Am I out of line? Not wanting to celebrate DC's graduation if they don't have a job lined up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get the frustration.
But I think you should still attend the graduation. Smile politely thru your high expectations.
And smile politely when you tell him that he cannot move home unless there is a plan.
Because it seems that the problem is that there is no plan.

Where did I say I wouldn’t attend? I said there is simply nothing to celebrate. I’ll celebrate the job, not a piece of paper I paid for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not only are YTA you’re a horrible human being.

Graduating is a big accomplishment. I hope your kid has family other than you because you’re awful.

DP

Is it? I never thought that about my graduation. It's a milestone, not an accomplishment, unless you come from a difficult background or have LD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you aware of market dynamics now? Banks and tech companies are cutting hiring and laying off workers. MBB consulting firms are reducing the size of their partnership class, delaying start dates, and laying off underutilized resources, because their partners can't close enough work.

Your DC needs your understanding and support not pressure and shame for graduating into a recessionary environment for white collar workers. Being "on the ball" you can still not get the offer or the internship.

Tell DC to do something else to build skills -there are many paths that lead to full time employment.

This is such a distortion of reality. I know parents with nursing student kids who went to community college and regional commuter universities while living at home ie a no frills college experience and they’re all making $80,000 plus first job out of college. Unlimited overtime. They’re leasing new cars, paying off all student loans, traveling, and buying starter houses. And you’re trying to excuse a kid with a snooty private university degree being an unemployed layabout?

[Anonymous]

Jeff already said OP is a horrible person; please don't engage this abusive narc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

This must the preview post to the "my adult child never comes home to visit me, don't they know I am their mother and they owe me?" style post in about 5-10 years.

DC is failing to launch. There is nothing to come home and visit if they don't ever leave.

That's not a reason not to celebrate graduation. Give kid a deadline for when support is cut off. Age 22 is still very young. Not celebrating graduation is just awful. Suggests a very dysfunctional relationship with your kid.

This.

Celebrate the milestone and give a deadline. Don't call it an accomplishment, because OP is right, it's not. Any NT person can graduate college with parental support. Period. I will celebrate with my kids but they KNOW I will not support them. We've been talking about that their whole lives. My job as a parent is to raise self sufficient adults who make good choices. It sounds like OP is feeling the failure and I understand that. OP I would feel the same. BUT you need to love your child unconditionally - that doesn't mean support bad decisions - it does mean be there for the milestone moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get the frustration.
But I think you should still attend the graduation. Smile politely thru your high expectations.
And smile politely when you tell him that he cannot move home unless there is a plan.
Because it seems that the problem is that there is no plan.

Where did I say I wouldn’t attend? I said there is simply nothing to celebrate. I’ll celebrate the job, not a piece of paper I paid for.

OP, I hear you, but also... lots of kids drop out or take 5 years to graduate.
Yours did it in 4, that is a good first step.

From the writing style, I think you may be the parent whose kid is at an Ivy going through this.
If so, then let me reassure you - the system is still rigged enough that your kid will have a soft-ish landing despite not getting stellar grades or having a marketable specialty.
Try to be easy on the relationship as the child becomes fully indepdent of you financially (you will not continue sponsoring them, which is legit).
You don't want to be shut out from their life 10 years from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster. I hope OP is a troll for the student’s sake.

Question . My DC is only a college freshman so just curious is this the general time of the semester that a college senior should have a job lined up?I’ve heard that Hopefully internships turn into offers.

It took me awhile to find my first “real “ job post graduation in the early 90s. Bad timing lol.

A good job should have been lined up by August 2023. Riding senior summer interns are offered full time positions the last week or two of the summer gig. Then they can still look for other offers if they want but they are always holding that offer. Moving back home and being an unemployed lazy ass all summer is nonsense.

That's the most ridiculous piece of nonsense about college that I've ever heard. No, it doesn't work like that.

DP. No yeah. It TOTALLY WORKS LIKE THAT.

+2.

The progression is unpaid internship freshman summer, then better unpaid internship or low key paid internship sophomore summer, then paid internship junior summer that converts to FT job after graduation. Or, people apply to grad school for the Fall following graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing to celebrate if eldest DC lacks a full-time job offer and is not self-sustainable by June. I'm actually going to be deeply embarrassed and I mean that very sincerely. I'm just so fed up with the excuses and tired of being a bank to a mooch.

They are going to say the exact same thing when it’s time to put you in a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

We await your post that says, "my adult child has gone no contact and I don't know why."

[Anonymous]

I never attended my graduation because I thought it was a fuss and pomp situation that would have bored the pants off me. My parents were furious because they wanted to attend, but I didn't. I also didn't want to spend money on a gown and mortar board which back then were expensive.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad for this child. Parents treat them like a business transaction. No love. Hope they get a job soon so they can leave their awful parents behind and find mentally healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS does NOT want to celebrate his college graduation because he has not yet received a job offer. My wife can pull strings at her federal agency, as a Fed, to get DS a good paying government contracting job, but DS wants to find a job on his own. DW is very frustrated that DS would not accept help from his mother.

Your kid sounds highly ethical. Good job!
“pull strings” lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing to celebrate if eldest DC lacks a full-time job offer and is not self-sustainable by June. I'm actually going to be deeply embarrassed and I mean that very sincerely. I'm just so fed up with the excuses and tired of being a bank to a mooch.

WOW. Nothing says "I love you with conditions" like rejecting your child's hard earned accomplishment because s/he hasn't also fulfilled your NEXT demand. Dang.

You really do suck.

Where is the "I love you for who you are right now" part? Where is the "I'm rooting for you and I know you will find something in time" part?

Honestly, if this is how you've always been, I'm sure your kid has felt that your love/attention is very conditional and s/he really isn't that attached to you. You'll reap what you've sown. How are you going to feel when your adult child no longer has time for you? That's surely coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster. I hope OP is a troll for the student’s sake.

Question . My DC is only a college freshman so just curious is this the general time of the semester that a college senior should have a job lined up?I’ve heard that Hopefully internships turn into offers.

It took me awhile to find my first “real “ job post graduation in the early 90s. Bad timing lol.

A good job should have been lined up by August 2023. Riding senior summer interns are offered full time positions the last week or two of the summer gig. Then they can still look for other offers if they want but they are always holding that offer. Moving back home and being an unemployed lazy ass all summer is nonsense.

That's the most ridiculous piece of nonsense about college that I've ever heard. No, it doesn't work like that.

DP. No yeah. It TOTALLY WORKS LIKE THAT.

+2.

The progression is unpaid internship freshman summer, then better unpaid internship or low key paid internship sophomore summer, then paid internship junior summer that converts to FT job after graduation. Or, people apply to grad school for the Fall following graduation.

Not every field works like that and I hate when people on this board only value those kind of corporate type jobs.

[Anonymous]

I suggest a modest celebration of reaching a notable milestone, like a nice family dinner at a "special occasion"-type restaurant, rather than a large party will many invitees. Obtaining a degree is an accomplishment, even if paid for by parents or granted by a less rigorous instituition.

The issue here is that the child has no job lined up, and has no plans to go to grad school. It also sounds like the child is making little effort to find employment and expects to return hom to be supported by parents indefinitely. That's a different situation than being posited by those bemoaning a difficult job market - not trying to find employment is the apparent issue here, not the supposed paucity of openings.

The child's lack of ambition, and stated plan to live at home home rent-free for the forseeable future is a separate issue from their graduation, and should be treated as such. Acknowledging and celebrating graduation need not imply approval or post-grduation intentions.