DH wants to take a sabbatical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His sabbatical would be to just hang out? That would be a hard no in my house. For either of us.

And why did you mention health insurance? Will he lose his health insurance during this time? Is it possible they will push him out?

I've actually never heard of a non-academic sabbatical other than taking time off for health reasons.

My brother worked at Intel a while ago. They would give 4 weeks off after 4 years of employment or 8 weeks off after 7 years, in addition to the regular vacation time. These breaks were called sabbaticals.

Same at my old company. It shouldn’t affect pay or health insurance. It’s like a bonus amount of vacation time after a certain number of years.

I don’t get your concern op. You seem to be flipping out over nothing.

[Anonymous]

I think if he's around the house all day you will have so much conflict and resentment.

I would also be concerned he is soon to be laid off and trying to cover it up so you will think it's a sabbatical plus job change. The lack of health insurance info is a red flag.

Forget the renovation and start saving money.

[Anonymous]

I mean, it sounds like your husband wouldn't be willing or able to do any of the things you have listed. Why are you asking what someone else's husband would do? Mine could do everything on your list and then some. During COVID we had kindergarten twins at home and my work was busier than his so he handled 99% of their online school. Sounds like yours will just sit there, so instead of coming up with ideas of things he won't do (you said yourself you have begged him for years to learn how to do things to no avail...) why don't you prepare yourself mentally for him sitting at home and doing nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has a corporate role that allows sabbaticals after 7 years.

He approached his boss and has vague approval for a sabbatical of 3-4 months if he wants it.

I’m trying to be open-minded about it, but I’m pretty frustrated and worried. DH is not the type who is going to be helpful during a sabbatical or pursue something valuable for himself. He is medicated for ADHD and a workaholic who stretches his work to fill his time while using multiple screens. He does not have hobbies and socializes 1-2 times/year by traveling to see friends. We both have careers but I do most of the physical labor and all of the mental labor of parenting and running a household.

Frankly I dread when he takes a day or two off, because he just sits around obliviously while I race around doing my usual routine. If I ask him to “help”, he gets huffy and says I don’t trust him to be an adult (I don’t).

Anyway, I told him that he’s certainly earned his sabbatical but I’m curious for what his plan is for that time. He said “why does it matter?!.” For years I’ve asked him to learn the kids’ routine, learn to iron the school uniform shirts, learn to do the girls’ hair, take the initiative to pack lunches and plan meals. etc. He’s always given it a 3 minute attempt and walked off in a huff, so I don’t see him becoming a house husband.

I don’t want to be told I have a DH problem. I do, I know. But I need advice on what is normal when it comes to a non-academic sabbatical. He got angry and said I needed to back off when I asked basic questions about health insurance coverage and his next role.

Help me brainstorm what a disengaged DH could handle during a sabbatical, along the lines of:

-initiating the beginning of a house renovation?
-visiting another area to decide if we should move there?
-taking kids to visit his family?
-taking kids one by one on trips with his friends and their kids?
-training for some kind of athletic thing?
-prepping our house for a sale and looking for a new house?
-intensive volunteer role?
-guest teach at his grad school?

"Normal" is doing the things you stated. He's not normal.

[Anonymous]

Does he earn income during this sabbatical?

You accept him not helping at home so I see his sabbatical separately. You've already acknowledged the husband problem.


If he's taking this time off, still earning a paycheck i feel he can spend it how he pleases. If it means he sits around disengaged so be it. He's earned his time off and should spend it doing what he enjoys.

Maybe witnessing this will encourage you to solve your separate husband problem. I think seeing how he wants to spend his time off will give you a lot of clarity.

[Anonymous]

I think you are over managing this and you are going to be much happier if you mentally think about his sabbatical as no different in terms of what he can pick up at home than if he was going to a job.

Not saying your husband isn’t a bad egg (what you describe would absolutely infuriate me) but approaching this as about a refreshing break from work rather than 4 months to finally lean in at home is going to lead to more marital harmony. It seems a little weird that you are driving the conversation about what he could do with this time rather than him.

After working my entire adult life I totally understand the desire for a sabbatical as a break/reset. Could include time for getting more healthy, professional development in certain areas, reconnecting with the person you want to be (especially if feeling mid-life crisis-y). If I was the one taking it, yes, it would also include extended family travel, more time with kids, and house projects, but I’m not your husband.

Sounds like the sabbatical conversation is a red herring for other issues in your relationship. I understand why that is (someone announcing they’re taking time off with no plans to help at home when that’s been an issue for years would certainly be triggering) but it might help you to try to separate the two.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is yours to manage, OP. His sabbatical, his time to figure out what to do. I don’t think you should be suggesting projects, particularly not given what you’ve said about his personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh lord her whole concept of his sabbatical is “how does it benefit me and how can I get him to do more work for me?” 🙄🙄🙄

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE when he's not on sabbatical.

The list she has is probably stuff she knows they need or want to get done as a family.

If you were doing almost all the household stuff and parenting stuff and couldn't make progress on some of the longer term stuff, wouldn't you get frustrated if your spouse sat around for four months without doing anything?

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t want to do anything. I’m not sure how pressuring him to take action will change anything, especially since he already seems to think you don’t trust his judgment. Maybe he knows more than he’s letting on and there are dynamics at work driving him to make this decision—I would dig deeper.

You either accept who he is and continue to do everything while he hangs out during his sabbatical or divorce him.

[Anonymous]

You definitely have a husband problem OP. You micromanage him because you have it, it’s like having another kid and it’s exhausting. You are on a path to divorce. Once you stop respecting your partner and start resenting them it’s really hard to come back from. Crystal ball tells me that if he sits in his butt for several months and doesn’t do anything productive for his time is going to be the end of your marriage. But you can’t micromanage a grown man and you need to stop trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh lord her whole concept of his sabbatical is “how does it benefit me and how can I get him to do more work for me?” 🙄🙄🙄

Yeah, worrying about health insurance for the family, noting that she runs the household and still works as well. How dare she?

Look dude. You don’t get to punch a clock and have the rest of life just handed to you. Go back to 1955 or go be single.

[Anonymous]

Does he get paid and continue benefits while he’s on sabbatical? If yes, you are actually being an AH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you're just setting yourself up for disappointment and annoyance if you assign him tasks to do. Let him do nothing and then figure out something to do when he becomes bored.

+1

Op needs to stop asking for normal behavior from someone abnormal.

Hire more help at home too, get a nanny/housekeeper from 3-7pm.

He needs to treat his adhd and get therapy for his poor communication. Adults shouldn’t be “getting in a huff” everytime they’re spoke too.

With these asd /adhd types who aren’t managing their symptoms, they really have to sit on the sidelines and minimize their chaos. Trying to get them involved or help or do normal parent stuff just makes messes and chaos and they get emotionally dysregulated/anger outbursts.

You really already are a single parent OP. It sux and is Ok to grieve the marriage, husband and father of children you don’t have.

[Anonymous]

Let him find his own way. Would you want him to micromanage your sabbatical (let alone suggest that you forego it because it's inconvenient to have you hanging around)?

[Anonymous]

A normal guy would do a mix of relaxing, work enrichment, increased family and house stuff, and some travel.

Someone with adhd and zero planning skills won’t do much, and certainly won’t do anything for others unless trying to impress them.