My husband died from alcoholism

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry for your loss. I'm glad you are seeking therapy from an addiction counselor. The emotions associated with losing a loved one to alcoholism, especially when they'd kept it hidden so well, are vast and complicated.

I haven't read through this entire thread, but I'm guessing there will be a lot of ignorant comments from people who have never dealt with addiction. Please do your best to ignore them. Many of us understand and my heart goes out to you. I wish you and your family comfort and strength during this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

I am a PP alcoholic drinking 2-3 bottles of wine every day. Sometimes I drank much, much more at parties. I didn’t have any DUIs, have a perfect driving record, have the same job I’ve had for 15 years, high performer at top of my field still. I still publish.

Many alcoholics drink as stress relief, because they are type A overachievers. I was just as good at hiding my alcoholism as I was good at everything else I have ever done. Even now no one in my real life knows how bad it was. I am glad AF is becoming popular with the younger set, it just makes me look cool now to be drinking kombucha instead of alcohol.

The trope of what alcoholism looks like is just a trope. Alcoholism comes in all shapes and sizes and levels of success.

how did you function every day when hungover?

As others have mentioned, when you get far enough into alcoholism you stop having traditional hangovers. Instead, as the alcohol recedes from your system, you get withdrawal, which is much, much worse than a hangover. Over time your body adapts to alcohol, which is a depressant on the central nervous system. To maintain homeostasis, your body works very hard to counter the depressant effects of alcohol. Once you take the alcohol away, it's like taking the breaks off a runaway train. The blood pressure skies. The heart is thumping. Thoughts are racing. Sometimes there are auditory hallucinations. Endless insomnia. It goes on for days, like you are on the very edge of stroke, heart attack, or seizure. And all it takes to stop the misery is a drink.

It sucks. It's really hard to get out of once you've spiraled into a physiological dependency. Even when you get past the acute withdrawal, your reward is a complete dopamine collapse for a few weeks longer. It takes months until your brain returns to baseline normal. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

That sounds unbearable. It must have been so hard to get yourself to stop. How did you do it?

OP - I'm so, so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Rehab for the first four weeks. Highly recommend. Then meetings to find a network of people in recovery. Tons of exercise - running, weight training, yoga. It's easier to focus on the body before addressing the mind. And the endorphins help counter the dopamine crash. Then time. About three months until you feel normal-ish. 6 months or so until cravings and intrusive thoughts generally recede. This from a liter of vodka a day habit.

My friend’s husband with severe alcoholism is refusing residential rehab and AA. I think he’s not going to make it. We all think it’s basically suicide.

I think there’s a real complication when people are self-medicating to deal with a mental illness and/or trauma. That must make the process you are describing much more difficult. He doesn’t want to live really.

Unfortunately, it's impossible to get an accurate understanding of underlying issues until the alcohol is truly out of their system. Alcohol distorts everything in the brain. It creates its own stress, anxiety, depression, and so on. Every severe alcoholic is pretty much the same. Active addiction is a very simple life. But once the alcohol is gone, people will experience the world in vastly different ways and only then can you get a sense of what is real and true. Alas, overcoming addiction only happens when the addict is willing to get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's very rare, OP. Most alcoholics develop serious symptoms before they die, and their families' lives are conflict-ridden and stressful for years. In some ways, you're lucky this ended the way it did, with minimal involvement on your part and no witnessing of abuse and strife by your children. You couldn't have saved him anyway.

Well, aren't you a piece of shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

I am a PP alcoholic drinking 2-3 bottles of wine every day. Sometimes I drank much, much more at parties. I didn’t have any DUIs, have a perfect driving record, have the same job I’ve had for 15 years, high performer at top of my field still. I still publish.

Many alcoholics drink as stress relief, because they are type A overachievers. I was just as good at hiding my alcoholism as I was good at everything else I have ever done. Even now no one in my real life knows how bad it was. I am glad AF is becoming popular with the younger set, it just makes me look cool now to be drinking kombucha instead of alcohol.

The trope of what alcoholism looks like is just a trope. Alcoholism comes in all shapes and sizes and levels of success.

how did you function every day when hungover?

