Rules about dating (14 years old)

[Anonymous]

I think there are legitimate reasons parents may feel kids are not old enough to date at 14 (e.g., emotional maturity), but this isn't it. I give my son an allowance. If he wants to spend it on taking his girlfriend for an occasional meal at Chipotle, vs. spending on something for himself, that's fine.


Ok. Good for you.

What a cogent and informative response. Thank you for elucidating your position - at the end of the day, it has made all of us a bit wiser.

[Anonymous]

Of course they aren't in the house alone!! Geeez. I support dating and if 14 is when it starts happening, that's fine. But they visit The Family. They have dinner with The Family. The Family includes them for an outing ... bowling, going to the movies. Sure, it's not what they want, it's not how they want to spend their time together --- but that's what it looks like at 14.

That's our house. That happens to be our house. Your house may vary (and if it varies too much, our DD/DS is not allowed over)

[Anonymous]

What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

I told my oldest to blame it all on me and how crazy strict we, her parents, are. It's a good way to weed out boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you allow it, keep strict supervision over them. It's not just sex or emotions, now. It's social media too.

My son was 14 and a brand new freshman when a girl asked for his snap and then they started "dating." She definitely was the person pushing the relationship to each new level. I knew he was not emotionally mature enough for any of this. But I took it as an opportunity to talk him through it, and to try to ensure he was being both respectful and safe. It only lasted a couple of months and I watched them like a hawk at my house. I had just gotten permission to go back to work after COVID, which I was dying to do. I hate working at home. But stayed home because of this new relationship of his. It only lasted a couple of months, and he broke up with her because they really had nothing in common. I walked him through that, too. No ghosting. Face to face. They are both great people but there really isn't much in common. Nobody's fault, etc.

She got really upset. And started spreading rumors on social media about him that were categorically untrue because I had been there almost every step of the way. They weren't horrific rumors, but they weren't true, and this social media revenge can be the new reality of relationships gone wrong.

Ick on the mama’s boy syndrome. The evil pursuant female against the poor innocent boy. Please stop on your cluelessness

Please take your issues somewhere else. Anyone with kids in this age ground knows girls are more mature than boys. I have been a woman far longer than I have been a mother and the takeaway here should be I kept an eye on my son like a hawk so he did nothing inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point is the HARD line. Being those parents who say absolutely not and then are clueless that your kids are going behind your back without your knowledge because you forced their hand. And now they don't have you to talk to about their crushes and potential innocent relationships. And then they get all of their advice online or with their friends or the people they are sneaking around with.

Unless your kid has no electronic device and doesn't go out with friends without you, there are always chances they are "dating" Not knowing makes it a lot less safer in my option. So I am not a hard line no type of mom. I listen to my kids and see what they have to say.

Why is it so difficult for you and others to understand that there are parents who have close, healthy relationships with their young teens? There are families who communicate. This fantasy of a 14 yo running amok with some secret sex life is absurd to those of us who actually talk to our kids daily. We look at them, we pay attention and we sure as shot notice when sonething's...off. This is the hard work of parenting: you don't give up in the home stretch. You teens need you more than ever BECAUSE they are not known for their good judgement and impulse control. Talk to your kiids, people , and LOOK at them when you do so.

Hard line moms like you treat an innocent crush and hanging out with a secret sex life? THAT is the problem and your teens know that. They know they can't talk to you because you are ridiculous. Sure you might THINK you communicate and they tell you the truth 24/7 on everything. You can have those wonderful thoughts.

The fact is most kids have crushes, hang out with kids of the opposite sex, and text/snap with the opposite sex, and see them in and after school every day and also on weekends at public places. They also decide sometimes that they have "boyfriends" and "girlfriends." But none of that is some secret sex life. Good God that is disturbing of you. It is the beginning stages of being attracted to others, flirting, learning to communicate, express feelings, and have butterflies in your stomach. All of that is completely normal for a 14yr old and you can't force your kids not to have those feelings.

And the fact that you think you are the better parent just shows how clueless you are. You don't communicate. You just set rules and they obey and you eye them up and get crazy if they seem off to you? ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

Omg wtf with these post. Okay grandma - not sure why you are the teen pages if your kids are all adults themselves. I am sure they were perfect and never lied. I bet they were only smart because they couldn't date until 2nd year of COLLEGE - 2 years into adulthood. Kudos perfect grandma. I bow before you.

