Do you talk to your teens immediately after big events, i.e. Homecoming after-party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

No. Most 15-year olds are not getting drunk. The truth is 15-year-old girls (freshmen/sophomores) who get drunk at parties often end up with a reputation that isn’t great. I know it sounds biased, but the boys aren't viewed as negatively. Your DD might think that it's what all the popular kids are doing, but the type of popular kids who do well in school, are athletes, respected and liked by everyone are not getting drunk at parties, especially at 15.

1. you’re sexist
2. You’re opinionated on something you know nothing about
3. My kids are athletes and also drank in HS. Boys and girls. Two of them went on to play college sports and drank then too.

I agree the athletes are the biggest partiers.

I also agree girls carry the weight of same actions differently. Yes it is sexist and it’s also true. The person pointing it out isn’t the person to yell at. It’s not fair but if you’re raising a daughter it’s important to realize there are different factors and risks.

My kid went to an after-party this weekend and said all the girls were blasted - or at least acted like it -- while most of the boys were, but there were definitely some boys there who were not because they didn't want to look like idiots and/or they are athletes who consider their bodies their temples (his words!). This was his first alcohol party and he was absolutely shocked at how fall-down drunk all the girls were. And yeah, it was at someone's house whose parents were home...

My daughter is 15 and I allowed her to go to an after party for hoco. She came home and told me that she was acting a bit tipsy at the party since others were too. She didn’t drink at all. Just held the same drink all night. And yes, we talked for 30min or so once she got home.

Peer pressure is real. Parenting is hard. I am not going to forbid certain things. She didn’t think there would be alcohol at the party, but there was.

I tell her honestly that drinking and drugs mess with her meds, her mind and her body. I have told her about easily being date rape drugged and how to hold a drink and never put it down. I tell her to stand her ground but if she feels better to pretend confirm, she can do that too. And that is what she chose this time.

Being a teen girl is really hard and very unsafe. So I don’t judge these kids. They make mistakes and are forming into adults without a proper frontal prelobe to guide them. And as parents of this generation, we are way over involved and we taking away these teens autonomy and social skills and learning to overcome obstacles and mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

No. Most 15-year olds are not getting drunk. The truth is 15-year-old girls (freshmen/sophomores) who get drunk at parties often end up with a reputation that isn’t great. I know it sounds biased, but the boys aren't viewed as negatively. Your DD might think that it's what all the popular kids are doing, but the type of popular kids who do well in school, are athletes, respected and liked by everyone are not getting drunk at parties, especially at 15.

1. you’re sexist
2. You’re opinionated on something you know nothing about
3. My kids are athletes and also drank in HS. Boys and girls. Two of them went on to play college sports and drank then too.

I agree the athletes are the biggest partiers.

I also agree girls carry the weight of same actions differently. Yes it is sexist and it’s also true. The person pointing it out isn’t the person to yell at. It’s not fair but if you’re raising a daughter it’s important to realize there are different factors and risks.

My kid went to an after-party this weekend and said all the girls were blasted - or at least acted like it -- while most of the boys were, but there were definitely some boys there who were not because they didn't want to look like idiots and/or they are athletes who consider their bodies their temples (his words!). This was his first alcohol party and he was absolutely shocked at how fall-down drunk all the girls were. And yeah, it was at someone's house whose parents were home...

My daughter is 15 and I allowed her to go to an after party for hoco. She came home and told me that she was acting a bit tipsy at the party since others were too. She didn’t drink at all. Just held the same drink all night. And yes, we talked for 30min or so once she got home.

Peer pressure is real. Parenting is hard. I am not going to forbid certain things. She didn’t think there would be alcohol at the party, but there was.

I tell her honestly that drinking and drugs mess with her meds, her mind and her body. I have told her about easily being date rape drugged and how to hold a drink and never put it down. I tell her to stand her ground but if she feels better to pretend confirm, she can do that too. And that is what she chose this time.

Being a teen girl is really hard and very unsafe. So I don’t judge these kids. They make mistakes and are forming into adults without a proper frontal prelobe to guide them. And as parents of this generation, we are way over involved and we taking away these teens autonomy and social skills and learning to overcome obstacles and mistakes.

Good for you for staying up and talking to her and making sure she was sober. And giving her a tool to use so she didn't feel the peer pressure. I've told my son basically the same thing.

I am hoping that as these kids mature, they will be ok declining drinks at parties and acting "normal." I have a son (I'm the PP who you were replying to) and he lost respect for a lot of the girls he's known since grade school with the way they were behaving at this party. I wish these kids could see that they're making fools of themselves and putting themselves in potential danger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

Yes, I see this too with parents of seniors and some older juniors. But at 15? No way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

Yes, I see this too with parents of seniors and some older juniors. But at 15? No way

Yes, same poster back and I agree. This 3 bucket fought it hard freshman/sophomore year and then it's a slow acceptance junior and senior year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

No, that’s just #1 but you don’t want to admit it. It’s still #1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

No, that’s just #1 but you don’t want to admit it. It’s still #1

+1.

[Anonymous]

15 year olds should not be allowed to do the same things, socially, as Seniors. It's bad parenting. You do not need to "allow" after parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

No, that’s just #1 but you don’t want to admit it. It’s still #1

+1.

Well no. #1 included provide the alcohol, the party house, the party bus. There are parents who know their kids are drinking socially and do zero of the above. Fine to not approve of that either but it’s different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 year olds should not be allowed to do the same things, socially, as Seniors. It's bad parenting. You do not need to "allow" after parties.

This. I let my junior DD attend HS parties. She doesn't drink but there is alcohol at some of these get togethers. On the other hand, I don't allow my freshman daughter to go to these with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

No, that’s just #1 but you don’t want to admit it. It’s still #1

+1.

Well no. #1 included provide the alcohol, the party house, the party bus. There are parents who know their kids are drinking socially and do zero of the above. Fine to not approve of that either but it’s different.

#1 includes both allowers AND enablers. Enablers are just worse versions of the allowers. Parents who know their kids are drinking and do nothing to stop it are allowers. And they need to own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

I am in this bucket. DC is turning 17 in a few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

Of course it’s not a guarantee, but based on studies, it’s the most likely approach to keep kids from drinking, doing drugs, driving drunk, etc. Parental expectations have a large impact on teen behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

No, that’s just #1 but you don’t want to admit it. It’s still #1

+1.

Well no. #1 included provide the alcohol, the party house, the party bus. There are parents who know their kids are drinking socially and do zero of the above. Fine to not approve of that either but it’s different.

#1 includes both allowers AND enablers. Enablers are just worse versions of the allowers. Parents who know their kids are drinking and do nothing to stop it are allowers. And they need to own it.

Okay well then you expanded your definition of #1. Because before it was just describing enablers and people actively participating in their child drinking.