DH wants to take a sabbatical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are over managing this and you are going to be much happier if you mentally think about his sabbatical as no different in terms of what he can pick up at home than if he was going to a job.

Not saying your husband isn’t a bad egg (what you describe would absolutely infuriate me) but approaching this as about a refreshing break from work rather than 4 months to finally lean in at home is going to lead to more marital harmony. It seems a little weird that you are driving the conversation about what he could do with this time rather than him.

After working my entire adult life I totally understand the desire for a sabbatical as a break/reset. Could include time for getting more healthy, professional development in certain areas, reconnecting with the person you want to be (especially if feeling mid-life crisis-y). If I was the one taking it, yes, it would also include extended family travel, more time with kids, and house projects, but I’m not your husband.

Sounds like the sabbatical conversation is a red herring for other issues in your relationship. I understand why that is (someone announcing they’re taking time off with no plans to help at home when that’s been an issue for years would certainly be triggering) but it might help you to try to separate the two.

This. It’s not about the sabbatical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sense from your post is he has his reasons for wanting a sabbatical (and I doubt it’s for any of the things on your list) but for whatever reason wants to put off telling you.

He’s just doing it to do it, these are check The Box guys.

Everyone at work takes one (Cambridge associates, McKinsey), now it’s my turn.

Done and done.

Yes he may have a hidden agenda, some are like that. It’s always a self centered one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with all of the talk regarding him possibly getting pushed out should he go through with the sabbatical.

However, the list of projects in the original post, listed under the guise of what projects she can have him tackle while on his sabbatical seems extremely micro-managed. Let him choose how to use this time, and as long as he's doing something productive, (whether you agree with it or not) let him enjoy his time!

I think the problem is that he doesn’t have a track record of being productive and so she’s trying to decide how to corral his energy (or lack of).

It does seem unfair to have two adults in a house but the one adult with temporarily unlimited free time is the one who’s not going to use it to the benefit of the entire family.

Let’s keep this post for next time we discuss SAHM with children in school.

[Anonymous]

+1 for the comments that if he’s getting paid for it then the issue isn’t the sabbbatical it’s the mismatch of your expectations and what he does. Not fair to take his sabbatical and program with things you want done

[Anonymous]

So a selfish deadwight at home, work addict at work is taking a sabbatical.

Sure, you can provide a list of normal Man things that need doing. He won’t feel shame. He’s all-in on being an easily angered, entitled, misogynistic deadweight at home.

I’d explore divorce options and make peace with 50-50. It’s just too insulting to live with someone like that. Does nothing AND gets angry when asked to do basic stuff? That’s psychotic.

Do some joint therapy later to dev ways to effectively communicate and coparent for the kids sake. Hopefully he’ll walk back his custody time because he’s too “busy and important”.

Sorry OP. Monitor for the same in the kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His sabbatical would be to just hang out? That would be a hard no in my house. For either of us.

And why did you mention health insurance? Will he lose his health insurance during this time? Is it possible they will push him out?

I've actually never heard of a non-academic sabbatical other than taking time off for health reasons.

It’s a big thing in some more old-school companies and when I was in publishing people took them pretty consistently. Publishing was a bit different because it was academia-adjacent and most people used the time to teach university courses or write books.

I mentioned health insurance because I don’t understand the structure of his firm’s sabbatical policies and I don’t think he does, either, but he refuses to research the practicalities.

I am absolutely scared sh-tless that they’ll push him out.

He’s two levels below c-suite and it’s up or out the next 3-4 years. I think he’s naive and they’ll push him out.

Yeah you don’t want an unemployed deadweight.

Any chance he’s a clueless deadweight at work too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like him getting pushed out is possible regardless of the sabbatical. Maybe the sabbatical can help him think about a pivot?

Yeah!
Maybe the sabbatical will finally make him the Man With a Plan!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with all of the talk regarding him possibly getting pushed out should he go through with the sabbatical.

However, the list of projects in the original post, listed under the guise of what projects she can have him tackle while on his sabbatical seems extremely micro-managed. Let him choose how to use this time, and as long as he's doing something productive, (whether you agree with it or not) let him enjoy his time!

I think the problem is that he doesn’t have a track record of being productive and so she’s trying to decide how to corral his energy (or lack of).

It does seem unfair to have two adults in a house but the one adult with temporarily unlimited free time is the one who’s not going to use it to the benefit of the entire family.

Funny you say this
.
My bother just had an umbilical hernia operation, prob that mesh thing, and got two weeks off.

He was fine after a day.

Over those two weeks: Built a front patio, trained his kid2 daily to make the swim team, train his kid1 to do a second triathlon, did a ton of fun social group stuff, tutored kid3&4, got kid 4 on flag football doing spin moves, let his SAHW join a sailing club finally (youngest is in K finally), reorganized the house for back to school. Planned Thanksgiving break, they are hosting my parents, and put together dinners for his Oct college reunion. And he’s losing weight doing more jogging every day, post Op.

They are a great team. I can only imagine what he’d accomplish in a multi month sabbatical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a corporate role that allows sabbaticals after 7 years.

He approached his boss and has vague approval for a sabbatical of 3-4 months if he wants it.

I’m trying to be open-minded about it, but I’m pretty frustrated and worried. DH is not the type who is going to be helpful during a sabbatical or pursue something valuable for himself. He is medicated for ADHD and a workaholic who stretches his work to fill his time while using multiple screens. He does not have hobbies and socializes 1-2 times/year by traveling to see friends. We both have careers but I do most of the physical labor and all of the mental labor of parenting and running a household.

