take a long, hard look at their own alcohol use. Needing to argue it's not a problem is a massive red flag for a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op: nobody has mentioned widowhood without alcoholism. I was widowed and I think, regardless of the alcohol alcoholism quotient you need to think about that part. If you go to counseling right now you’re dealing with the immediate after effects of this situation. Please don’t be surprised if you need to revisit going to therapy after a break that’s a year from now or 18 months or two years. I want to also thank you for starting this thread. I’ve been trying to quit since 2019 and I can’t do it.

You absolutely can quit, PP. You are not the exception to recovery. ODAAT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to share my story in case it helps someone else. My husband passed away four months ago at 48 years old. He had struggled with alcohol in the past, but I truly thought he had it under control. What we initially thought was a stomach bug escalated so quickly—within days, he was in full liver and kidney failure. Weeks later, I found several vodka bottles hidden in his boots, closet, and car. It turns out he had been secretly drinking a ridiculous amount of liquor. He was still working full-time and doing all the things he always did. It seems like his body was hanging on by a thread, but eventually, it just couldn’t take it anymore.

He leaves behind two children who will now grow up without a father. From the outside, everything seemed perfect—he had a great job, a nice home, and so many friends and colleagues who cared about him. No one suspected how bad things really were, including me.

I’m feeling so many emotions—grief, anger, guilt, disbelief. I had considered leaving him in the past, but like I said, it seemed like things were getting better. Through talking to addiction counselors, I learned that it was more likely end-stage alcoholism. His body had become so dependent on alcohol that he didn’t even get drunk.

If you suspect a loved one is drinking in secret, please don’t ignore those instincts. I just wish I had known. I had no experience with alcoholism or addiction.

Thank you for posting. My heart breaks for you. A close friend's dad died from this kind of alcoholism around the same age as your husband, same thing - very successful in his field and left behind two adolescent children and a ton of empty vodka bottles stashed all over the house.

I'm sober now. My drinking was blatant and I didn't try to hide it but I've heard many, many stories from people in AA who hid their drinking pretty successfully until they couldn't. In the end I knew my drinking was going to kill me and I was somehow able to stop. I think it's a crap shoot, just like with smoking. This kind of alcohol abuse kills some but not all.

I don't know a lot about AlAnon but I wonder if it could be helpful to you. Friends tell me that like AA not all AlAnon groups are the same. You are also welcome to attend any open AA meeting (meeting guides will tell you whether they are open or closed - closed meetings are only for people who identify as alcoholics). Thank you for your post. Please don't blame yourself. There is literally not a thing anyone can do to help an alcoholic if they are not ready/able to get help. It's an awful disease and I'm sorry it took your husband.

But is it really hidden? I've had coworkers act completely bipolar that I'd believe were alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to share my story in case it helps someone else. My husband passed away four months ago at 48 years old. He had struggled with alcohol in the past, but I truly thought he had it under control. What we initially thought was a stomach bug escalated so quickly—within days, he was in full liver and kidney failure. Weeks later, I found several vodka bottles hidden in his boots, closet, and car. It turns out he had been secretly drinking a ridiculous amount of liquor. He was still working full-time and doing all the things he always did. It seems like his body was hanging on by a thread, but eventually, it just couldn’t take it anymore.

He leaves behind two children who will now grow up without a father. From the outside, everything seemed perfect—he had a great job, a nice home, and so many friends and colleagues who cared about him. No one suspected how bad things really were, including me.

I’m feeling so many emotions—grief, anger, guilt, disbelief. I had considered leaving him in the past, but like I said, it seemed like things were getting better. Through talking to addiction counselors, I learned that it was more likely end-stage alcoholism. His body had become so dependent on alcohol that he didn’t even get drunk.

If you suspect a loved one is drinking in secret, please don’t ignore those instincts. I just wish I had known. I had no experience with alcoholism or addiction.

