Rules about dating (14 years old)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

Cringe of the year award!

Agreed. Every kid has something going on, even if it's resentment. "I'm so glad my parents controlled every aspect of my life!" Likely not.

I’m wondering on what the point of view of the kids is. Anecdotally, I know kids of very strict parents that can’t wait to leave home and barely show up for holidays. The controlling part can backfire spectacularly.

I also know plenty of kids who had lax parents who wish their parents had acted like their parents instead of friends and gotten in the way of their reckless adolescent impulses with boundaries and consequences. So I guess you just have to pick your poison as a parent and live with whatever trade offs come with it.

Or you find some sort of middle ground.

EXACTLY!! Communicate. Instead of my way or the highway, find ways everyone can be respected and happy. I would be naive to think kids aren't going to crush, text, hang out at or after school without my knowledge. I rather communicate and work together. Just like I say you can wear CERTAIN crop tops, but a bit longer and with more high waisted things. Instead of being no crop tops EVER!! Then I have the kid who sneaks clothes into school to change.

Sure. That works for crop tops. But what about substance use? What’s the middle ground for a kid who wants to smoke weed, pop adderall or drink underage?

The truth is, as a parent, not everything can or should be negotiable. And as a parent, it’s not your job to always make decisions that your kid is happy with. They have an immature, warped, adolescent mind. You, in theory, have an experienced, adult, wise mind. You should dilute your values and principles just to appease a mind that simply does not know better.

Who’s in charge? You or your kids? According to the law, it’s you.

Nah, your kids will drink and drive and get into an accident because they are too scared to call you

Calm down Police Officer Mommy Dearest

You didn’t answer the question. What is the compromise and middle ground for substance use that makes you the parent happy and the teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not allow it or encourage it. A 14-year-old is not in a position to "date" anyone. If they're a boy, they don't have the resources to take a girl out on dates and I'm certainly not footing the bill for his romantic life.

It's fine to like and have romantic feelings for someone, but I don't think it's healthy for kids at this age to have entangled, adult-like, exclusive relationships that come with all of the obligations and rollercoasters that come with engaging in those things. Not to mention the physical ramifications such as pregnancy and STDs.

I think I might not encourage it but would be tolerable of a 17 or 18 year old starting to do that stuff, but definitely not a 14 year old. They're an absolute mental and emotional mess and I've seen too many toxic and destructive boyfriend-girlfriend entanglements to encourage that for my kids at that age.

Checking the fuel lines on the helicopter I see… I think the goal is a relationship, no? There are stages to it you must go through. ‘Tolerable’ behavior at 17–18??!!! I hope this kid of yours isn’t a son for you to ‘marry’.

Ignore this enmeshed poster Op and go with your gut but I think a date on the town - yes funded by mommy dearest - is perfectly in order at 14.

Suit yourself. Other parents who went down the path you’re encouraging of letting their 14 year olds date have posted in this thread the harmful impacts and their regrets for not pulling back on it in hindsight. But you think I’m the enmeshed one?

Maybe if you were more concerned with being a parent instead of your kid’s friend, you wouldn’t be afraid of saying no or drawing a boundary now and again.

Permissive parents like you are doing yourself and your kids no favors.

Not permissive at all but realized long ago they have to be guided - and that includes explaining consequences without all the FUD you seem to be bringing. Your method is how to raise an odd-ball.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I allow my 14 year old to date. He has had the same girlfriend for 5 months. She's really nice. They go to movies, get food (fast food or ice cream), walk around outside, and sit at our house and watch TV. I am really glad he has someone nice to spend time with - he has some issues forming regular friendships due to ADHD, but seems to be doing a lot better behavior-wise with this girl, for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

I do not allow it or encourage it. A 14-year-old is not in a position to "date" anyone. If they're a boy, they don't have the resources to take a girl out on dates and I'm certainly not footing the bill for his romantic life.

This is a fairly sexist and dated way of looking at things. My son is 16. He usually pays for a date the first time he goes out with a girl, if he is the one that asked her (instead of vice versa). But not every single date afterwards. I don't think this is something that is done or expected in 2023.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I allow my 14 year old to date. He has had the same girlfriend for 5 months. She's really nice. They go to movies, get food (fast food or ice cream), walk around outside, and sit at our house and watch TV. I am really glad he has someone nice to spend time with - he has some issues forming regular friendships due to ADHD, but seems to be doing a lot better behavior-wise with this girl, for whatever reason.

I would perhaps allow this, but I would never allow them to be in the house alone and wouldn’t allow them to hang out anywhere in the house except common areas.

[Anonymous]

Mine started dating seriously at 15 (right after her birthday). Never alone in our house - they don’t hang out at his house. They do go out together sometimes but often there’s a lot of kids with them. Frequency of seeing each other outside of school depends on logistics because parents have to drive. So it’s maybe once a month. Recently my daughter got a regular babysitting gig right across the street from boyfriend and her employer does most of the transportation so they get to see each other a bit more than when summer first started.

I am comfortable with how they treat each other, I really like the boyfriend and they both have sports and other activities and friends so I don’t spend much time thinking about the time they spend together beyond potential pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I allow my 14 year old to date. He has had the same girlfriend for 5 months. She's really nice. They go to movies, get food (fast food or ice cream), walk around outside, and sit at our house and watch TV. I am really glad he has someone nice to spend time with - he has some issues forming regular friendships due to ADHD, but seems to be doing a lot better behavior-wise with this girl, for whatever reason.


