Do you talk to your teens immediately after big events, i.e. Homecoming after-party?

[Anonymous]

My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

[Anonymous]

I do stay up. However, my kid (a senior) is not yet into drinking at all.

In this case, did you tell her no drinking at the party? Did you tell her she could or could not go? What expectations did you set?

Here, she drank (not good though some parents allow it) but did not drive. A punishment is in order but I do think it depends on the expectations set. And more important, a conversation about going forward, being safe, peer pressure, etc. needs to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

Me again, not "everyone's" but many, ime.

[Anonymous]

I'm so thankful my parents were not all over my business like this. I would go home by curfew but they'd be in bed. I think something altogether different as a parent but I can see the benefit of a kid navigating this on their own before moving out, so I won't be too critical.

[Anonymous]

+1 here....15 year came home high post homecoming. I stayed up (always do) and my son told me everything and then went to bed. He said most people were drinking and smoking and the kids parents were not home. I have not decided what to do about it yet. I am glad he told me the truth but at 15 this is too young for this, even though I imaging its common.

[Anonymous]

DC had similar experience with first time drinking last prom season. No alcohol before and was a mess at the party and after at home.
We did discipline as we felt it was necessary to do so. We have friends who we know had similar consequences for their actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 here....15 year came home high post homecoming. I stayed up (always do) and my son told me everything and then went to bed. He said most people were drinking and smoking and the kids parents were not home. I have not decided what to do about it yet. I am glad he told me the truth but at 15 this is too young for this, even though I imaging its common.

Smoking what?

[Anonymous]

What were the rules before she went and what was the punishment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do stay up. However, my kid (a senior) is not yet into drinking at all.

In this case, did you tell her no drinking at the party? Did you tell her she could or could not go? What expectations did you set?

Here, she drank (not good though some parents allow it) but did not drive. A punishment is in order but I do think it depends on the expectations set. And more important, a conversation about going forward, being safe, peer pressure, etc. needs to happen.

This. Instead of focusing on punishment, talk to her. How did drinking make her feel? How does she think the host felt? Did she have a good time? Why or why not? Who offered her a drink and how? How did that feel? What would she do differently and why?

[Anonymous]

Did you tell the parents of the other child? Not judging, just curious how other parents are handling these situations…

[Anonymous]

You want them talking to you about these things, not hiding it. Don’t forget that as you decide what to do next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want them talking to you about these things, not hiding it. Don’t forget that as you decide what to do next.

And you want them making good decisions when you aren't around/there's no threat of punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 here....15 year came home high post homecoming. I stayed up (always do) and my son told me everything and then went to bed. He said most people were drinking and smoking and the kids parents were not home. I have not decided what to do about it yet. I am glad he told me the truth but at 15 this is too young for this, even though I imaging its common.

Smoking what?

marijuana

[Anonymous]

I always wait up but then again am usually the driver. My kids are a senior and sophomore. Both avoid parties for this reason. I know they'll try these things at some point. I'm not a drinker and they've seen enough drunk people in person at sporting events and concerts, that they actually wonder why people drink to that level. I don't know if that will deter them. Talk to your DD about your rules and being careful with drinks to begin with (always have your drink in hand, don't take a drink from someone else, etc). It's never too young to learn the dangers of someone drugging a drink before they head out on their own. Also they should learn to not get to a point of being impaired, being with a trusted friend etc. You don't want her to be taken advantage of if impaired. Those would be my concerns more than the actual drinking. If her drinking bothered you, these would be the conversations I would have (and already had).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always wait up but then again am usually the driver. My kids are a senior and sophomore. Both avoid parties for this reason. I know they'll try these things at some point. I'm not a drinker and they've seen enough drunk people in person at sporting events and concerts, that they actually wonder why people drink to that level. I don't know if that will deter them. Talk to your DD about your rules and being careful with drinks to begin with (always have your drink in hand, don't take a drink from someone else, etc). It's never too young to learn the dangers of someone drugging a drink before they head out on their own. Also they should learn to not get to a point of being impaired, being with a trusted friend etc. You don't want her to be taken advantage of if impaired. Those would be my concerns more than the actual drinking. If her drinking bothered you, these would be the conversations I would have (and already had).

This. My DD has a friend a year older (a senior) and her parents' rule is if shes going to drink, she has to bring her own. Don't ever take a drink from someone else.