I think I’m being taken advantage of by DD friend’s mom

[Anonymous]

I think it’s pretty ballsy to ask you to keep her DD until 9pm on a school night AND drive her to grandma’s house which is “far away.” The second part would be crazy annoying on a school night- what if you have a younger sibling, is everyone supposed to pile on the car to drive an hour there and back?

I would ask if it was possible for grandma to come pick up before it gets dark, as that would work better for your family and you aren’t able to drive her home due to other family obligations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD10’s friend planted the seed that she’d like to come over. They’ve been talking about if for days, apparently. Today the mom texted me and mentioned the girls’ plan, and asked if it would be OK if her DD came home with my DD after school, like they’ve been planning. Of course, I said.

It’s not an “inconvenience” per se, but DD is a busser, but since COVID they don’t allow friends to go home with you on the bus, so I will have to brave the school pickup line to grab them. But fine, whatever.

A few minutes later the mom tells me she actually has to work, until NINE! And that I can drop the girl off at her grandma’s house if I need to before then.

Say what? So I’m babysitting.

I still have no idea where grandma lives (still waiting to hear) but if it’s far, I really don’t want to have to pick up, watch, feed, and then drop off, too! It just feels icky to me the way it was presented.

But I get that it takes a village and I’m helping this mom out, even if her approach was sneaky, plus, DD wants to hang out with her friend.

So. If grandma lives close, I don’t mind dropping off. If she’s far, I would rather grandma grab her at a certain time. If she can’t do that, it doesn’t work for me.

What is the best way to word this to the mom once I hear back?

So if the mom didn't have to work than you wouldn't be babysitting? I don't get it. Wouldn't you already babysitting even if the mom picks her up after dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10’s friend planted the seed that she’d like to come over. They’ve been talking about if for days, apparently. Today the mom texted me and mentioned the girls’ plan, and asked if it would be OK if her DD came home with my DD after school, like they’ve been planning. Of course, I said.

It’s not an “inconvenience” per se, but DD is a busser, but since COVID they don’t allow friends to go home with you on the bus, so I will have to brave the school pickup line to grab them. But fine, whatever.

A few minutes later the mom tells me she actually has to work, until NINE! And that I can drop the girl off at her grandma’s house if I need to before then.

Say what? So I’m babysitting.

I still have no idea where grandma lives (still waiting to hear) but if it’s far, I really don’t want to have to pick up, watch, feed, and then drop off, too! It just feels icky to me the way it was presented.

But I get that it takes a village and I’m helping this mom out, even if her approach was sneaky, plus, DD wants to hang out with her friend.

So. If grandma lives close, I don’t mind dropping off. If she’s far, I would rather grandma grab her at a certain time. If she can’t do that, it doesn’t work for me.

What is the best way to word this to the mom once I hear back?

So if the mom didn't have to work than you wouldn't be babysitting? I don't get it. Wouldn't you already babysitting even if the mom picks her up after dinner?

What's there to "get"? If the other mom wasn't working, OP would prefer for the playdate to end earlier than 9pm. She's want the friend picked up earlier in the evening.

It's "babysitting" if the schedule is not ideal and is being driven by the other parent's unavailability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10’s friend planted the seed that she’d like to come over. They’ve been talking about if for days, apparently. Today the mom texted me and mentioned the girls’ plan, and asked if it would be OK if her DD came home with my DD after school, like they’ve been planning. Of course, I said.

It’s not an “inconvenience” per se, but DD is a busser, but since COVID they don’t allow friends to go home with you on the bus, so I will have to brave the school pickup line to grab them. But fine, whatever.

A few minutes later the mom tells me she actually has to work, until NINE! And that I can drop the girl off at her grandma’s house if I need to before then.

Say what? So I’m babysitting.

I still have no idea where grandma lives (still waiting to hear) but if it’s far, I really don’t want to have to pick up, watch, feed, and then drop off, too! It just feels icky to me the way it was presented.

But I get that it takes a village and I’m helping this mom out, even if her approach was sneaky, plus, DD wants to hang out with her friend.

So. If grandma lives close, I don’t mind dropping off. If she’s far, I would rather grandma grab her at a certain time. If she can’t do that, it doesn’t work for me.

What is the best way to word this to the mom once I hear back?

So if the mom didn't have to work than you wouldn't be babysitting? I don't get it. Wouldn't you already babysitting even if the mom picks her up after dinner?

What's there to "get"? If the other mom wasn't working, OP would prefer for the playdate to end earlier than 9pm. She's want the friend picked up earlier in the evening.

It's "babysitting" if the schedule is not ideal and is being driven by the other parent's unavailability.

This! What don’t you get, PP?

From the OP:

“A few minutes later the mom tells me she actually has to work, until NINE! And that I can drop the girl off at her grandma’s house if I need to before then.”

[Anonymous]

This is baffling. Just ask what day would work for the mom to pick her up at 5 or whenever you want. OP, the other mom seems clueless but also you’ve given zero indication that this is a problem. People propose times and changes to plans all the time—just say it doesn’t work. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10’s friend planted the seed that she’d like to come over. They’ve been talking about if for days, apparently. Today the mom texted me and mentioned the girls’ plan, and asked if it would be OK if her DD came home with my DD after school, like they’ve been planning. Of course, I said.