I would perhaps allow this, but I would never allow them to be in the house alone and wouldn’t allow them to hang out anywhere in the house except common areas.

Yeah, that is our rule. Not sure what the rule is at her house, though. They mostly hang out here anyway, because we live in an area with a lot more to do.

[Anonymous]

Yet another thread where stupid parents think that kids need to experience verything before they're 18. Most 14 year olds aren't emotionally equipped to date anyone.
My soon to be 14 year old knows that dating is not an option.
You people are crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet another thread where stupid parents think that kids need to experience verything before they're 18. Most 14 year olds aren't emotionally equipped to date anyone.
My soon to be 14 year old knows that dating is not an option.
You people are crazy

The pro-teen dating parents are so committed to their delusions and they want to gaslight those of us who recognize that the emotional intensity of an exclusive romantic relationship is NOT something young teens should be dabbling in, into believing we’re the unreasonable ones.

The ramifications are serious if it goes wrong, as several parents have testified in this thread.

The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet is not of two star-crossed lovers, but that two 16-year-olds couldn’t see that some short-lived romance wasn’t the be-all, end-all affair worth killing yourselves over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

What? You established a rule that forbid your adult children from dating? Creepy.

Yup! Raising very responsible children with self respect and giving them time to grow up, get to know themselves, get to know people without the pressure of sex and dating AND get settled in college.

My job as a parent is to guide and protect my kids, so that they can be eventually be independent and successful. I am sure that not having sex at that young age will not kill them.

Really, getting children's WAP or WAD serviced should not be the goal or role of parents. That would be CREEPY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another thread where stupid parents think that kids need to experience verything before they're 18. Most 14 year olds aren't emotionally equipped to date anyone.
My soon to be 14 year old knows that dating is not an option.
You people are crazy

The pro-teen dating parents are so committed to their delusions and they want to gaslight those of us who recognize that the emotional intensity of an exclusive romantic relationship is NOT something young teens should be dabbling in, into believing we’re the unreasonable ones.

The ramifications are serious if it goes wrong, as several parents have testified in this thread.

The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet is not of two star-crossed lovers, but that two 16-year-olds couldn’t see that some short-lived romance wasn’t the be-all, end-all affair worth killing yourselves over.

Read it again, or, in your case, maybe watch the movie. Romeo and Juliet died trying to escape their crazy parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

Did your daughter go to Homeschool University in college, or do you have a vivid fantasy of what she was doing in college?

WTH is "UMC-adjacent lifestyle "?

That whole long post reads like fanfic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another thread where stupid parents think that kids need to experience verything before they're 18. Most 14 year olds aren't emotionally equipped to date anyone.
My soon to be 14 year old knows that dating is not an option.
You people are crazy

The pro-teen dating parents are so committed to their delusions and they want to gaslight those of us who recognize that the emotional intensity of an exclusive romantic relationship is NOT something young teens should be dabbling in, into believing we’re the unreasonable ones.

The ramifications are serious if it goes wrong, as several parents have testified in this thread.

The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet is not of two star-crossed lovers, but that two 16-year-olds couldn’t see that some short-lived romance wasn’t the be-all, end-all affair worth killing yourselves over.

Read it again, or, in your case, maybe watch the movie. Romeo and Juliet died trying to escape their crazy parents.

I guess how you interpret the morals from the play is a reflection of your values and perspective on adolescent love.

But the flawed folly of youth is a known and documented theme of the play: https://www.ipl.org/essay/Impulsiveness-Of-Youth-In-Romeo-And-Juliet-PCFJZBU4UYT

So I read the play just fine and know what I’m talking about. But anyway, you’re invested in your teens dating anyway so I guess you feel backed into a corner or something.

Good luck. Hopefully no one ends up pregnant or irretrievably heartbroken as you sponsor the adolescent romances under your watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

Did your daughter go to Homeschool University in college, or do you have a vivid fantasy of what she was doing in college?

WTH is "UMC-adjacent lifestyle "?

That whole long post reads like fanfic.

Nope. Undergrad and grad in cs. T5. Dated a lot and found her significant other in grad school.

UMC adjacent - Not a crazy high HHI for DCUM. But, due to some smart financial moves, could afford UMC things like vacations, tutors, big house, cars, debt free college etc,

Oh nooooo! Fanfic? Is abstinence really so hard for your horny teens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet another thread where stupid parents think that kids need to experience verything before they're 18. Most 14 year olds aren't emotionally equipped to date anyone.
My soon to be 14 year old knows that dating is not an option.
You people are crazy

The pro-teen dating parents are so committed to their delusions and they want to gaslight those of us who recognize that the emotional intensity of an exclusive romantic relationship is NOT something young teens should be dabbling in, into believing we’re the unreasonable ones.

The ramifications are serious if it goes wrong, as several parents have testified in this thread.

The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet is not of two star-crossed lovers, but that two 16-year-olds couldn’t see that some short-lived romance wasn’t the be-all, end-all affair worth killing yourselves over.

Read it again, or, in your case, maybe watch the movie. Romeo and Juliet died trying to escape their crazy parents.

Soooo accurate. And they completely missed that LOL