Serious roommate prob-what happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible roommate who would come home at 11 pm and do homework until 5 am. I was (still am) a light sleeper and probably got an average of 3 hours a sleep a night that first year. It exacerbated a latent mental illness and I flunked out.

When I returned, I lived solo in an apartment. Did fantastic. Someone roommates just suck, but some people do better living alone.

Did none of these kids fill out a roommate questionnaire? This is what happens when you pick someone based upon a Facebook or Instagram profile.

My kid's school encouraged the survey AND signing a roommate agreement early on, to settle issues like sleeping/quiet times, having overnight guests, etc.

Is that so rare?

That's not a thing anymore. Colleges don't care. They just assign people at random. HeIl, I went to school in the 90s and never filled out a roommate questionnaire.

My kids did it twice (different schools) in the last three years.

And mine didn't (two different schools). Anecdotes mean nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible roommate who would come home at 11 pm and do homework until 5 am. I was (still am) a light sleeper and probably got an average of 3 hours a sleep a night that first year. It exacerbated a latent mental illness and I flunked out.

When I returned, I lived solo in an apartment. Did fantastic. Someone roommates just suck, but some people do better living alone.

Did none of these kids fill out a roommate questionnaire? This is what happens when you pick someone based upon a Facebook or Instagram profile.

My kid's school encouraged the survey AND signing a roommate agreement early on, to settle issues like sleeping/quiet times, having overnight guests, etc.

Is that so rare?

That's not a thing anymore. Colleges don't care. They just assign people at random. HeIl, I went to school in the 90s and never filled out a roommate questionnaire.

My kids did it twice (different schools) in the last three years.

And mine didn't (two different schools). Anecdotes mean nothing.

PP was not saying this is a universal experience . He was say it is not a dated experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended up getting my DD her own room. Dorms are just complete chaos.

Too bad. She could have learned a lot about managing human relationships.

Nonsense. She'll learn that from the privacy of her own room. DP by the way, who is strongly in favor of individual rooms so US colleges aren't just an extension of boarding school.

You do realize that in the US only 5% of kids attend boarding school , right? So why would college be geared to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended up getting my DD her own room. Dorms are just complete chaos.

Too bad. She could have learned a lot about managing human relationships.

Nonsense. She'll learn that from the privacy of her own room. DP by the way, who is strongly in favor of individual rooms so US colleges aren't just an extension of boarding school.

You do realize that in the US only 5% of kids attend boarding school , right? So why would college be geared to them?

How to spell it out to the intellectually challenged - if you put kids in group rooms and make them take multiple classes beyond a single major, it is effectively an extension of school.

duh.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn’t you help your kid manage this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communication!
College is the first opportunity many kids have had to deal with conflict resolution.
Time to talk to roommate gently to explain:
- it's not ok to wake up or be disruptive from midnight to 7am, unless a fire alarm or emergency
- not ok to disrupt homework either.
and get earplugs and perhaps a sleep mask.

This is the type of thing I have talked to her about. Unfortunately the roommate (who I do feel badly for as she’s clearly struggling) claims these ARE emergencies. Like “I coughed up blood in the bathroom do you think I should go to hospital” “yes!” “No, I don’t want to, but I can’t really breath so maybe? ” and on and on. And then the miracle improvement Thursday-Sunday am.

"Is X an emergency, do you think?"

"Yes - you had better go and tell the RA right away, because I don't have the skills to help you."

"Well, can you come with me?"

"No, because in a real emergency you need more professional help than I can give, and you don't need me in the way. I can call the RA / the campus police / the front desk / 911 for you. Which one do you want me to call? You pick or I'll pick, but this is out of my league."

Lather, rinse, repeat. Eventually RA and front desk will get _very_ tired of this and something will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The RA is paid to handle this crap. Your DD needs to talk to the RA today and tell her the next time the roommate wakes her up, she gets the RA involved. Repeat. And ask for a room change.

RA's are not paid. They might get free room, but there is plenty of competition for the RA slots, because social kids want the job.

Agree it is an RA question, OP - but the RA is not a parent, any more than your kid is your kid's roomate's parent.

Your kid needs to lay down the law - this room mate needs professional help - there is something going on beyond any other student's (including the RA's) ability.

Did your DC pick this room mate??

Try again. You can’t be this obtuse. Getting a pass on room feed IS GETTING PAID. That’s real money.

