DH wants to take a sabbatical

[Anonymous]

My DH is currently on sabbatical. He fills his time. I don’t expect him to be any more
Available than usual.

[Anonymous]

Think of it like when people retire and they are spending more money, not less, on things like travel and golf. Similarly, the DH will be spending more money (and the sabbatical may not be paid). Expect to see the savings decrease. Further, since he will be underfoot at home there will be more dishes and laundry, and you should hire more domestic help to keep things straightened. All of this will cost money.

[Anonymous]

I understand your frustration. I think the best thing you can do is to let him figure it out.

Totally fair for you to ask for things that will help you (kid chauffeuring, cooking etc.) but don’t try to micromanage him on career or house projects. Give him a chance, maybe he will surprise you.

Same advice when dealing with kids fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse had a paid sabbatical. He worked a ton on a personal project which sounded iffy to me but actually much later led to a new job. He traveled to see his brother. He played video games. I thought I might feel resentful of his free time (as it seems you feel you might) but TBH I just continued my routine and because I was working during the day wasn’t too aware of what he was up to.

It’s a sabbatical to refresh him for continued productivity at work, not a house renovation/housework leave. I mean he should contribute all the time but if he’s not contributing enough now I don’t think the pattern will change. I don’t want to be pollyannaish because he sounds annoying but resentment is a hard way to live.

Why would anyone feel resentment because of their spouse’s free time? Please explain. Is it jealousy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you're just setting yourself up for disappointment and annoyance if you assign him tasks to do. Let him do nothing and then figure out something to do when he becomes bored.

This.
oP—you said you don’t want to be told you have a DH problem (while acknowledging that you already know you do)—but then you go in to ask the question anyway about what’s reasonable to expect of a husband while on a non-academic sabbatical, as though YOU should use this as a gauge for what to expect from YOUR husband?

The bottom line, unfortunately, is that the answers to your question won’t matter because even if we outline what is typical or reasonabke to ask, he isn’t likey to do those things and that will only serve to reinforce an expectation in your part that you already know he won’t meet…and yet you will just get more upset and frustrated that he isnt meeting them.
Why? What’s the value in that other than ti see deeper discord and resentment??

If you don’t plan to leave, then you need to work with the husband you have—not the expectations that other people have for their husbands. You will both be much happier that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse had a paid sabbatical. He worked a ton on a personal project which sounded iffy to me but actually much later led to a new job. He traveled to see his brother. He played video games. I thought I might feel resentful of his free time (as it seems you feel you might) but TBH I just continued my routine and because I was working during the day wasn’t too aware of what he was up to.

It’s a sabbatical to refresh him for continued productivity at work, not a house renovation/housework leave. I mean he should contribute all the time but if he’s not contributing enough now I don’t think the pattern will change. I don’t want to be pollyannaish because he sounds annoying but resentment is a hard way to live.

Why would anyone feel resentment because of their spouse’s free time? Please explain. Is it jealousy?

Yes it’s part jealousy—but mostly it’s the silliness of women’s lib promising that women can “have it all” and really meaning we should want to enter the daily workforce grind of corporate “success” like men, but not really supplying any solution for how to get men to want to take on half of the household and child nurturing and raising duties that we still need to cover. (Newsflash: they typically don’t want to) and so the fact that she is already carrying the weight of all the family stuff plus her job and then watching him sit on his lazy ass all day would be very frustrating and builds resentment.

[Anonymous]

How old is your husband? Sounds like he wants to retire. After a certain age, you’re pushed out.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will divorce him if he does nothing to help the family while you work and take care of the kids and house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse had a paid sabbatical. He worked a ton on a personal project which sounded iffy to me but actually much later led to a new job. He traveled to see his brother. He played video games. I thought I might feel resentful of his free time (as it seems you feel you might) but TBH I just continued my routine and because I was working during the day wasn’t too aware of what he was up to.

It’s a sabbatical to refresh him for continued productivity at work, not a house renovation/housework leave. I mean he should contribute all the time but if he’s not contributing enough now I don’t think the pattern will change. I don’t want to be pollyannaish because he sounds annoying but resentment is a hard way to live.

Why would anyone feel resentment because of their spouse’s free time? Please explain. Is it jealousy?

Yes it’s part jealousy—but mostly it’s the silliness of women’s lib promising that women can “have it all” and really meaning we should want to enter the daily workforce grind of corporate “success” like men, but not really supplying any solution for how to get men to want to take on half of the household and child nurturing and raising duties that we still need to cover. (Newsflash: they typically don’t want to) and so the fact that she is already carrying the weight of all the family stuff plus her job and then watching him sit on his lazy ass all day would be very frustrating and builds resentment.

For me it was that I too have interests, hobbies and personal projects, but my work doesn’t give sabbaticals, so it was the idea that dh would have three months to wake up each morning and decide to go hiking, go to a museum, spend a whole day working on something that interested him, while I was in my office spending my work day doing work. I would have liked that freedom and opportunity too and thought I’d be resentful. When he was actually on sabbatical, though, it didn’t bother me the way I had anticipated it might.

[Anonymous]

I know this type. He does nothing now outside of work, he’ll do nothing during this sabbatical.

He’ll sit around on screens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has a corporate role that allows sabbaticals after 7 years.

He approached his boss and has vague approval for a sabbatical of 3-4 months if he wants it.