[Anonymous]

The first thing that needs to go is all this spare time to wander about in malls, parks, etc. Your kid should be exhausted from their team sport practice or other forms of mental/physical enrichment. Bedrooms? You must be joking. Not happening open or closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Group date
Mall
Movies
Chipotle
HS football games
Dances
Haunted forest
Etc

The sometime hang at my house and I might run out to get food so they might be alone for a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My now rising sophomore had a boyfriend from February until a couple weeks ago, when he broke up with her via text while both were on vacation. She was 15 though and he was 14 turning 15 in march but both freshmen….Worst most horrible experience dealing with the emotional fallout from the break up and I wish I had done more to rein it in now in retrospect.

In our case, he was her close friend first. They hung out together as friends all the time leading up to dating and I didn’t have rules bc they were just friends, until they weren’t. It allowed them to get much too close too fast and they basically skipped all the awkward dating phases, and knew each other inside and out. So when he broke it off and then turned jerk right after that, it was honestly traumatizing for her. 15 year old boys especially are not mature enough to date.

And yes they had sex and often it was at his house despite his parents having all the rules mentioned here, and never leaving them alone, but apparently he’d watch their location from phone sharing….they also went on “dates” all the time, wore matching bracelets, had an “anniversary”, texted all day long the gushiest shit, and I really wish I had not let it play out like it did. I’m not sure I could have stopped it, but still… both of them seem damaged by the ending of it and I hate it.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that once kids this age have their first somewhat serious dating relationship (differentiating between some text only “dating” or barely holding hands in groups etc) they seem to continue to find new boyfriends or girlfriends easily after that. That’s the case with my daughter and all her friends, they either have no experience or are always coupled up. I think the attention is addicting, sadly.

This is horrifying on several levels. Your freshman DD was sleeping with her boyfriend and you're mildly regretful that you "let it play out like it did" even if you're "not sure I could have stopped it"??? You do understand that you're the parent here, right - you can stop all of it if you make an effort....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not allow it or encourage it. A 14-year-old is not in a position to "date" anyone. If they're a boy, they don't have the resources to take a girl out on dates and I'm certainly not footing the bill for his romantic life.

It's fine to like and have romantic feelings for someone, but I don't think it's healthy for kids at this age to have entangled, adult-like, exclusive relationships that come with all of the obligations and rollercoasters that come with engaging in those things. Not to mention the physical ramifications such as pregnancy and STDs.

I think I might not encourage it but would be tolerable of a 17 or 18 year old starting to do that stuff, but definitely not a 14 year old. They're an absolute mental and emotional mess and I've seen too many toxic and destructive boyfriend-girlfriend entanglements to encourage that for my kids at that age.

You seem oddly out of touch. You might not encourage it but you're not going to be able to do much to stop it.

I think you're oddly out of touch for believing as a parent that you lack the power to set expectations for your kids and to hold them to them. But hey, if you want to be held hostage to a 14-year-old, good luck.

It's not one or the other. I have set expectations and am certainly not held hostage. There is a degree of freedom I give my teen with each year. No 14 year old I know wants to go to a restaurant for a date. It's awkward and silly. They do want to hang out at the pool, park, etc which is totally fine and age appropriate. Perhaps unclench a little bit and set REALISTIC expectations.

Yeah, that's dating at this age. They aren't generally going to restaurants, movies etc unless it's as a group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

Cringe of the year award!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

Cringe of the year award!

Agreed. Every kid has something going on, even if it's resentment. "I'm so glad my parents controlled every aspect of my life!" Likely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 14yo and a college student, and I'm convinced that zero good comes from heavy-duty dating at the younger ages. My oldest had his first girlfriend at about 15yo but it was very limited - dates at the mall and school functions. That seemed fine; anything more is too much at that age.

IMO the emotional nonsense is at least as dangerous as the other stuff. I have a friend who went exclusive with her first boyfriend in MS until he dumped her at the beginning of her senior year of HS. It crushed her and left her crazy insecure and a train wreck with men for years. She still talks about this guy as the 'one who got away,' decades later.

this. emotional stuff is more dangerous than sexual stuff. break ups can be devastating for adults, and 14 year olds completely lack perspective. they think there will never be another person for them.

+1 One of my friends in high school attempted suicide when her boyfriend dumped her, and they were very chaste church kids who had not done anything under-the-clothes. Sex was not the problem, the relationship was the problem. She was just completely enmeshed and had this idea that this was her perfect person/soul mate/she was never going to love again. (She's fine now, lives abroad with her husband, had a lot of therapy after the fact.)

Kids' brains aren't set up to make good choices in stressful situations, and relationships (especially first time relationships) are very stressful. My rule is group hangs are great, having a crush is normal. You don't need a bf/gf, although if there's a dance you can have a "date" for that one-off occasion.