They are still just college kids a$$hole. Probably just a year or two older than your kid. So, no this really isn't the RA's "job".

I'm not PP but I was an RA in college and this is absolutely the RA's job. But the RA can't do her job if the student doesn't communicate the issue to the RA. And to be clear, it isn't the RA's job to be the substitute parent, just like it isn't the OP's daughter's job. But it is the RA's job to help the two roommates communicate and try to find a solution. It is also the RA's job to help the OP's roomate find the support they need to manage their health or mental health issues. And, it is the RA's job to help OPs daughter file and process a room change request. 100% RA's job. And yes, saving a boatload of $ on room and board that year WAS being paid. It's not a volunteer job - they are compensated. They also receive a lot of training. And they are generally people who are compassionate and will care about the well being of both of these girls. This is especially true for RAs that get placed with freshmen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communication!
College is the first opportunity many kids have had to deal with conflict resolution.
Time to talk to roommate gently to explain:
- it's not ok to wake up or be disruptive from midnight to 7am, unless a fire alarm or emergency
- not ok to disrupt homework either.
and get earplugs and perhaps a sleep mask.

This is the type of thing I have talked to her about. Unfortunately the roommate (who I do feel badly for as she’s clearly struggling) claims these ARE emergencies. Like “I coughed up blood in the bathroom do you think I should go to hospital” “yes!” “No, I don’t want to, but I can’t really breath so maybe? ” and on and on. And then the miracle improvement Thursday-Sunday am.

If the roommate is asking whether or not she needs to go to the hospital, that is a question she should be directing to her parent.

She might have anxiety.

Agree to document dates and stories.

Your daughter needs to be direct and then call in the RA

This is way over the RA's head. I would keep the RA out of it and contact housing, OP. The RA is another student. You know that, right? Some of these parents sound insane, and the colleges are well aware (and well prepared).

The RA is your liason for housing.....they work for housing as "frontline" workers. How do you people not know this? Contact the RA and request help. Be nice (not act like the RA works for you...she doesn't) - the RA will care and will help, even if that eventually means elevating it to a room change request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-my daughter is not wanting to go to the ra for all the individual stuff bc as pps point out the ra is basically a peer. However, if the sleep deprivation issues continue she will need to make contact (in the day!) to start investigating the room switch process.

OP - she really does need to meet with the RA. (not the middle of the night scenario) Set up a meeting to tell her what is going on. Tell roommate this is not health for either of you - and that you have already alerted the RA that if this doesn't stop, you'll be putting in a move request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communication!
College is the first opportunity many kids have had to deal with conflict resolution.
Time to talk to roommate gently to explain:
- it's not ok to wake up or be disruptive from midnight to 7am, unless a fire alarm or emergency
- not ok to disrupt homework either.
and get earplugs and perhaps a sleep mask.

This is the type of thing I have talked to her about. Unfortunately the roommate (who I do feel badly for as she’s clearly struggling) claims these ARE emergencies. Like “I coughed up blood in the bathroom do you think I should go to hospital” “yes!” “No, I don’t want to, but I can’t really breath so maybe? ” and on and on. And then the miracle improvement Thursday-Sunday am.

If the roommate is asking whether or not she needs to go to the hospital, that is a question she should be directing to her parent.

She might have anxiety.

Agree to document dates and stories.

Your daughter needs to be direct and then call in the RA

This is way over the RA's head. I would keep the RA out of it and contact housing, OP. The RA is another student. You know that, right? Some of these parents sound insane, and the colleges are well aware (and well prepared).

Wrong. I WAS an RA. That is definitely the place to start. She is your way in to the Res Life system. Trust me. They train specifically to handle roommate discord, mental illness etc

Many of us were RA's, PP - HTF do you think we ended up in this hell hole?? They trained us for weeks, but we were not paid like the res life people (who earn an actual salary, and act accordingly). You seem to not be connecting the dots, which is only hurting your kid.

OP, go to the sourse. Go to the proper department. Colleges are big on chain of command. Don't bother with the RA.

What hellhole? DCUM? DC? Your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn’t you help your kid manage this?

+1

OP, did you quit your parenting role?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communication!
College is the first opportunity many kids have had to deal with conflict resolution.
Time to talk to roommate gently to explain:
- it's not ok to wake up or be disruptive from midnight to 7am, unless a fire alarm or emergency
- not ok to disrupt homework either.
and get earplugs and perhaps a sleep mask.