It’s not an “inconvenience” per se, but DD is a busser, but since COVID they don’t allow friends to go home with you on the bus, so I will have to brave the school pickup line to grab them. But fine, whatever.

A few minutes later the mom tells me she actually has to work, until NINE! And that I can drop the girl off at her grandma’s house if I need to before then.

Say what? So I’m babysitting.

I still have no idea where grandma lives (still waiting to hear) but if it’s far, I really don’t want to have to pick up, watch, feed, and then drop off, too! It just feels icky to me the way it was presented.

But I get that it takes a village and I’m helping this mom out, even if her approach was sneaky, plus, DD wants to hang out with her friend.

So. If grandma lives close, I don’t mind dropping off. If she’s far, I would rather grandma grab her at a certain time. If she can’t do that, it doesn’t work for me.

What is the best way to word this to the mom once I hear back?

So if the mom didn't have to work than you wouldn't be babysitting? I don't get it. Wouldn't you already babysitting even if the mom picks her up after dinner?

What's there to "get"? If the other mom wasn't working, OP would prefer for the playdate to end earlier than 9pm. She's want the friend picked up earlier in the evening.

It's "babysitting" if the schedule is not ideal and is being driven by the other parent's unavailability.

Well she is babysitting either way. The amount of time matters but, just have her tell mom that she can't do it.

[Anonymous]

I would let her stay until 9 this one time. Then next time she texts for a play date I'd say "sure, but Larla will need to be picked up by 6. If that doesn't work, let's get the kids together another time!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is baffling. Just ask what day would work for the mom to pick her up at 5 or whenever you want. OP, the other mom seems clueless but also you’ve given zero indication that this is a problem. People propose times and changes to plans all the time—just say it doesn’t work. Sheesh.

Yep this is an OP needs to use her words situation.

"It's not going to work for me to drop off at grandma's (i might check first to make sure grandma doesn't live a block away or somewhere really close...), can grandma come pick her up at X time? No? Ok lets reschedule to a day that works better for all of us."

Personally not having my kid take the bus home would be a deal-breaker for me. "Unfortunately there is a no guest rule for the bus and I am unable to drive to pick up both girls due to my work schedule - how about a Sunday playdate?"

This is OPs communication problem not the other mom taking advantage - how is she supposed to know your limits if you don't express them?

[Anonymous]

This was a failure on the other mom's part. She got you to say yes to what you figured was a standard play date, and then let you know it either had to last until 9 pm or required you dropping her kid off somewhere far away. She should have mentioned those before asking if it was OK.

I'm always happy to help another mom out but I would worry that this relationship is starting off on the wrong foot. She's already presuming a lot and she barely knows you. Yes, it's possible that it's just crossed wires, but I would say in this case you should hope for the best but also prepare for the worst. If you decide to say yes this time, definitely be firm and direct for the next play date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mom usually picks her up from school. DD just told me her mom’s hours just changed at work.

Where is Dad?

[Anonymous]

So you’re going to sabotage your kid’s friendship and no longer do play dates rather than a say, “oh, unfortunately that doesn’t work for our schedule. Is there a day you could pick kid up around 7?”

Do you typically have issues with social interactions, OP?

[Anonymous]

I would do it this one time. If the girl was a good friend of my child, I would inconvenience myself. My kids have a lot of friends. The kids who have working parents who don’t prioritize socializing often miss out.

As a kid whose immigrant parents never arranged play dates, I don’t mind driving my kids’ friends. They all live 5-10 min away though. If parents can’t pick up early enough, I drive them home. 9pm on a weeknight is definitely late.

[Anonymous]

How far are we talking? I guess if your kids attend private, they can live far. If public, they must live relatively close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have younger kids and am not to the hanging out with friends stage yet but is this really an issue for people? This sort of thing happened alllllllll the time growing up. I grew up in a middle lower class town so a lot of friends parents worked nights or weekends and my mom stayed at home and she was super willing to make our house the hang out place (she also yes has a heart of gold and pulled out 6 course meals every night). I had friends over all the time whose parents picked them up after work. I’m scared about what this says about parenting these days if someone asking this one time is this big of an issue.

EXACTLY. I feel like an alien here sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have younger kids and am not to the hanging out with friends stage yet but is this really an issue for people? This sort of thing happened alllllllll the time growing up. I grew up in a middle lower class town so a lot of friends parents worked nights or weekends and my mom stayed at home and she was super willing to make our house the hang out place (she also yes has a heart of gold and pulled out 6 course meals every night). I had friends over all the time whose parents picked them up after work. I’m scared about what this says about parenting these days if someone asking this one time is this big of an issue.

The other mom *didn't* ask, though - that's the whole point. If, when the OP had offered the playdate, the other mom had said, "Larla would love to, but I'll be working until 9pm that night. If that's too late for her to stay, we can pick another night" - this thread wouldn't be happening.

It can be hard to set boundaries with people who seem to have no clue that their behavior needs correcting, especially in the moment. It's something many adults struggle with, so people need to stop acting like the answer is so obvious, why doesn't the OP get it.

OP, you can go back to people with these kinds of situations. "You know, I thought it would work, but I realized 9pm will be too late. Please let me know a day that would work when you/grandma can pick up Larla by 6pm. Larly is really looking forward to having Larla over!"