I think I’m being taken advantage of by DD friend’s mom

[Anonymous]

Where’s the dad?

I once hosted a kid and mom was two hours late so 9pm. The kids must have been 8 or so. Invitation was from after school until 6. Mom said she can come at 7 and we agreed. Day of mom said she would be running late and it would be 8. She showed up a little past 9. This had never happened before. She was a single mom. What really annoyed me was there was some man in the car. I think she was on a date. Did she go out to dinner??? I have no idea. I never invited them again and then the kid left the school in the middle of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are 10 year olds, not toddlers. 9 is late for a school night, but it’s not THAT late. This sort of seems like a regular play date, and not a huge imposition to me. My kid had sports until 9:30 once or twice a week at that age. I wouldn’t assume the mom picked this specific day just to try to get some free child care - maybe she doesn’t realize 9 is super late for you? And you said it was fine, so how is she to know you’re all upset about it?! Is your 10yo your oldest and you have little ones to put to bed earlier? My kids are around 10 now (some older, some younger) and they sometimes hang out at friends houses, or we have friends here, till 9. I’d say 3/5 week nights I am feeding other kids dinner and/or my kids are getting fed elsewhere. But this is all within the neighborhood and usually spur of the moment.

I think you need to get to know the mom better to have a better understanding of if you’re being taken advantage of. And if you actually have something else to do that day, by all means suggest a different date! Sibling has sports at 7 and your DH isn’t around? Sorry, try for another day!

This! You don’t need to assume she’s trying to take advantage of you. She could be disorganized (for whatever reason) or could be in a job where she has no control over last minute schedule changes.

If it doesn’t work for you then reschedule.

Her inability to stay organized or her inflexible job are not OPs problem. The woman should hire reliable help. Having the kid over until 9pm is not a play date, it's free babysitting. Not divulging facts at the outset is manipulative.

+1

Absolutely this. BTDT, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it incredible that people on here are siding with the mom. She intentionally did not covet facts to OP when discussing the play date of the 9pm time.

For all you people, let’s arrange a 1st play date with a child and family who you don’t know. Then when the kid is there tell you that she either needs to stay till 9pm or you need to drive far away and drop her off at grandmom.

Who in their right mind does this s’hit?

PP directly before you - a lot of people prefer to be jerks and then criticize other people for not "using their words" and telling them they're being jerks. Those are the people defending 9pm playdate mom.

You realize people have more than 1 child and often don’t get home until late after sports practice/games.

If you plan a playdate there is no expectation someone is just sitting at home waiting for it to be over.

If late pickup is not an option and u can’t drop of “use your words”.

I have three kids and, yes, if I'm scheduling a playdate for one of them, you're damn right I expect a caregiver to be around at a reasonable hour for drop-off, if the kid is young enough to need one.

Moreover, if I need childcare help from a friend, I state it up front. "Larla would love to come over tomorrow, but Larlo has a late soccer game and DH is out of town. Is 9pm pick up too late - happy to reschedule if so."

Stop picking on the OP for not "using her words" when the 9pm playdate mom isn't using hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have younger kids and am not to the hanging out with friends stage yet but is this really an issue for people? This sort of thing happened alllllllll the time growing up. I grew up in a middle lower class town so a lot of friends parents worked nights or weekends and my mom stayed at home and she was super willing to make our house the hang out place (she also yes has a heart of gold and pulled out 6 course meals every night). I had friends over all the time whose parents picked them up after work. I’m scared about what this says about parenting these days if someone asking this one time is this big of an issue.

People are very stingy with their help. I was the house that all the kids came to and when I had a medical emergency and not one of the parents would help. My husband needed to be at the hospital with me and we couldn't find anyone to take our elementary aged kids. If anyone does ever help they will either complain about it to everyone else for a year or expect you to take their kid 10 times even though their kid has lived at your house for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have younger kids and am not to the hanging out with friends stage yet but is this really an issue for people? This sort of thing happened alllllllll the time growing up. I grew up in a middle lower class town so a lot of friends parents worked nights or weekends and my mom stayed at home and she was super willing to make our house the hang out place (she also yes has a heart of gold and pulled out 6 course meals every night). I had friends over all the time whose parents picked them up after work. I’m scared about what this says about parenting these days if someone asking this one time is this big of an issue.

This is so true - I grew up in a neighborhood where the moms routinely covered for each other like this, and it’s one of the things I miss most now - the sense of community.

Now there is usually only one of us and we get taken advantage of willingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone wants a village but no one wants to BE the village.

Everyone wants a village that consists of fellow UMC people who they'd enjoy socializing with. This mom who works until 9 PM (!!!) is obviously of a lower social status so no one wants her in their village.

Human nature can be awful. We don't help the people who need the help. We develop some instinct to run away less they become dependent upon us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it incredible that people on here are siding with the mom. She intentionally did not covet facts to OP when discussing the play date of the 9pm time.

For all you people, let’s arrange a 1st play date with a child and family who you don’t know. Then when the kid is there tell you that she either needs to stay till 9pm or you need to drive far away and drop her off at grandmom.

