DH wants to take a sabbatical

[Anonymous]

DH has a corporate role that allows sabbaticals after 7 years.

He approached his boss and has vague approval for a sabbatical of 3-4 months if he wants it.

I’m trying to be open-minded about it, but I’m pretty frustrated and worried. DH is not the type who is going to be helpful during a sabbatical or pursue something valuable for himself. He is medicated for ADHD and a workaholic who stretches his work to fill his time while using multiple screens. He does not have hobbies and socializes 1-2 times/year by traveling to see friends. We both have careers but I do most of the physical labor and all of the mental labor of parenting and running a household.

Frankly I dread when he takes a day or two off, because he just sits around obliviously while I race around doing my usual routine. If I ask him to “help”, he gets huffy and says I don’t trust him to be an adult (I don’t).

Anyway, I told him that he’s certainly earned his sabbatical but I’m curious for what his plan is for that time. He said “why does it matter?!.” For years I’ve asked him to learn the kids’ routine, learn to iron the school uniform shirts, learn to do the girls’ hair, take the initiative to pack lunches and plan meals. etc. He’s always given it a 3 minute attempt and walked off in a huff, so I don’t see him becoming a house husband.

I don’t want to be told I have a DH problem. I do, I know. But I need advice on what is normal when it comes to a non-academic sabbatical. He got angry and said I needed to back off when I asked basic questions about health insurance coverage and his next role.

Help me brainstorm what a disengaged DH could handle during a sabbatical, along the lines of:

-initiating the beginning of a house renovation?
-visiting another area to decide if we should move there?
-taking kids to visit his family?
-taking kids one by one on trips with his friends and their kids?
-training for some kind of athletic thing?
-prepping our house for a sale and looking for a new house?
-intensive volunteer role?
-guest teach at his grad school?

[Anonymous]

It should be field related. like one of those executive certificate programs.

[Anonymous]

Can the whole family take time off and travel together?

[Anonymous]

His sabbatical would be to just hang out? That would be a hard no in my house. For either of us.

And why did you mention health insurance? Will he lose his health insurance during this time? Is it possible they will push him out?

I've actually never heard of a non-academic sabbatical other than taking time off for health reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can the whole family take time off and travel together?

That was my first thought. If he could wait 18 months we could make it work.

It would probably be late this winter or never, and two of the kids will be applying out from their schools next year so we can’t risk the attendance or grade impact. But we also have a new dog as of last summer so it wouldn’t be practical or fair to leave her for an extended period of time.

[Anonymous]

My spouse had a paid sabbatical. He worked a ton on a personal project which sounded iffy to me but actually much later led to a new job. He traveled to see his brother. He played video games. I thought I might feel resentful of his free time (as it seems you feel you might) but TBH I just continued my routine and because I was working during the day wasn’t too aware of what he was up to.

It’s a sabbatical to refresh him for continued productivity at work, not a house renovation/housework leave. I mean he should contribute all the time but if he’s not contributing enough now I don’t think the pattern will change. I don’t want to be pollyannaish because he sounds annoying but resentment is a hard way to live.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you're just setting yourself up for disappointment and annoyance if you assign him tasks to do. Let him do nothing and then figure out something to do when he becomes bored.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you're really trying to manage him. Sabbaticals are supposed to be a break from the day-to-day to focus on something different. In academia this can be writing a book or learning a new technique. Getting refreshed or recharged is a big component, too.

[Anonymous]

My sense from your post is he has his reasons for wanting a sabbatical (and I doubt it’s for any of the things on your list) but for whatever reason wants to put off telling you.

[Anonymous]

It is his sabbatical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His sabbatical would be to just hang out? That would be a hard no in my house. For either of us.

And why did you mention health insurance? Will he lose his health insurance during this time? Is it possible they will push him out?

I've actually never heard of a non-academic sabbatical other than taking time off for health reasons.

It’s a big thing in some more old-school companies and when I was in publishing people took them pretty consistently. Publishing was a bit different because it was academia-adjacent and most people used the time to teach university courses or write books.

I mentioned health insurance because I don’t understand the structure of his firm’s sabbatical policies and I don’t think he does, either, but he refuses to research the practicalities.

I am absolutely scared sh-tless that they’ll push him out.

He’s two levels below c-suite and it’s up or out the next 3-4 years. I think he’s naive and they’ll push him out.

[Anonymous]

You seem high strung and difficult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a corporate role that allows sabbaticals after 7 years.

He approached his boss and has vague approval for a sabbatical of 3-4 months if he wants it.

