Do you talk to your teens immediately after big events, i.e. Homecoming after-party?

[Anonymous]

Wow, 15 seems really young for this (I have a 15 yo).

Question for those reporting their teens come home drunk… were you surprised when it happened? Had you told them absolutely do not drink alcohol, use drugs, etc and they just didn’t listen? You told them you’d come pick them up anytime for any reason and they stayed & got drunk rather than texting you?

Or is it more like “wink wink nudge nudge, oh well, all teens drink (shrug)”?

I’m genuinely curious about this because I can’t imagine my kid doing this stuff anytime soon, and neither DH nor I even tried alcohol until age 21. But maybe others can’t imagine it either, until it happens?

[Anonymous]

If your kid talked to you openly the next day about the alcohol that was there and the host throwing up, it seems like she a) trusts you; b) feels comfortable telling you things; c) might have been bothered by some of this and d) wants your reaction.

I think these are good things. I would have been upset to see my kid wasted at 15. At the same time, God willing, they will have these opportunities in college, and if these are the friends they have at this age, that's not likely to change immediately or dramatically. I think you can be clear about what upsets you, be clear about your rules and what the consequences will be if they're broken, but keep the flow of information coming.

As for the rules, others may disagree, but I'd start by asking her what *she* thinks the parameters should be and using that as a starting point. Eg:
-How did the week go for you after drinking the other night?
-What kinds of decisions would you have been able to make being as drunk as you were last night?
-Would you have been capable of advocating for yourself if needed?
-How often do you think it's okay to get pretty drunk on a weekend?
-What's the maximum number of people you'd feel safe being very drunk around?
-In what settings is it okay to get drunk and in which is it not?

Then you can push in with your values and parameters for her. But by making her use her common sense to take the first stab, she may find her way to some good choices.

[Anonymous]

The casual permissiveness on this thread explains so much about the behavior of so many students at our large HS. No wonder they have to lock all the bathrooms due to vaping! The vaping kids parents don’t even care!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

If I knew my child was smoking weed, my child would know that I know. You say you don't want to talk to her late at night, but what about the next morning? Why aren't you talking to her then about what you smelled, saw, and heard?

This is not a problem I need to workshop with the internet to solve. I am confident in how I'm handling things. You disagree, you can handle things differently with your kids.

NP. Please, please do some serious research ASAP about the weed of today. I appreciate your tone, but I fear for you and your DD based on a lot of really horrible recent experiences trying to support friends who took a similar laissez faire approach with their kids’ weed use.

+1
Today's weed is not the same as you remember.

[Anonymous]

My only issue is punishing her for something if you haven’t sat down groundrules before. If you just expected her to know that drinking at a party, then calling you to pick her up is a punishable offense, I don’t agree with having a punishment. Now am I excusing the behavior? No do I obviously know that this is illegal behavior? Yes. But the fact that your kid called you or how do you pick her up anyway means she has a level of comfort, knowing it’s not gonna be punitive if she needs help. I would use this opportunity to talk to her about the dangers of alcohol, drunk, driving, getting in a car with anyone after any number of drinks, no matter how long ago that first drink was, and set expectations. Then if she breaks your house rules, it’s a punishable offense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

If I knew my child was smoking weed, my child would know that I know. You say you don't want to talk to her late at night, but what about the next morning? Why aren't you talking to her then about what you smelled, saw, and heard?

This is not a problem I need to workshop with the internet to solve. I am confident in how I'm handling things. You disagree, you can handle things differently with your kids.

NP. Please, please do some serious research ASAP about the weed of today. I appreciate your tone, but I fear for you and your DD based on a lot of really horrible recent experiences trying to support friends who took a similar laissez faire approach with their kids’ weed use.

+1
Today's weed is not the same as you remember.

I agree and I’m not a prude when it comes to grown-ups using gummy/edibles, etc. but there is evidence to show what we does to developing brains. My young family member experienced psychosis as a teenager which they originally thought was schizophrenia. In later, they figured out it was due to pot. When he stopped smoking, which was a difficult process, the psychosis was completely gone. Additionally, hospitals are seeing more evidence of The equivalent of alcohol poisoning with weed which is fascinating because this condition historically was for people that were using for decades, but now due to the potency of what is in the market, there are teens experiencing this, even after a few tries. Look up Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome (CHS).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kid talked to you openly the next day about the alcohol that was there and the host throwing up, it seems like she a) trusts you; b) feels comfortable telling you things; c) might have been bothered by some of this and d) wants your reaction.