Who in their right mind does this s’hit?

PP directly before you - a lot of people prefer to be jerks and then criticize other people for not "using their words" and telling them they're being jerks. Those are the people defending 9pm playdate mom.

You realize people have more than 1 child and often don’t get home until late after sports practice/games.

If you plan a playdate there is no expectation someone is just sitting at home waiting for it to be over.

If late pickup is not an option and u can’t drop of “use your words”.

I have three kids and, yes, if I'm scheduling a playdate for one of them, you're damn right I expect a caregiver to be around at a reasonable hour for drop-off, if the kid is young enough to need one.

Moreover, if I need childcare help from a friend, I state it up front. "Larla would love to come over tomorrow, but Larlo has a late soccer game and DH is out of town. Is 9pm pick up too late - happy to reschedule if so."

Stop picking on the OP for not "using her words" when the 9pm playdate mom isn't using hers.

Exactly this. No one cares if you are "waiting at home" or doing something else. It's that you are able to do the pickup at an appropriate, agreed-upon time. Esp when it's the first time and you don't know the other family well or have an existing relationship.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue is more that the other mom isn't directly asking for help and may not need help. The other mom may be simply trying to make a play date work on a night that's stressful for her (where she already had plans for childcare - Grandma). OP feels taken advantage of ... but I think there may just be poor communication from both sides.

If the playdate weren't on the table and the other mom reached out and said, "Hey, our kids seem to get along well, I'm in a bind, can my kid stay with you until 9 Wednesday?" the OP may be fine, as the other mom is directly asking for help.

In this case, OP may just need to say directly, "We don't usually do playdates so late on a school night. Would this weekend work?" Or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone wants a village but no one wants to BE the village.

Everyone wants a village that consists of fellow UMC people who they'd enjoy socializing with. This mom who works until 9 PM (!!!) is obviously of a lower social status so no one wants her in their village.

Human nature can be awful. We don't help the people who need the help. We develop some instinct to run away less they become dependent upon us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have younger kids and am not to the hanging out with friends stage yet but is this really an issue for people? This sort of thing happened alllllllll the time growing up. I grew up in a middle lower class town so a lot of friends parents worked nights or weekends and my mom stayed at home and she was super willing to make our house the hang out place (she also yes has a heart of gold and pulled out 6 course meals every night). I had friends over all the time whose parents picked them up after work. I’m scared about what this says about parenting these days if someone asking this one time is this big of an issue.

People are very stingy with their help. I was the house that all the kids came to and when I had a medical emergency and not one of the parents would help. My husband needed to be at the hospital with me and we couldn't find anyone to take our elementary aged kids. If anyone does ever help they will either complain about it to everyone else for a year or expect you to take their kid 10 times even though their kid has lived at your house for a year.

I think you have to be very specific in your ask. Like you, I’m the hang out house. I carpool. I feed and treat kids when we take kids out.

Could Johnny go home with Mikey next Wednesday after school? I have to take Sally to a doctor’s appointment.

Could you do me a favor? I will be out of town this Friday. Could Sally walk home with you? DH will pick her up on the way home from work.

I once had a military mom ask if her son could spend the night at my house because her husband was on a work trip and she had to attend a funeral. Of course I said yes. Kid came home with me after school, spent the night and I drove kids to school. After school, they came over again and mom came to pick him up.

I had surgery a few years ago and didn’t specifically ask anyone for help. DH took 2 weeks off from work and then my parents came to help. I’m sure if I asked one person per day to help while Dh was with me at the hospital, they would have said yes. Dh would just leave when he had to get the kids and I was alone at the hospital. Most people don’t have someone with them at the hospital the entire time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it incredible that people on here are siding with the mom. She intentionally did not covet facts to OP when discussing the play date of the 9pm time.

For all you people, let’s arrange a 1st play date with a child and family who you don’t know. Then when the kid is there tell you that she either needs to stay till 9pm or you need to drive far away and drop her off at grandmom.

Who in their right mind does this s’hit?

PP directly before you - a lot of people prefer to be jerks and then criticize other people for not "using their words" and telling them they're being jerks. Those are the people defending 9pm playdate mom.

You realize people have more than 1 child and often don’t get home until late after sports practice/games.

If you plan a playdate there is no expectation someone is just sitting at home waiting for it to be over.

If late pickup is not an option and u can’t drop of “use your words”.

I have three kids and, yes, if I'm scheduling a playdate for one of them, you're damn right I expect a caregiver to be around at a reasonable hour for drop-off, if the kid is young enough to need one.

Moreover, if I need childcare help from a friend, I state it up front. "Larla would love to come over tomorrow, but Larlo has a late soccer game and DH is out of town. Is 9pm pick up too late - happy to reschedule if so."

Stop picking on the OP for not "using her words" when the 9pm playdate mom isn't using hers.

The 9pm playdate mom has used her words. She has explicitly said in order for this playdate to work she can pick up at 9 or the kid needs to be dropped off at grandma. Now it's op's turn. "Sorry that doesn't work for us - let's do another time."

