Do you talk to your teens immediately after big events, i.e. Homecoming after-party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

If I knew my child was smoking weed, my child would know that I know. You say you don't want to talk to her late at night, but what about the next morning? Why aren't you talking to her then about what you smelled, saw, and heard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Same poster again. My kids know I am fanatical that they don't drink and drive. I have probably reiterated this with them 1 million times. They know we will always pay for an Uber. They have left our cars at other houses a few times if they've had a drink. Their friends are also all very good about this---there is a TON of late night Ubering that goes on. The kids often call Ubers for each other. No ones messes around with drinking and driving.

I will say that it helps that they all have Uber accounts and money for Ubers. I know there are communities where this is not the case and so kids are more likely to risk a drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

She doesn’t know you know she smokes weed though? Why does she think you’re talking to her about all this? I know people who drug test for weed. I’d go that route personally. She’s not going to read an article and change her mind.

There's no point in drug-testing her. I know it'd be positive. It's like hiring a PD when you know your spouse is cheating. No need for proof. If you know you know. I talk to her about abusive relationships and gun violence and mass shootings and she's never been involved in any of those. As her brain matures she will hear everything I've been saying, do her own research to confirm/refute and modify her actions as she sees fit. I am confident this is a phase and she will come through it.

Are you serious? The point of testing her would be to tell her to stop and make sure she stops.

Weed is not at all just a phase for many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Same poster again. My kids know I am fanatical that they don't drink and drive. I have probably reiterated this with them 1 million times. They know we will always pay for an Uber. They have left our cars at other houses a few times if they've had a drink. Their friends are also all very good about this---there is a TON of late night Ubering that goes on. The kids often call Ubers for each other. No ones messes around with drinking and driving.

I will say that it helps that they all have Uber accounts and money for Ubers. I know there are communities where this is not the case and so kids are more likely to risk a drive.

You are ok with your minors drinking and this is how you justify it? You are the problem parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

Let her sleep it off, make it clear why it’s not ok, give consequences and no more going over to that house. Yes you wait up to make sure your kid is home safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

She doesn’t know you know she smokes weed though? Why does she think you’re talking to her about all this? I know people who drug test for weed. I’d go that route personally. She’s not going to read an article and change her mind.

There's no point in drug-testing her. I know it'd be positive. It's like hiring a PD when you know your spouse is cheating. No need for proof. If you know you know. I talk to her about abusive relationships and gun violence and mass shootings and she's never been involved in any of those. As her brain matures she will hear everything I've been saying, do her own research to confirm/refute and modify her actions as she sees fit. I am confident this is a phase and she will come through it.

Your actual plan is to know she smokes weed and do nothing but talk generally about it and be confident one day she’ll stop? That’s not what the evidence shows happens with kids who start all these habits younger. It’s quite the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

Ya, OP..I'm not at all a strict parent, but there is no way I would be ok with my 15 yr old getting drunk at a party and coming home with a friend who is also drunk. I'm shocked that some parents are ok with this.

[Anonymous]

15 is way too young to start this. You are in for a world of trouble. So sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

Ya, OP..I'm not at all a strict parent, but there is no way I would be ok with my 15 yr old getting drunk at a party and coming home with a friend who is also drunk. I'm shocked that some parents are ok with this.

These are the same parents that allow, and even sign and pay for, beach week after high school because the kids "need the practice" or something absurd like that.

[Anonymous]

Op did you call the other girls parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

If I knew my child was smoking weed, my child would know that I know. You say you don't want to talk to her late at night, but what about the next morning? Why aren't you talking to her then about what you smelled, saw, and heard?

This is not a problem I need to workshop with the internet to solve. I am confident in how I'm handling things. You disagree, you can handle things differently with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so thankful my parents were not all over my business like this. I would go home by curfew but they'd be in bed. I think something altogether different as a parent but I can see the benefit of a kid navigating this on their own before moving out, so I won't be too critical.

You think 15 year olds should navigate getting completely wasted to the point they can’t walk home?

All the generations before this set did, yes

[Anonymous]

coming home drunk at 15 is way too early. the legal age is 21, thats six years away!

i would punish, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Yes I need to fully see them and talk to them as soon as I get home. I wait up as I will pick up in emergency if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

If I knew my child was smoking weed, my child would know that I know. You say you don't want to talk to her late at night, but what about the next morning? Why aren't you talking to her then about what you smelled, saw, and heard?

This is not a problem I need to workshop with the internet to solve. I am confident in how I'm handling things. You disagree, you can handle things differently with your kids.

NP. Please, please do some serious research ASAP about the weed of today. I appreciate your tone, but I fear for you and your DD based on a lot of really horrible recent experiences trying to support friends who took a similar laissez faire approach with their kids’ weed use.