As others have mentioned, when you get far enough into alcoholism you stop having traditional hangovers. Instead, as the alcohol recedes from your system, you get withdrawal, which is much, much worse than a hangover. Over time your body adapts to alcohol, which is a depressant on the central nervous system. To maintain homeostasis, your body works very hard to counter the depressant effects of alcohol. Once you take the alcohol away, it's like taking the breaks off a runaway train. The blood pressure skies. The heart is thumping. Thoughts are racing. Sometimes there are auditory hallucinations. Endless insomnia. It goes on for days, like you are on the very edge of stroke, heart attack, or seizure. And all it takes to stop the misery is a drink.

It sucks. It's really hard to get out of once you've spiraled into a physiological dependency. Even when you get past the acute withdrawal, your reward is a complete dopamine collapse for a few weeks longer. It takes months until your brain returns to baseline normal. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

That sounds unbearable. It must have been so hard to get yourself to stop. How did you do it?

OP - I'm so, so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Rehab for the first four weeks. Highly recommend. Then meetings to find a network of people in recovery. Tons of exercise - running, weight training, yoga. It's easier to focus on the body before addressing the mind. And the endorphins help counter the dopamine crash. Then time. About three months until you feel normal-ish. 6 months or so until cravings and intrusive thoughts generally recede. This from a liter of vodka a day habit.

My friend’s husband with severe alcoholism is refusing residential rehab and AA. I think he’s not going to make it. We all think it’s basically suicide.

I think there’s a real complication when people are self-medicating to deal with a mental illness and/or trauma. That must make the process you are describing much more difficult. He doesn’t want to live really.

This is exactly what it is. I can't tell you how many people share in meetings that they had just wished they were dead. That was my story too. I didn't want to actively die by suicide but I was ok with drinking myself to death. I'm happy to report I no longer want to be dead but I totally get it. In the deepest throes of alcoholism it seems impossible that there is a better alternative to no longer existing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

I am a PP alcoholic drinking 2-3 bottles of wine every day. Sometimes I drank much, much more at parties. I didn’t have any DUIs, have a perfect driving record, have the same job I’ve had for 15 years, high performer at top of my field still. I still publish.

Many alcoholics drink as stress relief, because they are type A overachievers. I was just as good at hiding my alcoholism as I was good at everything else I have ever done. Even now no one in my real life knows how bad it was. I am glad AF is becoming popular with the younger set, it just makes me look cool now to be drinking kombucha instead of alcohol.

The trope of what alcoholism looks like is just a trope. Alcoholism comes in all shapes and sizes and levels of success.

how did you function every day when hungover?

As others have mentioned, when you get far enough into alcoholism you stop having traditional hangovers. Instead, as the alcohol recedes from your system, you get withdrawal, which is much, much worse than a hangover. Over time your body adapts to alcohol, which is a depressant on the central nervous system. To maintain homeostasis, your body works very hard to counter the depressant effects of alcohol. Once you take the alcohol away, it's like taking the breaks off a runaway train. The blood pressure skies. The heart is thumping. Thoughts are racing. Sometimes there are auditory hallucinations. Endless insomnia. It goes on for days, like you are on the very edge of stroke, heart attack, or seizure. And all it takes to stop the misery is a drink.

It sucks. It's really hard to get out of once you've spiraled into a physiological dependency. Even when you get past the acute withdrawal, your reward is a complete dopamine collapse for a few weeks longer. It takes months until your brain returns to baseline normal. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

That sounds unbearable. It must have been so hard to get yourself to stop. How did you do it?

OP - I'm so, so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Rehab for the first four weeks. Highly recommend. Then meetings to find a network of people in recovery. Tons of exercise - running, weight training, yoga. It's easier to focus on the body before addressing the mind. And the endorphins help counter the dopamine crash. Then time. About three months until you feel normal-ish. 6 months or so until cravings and intrusive thoughts generally recede. This from a liter of vodka a day habit.

Wow. I'm so glad you were able to do that. Thanks for describing what was involved. Is it hard to maintain or at this point is it just normal life?

[Anonymous]

Sending so much love to you and your kids, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting these pushback posts. I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate you opening people’s eyes that this is how alcoholism can present.

All the people on this thread pushing back need to take a long, hard look at their own alcohol use. Needing to argue it's not a problem is a massive red flag for a problem.

I am not one of these posters, but wish there was more out there on what an ok level actually is /the effects at each level. I know people will say any is too much, but that is just not going to happen for a good amount of people. At what level do the really serious effects occur?

