DH wants to take a sabbatical

[Anonymous]

Just put on your big girl pants and forbid it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a corporate role that allows sabbaticals after 7 years.

He approached his boss and has vague approval for a sabbatical of 3-4 months if he wants it.

I’m trying to be open-minded about it, but I’m pretty frustrated and worried. DH is not the type who is going to be helpful during a sabbatical or pursue something valuable for himself. He is medicated for ADHD and a workaholic who stretches his work to fill his time while using multiple screens. He does not have hobbies and socializes 1-2 times/year by traveling to see friends. We both have careers but I do most of the physical labor and all of the mental labor of parenting and running a household.

Frankly I dread when he takes a day or two off, because he just sits around obliviously while I race around doing my usual routine. If I ask him to “help”, he gets huffy and says I don’t trust him to be an adult (I don’t).

Anyway, I told him that he’s certainly earned his sabbatical but I’m curious for what his plan is for that time. He said “why does it matter?!.” For years I’ve asked him to learn the kids’ routine, learn to iron the school uniform shirts, learn to do the girls’ hair, take the initiative to pack lunches and plan meals. etc. He’s always given it a 3 minute attempt and walked off in a huff, so I don’t see him becoming a house husband.

I don’t want to be told I have a DH problem. I do, I know. But I need advice on what is normal when it comes to a non-academic sabbatical. He got angry and said I needed to back off when I asked basic questions about health insurance coverage and his next role.

Help me brainstorm what a disengaged DH could handle during a sabbatical, along the lines of:

-initiating the beginning of a house renovation?
-visiting another area to decide if we should move there?
-taking kids to visit his family?
-taking kids one by one on trips with his friends and their kids?
-training for some kind of athletic thing?
-prepping our house for a sale and looking for a new house?
-intensive volunteer role?
-guest teach at his grad school?

Do you work or are you a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a corporate role that allows sabbaticals after 7 years.

He approached his boss and has vague approval for a sabbatical of 3-4 months if he wants it.

I’m trying to be open-minded about it, but I’m pretty frustrated and worried. DH is not the type who is going to be helpful during a sabbatical or pursue something valuable for himself. He is medicated for ADHD and a workaholic who stretches his work to fill his time while using multiple screens. He does not have hobbies and socializes 1-2 times/year by traveling to see friends. We both have careers but I do most of the physical labor and all of the mental labor of parenting and running a household.

Frankly I dread when he takes a day or two off, because he just sits around obliviously while I race around doing my usual routine. If I ask him to “help”, he gets huffy and says I don’t trust him to be an adult (I don’t).

Anyway, I told him that he’s certainly earned his sabbatical but I’m curious for what his plan is for that time. He said “why does it matter?!.” For years I’ve asked him to learn the kids’ routine, learn to iron the school uniform shirts, learn to do the girls’ hair, take the initiative to pack lunches and plan meals. etc. He’s always given it a 3 minute attempt and walked off in a huff, so I don’t see him becoming a house husband.

I don’t want to be told I have a DH problem. I do, I know. But I need advice on what is normal when it comes to a non-academic sabbatical. He got angry and said I needed to back off when I asked basic questions about health insurance coverage and his next role.

Help me brainstorm what a disengaged DH could handle during a sabbatical, along the lines of:

-initiating the beginning of a house renovation?
-visiting another area to decide if we should move there?
-taking kids to visit his family?
-taking kids one by one on trips with his friends and their kids?
-training for some kind of athletic thing?
-prepping our house for a sale and looking for a new house?
-intensive volunteer role?
-guest teach at his grad school?

Husband has such a stressful job that they offer their employees a sabbatical. Wife resents husband taking that needed personal time and posts on a webforum complaining about it. Maybe he should take his sabbatical time to find a new wife.

[Anonymous]

And move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you're just setting yourself up for disappointment and annoyance if you assign him tasks to do. Let him do nothing and then figure out something to do when he becomes bored.

+1

Op needs to stop asking for normal behavior from someone abnormal.

Hire more help at home too, get a nanny/housekeeper from 3-7pm.

He needs to treat his adhd and get therapy for his poor communication. Adults shouldn’t be “getting in a huff” everytime they’re spoke too.

With these asd /adhd types who aren’t managing their symptoms, they really have to sit on the sidelines and minimize their chaos. Trying to get them involved or help or do normal parent stuff just makes messes and chaos and they get emotionally dysregulated/anger outbursts.

You really already are a single parent OP. It sux and is Ok to grieve the marriage, husband and father of children you don’t have.

This.

And hope he doesn’t get fired in the promotion race you wrote about.

[Anonymous]

Are these sabbaticals paid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are these sabbaticals paid?

yes, that's the point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just put on your big girl pants and forbid it.

Dont take free paid time off because it hurts my fefes.

Just put on your big girl pants and get over your resentment.

[Anonymous]

If the husband was smart, he should have taken the sabbatical and not tell the wife.

[Anonymous]

You are seriously delulu if you think he’s going to step up and plan a move, renovation or solo kid travel during his time off if you can’t even get him to make dinner or drive the kids to soccer practice now.

[Anonymous]

Is this at a law firm. Lots of big firms offer this but you’re not actually supposed to take it. It’s some weird test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are seriously delulu if you think he’s going to step up and plan a move, renovation or solo kid travel during his time off if you can’t even get him to make dinner or drive the kids to soccer practice now.

+1

It’s like she’s going to walk into an insane asylum and try to convince the guy who thinks he’s Jesus, that he’s not.

Waste

Of

Time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the husband was smart, he should have taken the sabbatical and not tell the wife.

Yet stay home, make a ton of messes and then likely get fired in 12 mos time.

Sounds good.

He can lie about where he goes every day then too.

[Anonymous]

Thread is useless without annual incomes.

[Anonymous]

Op is bonkers.

Dh and I have both worked for pretty much forever. If Dh got three months sabbatical, I’d be asking what amazing things are you going to do with your time off? Vacation? Video games? Read books? And jealous that I couldn’t join him.

Why the f would he be starting home renovation projects? The point of a sabbatical in corporate careers is a reset. Not a honey do list.

Also - dh and I are both hyper successful at work and have well organized home lives, so it’s not like we are duds. But I can’t imagine expecting dh to treat a sabbatical like even more work.