Rules about dating (14 years old)

[Anonymous]

They don't have the same group of friend, so it is not in a group. It's just two kids of the opposite sex hanging out together in a public place. Seems fine to me.


OK. Then it is NOT DATING.

What makes something DATING in your view, then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They don't have the same group of friend, so it is not in a group. It's just two kids of the opposite sex hanging out together in a public place. Seems fine to me.


OK. Then it is NOT DATING.

What makes something DATING in your view, then?

An exclusive, romantic relationship, where there are emotional and societal obligations and expectations attached to "boyfriend" and "girlfriend."

Teenagers who just go out to the movies, or Chick-Fil-A or hang out at the mall together aren't dating. They're just hanging out. Which is fine.

But teenagers who are exclusively dating, which means the boyfriend or girlfriend expects their partner to call or communicate at whatever cadence they deem to be affirming, who demand the person they're dating take precedence over friends or family and get jealous if you don't, or who are hellbent on PDA to mark their territory by always seeking to hold hands or post incessantly about their boyfriend/girlfriend on social are the kind of dating that I'm saying I don't want my young teen entangled in.

Again, I've seen it go horribly wrong too many times to act like it's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Teenagers who just go out to the movies, or Chick-Fil-A or hang out at the mall together aren't dating. They're just hanging out. Which is fine.

But teenagers who are exclusively dating, which means the boyfriend or girlfriend expects their partner to call or communicate at whatever cadence they deem to be affirming, who demand the person they're dating take precedence over friends or family and get jealous if you don't, or who are hellbent on PDA to mark their territory by always seeking to hold hands or post incessantly about their boyfriend/girlfriend on social are the kind of dating that I'm saying I don't want my young teen entangled in.

I honestly don't disagree with you that this isn't advisable for 14 year olds. But what I don't get is how, if you allow them to go to the movies or hang out, you can control what they are saying to each other or expecting or hoping for from each other. I don't think you can.

My son (14) happened to share that a girl who he has been going to movies and out to eat with, declared her love for him. I was super surprised, as was he. However, I never would have known this if he had not told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Teenagers who just go out to the movies, or Chick-Fil-A or hang out at the mall together aren't dating. They're just hanging out. Which is fine.

But teenagers who are exclusively dating, which means the boyfriend or girlfriend expects their partner to call or communicate at whatever cadence they deem to be affirming, who demand the person they're dating take precedence over friends or family and get jealous if you don't, or who are hellbent on PDA to mark their territory by always seeking to hold hands or post incessantly about their boyfriend/girlfriend on social are the kind of dating that I'm saying I don't want my young teen entangled in.

I honestly don't disagree with you that this isn't advisable for 14 year olds. But what I don't get is how, if you allow them to go to the movies or hang out, you can control what they are saying to each other or expecting or hoping for from each other. I don't think you can.

My son (14) happened to share that a girl who he has been going to movies and out to eat with, declared her love for him. I was super surprised, as was he. However, I never would have known this if he had not told me.

My strategy isn't about controlling what they do on those outings. It's about setting expectations and then setting boundaries on what I will and won't allow.

For all I know, they might be kissing and making out with some of the kids they're hanging out with. Fine. Whatever.

What I make clear I'm not interested in encouraging is the kind of exclusive, title anointment, where I encourage one of those friends to be elevated to boyfriend/girlfriend status, who my kid now prioritizes and elevates, which somehow trickles down to us.

So my strategy isn't controlling what they do on those outings, because as you point out, I can't. But it is in setting expectations, having frank discussions about what dating is and what is and isn't appropriate at this age, and then not encouraging that by elevating any one friend with a boyfriend or girlfriend title as some extended member of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They don't have the same group of friend, so it is not in a group. It's just two kids of the opposite sex hanging out together in a public place. Seems fine to me.


OK. Then it is NOT DATING.

What makes something DATING in your view, then?

An exclusive, romantic relationship, where there are emotional and societal obligations and expectations attached to "boyfriend" and "girlfriend."

Teenagers who just go out to the movies, or Chick-Fil-A or hang out at the mall together aren't dating. They're just hanging out. Which is fine.