I’m trying to be open-minded about it, but I’m pretty frustrated and worried. DH is not the type who is going to be helpful during a sabbatical or pursue something valuable for himself. He is medicated for ADHD and a workaholic who stretches his work to fill his time while using multiple screens. He does not have hobbies and socializes 1-2 times/year by traveling to see friends. We both have careers but I do most of the physical labor and all of the mental labor of parenting and running a household.

Frankly I dread when he takes a day or two off, because he just sits around obliviously while I race around doing my usual routine. If I ask him to “help”, he gets huffy and says I don’t trust him to be an adult (I don’t).

Anyway, I told him that he’s certainly earned his sabbatical but I’m curious for what his plan is for that time. He said “why does it matter?!.” For years I’ve asked him to learn the kids’ routine, learn to iron the school uniform shirts, learn to do the girls’ hair, take the initiative to pack lunches and plan meals. etc. He’s always given it a 3 minute attempt and walked off in a huff, so I don’t see him becoming a house husband.

I don’t want to be told I have a DH problem. I do, I know. But I need advice on what is normal when it comes to a non-academic sabbatical. He got angry and said I needed to back off when I asked basic questions about health insurance coverage and his next role.

Help me brainstorm what a disengaged DH could handle during a sabbatical, along the lines of:

-initiating the beginning of a house renovation?
-visiting another area to decide if we should move there?
-taking kids to visit his family?
-taking kids one by one on trips with his friends and their kids?
-training for some kind of athletic thing?
-prepping our house for a sale and looking for a new house?
-intensive volunteer role?
-guest teach at his grad school?

I’m confused. Will he loose health insurance during the sabbatical? He will be paid right? Usually if you get a paid sabbatical you need to come back and work for a certain period of time you can’t just get a new job and say “peace.”

I would have him look up some kind of certificate program or mentorship at his grad school. Ask him what he wants to I during this time and what his goals are and see what he says.

Ask him since he’ll have all this extra time he’ll need to pick up more slack and now be an equal parent. He should be making lunches on MWF and you’ll do T and Th and he’ll need to bring kids to school and activities. Show him the calendar or whatever and if he forgets that is on him. Either way he should be doing some of this now anyway so start this discussion and have him do this before the sabbatical.

Whether he takes the sabbatical or not he needs to do his fair share for the kids. If he makes a lunch and it has I don’t know not as health options as what you do who cares? Sometimes you need to let stuff go and let other people do it their way.

Ask if he wants to take the kids to his family at least once and you can stay home (my husband does this 1x a year for a long weekend).

It is his sabbatical but you’re a family unit so you should have some input and he needs to step up with kids and household things. You will be resentful if you come home after working to a dirty house and no meal cooked after you dropped and picked up kids and worked hard all day.

A relative in tech took a 6 month paid sabbatical after i forget 10-15 years at his company and he had all these grand plans. He didn’t do anything other than travel and drive his wife crazy. He didn’t do more with his kids or house work but he learned how to cook and made the meals.

Also is this a sabbatical or more of a severance? Is this the type of thing where they pay him for 3 months to find another job? If it’s more of this then he should be networking and job hunting. Some companies do this for senior people.

Above very tonal and reasonable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How old is your husband? Sounds like he wants to retire. After a certain age, you’re pushed out.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will divorce him if he does nothing to help the family while you work and take care of the kids and house.

Sounds to me like he wants to be single with no pesky kids, wife or SFH to keep avoiding.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to DH. First off you need to find out if this sabbatical is paid. If it’s paid that’s information. If it isn’t paid then you. need to figure that out.

Then you need to find out if this is actually a sabbatical where he gets to go back or if this is one of those “take these 3 months off and find another job because you’re out after 3 months” type thing. This happened to a relative of mine and my spouse has heard of this in a previous field they worked in. It’s normal in certain fields so I wouldn’t nag him about it just ask without judgement.

He needs to be honest or find out which one is happening.

Either way he needs to step up with the kids and household items. You need to communicate and make a plan and you also need to let stuff go. Does my husband put more junk when he makes the kids lunches? Yes. Should I let it go? Yes.

My spouse is unhappy with his job he’s been in for 6 years now. He’s been promoted 3x but it’s just chaotic and a tough place to work. He would LOVE 3 months paid to find something else. Even now when he tried to take vacation he gets called back in for some emergency (that’s not really an emergency). People who are afforded that time are really lucky and fortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this type. He does nothing now outside of work, he’ll do nothing during this sabbatical.

He’ll sit around on screens.

This is OP’s reality

[Anonymous]

np here. I haven't read the whole thread. A few things jump out at me though

-initiating the beginning of a house renovation -- absolutely not. You should not even live through a renovation with this dynamic. You are barely holding the family together, as it is. Do not stress your marriage this way.
-visiting another area to decide if we should move there -- no. You don't uproot your family. You sound as flaky as DH.
-taking kids to visit his family -- ok
-taking kids one by one on trips with his friends and their kids -- if it's his idea.
-training for some kind of athletic thing -- if it's his idea
-prepping our house for a sale and looking for a new house -- you are going to sink your family.
-intensive volunteer role -- mind your own business
-guest teach at his grad school -- only if it's his idea

In all instances, Op either: should mind her own business OR she is thinking of things (moving, renovation) which will stress the family to the very max.

[Anonymous]

Op, what he can do is: take care of himself.
Expect him to fix his meals, do his laundry, grocery shop for what he needs. Treat him as a roommate.