Serious roommate prob-what happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid had a horrible room mate. Boyfriend (not a student) basically moved in day 1 and planned to stay there. RA got involved and BF left but roommate remained an ahole. My kid decided to change rooms. This was all done within a month of moving in. Once the process was started my kid had a new room within days.

god, i can remember going to my boyfriend's room and he had the lower bunk and we slept on the lower bunk while his roommate was on the upper. what were we thinking?? so crazy. we didn't fool around while the roommate was there but i cant imagine we got good sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have your kid ask for a room change. This will not get better. It's not worth it to have to deal with it. And yes, unfortunately the kid NOT causing the problem is generally the one that moves.

My kid moved rooms and the process was really easy and quick. This happens every year and is not uncommon.

OP, please do not teach your kid to be passive aggressive like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The RA is paid to handle this crap. Your DD needs to talk to the RA today and tell her the next time the roommate wakes her up, she gets the RA involved. Repeat. And ask for a room change.

RA's are not paid. They might get free room, but there is plenty of competition for the RA slots, because social kids want the job.

Agree it is an RA question, OP - but the RA is not a parent, any more than your kid is your kid's roomate's parent.

Your kid needs to lay down the law - this room mate needs professional help - there is something going on beyond any other student's (including the RA's) ability.

Did your DC pick this room mate??

Try again. You can’t be this obtuse. Getting a pass on room feed IS GETTING PAID. That’s real money.

They are still just college kids a$$hole. Probably just a year or two older than your kid. So, no this really isn't the RA's "job".

Wrong. This is their job. We were trained to handle disagreements on the floor, mental health concerns, etc

+1. Betcha a lot that the PP who seems so angry at being to that an RA is an actual job is the parent who pushed their kid to take an RA job to “help out, just a little,” and is now uncomfortable to discover the “free” (single) room they aren’t actually free. There is in fact actual (minimal) work involved with the $10k/ year (at my kid’s school) in free room. Like dealing with hypochondriacs at 3 am.

Don’t worry PP. Any RA with minimal training will be told to escalate an actual problem. But yes. RAs do something. DD’s roommate was being stalked last year, and the guy also threatened DD. The RA was the initial contact point and helped DD report the incident to the right place. And hung out with DD (who was a freshman) while she calmed down, so she wasn’t alone. But various other FT employees of the school responded to the actual issue and provided DD with followup support.

In this case, seems reasonable to hand the roommate to the RA, who can then refer her for physical care or a mental health evaluation.

IB fact “please don’t wake me up unless it’s bad enough to report to the RA. In fact, please skip me and report these problems directly to the RA” seems like a good approach. The RA will document and escalate them and the roommate wil either cut it out the first time this happens, or find herself being referred to campus counseling, which may be exactly what she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your kid ask for a room change. This will not get better. It's not worth it to have to deal with it. And yes, unfortunately the kid NOT causing the problem is generally the one that moves.

My kid moved rooms and the process was really easy and quick. This happens every year and is not uncommon.

OP, please do not teach your kid to be passive aggressive like this.

OP, don't listen to the PP, moving is good self care and learning to control what you can. It is the opposite of passive aggressive. Plus, it increases the chances the roommate will get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your daughter I'd tell the girl "You wake me up one more time between midnight and 7am, and I will make sure you regret it."

lol this is what I would do. Are you also from New Jersey?

My people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your kid ask for a room change. This will not get better. It's not worth it to have to deal with it. And yes, unfortunately the kid NOT causing the problem is generally the one that moves.

My kid moved rooms and the process was really easy and quick. This happens every year and is not uncommon.

OP, please do not teach your kid to be passive aggressive like this.

RA here - this is actually the proper approach. RA can fill out the room change forms. that is it. That is all the RA can do. As long as you understand that, you are empowered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gang up on the RA if you want your kid kicked out of housing QUICK, PP.

Then you are on your own, as you should be.

How is telling a roommate who is having some sort of physical or mental issue to see the RA ganging up on the RA? How does that get someone kicked out of housing? What exactly is the RA’s job if it’s not to connect kids with physical and mental health issues with whatever services the college offers.

So, in your world, someone knocks on the RA’s door. Says their roommate sprained their ankle and needs help, amd gets kicked out of housing QUICK. “As you should be” ????

WTAF?

Either the roommate has a sprained ankle and needs to connected whatever urgent care the campus has. Or, they have a conversion/ anxiety disorder (more likely) and need to be connected to mental health services. And/or, they have an unhappy roomate who needs help starting the roomate change process. Minor medical emergency. Mental health issue of resident. Bad roomate. For all three of these options, the RA should have been trained on what to do. Even if it’s call someone else to handle it. They are in the dorm to connect problems with solunions. Asking them for help with problems isn’t ganging up on them. It’s asking them to do their job.

