I think I’m being taken advantage of by DD friend’s mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do...

I would assume a positive viewpoint and assume that this mom is trying the best for her child and feel bad that she has to work until 9. That must be so hard to try to balance everything. But I am a teacher and see so many parents just trying to make it day to day. Most parents would LOVE to not work those hours but are forced to in order to just skate by.

Should she have mentioned it originally? Of course. But it's very possible that in her list of priorities, that it slipped through.

Let the girls play and have dinner.

Then try to get to know the mom. See what her vibe is. If the girls get along, help out other times and make sure she knows that she is part of a community that helps and cares for each other.

Or you can just do what you are doing and judge her for needing help that day. That seems pretty consistent for the blessed DCUM community.

The part for me that shows OP was manipulated is this. You ABSOLUTELY mention to the parent of a play date that you can’t pick up your child until 9pm! How does this slip one’s mind? It doesn’t.

“Hello Jane! The girls have been talking about getting together. Is this OK with you? Just a heads up, I work until 9pm. Will it still work on your end?”

+1 it's fine to do a favor for someone. It's a nice thing actually. And can be win-win with kids getting to play and socialize. It's also okay to ask for a favor

It is not okay to misrepresent / spring it on someone. If someone asked if her kid could come to my house on a Wknd to play and then it turned out they'd be gone all day for XYZ plans. No way - that is a totally different situation. Whereas of they'd asked from the start "we need to do this on Saturday, and Larla would love to come over and see her friend, does that work" I would probably say fine.

Playdates are not a favor.

If driving the girl home and 9pm is not an option you just text back... can the grandma pick up at 7 if not we can do it another day.

I did ask this, and she more or less said it was hard for her mom to pick up after dark, then I felt bad. And she lives quite a ways away. The whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It’ll be a one shot.

Then you say she can pick up at 6 before the sun goes down or you do it another day. Come on this is a not a foreign policy negotiation. It's a playdate.

How far do they live from you? I know my son had a friend that was 1 hour away and friends that were 5 minutes away. What are we talking about her.

It's like you are looking for a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do...

I would assume a positive viewpoint and assume that this mom is trying the best for her child and feel bad that she has to work until 9. That must be so hard to try to balance everything. But I am a teacher and see so many parents just trying to make it day to day. Most parents would LOVE to not work those hours but are forced to in order to just skate by.

Should she have mentioned it originally? Of course. But it's very possible that in her list of priorities, that it slipped through.

Let the girls play and have dinner.

Then try to get to know the mom. See what her vibe is. If the girls get along, help out other times and make sure she knows that she is part of a community that helps and cares for each other.

Or you can just do what you are doing and judge her for needing help that day. That seems pretty consistent for the blessed DCUM community.

The part for me that shows OP was manipulated is this. You ABSOLUTELY mention to the parent of a play date that you can’t pick up your child until 9pm! How does this slip one’s mind? It doesn’t.

“Hello Jane! The girls have been talking about getting together. Is this OK with you? Just a heads up, I work until 9pm. Will it still work on your end?”

+1 it's fine to do a favor for someone. It's a nice thing actually. And can be win-win with kids getting to play and socialize. It's also okay to ask for a favor

It is not okay to misrepresent / spring it on someone. If someone asked if her kid could come to my house on a Wknd to play and then it turned out they'd be gone all day for XYZ plans. No way - that is a totally different situation. Whereas of they'd asked from the start "we need to do this on Saturday, and Larla would love to come over and see her friend, does that work" I would probably say fine.

Playdates are not a favor.

If driving the girl home and 9pm is not an option you just text back... can the grandma pick up at 7 if not we can do it another day.

I did ask this, and she more or less said it was hard for her mom to pick up after dark, then I felt bad. And she lives quite a ways away. The whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It’ll be a one shot.

What if your daughter really likes this kid? Seems like you are more focused on the parents than what is good for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She's very strange.

I would welcome her daughter until the stated time, then not accept a playdate again. This poor kid is maybe desperate to socialize with normal people, but I don't have the bandwidth to deal with such parents.

+1

Smart. Takers gonna take, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone.

I don’t necessarily think it was ill-intent, but the way she switched it up when I said “sure” to a playdate, adding “great, I work until 9” just made me feel trapped a little.

I’m going to agree to it this one time, because DD will enjoy herself, but I won’t do it again.

I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, but now that you clarified this I think it was planned out and honestly most normal people don’t schedule play dates to end until 9 PM. That’s not OK. I hope the girls have a fun one time play date because personally I would never accept another play date invite from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do...

I would assume a positive viewpoint and assume that this mom is trying the best for her child and feel bad that she has to work until 9. That must be so hard to try to balance everything. But I am a teacher and see so many parents just trying to make it day to day. Most parents would LOVE to not work those hours but are forced to in order to just skate by.