Frankly I dread when he takes a day or two off, because he just sits around obliviously while I race around doing my usual routine. If I ask him to “help”, he gets huffy and says I don’t trust him to be an adult (I don’t).

Anyway, I told him that he’s certainly earned his sabbatical but I’m curious for what his plan is for that time. He said “why does it matter?!.” For years I’ve asked him to learn the kids’ routine, learn to iron the school uniform shirts, learn to do the girls’ hair, take the initiative to pack lunches and plan meals. etc. He’s always given it a 3 minute attempt and walked off in a huff, so I don’t see him becoming a house husband.

I don’t want to be told I have a DH problem. I do, I know. But I need advice on what is normal when it comes to a non-academic sabbatical. He got angry and said I needed to back off when I asked basic questions about health insurance coverage and his next role.

Help me brainstorm what a disengaged DH could handle during a sabbatical, along the lines of:

-initiating the beginning of a house renovation?
-visiting another area to decide if we should move there?
-taking kids to visit his family?
-taking kids one by one on trips with his friends and their kids?
-training for some kind of athletic thing?
-prepping our house for a sale and looking for a new house?
-intensive volunteer role?
-guest teach at his grad school?

I’m confused. Will he loose health insurance during the sabbatical? He will be paid right? Usually if you get a paid sabbatical you need to come back and work for a certain period of time you can’t just get a new job and say “peace.”

I would have him look up some kind of certificate program or mentorship at his grad school. Ask him what he wants to I during this time and what his goals are and see what he says.

Ask him since he’ll have all this extra time he’ll need to pick up more slack and now be an equal parent. He should be making lunches on MWF and you’ll do T and Th and he’ll need to bring kids to school and activities. Show him the calendar or whatever and if he forgets that is on him. Either way he should be doing some of this now anyway so start this discussion and have him do this before the sabbatical.

Whether he takes the sabbatical or not he needs to do his fair share for the kids. If he makes a lunch and it has I don’t know not as health options as what you do who cares? Sometimes you need to let stuff go and let other people do it their way.

Ask if he wants to take the kids to his family at least once and you can stay home (my husband does this 1x a year for a long weekend).

It is his sabbatical but you’re a family unit so you should have some input and he needs to step up with kids and household things. You will be resentful if you come home after working to a dirty house and no meal cooked after you dropped and picked up kids and worked hard all day.

A relative in tech took a 6 month paid sabbatical after i forget 10-15 years at his company and he had all these grand plans. He didn’t do anything other than travel and drive his wife crazy. He didn’t do more with his kids or house work but he learned how to cook and made the meals.

Also is this a sabbatical or more of a severance? Is this the type of thing where they pay him for 3 months to find another job? If it’s more of this then he should be networking and job hunting. Some companies do this for senior people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you work yourself?

If you are at work, why does it matter if he's "sitting around" all day? You wouldn't know a difference. He would otherwise be in the office providing no value on household tasks either. Let the dude do whatever he wants, he earned it.

My uncle took a sabbatical. His wife came home from work and the house was a mess and she still did the majority with the kids. It bred resentment and anger. He didn’t think he needed to do it before or then because he was the breadwinner but having a 6 month paid sabbatical and then doing nothing was not good for their marriage. She almost divorced him. So yeah you kind of do need a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are over managing this and you are going to be much happier if you mentally think about his sabbatical as no different in terms of what he can pick up at home than if he was going to a job.

Not saying your husband isn’t a bad egg (what you describe would absolutely infuriate me) but approaching this as about a refreshing break from work rather than 4 months to finally lean in at home is going to lead to more marital harmony. It seems a little weird that you are driving the conversation about what he could do with this time rather than him.

After working my entire adult life I totally understand the desire for a sabbatical as a break/reset. Could include time for getting more healthy, professional development in certain areas, reconnecting with the person you want to be (especially if feeling mid-life crisis-y). If I was the one taking it, yes, it would also include extended family travel, more time with kids, and house projects, but I’m not your husband.

Sounds like the sabbatical conversation is a red herring for other issues in your relationship. I understand why that is (someone announcing they’re taking time off with no plans to help at home when that’s been an issue for years would certainly be triggering) but it might help you to try to separate the two.

This. It’s not about the sabbatical.

I agree. I work in academia and we take sabbaticals. I can't imagine my husband giving me lists of things to do or planning my time or checking in to be sure I dedicated every moment to the family and didn't do anything for myself.

The issues are are marriage issues. Not sabbatical issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP do you work yourself?

If you are at work, why does it matter if he's "sitting around" all day? You wouldn't know a difference. He would otherwise be in the office providing no value on household tasks either. Let the dude do whatever he wants, he earned it.

My uncle took a sabbatical. His wife came home from work and the house was a mess and she still did the majority with the kids. It bred resentment and anger. He didn’t think he needed to do it before or then because he was the breadwinner but having a 6 month paid sabbatical and then doing nothing was not good for their marriage. She almost divorced him. So yeah you kind of do need a plan.

True.

His sabbatical may mainly consist of making a pigsty out of the house each day by 6pm. lol. For wifey to clean up!

[Anonymous]

Unless he’s asked you for advice on how to spend his sabbatical, I’d stay out of it and let him do whatever he wants on his earned vacation.

[Anonymous]

So you sit on your a$$ all day and won’t allow him a few months of it? Yikes, selfish.

[Anonymous]

I see now that you say you ‘have a career’. Why doesn’t yours provide health insurance? How does he interrupt your ‘routine’ when he has a day off if you’re working? This doesn’t even make sense