This is the type of thing I have talked to her about. Unfortunately the roommate (who I do feel badly for as she’s clearly struggling) claims these ARE emergencies. Like “I coughed up blood in the bathroom do you think I should go to hospital” “yes!” “No, I don’t want to, but I can’t really breath so maybe? ” and on and on. And then the miracle improvement Thursday-Sunday am.

If the roommate is asking whether or not she needs to go to the hospital, that is a question she should be directing to her parent.

She might have anxiety.

Agree to document dates and stories.

Your daughter needs to be direct and then call in the RA

This is way over the RA's head. I would keep the RA out of it and contact housing, OP. The RA is another student. You know that, right? Some of these parents sound insane, and the colleges are well aware (and well prepared).

Wrong. I WAS an RA. That is definitely the place to start. She is your way in to the Res Life system. Trust me. They train specifically to handle roommate discord, mental illness etc

Many of us were RA's, PP - HTF do you think we ended up in this hell hole?? They trained us for weeks, but we were not paid like the res life people (who earn an actual salary, and act accordingly). You seem to not be connecting the dots, which is only hurting your kid.

OP, go to the sourse. Go to the proper department. Colleges are big on chain of command. Don't bother with the RA.

What hellhole? DCUM? DC? Your life?

Certain jobs like RA types because of their qualifications, which does not include parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communication!
College is the first opportunity many kids have had to deal with conflict resolution.
Time to talk to roommate gently to explain:
- it's not ok to wake up or be disruptive from midnight to 7am, unless a fire alarm or emergency
- not ok to disrupt homework either.
and get earplugs and perhaps a sleep mask.

This is the type of thing I have talked to her about. Unfortunately the roommate (who I do feel badly for as she’s clearly struggling) claims these ARE emergencies. Like “I coughed up blood in the bathroom do you think I should go to hospital” “yes!” “No, I don’t want to, but I can’t really breath so maybe? ” and on and on. And then the miracle improvement Thursday-Sunday am.

If the roommate is asking whether or not she needs to go to the hospital, that is a question she should be directing to her parent.

She might have anxiety.

Agree to document dates and stories.

Your daughter needs to be direct and then call in the RA

This is way over the RA's head. I would keep the RA out of it and contact housing, OP. The RA is another student. You know that, right? Some of these parents sound insane, and the colleges are well aware (and well prepared).

Wrong. I WAS an RA. That is definitely the place to start. She is your way in to the Res Life system. Trust me. They train specifically to handle roommate discord, mental illness etc

Many of us were RA's, PP - HTF do you think we ended up in this hell hole?? They trained us for weeks, but we were not paid like the res life people (who earn an actual salary, and act accordingly). You seem to not be connecting the dots, which is only hurting your kid.

OP, go to the sourse. Go to the proper department. Colleges are big on chain of command. Don't bother with the RA.

What hellhole? DCUM? DC? Your life?

Certain jobs like RA types because of their qualifications, which does not include parenting.

Are you serious ? You have got to be kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible roommate who would come home at 11 pm and do homework until 5 am. I was (still am) a light sleeper and probably got an average of 3 hours a sleep a night that first year. It exacerbated a latent mental illness and I flunked out.

When I returned, I lived solo in an apartment. Did fantastic. Someone roommates just suck, but some people do better living alone.

Did none of these kids fill out a roommate questionnaire? This is what happens when you pick someone based upon a Facebook or Instagram profile.

My kid's school encouraged the survey AND signing a roommate agreement early on, to settle issues like sleeping/quiet times, having overnight guests, etc.

Is that so rare?

That's not a thing anymore. Colleges don't care. They just assign people at random. HeIl, I went to school in the 90s and never filled out a roommate questionnaire.

Yup---my roommate and I were likely put together because our names were close in the alphabet. That's how 85% of roommates seemed to happen. Then you got the "someone in housing used their let's play games card"---such as the Davina and Carina as freshman roomies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended up getting my DD her own room. Dorms are just complete chaos.

Too bad. She could have learned a lot about managing human relationships.

Adults don't share rooms. This is unnecessary "learning."

Must young adults share their first apartment. So having navigated noise and guests and cleaning can come in handy. I think you are “wrong.”

Sharing an apartment with your OWN bedroom is very different than sharing a 10x12 room with someone else and that is your only space, all while going to the bathroom down the hall that is shared with 50+ others in a communal space