I think I’m being taken advantage of by DD friend’s mom

[Anonymous]

Is the problem really the logistics or is it more that you feel taken advantage of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan to feed the kids dinner and make sure they get any homework done. Wait for mom to pick up.

No. That doesn’t work with our schedule, unfortunately.

This, I can keep her for two hours but you or someone will need to pick her up. I cannot keep her that late.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids. One of my kids’ best friends has parents who are divorced. He is a wonderful kid. I know that if we make plans with this boy, I always have to pick him up, drive him home, feed him and pay for him. I already know this up front and am totally ok with this. He is a great kid. It isn’t his fault his parents are divorced.

There have been times I am in a pinch and other parents help me out. I help others out when I can. Usually it is not the same person I help who helps me. For example, when my kids were younger, there were families where I often drove kids to sports and activities and I banked a lot of favors. These families had spouses who traveled. I was happy to help them when they had conflicts. Then when I had a baby, other families helped me out with driving kids and they were totally different families. They hosted my kids, picked them up because they knew I was getting adjusted to having a new baby and I really appreciated it.

Now my kids are older. My youngest is eager to make new friends. I would be glad my daughter has a friend she can hang out with. My opinion of parent matters less. There are some working moms who just put me in contact with their nanny. I used to get annoyed but it is fine. The moms are we are coordinating with may be lawyers. Yours sounds like it may be a blue collar worker.

I would let the friend come over. If you don’t like the set up, don’t host again in the future.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I doubt this mom is trying to take advantage of you. She probably works late often. My kids have parents with various demanding jobs. My children and their friends drive the plans. A ten year old can stay home alone. If the girl wasn’t coming to your house after school, she could go home alone or to her grandmother’s house.

My older kids often try to make plans. If my kid or a parent reaches out, I sometimes say my child is available but I can’t drive him. Then other parent offers or not. Same for other kids. I pick up my kids’ friends. This is fairly common once kids get older.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you should assume ill intent. If Grandma is routinely used for babysitting, I doubt she lives a great distance away. But if you can’t be flexible, just reschedule and avoid the stress and resentment that this may cause you. No judgment.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t assume ill intent either, but I wouldn’t want a kid over until 9 pm any night (my kids are in bed … I am winding down to get ready for work next day). I would just be kind but direct that it’s too late for your family, let’s find a day where you’re able to pick up at dinner time.

It would be different if the parent were truly asking for help in a pinch. But right now this is framed as an optional playdate … so why not just find a better option before setting the expectation that you randomly have kids over until 9 pm midweek for no good reason.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone.

I don’t necessarily think it was ill-intent, but the way she switched it up when I said “sure” to a playdate, adding “great, I work until 9” just made me feel trapped a little.

I’m going to agree to it this one time, because DD will enjoy herself, but I won’t do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time make sure to get commitments on the details before you agree to it.

Make sure they don't have that great a time.

How would you word that? I’m so bad at things like this!

“Are you OK with Larla come over like the girls’ have been talking about?”

What would you say next to get all the details?

"If you can pick Larla up by 7 when we have family dinner, that should work fine"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do...

I would assume a positive viewpoint and assume that this mom is trying the best for her child and feel bad that she has to work until 9. That must be so hard to try to balance everything. But I am a teacher and see so many parents just trying to make it day to day. Most parents would LOVE to not work those hours but are forced to in order to just skate by.

Should she have mentioned it originally? Of course. But it's very possible that in her list of priorities, that it slipped through.

Let the girls play and have dinner.

Then try to get to know the mom. See what her vibe is. If the girls get along, help out other times and make sure she knows that she is part of a community that helps and cares for each other.

Or you can just do what you are doing and judge her for needing help that day. That seems pretty consistent for the blessed DCUM community.

The part for me that shows OP was manipulated is this. You ABSOLUTELY mention to the parent of a play date that you can’t pick up your child until 9pm! How does this slip one’s mind? It doesn’t.

“Hello Jane! The girls have been talking about getting together. Is this OK with you? Just a heads up, I work until 9pm. Will it still work on your end?”

+1 it's fine to do a favor for someone. It's a nice thing actually. And can be win-win with kids getting to play and socialize. It's also okay to ask for a favor

It is not okay to misrepresent / spring it on someone. If someone asked if her kid could come to my house on a Wknd to play and then it turned out they'd be gone all day for XYZ plans. No way - that is a totally different situation. Whereas of they'd asked from the start "we need to do this on Saturday, and Larla would love to come over and see her friend, does that work" I would probably say fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone.

I don’t necessarily think it was ill-intent, but the way she switched it up when I said “sure” to a playdate, adding “great, I work until 9” just made me feel trapped a little.

I’m going to agree to it this one time, because DD will enjoy herself, but I won’t do it again.

Wow, trapped. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone.

I don’t necessarily think it was ill-intent, but the way she switched it up when I said “sure” to a playdate, adding “great, I work until 9” just made me feel trapped a little.

I’m going to agree to it this one time, because DD will enjoy herself, but I won’t do it again.

Wow, trapped. LOL.

I just felt like it would be mean to say no at that point. It just felt like a bait and switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do...