Thank you for posting. My heart breaks for you. A close friend's dad died from this kind of alcoholism around the same age as your husband, same thing - very successful in his field and left behind two adolescent children and a ton of empty vodka bottles stashed all over the house.

I'm sober now. My drinking was blatant and I didn't try to hide it but I've heard many, many stories from people in AA who hid their drinking pretty successfully until they couldn't. In the end I knew my drinking was going to kill me and I was somehow able to stop. I think it's a crap shoot, just like with smoking. This kind of alcohol abuse kills some but not all.

I don't know a lot about AlAnon but I wonder if it could be helpful to you. Friends tell me that like AA not all AlAnon groups are the same. You are also welcome to attend any open AA meeting (meeting guides will tell you whether they are open or closed - closed meetings are only for people who identify as alcoholics). Thank you for your post. Please don't blame yourself. There is literally not a thing anyone can do to help an alcoholic if they are not ready/able to get help. It's an awful disease and I'm sorry it took your husband.

But is it really hidden? I've had coworkers act completely bipolar that I'd believe were alcoholics.

It's like having a cheating spouse who covers there tracks. You may see signs here and there but you can't quite identify what the problem is. Alcoholics, like cheaters, are often amazing gaslighters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting these pushback posts. I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate you opening people’s eyes that this is how alcoholism can present.

All the people on this thread pushing back need to take a long, hard look at their own alcohol use. Needing to argue it's not a problem is a massive red flag for a problem.

I am not one of these posters, but wish there was more out there on what an ok level actually is /the effects at each level. I know people will say any is too much, but that is just not going to happen for a good amount of people. At what level do the really serious effects occur?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to share my story in case it helps someone else. My husband passed away four months ago at 48 years old. He had struggled with alcohol in the past, but I truly thought he had it under control. What we initially thought was a stomach bug escalated so quickly—within days, he was in full liver and kidney failure. Weeks later, I found several vodka bottles hidden in his boots, closet, and car. It turns out he had been secretly drinking a ridiculous amount of liquor. He was still working full-time and doing all the things he always did. It seems like his body was hanging on by a thread, but eventually, it just couldn’t take it anymore.

He leaves behind two children who will now grow up without a father. From the outside, everything seemed perfect—he had a great job, a nice home, and so many friends and colleagues who cared about him. No one suspected how bad things really were, including me.

I’m feeling so many emotions—grief, anger, guilt, disbelief. I had considered leaving him in the past, but like I said, it seemed like things were getting better. Through talking to addiction counselors, I learned that it was more likely end-stage alcoholism. His body had become so dependent on alcohol that he didn’t even get drunk.

If you suspect a loved one is drinking in secret, please don’t ignore those instincts. I just wish I had known. I had no experience with alcoholism or addiction.

Thank you for posting. My heart breaks for you. A close friend's dad died from this kind of alcoholism around the same age as your husband, same thing - very successful in his field and left behind two adolescent children and a ton of empty vodka bottles stashed all over the house.

I'm sober now. My drinking was blatant and I didn't try to hide it but I've heard many, many stories from people in AA who hid their drinking pretty successfully until they couldn't. In the end I knew my drinking was going to kill me and I was somehow able to stop. I think it's a crap shoot, just like with smoking. This kind of alcohol abuse kills some but not all.

I don't know a lot about AlAnon but I wonder if it could be helpful to you. Friends tell me that like AA not all AlAnon groups are the same. You are also welcome to attend any open AA meeting (meeting guides will tell you whether they are open or closed - closed meetings are only for people who identify as alcoholics). Thank you for your post. Please don't blame yourself. There is literally not a thing anyone can do to help an alcoholic if they are not ready/able to get help. It's an awful disease and I'm sorry it took your husband.

But is it really hidden? I've had coworkers act completely bipolar that I'd believe were alcoholics.

It's like having a cheating spouse who covers there tracks. You may see signs here and there but you can't quite identify what the problem is. Alcoholics, like cheaters, are often amazing gaslighters.

^^THEIR, not there..