[Anonymous]

My DD had a similar issue, not with a roommate but a girl across the hall. She was a major drama queen. Had hours long panic attacks during which she "needed" friends to stay with her/calm her. For the first few months everyone felt bad for her and did whatever she needed. Around winter break, everyone got tired of it and realized she was manipulating them. They just slowly backed away. They told her they couldn't help her and suggested she talked to someone at the health center. It didn't get better immediately but slowly over time they learned to ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one, NO ONE, is saying the RA will or should solve the problem. What people are saying is talking to the RA during the day is the first step, if only to confirm the process.

When I was in college the first step was a mediation with the RA, it was a four person apartment and a problem roommate eventually moved out.

I also agree with telling the roommate in the middle of the night that if it is an emergency THEY should call the RA.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, this is hard. And not new. Sounds like your DD is kind but that may not cut it here.

Forty years ago, winter quarter frosh year, my room mate brought in an early AM drunk hook up. In the morning, I told her, "that won't be happening again."

Spring quarter of same year, she started coming in consistently @ 2 AM after studying, banging around to get ready for bed. It went on for three nights. After the third one, I shook her awake in the morning before I left for breakfast (I took 9 AM classes, she took 10 AM classes) and she started sputtering about why I was waking her up when she needed her sleep. "Every night before I go to bed I get out all my clothes for the next day so I don't have to open my closet door/dresser then I pack my backpack and zip it up so I don't wake you up. You have a job and can't start studying till 9:30 so I am trying to be considerate. But if you wake me up one more time at 2 AM, then I will do this every morning till you stop."

It never happened again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid had a horrible room mate. Boyfriend (not a student) basically moved in day 1 and planned to stay there. RA got involved and BF left but roommate remained an ahole. My kid decided to change rooms. This was all done within a month of moving in. Once the process was started my kid had a new room within days.

god, i can remember going to my boyfriend's room and he had the lower bunk and we slept on the lower bunk while his roommate was on the upper. what were we thinking?? so crazy. we didn't fool around while the roommate was there but i cant imagine we got good sleep.

Ummm...if the roommate does not like the BF (Or GF) constantly sleeping over, they have a right to complain. In the former case it was a non-student living in the room. That is not acceptable. Heck, it's not acceptable if it's a student, if the other roommate does not agree.

[Anonymous]

I agree the roommate has underlying issues that need to be addressed and it’s not your kid’s responsibility to fix the roommate’s problems. These are more than minor inconveniences, it is unacceptable behavior impacting your own kid’s well-being.sleep deprivation is no joke, it’s truly torture! They aren’t compatible as roommates and your child should take the necessary steps to seek a room transfer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your kid ask for a room change. This will not get better. It's not worth it to have to deal with it. And yes, unfortunately the kid NOT causing the problem is generally the one that moves.

My kid moved rooms and the process was really easy and quick. This happens every year and is not uncommon.

OP, please do not teach your kid to be passive aggressive like this.

So you’d rather your kid be miserable and sleep deprived?

Call it whatever you want but colleges will NOT move the problem kid. If your kid wants to get away from the problem they need to live.

Or be a martyr and stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. And not new. Sounds like your DD is kind but that may not cut it here.

Forty years ago, winter quarter frosh year, my room mate brought in an early AM drunk hook up. In the morning, I told her, "that won't be happening again."

Spring quarter of same year, she started coming in consistently @ 2 AM after studying, banging around to get ready for bed. It went on for three nights. After the third one, I shook her awake in the morning before I left for breakfast (I took 9 AM classes, she took 10 AM classes) and she started sputtering about why I was waking her up when she needed her sleep. "Every night before I go to bed I get out all my clothes for the next day so I don't have to open my closet door/dresser then I pack my backpack and zip it up so I don't wake you up. You have a job and can't start studying till 9:30 so I am trying to be considerate. But if you wake me up one more time at 2 AM, then I will do this every morning till you stop."

It never happened again.

I wish my college roommate had done that with me. I was the terrible roommate my first year, for all kinds of embarrassing reasons. I feel like one good talking-to might have changed that - and I could look back on those 30 years ago without so much shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is hard. And not new. Sounds like your DD is kind but that may not cut it here.

Forty years ago, winter quarter frosh year, my room mate brought in an early AM drunk hook up. In the morning, I told her, "that won't be happening again."

Spring quarter of same year, she started coming in consistently @ 2 AM after studying, banging around to get ready for bed. It went on for three nights. After the third one, I shook her awake in the morning before I left for breakfast (I took 9 AM classes, she took 10 AM classes) and she started sputtering about why I was waking her up when she needed her sleep. "Every night before I go to bed I get out all my clothes for the next day so I don't have to open my closet door/dresser then I pack my backpack and zip it up so I don't wake you up. You have a job and can't start studying till 9:30 so I am trying to be considerate. But if you wake me up one more time at 2 AM, then I will do this every morning till you stop."

It never happened again.

I wish my college roommate had done that with me. I was the terrible roommate my first year, for all kinds of embarrassing reasons. I feel like one good talking-to might have changed that - and I could look back on those 30 years ago without so much shame.

It really is ok to let go of the shame, pp. We live and we learn.

The poster who shook their college roommate awake as a comeuppance may have gotten their way, but that doesn't mean it was ok.