Should she have mentioned it originally? Of course. But it's very possible that in her list of priorities, that it slipped through.

Let the girls play and have dinner.

Then try to get to know the mom. See what her vibe is. If the girls get along, help out other times and make sure she knows that she is part of a community that helps and cares for each other.

Or you can just do what you are doing and judge her for needing help that day. That seems pretty consistent for the blessed DCUM community.

The part for me that shows OP was manipulated is this. You ABSOLUTELY mention to the parent of a play date that you can’t pick up your child until 9pm! How does this slip one’s mind? It doesn’t.

“Hello Jane! The girls have been talking about getting together. Is this OK with you? Just a heads up, I work until 9pm. Will it still work on your end?”

+1 it's fine to do a favor for someone. It's a nice thing actually. And can be win-win with kids getting to play and socialize. It's also okay to ask for a favor

It is not okay to misrepresent / spring it on someone. If someone asked if her kid could come to my house on a Wknd to play and then it turned out they'd be gone all day for XYZ plans. No way - that is a totally different situation. Whereas of they'd asked from the start "we need to do this on Saturday, and Larla would love to come over and see her friend, does that work" I would probably say fine.

Playdates are not a favor.

If driving the girl home and 9pm is not an option you just text back... can the grandma pick up at 7 if not we can do it another day.

I did ask this, and she more or less said it was hard for her mom to pick up after dark, then I felt bad. And she lives quite a ways away. The whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It’ll be a one shot.

What if your daughter really likes this kid? Seems like you are more focused on the parents than what is good for the kids.

Oh please; this woman is allowed to have other obligations beyond one playdate for her child.

OP, I think either you do it this once and then not again (or vet carefully) or ask the grandmother to pick up at 6pm. Either way, you didn't do anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do...

I would assume a positive viewpoint and assume that this mom is trying the best for her child and feel bad that she has to work until 9. That must be so hard to try to balance everything. But I am a teacher and see so many parents just trying to make it day to day. Most parents would LOVE to not work those hours but are forced to in order to just skate by.

Should she have mentioned it originally? Of course. But it's very possible that in her list of priorities, that it slipped through.

Let the girls play and have dinner.

Then try to get to know the mom. See what her vibe is. If the girls get along, help out other times and make sure she knows that she is part of a community that helps and cares for each other.

Or you can just do what you are doing and judge her for needing help that day. That seems pretty consistent for the blessed DCUM community.

The part for me that shows OP was manipulated is this. You ABSOLUTELY mention to the parent of a play date that you can’t pick up your child until 9pm! How does this slip one’s mind? It doesn’t.

“Hello Jane! The girls have been talking about getting together. Is this OK with you? Just a heads up, I work until 9pm. Will it still work on your end?”

+1 it's fine to do a favor for someone. It's a nice thing actually. And can be win-win with kids getting to play and socialize. It's also okay to ask for a favor

It is not okay to misrepresent / spring it on someone. If someone asked if her kid could come to my house on a Wknd to play and then it turned out they'd be gone all day for XYZ plans. No way - that is a totally different situation. Whereas of they'd asked from the start "we need to do this on Saturday, and Larla would love to come over and see her friend, does that work" I would probably say fine.

Playdates are not a favor.

If driving the girl home and 9pm is not an option you just text back... can the grandma pick up at 7 if not we can do it another day.

I did ask this, and she more or less said it was hard for her mom to pick up after dark, then I felt bad. And she lives quite a ways away. The whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It’ll be a one shot.

What if your daughter really likes this kid? Seems like you are more focused on the parents than what is good for the kids.

Oh please; this woman is allowed to have other obligations beyond one playdate for her child.

OP, I think either you do it this once and then not again (or vet carefully) or ask the grandmother to pick up at 6pm. Either way, you didn't do anything wrong.

I mean she kinda did, she needs people to tell her how to talk like and adult to another parents. So...

[Anonymous]

This whole thread reminds me of the woman who would hide her "good" snacks when her kids brought over poor friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread reminds me of the woman who would hide her "good" snacks when her kids brought over poor friends.

Who said she was poor? She could be a doctor for all you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread reminds me of the woman who would hide her "good" snacks when her kids brought over poor friends.

Who said she was poor? She could be a doctor for all you know.

OP here. Not sure what she makes, but she’s a librarian.