So simple. No one is taking advantage. DON'T say YES if you don't mean it and your feelings of being taken advantage of will decrease.

[Anonymous]

I have older kids so my perspective may be different. No one’s schedule lines up perfectly. In our world, it is usually sports conflicts. Kids try to make a plan. Parents need to execute.

Can Larlo hang out with Sunny on Friday?
What time?
After School.
Ok

On Thursday, we may figure out details. I may say DH can pick Larlo up on the way home from work at 6. I may say we have dinner plans. I can pick up Larlo at 630 before dinner or 930. Almost always, it is fine when we can pick up. I have a younger child who goes to bed early so I will drive kid home if it is getting late. Other parents without youbg kids don’t seem to mind lateish pick ups. 10 is not that young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are 10 year olds, not toddlers. 9 is late for a school night, but it’s not THAT late. This sort of seems like a regular play date, and not a huge imposition to me. My kid had sports until 9:30 once or twice a week at that age. I wouldn’t assume the mom picked this specific day just to try to get some free child care - maybe she doesn’t realize 9 is super late for you? And you said it was fine, so how is she to know you’re all upset about it?! Is your 10yo your oldest and you have little ones to put to bed earlier? My kids are around 10 now (some older, some younger) and they sometimes hang out at friends houses, or we have friends here, till 9. I’d say 3/5 week nights I am feeding other kids dinner and/or my kids are getting fed elsewhere. But this is all within the neighborhood and usually spur of the moment.

I think you need to get to know the mom better to have a better understanding of if you’re being taken advantage of. And if you actually have something else to do that day, by all means suggest a different date! Sibling has sports at 7 and your DH isn’t around? Sorry, try for another day!

This! You don’t need to assume she’s trying to take advantage of you. She could be disorganized (for whatever reason) or could be in a job where she has no control over last minute schedule changes.

If it doesn’t work for you then reschedule.

I mean, whether she is trying to take advantage or not, she is putting extra burdens on OP. She invited her daughter over to OP’s house (OP did not reach out to extend the invite). She knew this would mean OP would have to do the carpool line, which is an extra ask. She knew she works late on that day yet suggested it as a convenient day for her daughter to come. And she knew that the grandma lives far away from OP and that she’s not willing for the grandma to come pick up. All of this is taking advantage of OP, who is essentially a stranger to her. All you people saying 9pm mom used her words are wrong. She withheld details and manipulated the situation. She is 100 percent not in a bind. She has a local grandma who could cover for her and she is librarian. I can’t think of a single library where a 10 year old girl could not sit and read or do homework quietly if mom needed her to come along. She’s a taker, plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this on a Friday or a school night? If a Friday, unless you have dinner plans or something, just have the mother come get her after work - let the kids eat dinner and watch a movie. If it's a weeknight, say you need to reschedule because you can't make anything past X time work on a weekday and you're not available to drive her to her grandmother's house.

+1, reschedule for a Friday. Everyone wins

[Anonymous]

And furthermore, if my 10 year old said to me he’d like to have a play date at Larlo’s house, I’d say it’s impolite to invite yourself over to someone’s home but we can invite him to ours. Who lets their kid decide where she’d like to be invited and demands it of a mom she doesn’t even know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are 10 year olds, not toddlers. 9 is late for a school night, but it’s not THAT late. This sort of seems like a regular play date, and not a huge imposition to me. My kid had sports until 9:30 once or twice a week at that age. I wouldn’t assume the mom picked this specific day just to try to get some free child care - maybe she doesn’t realize 9 is super late for you? And you said it was fine, so how is she to know you’re all upset about it?! Is your 10yo your oldest and you have little ones to put to bed earlier? My kids are around 10 now (some older, some younger) and they sometimes hang out at friends houses, or we have friends here, till 9. I’d say 3/5 week nights I am feeding other kids dinner and/or my kids are getting fed elsewhere. But this is all within the neighborhood and usually spur of the moment.

I think you need to get to know the mom better to have a better understanding of if you’re being taken advantage of. And if you actually have something else to do that day, by all means suggest a different date! Sibling has sports at 7 and your DH isn’t around? Sorry, try for another day!

This! You don’t need to assume she’s trying to take advantage of you. She could be disorganized (for whatever reason) or could be in a job where she has no control over last minute schedule changes.

If it doesn’t work for you then reschedule.

I mean, whether she is trying to take advantage or not, she is putting extra burdens on OP. She invited her daughter over to OP’s house (OP did not reach out to extend the invite). She knew this would mean OP would have to do the carpool line, which is an extra ask. She knew she works late on that day yet suggested it as a convenient day for her daughter to come. And she knew that the grandma lives far away from OP and that she’s not willing for the grandma to come pick up. All of this is taking advantage of OP, who is essentially a stranger to her. All you people saying 9pm mom used her words are wrong. She withheld details and manipulated the situation. She is 100 percent not in a bind. She has a local grandma who could cover for her and she is librarian. I can’t think of a single library where a 10 year old girl could not sit and read or do homework quietly if mom needed her to come along. She’s a taker, plain and simple.

Ding Ding Ding.