But teenagers who are exclusively dating, which means the boyfriend or girlfriend expects their partner to call or communicate at whatever cadence they deem to be affirming, who demand the person they're dating take precedence over friends or family and get jealous if you don't, or who are hellbent on PDA to mark their territory by always seeking to hold hands or post incessantly about their boyfriend/girlfriend on social are the kind of dating that I'm saying I don't want my young teen entangled in.

Again, I've seen it go horribly wrong too many times to act like it's not a big deal.

It appears in your mind that an exclusive relationship can only be negative.

My 17 year old has been in an exclusive relationship for over a year. She still sees her friends, spends time with us as a family, keeps her grades up, and plays 3 sports for her high school. Does she spend a lot of time with her bf…yes but it has been a completely positive experience and she is learning what a positive healthy relationship looks and feels like. And no…they are not having sex yet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They don't have the same group of friend, so it is not in a group. It's just two kids of the opposite sex hanging out together in a public place. Seems fine to me.


OK. Then it is NOT DATING.

What makes something DATING in your view, then?

An exclusive, romantic relationship, where there are emotional and societal obligations and expectations attached to "boyfriend" and "girlfriend."

Teenagers who just go out to the movies, or Chick-Fil-A or hang out at the mall together aren't dating. They're just hanging out. Which is fine.

But teenagers who are exclusively dating, which means the boyfriend or girlfriend expects their partner to call or communicate at whatever cadence they deem to be affirming, who demand the person they're dating take precedence over friends or family and get jealous if you don't, or who are hellbent on PDA to mark their territory by always seeking to hold hands or post incessantly about their boyfriend/girlfriend on social are the kind of dating that I'm saying I don't want my young teen entangled in.

Again, I've seen it go horribly wrong too many times to act like it's not a big deal.

It appears in your mind that an exclusive relationship can only be negative.

My 17 year old has been in an exclusive relationship for over a year. She still sees her friends, spends time with us as a family, keeps her grades up, and plays 3 sports for her high school. Does she spend a lot of time with her bf…yes but it has been a completely positive experience and she is learning what a positive healthy relationship looks and feels like. And no…they are not having sex yet

HUGE difference between a 17 yo and 14yos.

[Anonymous]

She was 16 when they started dating. For those opposed to dating what age do you think it is okay to start

Our rule was no dating until high school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They don't have the same group of friend, so it is not in a group. It's just two kids of the opposite sex hanging out together in a public place. Seems fine to me.


OK. Then it is NOT DATING.

What makes something DATING in your view, then?

An exclusive, romantic relationship, where there are emotional and societal obligations and expectations attached to "boyfriend" and "girlfriend."

Teenagers who just go out to the movies, or Chick-Fil-A or hang out at the mall together aren't dating. They're just hanging out. Which is fine.

But teenagers who are exclusively dating, which means the boyfriend or girlfriend expects their partner to call or communicate at whatever cadence they deem to be affirming, who demand the person they're dating take precedence over friends or family and get jealous if you don't, or who are hellbent on PDA to mark their territory by always seeking to hold hands or post incessantly about their boyfriend/girlfriend on social are the kind of dating that I'm saying I don't want my young teen entangled in.

Again, I've seen it go horribly wrong too many times to act like it's not a big deal.

It appears in your mind that an exclusive relationship can only be negative.

My 17 year old has been in an exclusive relationship for over a year. She still sees her friends, spends time with us as a family, keeps her grades up, and plays 3 sports for her high school. Does she spend a lot of time with her bf…yes but it has been a completely positive experience and she is learning what a positive healthy relationship looks and feels like. And no…they are not having sex yet

I already said I'd be more receptive to this kind of arrangement at 17 or 18. The OP was talking about a 14 year old, which was the focus of my POV.

I think the scenario you described is possible at 17, but not as possible at 14. Have you met most 14 year olds? They can be awful.

[Anonymous]

I was a bit of a prude but I had exclusive (Ok, sometimes overlapping) romantic relationships starting at 14. They got more intense emotionally (and some physically) as I got older. Activities were a lot of time on the phone, hanging out as groups (I tended to date people i was already in activities with), 1:1 dates in public places, and the occasional hanging-out-in-the-basement-when-the-parents-were-home dates.

