Do you talk to your teens immediately after big events, i.e. Homecoming after-party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why have none of the responses brought up that drinking underage is ILLEGAL? No one wants to hurt Larlo/Larla’s feelings?

People want them to go to these parties because they see this as what it means to be an American teenager. Reactions range from its inevitable so don’t fight it to people who will tell you this is good for them. They are learning to drink and cope with being wasted while home with their parents, which is a positive. Just wait for it. It’s coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to decide what you think it right and wrong on this issue. DD is a freshman and I’m shocked how much drinking goes on. We told her 14 is too young and we don’t agree with parents hosting parties so she’s not going to any until senior year. This is harsher than I expected we’d be but the reality is if we give an inch now, I’m afraid we’ll lose control. And I don’t want to compromise and negotiate this over and over for the next 4 years.
The first time she got invited to something with alcohol, the parents claimed they didn’t know, when asked after the fact. DD didn’t go and I went out of my way to make sure she and some friends had something else fun to do that night. I can’t do that every time, but I plan to try to keep her busy and doing other things. I have no idea what people are thinking when they have a large group of 14 year olds over to drink. They had to know but I guess don’t want to be judged for it

Parents do nothing to prevent it and look the other way. So then can say they don’t know. Pretty easy to go upstairs 2 floors and ignore the whole thing.

It’s so annoying to me and I wish these people could somehow be publicly shamed.

I KNOW. I thought the family might get shamed because this is a small community and I naively thought everyone would be equally shocked they hosted a freshmen drinking party but I guess everyone is buying the "we didn't know, they snuck in alcohol" line. This is our oldest so maybe everyone has already accepted the reality that kids are drinking so early

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

[Anonymous]

Yes I’d stay up but we are also much stricter than you. No wild drinking parties and they’d never be back at that house. Of course the parents knew.

[Anonymous]

This is all about you staying up? That is your gold star? Op, I don't get it.

You should be very concerned about your daughter. This is not ok. If this happened once, at the end of senior year ... that's very different than 15. She's 15! Get a grip, be a better parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so thankful my parents were not all over my business like this. I would go home by curfew but they'd be in bed. I think something altogether different as a parent but I can see the benefit of a kid navigating this on their own before moving out, so I won't be too critical.

Were you getting drunk at 15?

I think you missed the part that says "I think something altogether different as a parent". My point was I can see some benefits for independence so I don't judge those parents as harshly, even though I won't do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

She doesn’t know you know she smokes weed though? Why does she think you’re talking to her about all this?

I know people who drug test for weed. I’d go that route personally. She’s not going to read an article and change her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so thankful my parents were not all over my business like this. I would go home by curfew but they'd be in bed. I think something altogether different as a parent but I can see the benefit of a kid navigating this on their own before moving out, so I won't be too critical.

Were you getting drunk at 15?

I think you missed the part that says "I think something altogether different as a parent". My point was I can see some benefits for independence so I don't judge those parents as harshly, even though I won't do that.

Uh you went on to say you see the benefit of a kid navigating being drunk on their own and said if your own child shows up drunk at 15 you won’t be too critical. This means you see getting drunk at 15 as a rite of passage and no big deal.

[Anonymous]

My teen is not allowed to drink alcohol. She is allowed to attend parties where alcohol is present as long as she honors our rule. She is also not allowed to drive to parties like that, even though she does have her license. I insist we drop her off and pick her up.

[Anonymous]

I would not be ok with my 15 year old getting wasted. But I would have addressed that before she left the house so the punishment would be expected if she came home drunk. Its really not everyone, and you dont have to allow it to happen. Be a parent and teach boundaries.

[Anonymous]

If my 15 year old came home wasted, it would be the last party she attends for a while. DD knows that her privileges are contingent on her making good decisions and getting drunk at 15 years old is not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I am awake and handing over a bottle of water, and hugging them (and smelling them). Mine doesn't drink but does use weed. She thinks I don't know.

What is your thought process and plan here? In terms of knowing and not saying anything to her. No snark. Interested to hear more.

Okay. I fully believe this is a phase, and my goal is to make it as short of a phase as possible. I absolutely talk to her and forward her articles backing up what I am saying about people self-medicating with weed, how people mistakenly think it blisses them out but really is a depressant and makes them less motivated and more depressed, how to interrupt a cycle, which friends are clean and moving ahead and getting natural highs, etc. But I'm not talking to her when she gets home past midnight and we're both ready for sleep. That won't be a productive discussion.

She doesn’t know you know she smokes weed though? Why does she think you’re talking to her about all this? I know people who drug test for weed. I’d go that route personally. She’s not going to read an article and change her mind.

There's no point in drug-testing her. I know it'd be positive. It's like hiring a PD when you know your spouse is cheating. No need for proof. If you know you know. I talk to her about abusive relationships and gun violence and mass shootings and she's never been involved in any of those. As her brain matures she will hear everything I've been saying, do her own research to confirm/refute and modify her actions as she sees fit. I am confident this is a phase and she will come through it.

[Anonymous]

I stay up to hear my son come in, but am very sure he is not drinking. He's just a very nerdy clean-living kid, which is the opposite of how I was at 16, but good for him, he seems happy.

[Anonymous]

I always wait up--my twins are now 18 (seniors in high school with a fall birthday).
I hold a 12 midnight curfew but what they do before then is their business--I don't need to know where they are.

Neither are big drinkers. My son got drunk once at 16. It was quite obvious. Teens (especially young ones) are not great at hiding intoxication. He hasn't been drunk since. My daughter (twins sister) has never been drunk.

We're fine with occasional teen drinking. I grew up in a super strict community (strict parents, religious school, etc). Everyone just lied and hid things from their parents. It was insane what went on. I would rather have things out in the open.

[Anonymous]

My child is smarter than that. We've even talked through strategies to avoid peer pressure (e.g., carry around an empty or set your drink down and "forget" about it).