[Anonymous]

My take: This is a strange grey area. Perhaps the mom is using the play date as a way to relieve her normal childcare (grandma) for the night, for whatever reason, essentially killing two birds with one stone. Because otherwise, why would you choose such an inconvenient day for a playdate? I mean think of it…

Would you seriously plan a play date for a day you knew you couldn’t pick up until 9? Out of the seven days in the week, you’d suggest the one fay you’re unavailable to pick up your child until 9pm? No one in their right mind would, and this tells us all we need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My take: This is a strange grey area. Perhaps the mom is using the play date as a way to relieve her normal childcare (grandma) for the night, for whatever reason, essentially killing two birds with one stone. Because otherwise, why would you choose such an inconvenient day for a playdate? I mean think of it…

Would you seriously plan a play date for a day you knew you couldn’t pick up until 9? Out of the seven days in the week, you’d suggest the one fay you’re unavailable to pick up your child until 9pm? No one in their right mind would, and this tells us all we need to know.

Maybe tell her to tell you when she is not working until 9 PM, as that would be easier for your side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in as a mom of older teens looking back… I also used to to feel stressed in these situations but looking back I wish I were a lot more mellow. Kids love to be together and that actually makes things things better for the day/evening. Just let the friend join in for dinner, put a movie on and let them hang out til the mom picks up. These are moments kids remember and that have lasting effects. BUT, make sure the mom knows this is not a regular thing. Say things like your DD enjoyed this special occasion, etc

I agree but it can get to the point where you’re being take advantage of. I would definitely do it this time though. I’ve let this kind of thing go on too long in the past then I get resentful.

[Anonymous]

9 PM. Grandma lives away and does not drive in the dark (reasonably IME).

It feels too coincidental that DD friend came up with the "after school" playdate for this exact day. Nope.

And then DD mom drops the first shoe (9PM) and then the second shoe (grandma driving) AFTER you have agreed to this after school play date.

If it's Friday and DD likes her, just make it a sleep over. If this is a week night, newer friend and mom I don't know...that is too much time for me and would be a 1-off unless my kid totally adores this friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do...

I would assume a positive viewpoint and assume that this mom is trying the best for her child and feel bad that she has to work until 9. That must be so hard to try to balance everything. But I am a teacher and see so many parents just trying to make it day to day. Most parents would LOVE to not work those hours but are forced to in order to just skate by.

Should she have mentioned it originally? Of course. But it's very possible that in her list of priorities, that it slipped through.

Let the girls play and have dinner.

Then try to get to know the mom. See what her vibe is. If the girls get along, help out other times and make sure she knows that she is part of a community that helps and cares for each other.

Or you can just do what you are doing and judge her for needing help that day. That seems pretty consistent for the blessed DCUM community.

The part for me that shows OP was manipulated is this. You ABSOLUTELY mention to the parent of a play date that you can’t pick up your child until 9pm! How does this slip one’s mind? It doesn’t.

“Hello Jane! The girls have been talking about getting together. Is this OK with you? Just a heads up, I work until 9pm. Will it still work on your end?”

+1 it's fine to do a favor for someone. It's a nice thing actually. And can be win-win with kids getting to play and socialize. It's also okay to ask for a favor

It is not okay to misrepresent / spring it on someone. If someone asked if her kid could come to my house on a Wknd to play and then it turned out they'd be gone all day for XYZ plans. No way - that is a totally different situation. Whereas of they'd asked from the start "we need to do this on Saturday, and Larla would love to come over and see her friend, does that work" I would probably say fine.

Playdates are not a favor.

If driving the girl home and 9pm is not an option you just text back... can the grandma pick up at 7 if not we can do it another day.

I did ask this, and she more or less said it was hard for her mom to pick up after dark, then I felt bad. And she lives quite a ways away. The whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It’ll be a one shot.

What if your daughter really likes this kid? Seems like you are more focused on the parents than what is good for the kids.

NP, and one of my kids just adored another kid who was nice enough but whose parents were always looking to us to take care of their kid because it made their lives easier. Maybe they genuinely saw it as an opportunity for our boys to hang out, and oh! fortunate side effect, they didn't have to hire a sitter! but we had other kids and other commitments, and wondering when they were going to pick up their kid was not adding to my quality of life.

I didn't want their kid to feel unwelcome at our house, but if you're an hour late and thus two hours past the standard bedtime? We're never doing this again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9 PM. Grandma lives away and does not drive in the dark (reasonably IME).

It feels too coincidental that DD friend came up with the "after school" playdate for this exact day. Nope.

And then DD mom drops the first shoe (9PM) and then the second shoe (grandma driving) AFTER you have agreed to this after school play date.

If it's Friday and DD likes her, just make it a sleep over. If this is a week night, newer friend and mom I don't know...that is too much time for me and would be a 1-off unless my kid totally adores this friend.

This. It should have been disclosed at the outset and it wasn't. The choice of this day is too coincidental.