I think these are good things. I would have been upset to see my kid wasted at 15. At the same time, God willing, they will have these opportunities in college, and if these are the friends they have at this age, that's not likely to change immediately or dramatically. I think you can be clear about what upsets you, be clear about your rules and what the consequences will be if they're broken, but keep the flow of information coming.

As for the rules, others may disagree, but I'd start by asking her what *she* thinks the parameters should be and using that as a starting point. Eg:
-How did the week go for you after drinking the other night?
-What kinds of decisions would you have been able to make being as drunk as you were last night?
-Would you have been capable of advocating for yourself if needed?
-How often do you think it's okay to get pretty drunk on a weekend?
-What's the maximum number of people you'd feel safe being very drunk around?
-In what settings is it okay to get drunk and in which is it not?

Then you can push in with your values and parameters for her. But by making her use her common sense to take the first stab, she may find her way to some good choices.

No no no. The kid is 15! You don’t need to have a 15 yo give input on how often she should get drunk. It’s illegal. It’s bad for her. You’re the parent. To me, this is like discussing the parameters within which shoplifting is ok (“how expensive of an item do you feel it’s ok to steal?”) or how much they should speed (“do you think driving 20 mph over the speed limit is ok, or just 15?”).

Be the parent. Kids this age really do look to us for guidance, even if they won’t admit it.

[Anonymous]

First, this has to stop- your kid needs to be stopped from socializing with this crowd. I’d supervise for a while.
Second, report those parents who had alcohol on premises!
Third, why did you allow kid to go to this? Homecoming is a supervised school dance -not a party.
Fourth, yes my teens talk to me during and after events, and would notify me if someone was doing something illegal. They know their future is more important than to squander on mistakes.

[Anonymous]

I have a 15yo son and we had a bunch of boys over after the dance. They weee not drinking. I know upperclassmen and some girls had drinking parties. I’m glad my son doesn’t hang out in those circles, at least not yet.

I have heard from several girl moms that their daughter got wasted or their friend was wasted and my adult friend had to handle the drunk girls. For reference, I got drunk for the first time at age 15 and I tried drugs at age 16 and 17. I’m now a functioning adult who does not like to drink and definitely don’t so drugs. I did try as a teen in high school though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

Ya, OP..I'm not at all a strict parent, but there is no way I would be ok with my 15 yr old getting drunk at a party and coming home with a friend who is also drunk. I'm shocked that some parents are ok with this.

These are the same parents that allow, and even sign and pay for, beach week after high school because the kids "need the practice" or something absurd like that.

PP here. I do believe that there's a big difference between 15 yr old sophomores getting drunk at parties vs the 17-18 yr olds getting ready for college at senior beach week.

[Anonymous]

I would much rather a kid get drunk at a friend’s house than a club or out in a strange place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would much rather a kid get drunk at a friend’s house than a club or out in a strange place.

At what age though? Don't you think 15 is s a bit too young to get drunk??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would much rather a kid get drunk at a friend’s house than a club or out in a strange place.

The kid is 15! Could be a freshman in HS. Seriously doubt they can get into a club or get served alcohol at a bar.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree you don’t want these drunk teens driving home. But I also don’t want teen girls this drunk period. Bad decisions get made. This is how sexual assaults happen, too. Dangerous to be this drink no matter what you’re doing, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year old daughter went to a homecoming party at someone's house (parents were home) last night. I picked her and a friend up and both were absolutely wasted. After a rough morning, she said there was a ton of alcohol at the party (seltzers, hard alcohol bottles, etc), and she thinks the parents probably knew (apparently the girl who hosted it threw up an hour into the party and went upstairs to bed!!).

I always stay up until my kid gets home from things like this so that I can see what state she is in. This is the first time she's been obviously drunk. I am wondering if other parents do the same - are you all seeing your kids come home like this? My daughter seems to think I'm being unreasonable in terms of punishment, that everyone else's parents completely know they are getting this drunk, and I'm overly strict.

I think it's more likely parents are just too lazy/tired to stay up and check in on the state of their kids after a big party. There's no way my daughter could have walked home, even though it's just a 10 minute walk, in her state. So I am very glad I stayed up and picked her up.

This is new territory for us.

No. Most 15-year olds are not getting drunk. The truth is 15-year-old girls (freshmen/sophomores) who get drunk at parties often end up with a reputation that isn’t great. I know it sounds biased, but the boys aren't viewed as negatively. Your DD might think that it's what all the popular kids are doing, but the type of popular kids who do well in school, are athletes, respected and liked by everyone are not getting drunk at parties, especially at 15.