One drink a month should be manageable for most people. If you drink more than that, you need to consider why. If you drink nightly, you have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting these pushback posts. I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate you opening people’s eyes that this is how alcoholism can present.

All the people on this thread pushing back need to take a long, hard look at their own alcohol use. Needing to argue it's not a problem is a massive red flag for a problem.

I am not one of these posters, but wish there was more out there on what an ok level actually is /the effects at each level. I know people will say any is too much, but that is just not going to happen for a good amount of people. At what level do the really serious effects occur?

It's a roll of the dice. It's that simple. There is no quantifiable safe amount. People who drank far less than I did had to go to detox centers because they had seizures going cold turkey. My detox was relatively easy and I didn't have any of the horrible symptoms that can happen when you abruptly quit. If you're asking this question, the only answer is that you should stop drinking.

Yep. And if you can't stop, or refuse to stop, there's your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if you can't stop, or refuse to stop, there's your answer.

This^. Your refusal and defensive behavior is your answer.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the PSA. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My husband is a secret alcoholic. Drinks maybe a quart of gin most days. I only know later when I find bottles. I can tell when he's a bit foul from drinking but he's moody all the time so it's not a big difference. He never gets drunk like staggering around.

He won't get therapy. He won't admit a problem. I should leave for our son's sake but our son is mostly spared any awareness of his. He's an active dad who gets him ready for school, plays with him, cooks for us.

In a way, it would be a blessing if he just died suddenly from the alcoholism rather than the slow, torturous ruin I fear lies ahead. He won't get help. He just wants the status quo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Odd question- when you’re drinking that much don’t you just sort of reek of alcohol? How is it even possible to hide it?

I only drank after work at home. I got up in the morning and showered. I was never drunk at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op: nobody has mentioned widowhood without alcoholism. I was widowed and I think, regardless of the alcohol alcoholism quotient you need to think about that part. If you go to counseling right now you’re dealing with the immediate after effects of this situation. Please don’t be surprised if you need to revisit going to therapy after a break that’s a year from now or 18 months or two years. I want to also thank you for starting this thread. I’ve been trying to quit since 2019 and I can’t do it.

You absolutely can quit, PP. You are not the exception to recovery. ODAAT

Previous PP - it took me a long time and several tries before I actually quit for any length of time, then I relapsed for several months before quitting for good. You can do it. Don't stop trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for you and your children's loss.

You don’t mention the usual crashed cars, lost jobs, lost friends, blackout apologies and mortifying moments that most of us think of when it comes to alcoholism. I think of how much someone would have to drink to wreck ther internal organs and I can’t put it together with what you’re telling us.
Was he otherwise fully functioning?

OP here- completely fully functioning. He had the same job for 15 years and was very well respected. We’ve taken a weeklong vacations with no issues whatsoever. No car crashes or DUIs. No blackouts. Occasional episodes but just at home and mostly picking fights and being petty or argumentative. No yelling or physical violence of any kind.

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

I have a lot of alcoholism in my family, and Al Anon has been helpful to many of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the PSA. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My husband is a secret alcoholic. Drinks maybe a quart of gin most days. I only know later when I find bottles. I can tell when he's a bit foul from drinking but he's moody all the time so it's not a big difference. He never gets drunk like staggering around.

He won't get therapy. He won't admit a problem. I should leave for our son's sake but our son is mostly spared any awareness of his. He's an active dad who gets him ready for school, plays with him, cooks for us.

In a way, it would be a blessing if he just died suddenly from the alcoholism rather than the slow, torturous ruin I fear lies ahead. He won't get help. He just wants the status quo.

I think you should say these exact words to him. Can't hurt. Might help. Otherwise I think you might second guess whether you had done enough. These words are enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the PSA. I'm so very sorry for your loss. My husband is a secret alcoholic. Drinks maybe a quart of gin most days. I only know later when I find bottles. I can tell when he's a bit foul from drinking but he's moody all the time so it's not a big difference. He never gets drunk like staggering around.

He won't get therapy. He won't admit a problem. I should leave for our son's sake but our son is mostly spared any awareness of his. He's an active dad who gets him ready for school, plays with him, cooks for us.

In a way, it would be a blessing if he just died suddenly from the alcoholism rather than the slow, torturous ruin I fear lies ahead. He won't get help. He just wants the status quo.

Well, you are enabling him. And I doubt that your child is learning healthy things in that household.

I am not saying this is easy, but I strongly suggest that you get therapy.