Reply to Rules about dating (14 years old)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
[b]What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?[/b]
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

[b]Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?[/b]
Nope.  My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well.  I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers.  My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

[b]Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends.  )?[/b]
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date.  No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups.  My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity. 
 
[b]Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college?  Are they nerds?[/b]
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent  lifestyle   etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends.  They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful.  Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not.  Big and small relationship heartaches also happened.  But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school.  They are nerdish but personable and social people.  All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

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Cringe of the year award![/quote]

Agreed.  Every kid has something going on, even if it's resentment.  "I'm so glad my parents controlled every aspect of my life!"  Likely not.

[/quote]

I’m wondering on what the point of view of the kids is. Anecdotally, I know kids of very strict parents that can’t wait to leave home and barely show up for holidays. The controlling part can backfire spectacularly.[/quote]

I also know plenty of kids who had lax parents who wish their parents had acted like their parents instead of friends and gotten in the way of their reckless adolescent impulses with boundaries and consequences. So I guess you just have to pick your poison as a parent and live with whatever trade offs come with it.[/quote]

Or you find some sort of middle ground.[/quote]

EXACTLY!!  Communicate.  Instead of my way or the highway, find ways everyone can be respected and happy.  I would be naive to think kids aren't going to crush, text, hang out at or after school without my knowledge.  I rather communicate and work together.  Just like I say you can wear CERTAIN crop tops, but a bit longer and with more high waisted things.  Instead of being no crop tops EVER!!  Then I have the kid who sneaks clothes into school to change. [/quote]

Sure. That works for crop tops. But what about substance use? What’s the middle ground for a kid who wants to smoke weed, pop adderall or drink underage?

The truth is, as a parent, not everything can or should be negotiable. And as a parent, it’s not your job to always make decisions that your kid is happy with. They have an immature, warped, adolescent mind. You, in theory, have an experienced, adult, wise mind. You should dilute your values and principles just to appease a mind that simply does not know better.

Who’s in charge? You or your kids? According to the law, it’s you.[/quote]

Nah, your kids will drink and drive and get into an accident because they are too scared to call you

Calm down Police Officer Mommy Dearest [/quote]

You didn’t answer the question. What is the compromise and middle ground for substance use that makes you the parent happy and the teen?

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