Do you talk to your teens immediately after big events, i.e. Homecoming after-party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

No, that’s just #1 but you don’t want to admit it. It’s still #1

+1.

Well no. #1 included provide the alcohol, the party house, the party bus. There are parents who know their kids are drinking socially and do zero of the above. Fine to not approve of that either but it’s different.

#1 includes both allowers AND enablers. Enablers are just worse versions of the allowers. Parents who know their kids are drinking and do nothing to stop it are allowers. And they need to own it.

I think plenty of people own this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

No, that’s just #1 but you don’t want to admit it. It’s still #1

+1.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

No, that’s just #1 but you don’t want to admit it. It’s still #1

+1.

Well no. #1 included provide the alcohol, the party house, the party bus. There are parents who know their kids are drinking socially and do zero of the above. Fine to not approve of that either but it’s different.

#1 includes both allowers AND enablers. Enablers are just worse versions of the allowers. Parents who know their kids are drinking and do nothing to stop it are allowers. And they need to own it.

Okay well then you expanded your definition of #1. Because before it was just describing enablers and people actively participating in their child drinking.

Nope. I wrote “allow and/or enable” right there in my post. That’s what and/or means. Thr parentheses refer just to the immediately preceding phrase “enable even.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do stay up. However, my kid (a senior) is not yet into drinking at all.

In this case, did you tell her no drinking at the party? Did you tell her she could or could not go? What expectations did you set?

Here, she drank (not good though some parents allow it) but did not drive. A punishment is in order but I do think it depends on the expectations set. And more important, a conversation about going forward, being safe, peer pressure, etc. needs to happen.

This. Instead of focusing on punishment, talk to her. How did drinking make her feel? How does she think the host felt? Did she have a good time? Why or why not? Who offered her a drink and how? How did that feel? What would she do differently and why?

Ha! That’s a lot of questions for a teenager

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

Yep - the strictest parents have the sneakiest kids. And the kids just tell them nothing.

The kids who are drinking and doing drugs have two categories of parents:
1. The parents who openly allow it and/or enable it even (provide the alcohol, the party busses, the party house, etc.)
2. The parents who are so self absorbed with their own lives that they are too checked out to even realize what is happening or care.

It's not the kids of the parents setting boundaries and checking up on the kids and their friends.

I think that’s a pretty optimistic or naive view to think that setting boundaries and checking up on kids and their friends is enough to keep kids from drinking or doing drugs. It’s not just “bad parents have bad kids.” Believe it or not, good parents can have kids who do those things.

NP. There is a third category.

3. Parents who know what their kids are doing and pay attention and do things to mitigate risks and keep lines of communication open. I would say this is more parents who accept casual drinking in high school where it is not problematic for the kid and doesn't interfere with responsibilities and isn't super excessive.

I know a lot of people in this bucket. I don't think they're good or bad. It's an approach to parenting. My teen isn't quite there yet so not sure what bucket I'm even in. Just seen this 3 category a lot with friends with older kids.

No, that’s just #1 but you don’t want to admit it. It’s still #1

+1.

Well no. #1 included provide the alcohol, the party house, the party bus. There are parents who know their kids are drinking socially and do zero of the above. Fine to not approve of that either but it’s different.

#1 includes both allowers AND enablers. Enablers are just worse versions of the allowers. Parents who know their kids are drinking and do nothing to stop it are allowers. And they need to own it.

Okay well then you expanded your definition of #1. Because before it was just describing enablers and people actively participating in their child drinking.

Nope. I wrote “allow and/or enable” right there in my post. That’s what and/or means. Thr parentheses refer just to the immediately preceding phrase “enable even.”

Yes I see now that you wrote to allow for both. I think your #1 is too broad. It’s like saying the options are abstinence only messaging or have sex in my house no problem. It’s an over simplification.

Enabling, providing, hosting all have legal implications. If no one did this in high school these kids would have nowhere to go.

[Anonymous]

I usually do pick up for younger teens and once older ones could drive, I stay up or get up when they get home and give them a quick hug (to check).