Reply to DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression [/quote]

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).[/quote]

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.[/quote]

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances. [/quote]

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

[/quote]

DP. I guess I can understand that he needs therapy based on your summation. But you have to admit that for many people, men and women, sex=love. And YOU said it’s not the case that he feels unloved, when he really might FEEL unloved and actually be unloved. They are thinking if my spouse doesn’t WANT to have sex with me, they don’t love me. Emphasis on “WANT”. Clearly this DH doesn’t know why his DW is withholding. The combination of all of this has caused a complete upheaval in everything he does. To some, just having sex makes everything better (for the want-er). He’s angry, he’s depressed, he’s anxious and he is attributing all of that to not having sex with his wife. So sure he needs therapy, but therapy isn’t going to get him IMMEDIATE sex with his wife or (based on the title of the thread) help is WIFE understand how a sexless marriage affects HIM.

I’m only presenting what he might be perceiving, and perception is everything even if it’s not actually reality.

[/quote]

It *feels* like the person who is supposed to love you best in the world - even *she* doesn't want to have sex with you. What an unlovable loser you must be. [/quote]

Wow, that’s really helpful. But if it makes you feel good to say it, congratulations, I guess. [/quote]

Sorry about that -- my meaning was lost between my head and the text. I wasn't calling OP or anyone else an unlovable loser. The voice in the head of the person who is being rejected is likely to be telling them that. [/quote]

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