Who is unreasonable here: Friend A or Friend B?

[Anonymous]

If you have a security deposit on your apartment, consider if the landlord will charge you a disposal fee for removing the treadmill. The landlord or the next tenant may not want it in the apartment. So wanting to spite your friend may also backfire.

Did you ever tell her that you can really use the money and you can’t afford to just give it to her for free? At this point, just let it go. Maybe she’ll repay you in another way someday.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar world to friend B and her husband is probably complaining to her about spending. This is coming at the expense of friend A. A is moving so if you’re there might as well not piss off B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had months to find a buyer. You didn’t have to give it away to her. You made your choices, don’t be a B to her about it.

I found a buyer months ago. They backed out a day ago.

But, yeah, you are right. I could have just left it in the apartment. I just felt like I had no choice when she said that now she could have it herself, because she knew the alternative now is leaving it. It seemed aggressive to tell her no, I would rather nobody get it.

Then you should have told her that before she made arrangements to pick it up. This is on you, don’t lose a friend over it.

If this is going to eat at you, be vague and ghosty. Don't let the technician in. Don't answer texts. Just leave the country. Then be all "I'm not sure it was a busy time" if you want to.... months later....

NP. That's a very passive-aggressive approach and OP shouldn't stoop to that kind of game-playing.

To OP, I would feel about all this the same way you're feeling.

The immediate, practical part: I would just let her have it and then fade on her instantly. I know, letting her have it feels like letting her "win," but with no purchaser, in your shoes I'd rather her have it and maybe use it (jerkish as her behavior is) than leave it for some random stranger who might have zero idea of its worth, might consider it junk cluttering up the place, and might throw it out. You know what it's worth and that it's appreciated in value, but others might just see a treadmill to toss out. If you could afford to take it with you and try seliing it again, once you're at your new place, I'd do that, but it sounds like that's not an option, right?

The friendship part: Consider that, though you and she have done things together, her lifestyle and choices are very, very different from yours. Of course well-off spenders with ponies and pricey handbags can be friends with people who have to consider the grocery bill; however, she seems to lack any real empathy for those who can't simply drop big bucks on things they want, when they want them. Think: Were you and she actual, close, sharing-my-feelings friends, or were you really just friends based on proximity and similar circumstances of being expats? If the latter is the case, and I'm guessing it is -- at least in HER mind -- then move and don't bother to keep in touch. I know she wants to visit you at the cool new location but I'd tell her that "A visit doesn't work for us," once, then be too busy to return texts or calls. You haven't ever said yes to some future visit, right?

[Anonymous]

you're moving to another country so don't know why you care about the friendship, however, if you have debt and a tiny place why are you buying a $2K treadmill?

Also, you have no idea of your "rich" friends status. Maybe they are in debt up to their eyeballs

[Anonymous]

F her. She’s a b.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think Friend B's husband's friend (whew) who was going to buy it was set up by Friend B to back out so that Friend A/OP would be scrambling at the last minute?

I’m wondering about this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not. But she’s not in control of her finances as a kept woman. Unfortunately she probably feels like she needs to show that she can negotiate wins to a high achieving shrewd negotiator of a husband. I would have offered her a trade deal to shop the lightly used items in her closet like a bag or necklace that’s easy to transport and could fetch about the same amount on resale as the treadmill.

You sound like a real @ss OP. I was a expat trailing spouse for my big law DH and he’s never done the finances in 25 years. I’ve sat in partnership meetings about taxes, partnership structure, etc. because he has no interest and couldn’t relay pertinent details. I’ve been buying stocks since my early 20s and manage a rental unit.

The best friends I made were overseas. It’s your loss, especially when it was on you to say no, or not even mention that the seller backed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d have a serious talk with the friend before I ditched the friendship completely. Tell her you’re still trying to sell it because even a few hundred dollars is more than the nothing you’d get if you have it to her. It would irritate me to no end that she has no problems paying movers to get it to her but won’t give you a penny for it. Post it in the lobby of your building for $200.

Exactly.

I would “sell” it for a drink at the local coffee shop instead of give it to your “friend.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

I’m sorry but it is pretty ridiculous for you to expect her to help you find a buyer. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to reach out to my friends to sell something used for them.

I think you should just take this treadmill with you back home if it means so much to you.

I am a rich SAHM. DH lets me spend what I want and if I wanted this, I would have bought it from you. I don’t normally like to buy items used. I would rather buy the treadmill new. I once had a friend who was moving who had a bike and was moving. I tried out her bike and it was ok but I didn’t love it. She wanted $100 for the $500 bike. When she moved, she did not give me the bike. I would have taken it for free but she didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. She would rather take the bike than give it to me for free. We are still friends. No big deal.

Not all SAHM situations are the same. Some husbands are very controlling with how the money is spent.

I DIDN'T expect her to help me find a buyer. Our other friend pointed out that it would have been more, well, friend-like, if she had OFFERED to do that herself, knowing the buyer had withdrawn and I am spending the last day packing.

The treadmill itself isn't that important to me. The relationship with my friend was the important thing. The treadmill issue is just an episode in the friendship.

Anyway, the issue here, I see, is that I need to be less weak and more careful in choosing my friends.

The more you post, the more I’m with friend B. There was never any way she could win with you. You clearly never liked her, and that’s a ridiculous expectation btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

Honestly $200 is probably more than you'd get selling it. It doesn't matter what you paid for it, it matters what someone else is willing to pay you. You can buy new treadmills pretty cheap. You overpaying doesn't mean she should. She has the right to spend her money as she feels fit. If you don't want to sell or give it to her say no and be done with it. Why are you causing drama?

[Anonymous]

Move on. Look on the bright side. You're moving. You don't ever have to see her ever again. After you move, if she contacts you, ghost her gently. If you happen to see her in the future after your move, you don't have to be friends, just be polite.

[Anonymous]

So many posters seem to think OP is mad she was unable to sell the treadmill. No. OP is disappointed to not be able to sell the treadmill, but that's it. She's frustrated that her friend appears to have decided that OP's disappointment is the friend's gain, which is not very friendly behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many posters seem to think OP is mad she was unable to sell the treadmill. No. OP is disappointed to not be able to sell the treadmill, but that's it. She's frustrated that her friend appears to have decided that OP's disappointment is the friend's gain, which is not very friendly behavior.

NP I agree this is the crux of it. It seems weird that when a friend is disappointed because X happened the friend would then immediately jump to take advantage of situation X and be gleeful/pushy about it. It sounds like B is being really obtuse about how much this situation sucks for A to lose out on the money she expected from the sale and is acting like this is some awesome situation. It’s really tone deaf.

I think if B had asked for the treadmill, A had said she was trying to sell it, and then B said good luck if anything changes let me know, then A would probably feel better about the situations if gifting it to B as the backup. But it just feels like B is acting excited that this happened while A is feeling bummed and that sucks. B needs better situational awareness.

[Anonymous]

Why did you say yes if this is making you that unhappy/uncomfortable? It's annoying but I probably wouldn't end a friendship over it. You don't have anyone else to take this treadmill at this point so your choices are give it to her or pay someone else to take it away, I assume?

[Anonymous]

I know that if she doesn't take my treadmill for free, the alternative is to just leave it in the apartment when I go for a stranger to have, but I honestly would feel better about that.

Would that even be acceptable to your landlord? I can't imagine most U.S. landlords agreeing to that.