I would assume a positive viewpoint and assume that this mom is trying the best for her child and feel bad that she has to work until 9. That must be so hard to try to balance everything. But I am a teacher and see so many parents just trying to make it day to day. Most parents would LOVE to not work those hours but are forced to in order to just skate by.

Should she have mentioned it originally? Of course. But it's very possible that in her list of priorities, that it slipped through.

Let the girls play and have dinner.

Then try to get to know the mom. See what her vibe is. If the girls get along, help out other times and make sure she knows that she is part of a community that helps and cares for each other.

Or you can just do what you are doing and judge her for needing help that day. That seems pretty consistent for the blessed DCUM community.

The part for me that shows OP was manipulated is this. You ABSOLUTELY mention to the parent of a play date that you can’t pick up your child until 9pm! How does this slip one’s mind? It doesn’t.

“Hello Jane! The girls have been talking about getting together. Is this OK with you? Just a heads up, I work until 9pm. Will it still work on your end?”

+1 it's fine to do a favor for someone. It's a nice thing actually. And can be win-win with kids getting to play and socialize. It's also okay to ask for a favor

It is not okay to misrepresent / spring it on someone. If someone asked if her kid could come to my house on a Wknd to play and then it turned out they'd be gone all day for XYZ plans. No way - that is a totally different situation. Whereas of they'd asked from the start "we need to do this on Saturday, and Larla would love to come over and see her friend, does that work" I would probably say fine.

Playdates are not a favor.

If driving the girl home and 9pm is not an option you just text back... can the grandma pick up at 7 if not we can do it another day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do...

I would assume a positive viewpoint and assume that this mom is trying the best for her child and feel bad that she has to work until 9. That must be so hard to try to balance everything. But I am a teacher and see so many parents just trying to make it day to day. Most parents would LOVE to not work those hours but are forced to in order to just skate by.

Should she have mentioned it originally? Of course. But it's very possible that in her list of priorities, that it slipped through.

Let the girls play and have dinner.

Then try to get to know the mom. See what her vibe is. If the girls get along, help out other times and make sure she knows that she is part of a community that helps and cares for each other.

Or you can just do what you are doing and judge her for needing help that day. That seems pretty consistent for the blessed DCUM community.

The part for me that shows OP was manipulated is this. You ABSOLUTELY mention to the parent of a play date that you can’t pick up your child until 9pm! How does this slip one’s mind? It doesn’t.

“Hello Jane! The girls have been talking about getting together. Is this OK with you? Just a heads up, I work until 9pm. Will it still work on your end?”

+1 it's fine to do a favor for someone. It's a nice thing actually. And can be win-win with kids getting to play and socialize. It's also okay to ask for a favor

It is not okay to misrepresent / spring it on someone. If someone asked if her kid could come to my house on a Wknd to play and then it turned out they'd be gone all day for XYZ plans. No way - that is a totally different situation. Whereas of they'd asked from the start "we need to do this on Saturday, and Larla would love to come over and see her friend, does that work" I would probably say fine.

This is how I felt, exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone.

I don’t necessarily think it was ill-intent, but the way she switched it up when I said “sure” to a playdate, adding “great, I work until 9” just made me feel trapped a little.

I’m going to agree to it this one time, because DD will enjoy herself, but I won’t do it again.

Wow, trapped. LOL.

I just felt like it would be mean to say no at that point. It just felt like a bait and switch.

No, you just say. Oh I was thinking 7pm and I can't drive her. If grandma can pick up at 7 that fine otherwise let's do another day.

Bait and switch...ffs, the girls planned this not the mom.

Geez, you are reading too much into this, you need to stop doing that in general in all parts of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would do...

I would assume a positive viewpoint and assume that this mom is trying the best for her child and feel bad that she has to work until 9. That must be so hard to try to balance everything. But I am a teacher and see so many parents just trying to make it day to day. Most parents would LOVE to not work those hours but are forced to in order to just skate by.

Should she have mentioned it originally? Of course. But it's very possible that in her list of priorities, that it slipped through.

Let the girls play and have dinner.

Then try to get to know the mom. See what her vibe is. If the girls get along, help out other times and make sure she knows that she is part of a community that helps and cares for each other.

Or you can just do what you are doing and judge her for needing help that day. That seems pretty consistent for the blessed DCUM community.

The part for me that shows OP was manipulated is this. You ABSOLUTELY mention to the parent of a play date that you can’t pick up your child until 9pm! How does this slip one’s mind? It doesn’t.

“Hello Jane! The girls have been talking about getting together. Is this OK with you? Just a heads up, I work until 9pm. Will it still work on your end?”

+1 it's fine to do a favor for someone. It's a nice thing actually. And can be win-win with kids getting to play and socialize. It's also okay to ask for a favor

It is not okay to misrepresent / spring it on someone. If someone asked if her kid could come to my house on a Wknd to play and then it turned out they'd be gone all day for XYZ plans. No way - that is a totally different situation. Whereas of they'd asked from the start "we need to do this on Saturday, and Larla would love to come over and see her friend, does that work" I would probably say fine.

Playdates are not a favor.

If driving the girl home and 9pm is not an option you just text back... can the grandma pick up at 7 if not we can do it another day.

I did ask this, and she more or less said it was hard for her mom to pick up after dark, then I felt bad. And she lives quite a ways away. The whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It’ll be a one shot.