Do you talk to your teens immediately after big events, i.e. Homecoming after-party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kid talked to you openly the next day about the alcohol that was there and the host throwing up, it seems like she a) trusts you; b) feels comfortable telling you things; c) might have been bothered by some of this and d) wants your reaction.

I think these are good things. I would have been upset to see my kid wasted at 15. At the same time, God willing, they will have these opportunities in college, and if these are the friends they have at this age, that's not likely to change immediately or dramatically. I think you can be clear about what upsets you, be clear about your rules and what the consequences will be if they're broken, but keep the flow of information coming.

As for the rules, others may disagree, but I'd start by asking her what *she* thinks the parameters should be and using that as a starting point. Eg:
-How did the week go for you after drinking the other night?
-What kinds of decisions would you have been able to make being as drunk as you were last night?
-Would you have been capable of advocating for yourself if needed?
-How often do you think it's okay to get pretty drunk on a weekend?
-What's the maximum number of people you'd feel safe being very drunk around?
-In what settings is it okay to get drunk and in which is it not?

Then you can push in with your values and parameters for her. But by making her use her common sense to take the first stab, she may find her way to some good choices.

No no no. The kid is 15! You don’t need to have a 15 yo give input on how often she should get drunk. It’s illegal. It’s bad for her. You’re the parent. To me, this is like discussing the parameters within which shoplifting is ok (“how expensive of an item do you feel it’s ok to steal?”) or how much they should speed (“do you think driving 20 mph over the speed limit is ok, or just 15?”).

Be the parent. Kids this age really do look to us for guidance, even if they won’t admit it.

I think you're missing the part about, "Then you come in with your values and parameters." Before clarifying YOUR rules is a moment to see what she's thinking. Maybe she's totally deluded and thinks getting wasted every weekend is okay. But you want to know that before you tell her what to do and have her think, "Well, Mom is an idiot; getting wasted every weekend is okay, so I'm going to pretend I agree but keep doing what I'm doing. It's a little about luring them into trusting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kid talked to you openly the next day about the alcohol that was there and the host throwing up, it seems like she a) trusts you; b) feels comfortable telling you things; c) might have been bothered by some of this and d) wants your reaction.

I think these are good things. I would have been upset to see my kid wasted at 15. At the same time, God willing, they will have these opportunities in college, and if these are the friends they have at this age, that's not likely to change immediately or dramatically. I think you can be clear about what upsets you, be clear about your rules and what the consequences will be if they're broken, but keep the flow of information coming.

As for the rules, others may disagree, but I'd start by asking her what *she* thinks the parameters should be and using that as a starting point. Eg:
-How did the week go for you after drinking the other night?
-What kinds of decisions would you have been able to make being as drunk as you were last night?
-Would you have been capable of advocating for yourself if needed?
-How often do you think it's okay to get pretty drunk on a weekend?
-What's the maximum number of people you'd feel safe being very drunk around?
-In what settings is it okay to get drunk and in which is it not?

Then you can push in with your values and parameters for her. But by making her use her common sense to take the first stab, she may find her way to some good choices.

No no no. The kid is 15! You don’t need to have a 15 yo give input on how often she should get drunk. It’s illegal. It’s bad for her. You’re the parent. To me, this is like discussing the parameters within which shoplifting is ok (“how expensive of an item do you feel it’s ok to steal?”) or how much they should speed (“do you think driving 20 mph over the speed limit is ok, or just 15?”).

Be the parent. Kids this age really do look to us for guidance, even if they won’t admit it.

I think you're missing the part about, "Then you come in with your values and parameters." Before clarifying YOUR rules is a moment to see what she's thinking. Maybe she's totally deluded and thinks getting wasted every weekend is okay. But you want to know that before you tell her what to do and have her think, "Well, Mom is an idiot; getting wasted every weekend is okay, so I'm going to pretend I agree but keep doing what I'm doing. It's a little about luring them into trusting you.

And what if she does think it’s ok? Then what? Of course our teens think we’re idiots anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

No. Most 15-year olds are not getting drunk. The truth is 15-year-old girls (freshmen/sophomores) who get drunk at parties often end up with a reputation that isn’t great. I know it sounds biased, but the boys aren't viewed as negatively. Your DD might think that it's what all the popular kids are doing, but the type of popular kids who do well in school, are athletes, respected and liked by everyone are not getting drunk at parties, especially at 15.

1. you’re sexist
2. You’re opinionated on something you know nothing about
3. My kids are athletes and also drank in HS. Boys and girls. Two of them went on to play college sports and drank then too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

No. Most 15-year olds are not getting drunk. The truth is 15-year-old girls (freshmen/sophomores) who get drunk at parties often end up with a reputation that isn’t great. I know it sounds biased, but the boys aren't viewed as negatively. Your DD might think that it's what all the popular kids are doing, but the type of popular kids who do well in school, are athletes, respected and liked by everyone are not getting drunk at parties, especially at 15.

1. you’re sexist
2. You’re opinionated on something you know nothing about
3. My kids are athletes and also drank in HS. Boys and girls. Two of them went on to play college sports and drank then too.

I agree the athletes are the biggest partiers.

I also agree girls carry the weight of same actions differently. Yes it is sexist and it’s also true. The person pointing it out isn’t the person to yell at. It’s not fair but if you’re raising a daughter it’s important to realize there are different factors and risks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

No. Most 15-year olds are not getting drunk. The truth is 15-year-old girls (freshmen/sophomores) who get drunk at parties often end up with a reputation that isn’t great. I know it sounds biased, but the boys aren't viewed as negatively. Your DD might think that it's what all the popular kids are doing, but the type of popular kids who do well in school, are athletes, respected and liked by everyone are not getting drunk at parties, especially at 15.

