Reply to Do you talk to your teens immediately after big events, i.e. Homecoming after-party?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If your kid talked to you openly the next day about the alcohol that was there and the host throwing up, it seems like she a) trusts you; b) feels comfortable telling you things; c) might have been bothered by some of this and d) wants your reaction.

I think these are good things. I would have been upset to see my kid wasted at 15. At the same time, God willing, they will have these opportunities in college, and if these are the friends they have at this age, that's not likely to change immediately or dramatically. I think you can be clear about what upsets you, be clear about your rules and what the consequences will be if they're broken, but keep the flow of information coming.

As for the rules, others may disagree, but I'd start by asking her what *she* thinks the parameters should be and using that as a starting point. Eg:
-How did the week go for you after drinking the other night?
-What kinds of decisions would you have been able to make being as drunk as you were last night?
-Would you have been capable of advocating for yourself if needed?
-How often do you think it's okay to get pretty drunk on a weekend?
-What's the maximum number of people you'd feel safe being very drunk around?
-In what settings is it okay to get drunk and in which is it not?

[b]Then you can push in with your values and parameters for her. But by making her use her common sense to take the first stab, she may find her way to some good choices.[/b]

[/quote]

No no no. The kid is 15! You don’t need to have a 15 yo give input on how often she should get drunk. It’s illegal. It’s bad for her. You’re the parent. To me, this is like discussing the parameters within which shoplifting is ok (“how expensive of an item do you feel it’s ok to steal?”) or how much they should speed (“do you think driving 20 mph over the speed limit is ok, or just 15?”).

Be the parent. Kids this age really do look to us for guidance, even if they won’t admit it. [/quote]

I think you're missing the part about, "Then you come in with your values and parameters." Before clarifying YOUR rules is a moment to see what she's thinking. Maybe she's totally deluded and thinks getting wasted every weekend is okay. But you want to know that before you tell her what to do and have her think, "Well, Mom is an idiot; getting wasted every weekend is okay, so I'm going to pretend I agree but keep doing what I'm doing. It's a little about luring them into trusting you. [/quote]

And what if she does think it’s ok? Then what? Of course our teens think we’re idiots anyway. [/quote]

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