I’m trying to be open-minded about it, but I’m pretty frustrated and worried. DH is not the type who is going to be helpful during a sabbatical or pursue something valuable for himself. He is medicated for ADHD and a workaholic who stretches his work to fill his time while using multiple screens. He does not have hobbies and socializes 1-2 times/year by traveling to see friends. We both have careers but I do most of the physical labor and all of the mental labor of parenting and running a household.

Frankly I dread when he takes a day or two off, because he just sits around obliviously while I race around doing my usual routine. If I ask him to “help”, he gets huffy and says I don’t trust him to be an adult (I don’t).

Anyway, I told him that he’s certainly earned his sabbatical but I’m curious for what his plan is for that time. He said “why does it matter?!.” For years I’ve asked him to learn the kids’ routine, learn to iron the school uniform shirts, learn to do the girls’ hair, take the initiative to pack lunches and plan meals. etc. He’s always given it a 3 minute attempt and walked off in a huff, so I don’t see him becoming a house husband.

I don’t want to be told I have a DH problem. I do, I know. But I need advice on what is normal when it comes to a non-academic sabbatical. He got angry and said I needed to back off when I asked basic questions about health insurance coverage and his next role.

Help me brainstorm what a disengaged DH could handle during a sabbatical, along the lines of:

-initiating the beginning of a house renovation?
-visiting another area to decide if we should move there?
-taking kids to visit his family?
-taking kids one by one on trips with his friends and their kids?
-training for some kind of athletic thing?
-prepping our house for a sale and looking for a new house?
-intensive volunteer role?
-guest teach at his grad school?

He really needs this sabbatical. From you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His sabbatical would be to just hang out? That would be a hard no in my house. For either of us.

And why did you mention health insurance? Will he lose his health insurance during this time? Is it possible they will push him out?

I've actually never heard of a non-academic sabbatical other than taking time off for health reasons.

It’s a big thing in some more old-school companies and when I was in publishing people took them pretty consistently. Publishing was a bit different because it was academia-adjacent and most people used the time to teach university courses or write books.

I mentioned health insurance because I don’t understand the structure of his firm’s sabbatical policies and I don’t think he does, either, but he refuses to research the practicalities.

I am absolutely scared sh-tless that they’ll push him out.

He’s two levels below c-suite and it’s up or out the next 3-4 years. I think he’s naive and they’ll push him out.

I'm the PP you're responding to. I hear you. If you go over to Jobs and Careers you will find a bunch of threads on people being pushed out--especially middle aged men if they don't keep moving up. I don't know the answer, but I feel for you, OP. I would feel the same way regardless of what these other PPs are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has a corporate role that allows sabbaticals after 7 years.

He approached his boss and has vague approval for a sabbatical of 3-4 months if he wants it.

I’m trying to be open-minded about it, but I’m pretty frustrated and worried. DH is not the type who is going to be helpful during a sabbatical or pursue something valuable for himself. He is medicated for ADHD and a workaholic who stretches his work to fill his time while using multiple screens. He does not have hobbies and socializes 1-2 times/year by traveling to see friends. We both have careers but I do most of the physical labor and all of the mental labor of parenting and running a household.

Frankly I dread when he takes a day or two off, because he just sits around obliviously while I race around doing my usual routine. If I ask him to “help”, he gets huffy and says I don’t trust him to be an adult (I don’t).

Anyway, I told him that he’s certainly earned his sabbatical but I’m curious for what his plan is for that time. He said “why does it matter?!.” For years I’ve asked him to learn the kids’ routine, learn to iron the school uniform shirts, learn to do the girls’ hair, take the initiative to pack lunches and plan meals. etc. He’s always given it a 3 minute attempt and walked off in a huff, so I don’t see him becoming a house husband.

I don’t want to be told I have a DH problem. I do, I know. But I need advice on what is normal when it comes to a non-academic sabbatical. He got angry and said I needed to back off when I asked basic questions about health insurance coverage and his next role.

Help me brainstorm what a disengaged DH could handle during a sabbatical, along the lines of:

-initiating the beginning of a house renovation?
-visiting another area to decide if we should move there?
-taking kids to visit his family?
-taking kids one by one on trips with his friends and their kids?
-training for some kind of athletic thing?
-prepping our house for a sale and looking for a new house?
-intensive volunteer role?
-guest teach at his grad school?

He really needs this sabbatical. From you.

OP, there is a particularly obnoxious troll on many threads tonight. I'm pretty sure he starts drinking in the afternoon in his basement and this is the start of his weekend entertainment.