1. you’re sexist
2. You’re opinionated on something you know nothing about
3. My kids are athletes and also drank in HS. Boys and girls. Two of them went on to play college sports and drank then too.

NP. You sound proud of this. You shouldn't be, at all. It's a terrible reflection on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

No. Most 15-year olds are not getting drunk. The truth is 15-year-old girls (freshmen/sophomores) who get drunk at parties often end up with a reputation that isn’t great. I know it sounds biased, but the boys aren't viewed as negatively. Your DD might think that it's what all the popular kids are doing, but the type of popular kids who do well in school, are athletes, respected and liked by everyone are not getting drunk at parties, especially at 15.

1. you’re sexist
2. You’re opinionated on something you know nothing about
3. My kids are athletes and also drank in HS. Boys and girls. Two of them went on to play college sports and drank then too.

I agree the athletes are the biggest partiers.

I also agree girls carry the weight of same actions differently. Yes it is sexist and it’s also true. The person pointing it out isn’t the person to yell at. It’s not fair but if you’re raising a daughter it’s important to realize there are different factors and risks.

My kid went to an after-party this weekend and said all the girls were blasted - or at least acted like it -- while most of the boys were, but there were definitely some boys there who were not because they didn't want to look like idiots and/or they are athletes who consider their bodies their temples (his words!). This was his first alcohol party and he was absolutely shocked at how fall-down drunk all the girls were. And yeah, it was at someone's house whose parents were home...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

[Anonymous]

Weird way to phrase this. Do you wait up and say hi, is that what you mean? Yea, you should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kid talked to you openly the next day about the alcohol that was there and the host throwing up, it seems like she a) trusts you; b) feels comfortable telling you things; c) might have been bothered by some of this and d) wants your reaction.

I think these are good things. I would have been upset to see my kid wasted at 15. At the same time, God willing, they will have these opportunities in college, and if these are the friends they have at this age, that's not likely to change immediately or dramatically. I think you can be clear about what upsets you, be clear about your rules and what the consequences will be if they're broken, but keep the flow of information coming.

As for the rules, others may disagree, but I'd start by asking her what *she* thinks the parameters should be and using that as a starting point. Eg:
-How did the week go for you after drinking the other night?
-What kinds of decisions would you have been able to make being as drunk as you were last night?
-Would you have been capable of advocating for yourself if needed?
-How often do you think it's okay to get pretty drunk on a weekend?
-What's the maximum number of people you'd feel safe being very drunk around?
-In what settings is it okay to get drunk and in which is it not?

Then you can push in with your values and parameters for her. But by making her use her common sense to take the first stab, she may find her way to some good choices.

No no no. The kid is 15! You don’t need to have a 15 yo give input on how often she should get drunk. It’s illegal. It’s bad for her. You’re the parent. To me, this is like discussing the parameters within which shoplifting is ok (“how expensive of an item do you feel it’s ok to steal?”) or how much they should speed (“do you think driving 20 mph over the speed limit is ok, or just 15?”).

Be the parent. Kids this age really do look to us for guidance, even if they won’t admit it.

Yeah but in your speeding example, you talk about 15 or 20 mph. What about 5 mph? There are still degrees of risk. Same is true for drinking. If parents think it's enough to set rules and punish ("Just say no!"), without teaching their kids how to deal with all the different decisions and risks around drinking, they're missing some critical lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

This is just what permissive parents say to justify their lazy permissive parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

This is just what permissive parents say to justify their lazy permissive parenting.

I'm actually watching this play out with my son's friend group right now. But ok, I guess you know all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

This is just what permissive parents say to justify their lazy permissive parenting.

I'm actually watching this play out with my son's friend group right now. But ok, I guess you know all.

You think you are the only one who knows lots of families with teenagers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

No. Most 15-year olds are not getting drunk. The truth is 15-year-old girls (freshmen/sophomores) who get drunk at parties often end up with a reputation that isn’t great. I know it sounds biased, but the boys aren't viewed as negatively. Your DD might think that it's what all the popular kids are doing, but the type of popular kids who do well in school, are athletes, respected and liked by everyone are not getting drunk at parties, especially at 15.

1. you’re sexist
2. You’re opinionated on something you know nothing about
3. My kids are athletes and also drank in HS. Boys and girls. Two of them went on to play college sports and drank then too.

I agree the athletes are the biggest partiers.

I also agree girls carry the weight of same actions differently. Yes it is sexist and it’s also true. The person pointing it out isn’t the person to yell at. It’s not fair but if you’re raising a daughter it’s important to realize there are different factors and risks.

My kid went to an after-party this weekend and said all the girls were blasted - or at least acted like it -- while most of the boys were, but there were definitely some boys there who were not because they didn't want to look like idiots and/or they are athletes who consider their bodies their temples (his words!). This was his first alcohol party and he was absolutely shocked at how fall-down drunk all the girls were. And yeah, it was at someone's house whose parents were home...

I have a teen who is a boy and a girl tween and this terrifies me. The drunk girls in high school. Dear lord help me we all remember them. Awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

This is just what permissive parents say to justify their lazy permissive parenting.

This is so not true. There are plenty of strict parents whose kids were just raised to be submissive introverts who wouldn’t break rules anyway.

But for kids that want to do certain things and have overly strict parents, they find ways. Turning off ring cams, setting up locations on an iPad so it looks like they are home, freezing life 360, saying they are doing xyz and doing abc. Resetting their phones daily to show they don’t have apps, have an old iPhone on wifi to use apps and phone all night and in school.

It happens. It’s ok