I can't imagine blocking this, outside of talking about emotional and sexual safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I would allow them to hang out alone at home. I have a 14 year old boy who isn't interested in dating at all yet, but if he were, I'd only allow it in groups or with me at home

My 16 yo isn’t interested in this. If he was at 14 the answer would be no.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't disagree with you that this isn't advisable for 14 year olds. But what I don't get is how, if you allow them to go to the movies or hang out, you can control what they are saying to each other or expecting or hoping for from each other. I don't think you can.

My son (14) happened to share that a girl who he has been going to movies and out to eat with, declared her love for him. I was super surprised, as was he. However, I never would have known this if he had not told me.


My strategy isn't about controlling what they do on those outings. It's about setting expectations and then setting boundaries on what I will and won't allow.

For all I know, they might be kissing and making out with some of the kids they're hanging out with. Fine. Whatever.

What I make clear I'm not interested in encouraging is the kind of exclusive, title anointment, where I encourage one of those friends to be elevated to boyfriend/girlfriend status, who my kid now prioritizes and elevates, which somehow trickles down to us.

So my strategy isn't controlling what they do on those outings, because as you point out, I can't. But it is in setting expectations, having frank discussions about what dating is and what is and isn't appropriate at this age, and then not encouraging that by elevating any one friend with a boyfriend or girlfriend title as some extended member of the family

I think we are basically in agreement, if by "allow" you mean what you will allow when in your home and in the context of family dealings (e.g., not referring to the person as a girlfriend or boyfriend or changing family or personal plans to accommodate that person in a way that you would not for another friends)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I honestly don't disagree with you that this isn't advisable for 14 year olds. But what I don't get is how, if you allow them to go to the movies or hang out, you can control what they are saying to each other or expecting or hoping for from each other. I don't think you can.

My son (14) happened to share that a girl who he has been going to movies and out to eat with, declared her love for him. I was super surprised, as was he. However, I never would have known this if he had not told me.


My strategy isn't about controlling what they do on those outings. It's about setting expectations and then setting boundaries on what I will and won't allow.

For all I know, they might be kissing and making out with some of the kids they're hanging out with. Fine. Whatever.

What I make clear I'm not interested in encouraging is the kind of exclusive, title anointment, where I encourage one of those friends to be elevated to boyfriend/girlfriend status, who my kid now prioritizes and elevates, which somehow trickles down to us.

So my strategy isn't controlling what they do on those outings, because as you point out, I can't. But it is in setting expectations, having frank discussions about what dating is and what is and isn't appropriate at this age, and then not encouraging that by elevating any one friend with a boyfriend or girlfriend title as some extended member of the family

I think we are basically in agreement, if by "allow" you mean what you will allow when in your home and in the context of family dealings (e.g., not referring to the person as a girlfriend or boyfriend or changing family or personal plans to accommodate that person in a way that you would not for another friends)

Correct! That's exactly what I mean by "allow."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I allow my 14 year old to date. He has had the same girlfriend for 5 months. She's really nice. They go to movies, get food (fast food or ice cream), walk around outside, and sit at our house and watch TV. I am really glad he has someone nice to spend time with - he has some issues forming regular friendships due to ADHD, but seems to be doing a lot better behavior-wise with this girl, for whatever reason.

This is us w our DD. Nice BF and family. Most activities out of house. Never ever alone in the house or closed doors. Family room or Rec room only. Meals with the family. This arrangement has allowed us to get to know him a bit which we prefer.

Some of DDs friends say to parents they are going out with other girls and they actually do meet up with them but then they also meet up with boys while with them (and peel off) unbeknownst to their parents. This happens a lot. My DD tells me. Beware also that sometimes the substitute for a BF is one time hook ups that have their own emotional consequences. Insisting on no boys until later is fine and understandable too. This is working for us.

[Anonymous]

The funniest part of this entire thread is the holier than thou parents who are probably clueless that their "I am not interested anyway" kids are sexting, snapping pics, looking at porn, and have text relationships. All you are doing is making it all digital. Sitting at home safe where you can control them and think they are perfect little teens.

Very healthy!!! lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The funniest part of this entire thread is the holier than thou parents who are probably clueless that their "I am not interested anyway" kids are sexting, snapping pics, looking at porn, and have text relationships. All you are doing is making it all digital. Sitting at home safe where you can control them and think they are perfect little teens.

Very healthy!!! lol

There is something very wrong with you.