Rules about dating (14 years old)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My now rising sophomore had a boyfriend from February until a couple weeks ago, when he broke up with her via text while both were on vacation. She was 15 though and he was 14 turning 15 in march but both freshmen….Worst most horrible experience dealing with the emotional fallout from the break up and I wish I had done more to rein it in now in retrospect.

In our case, he was her close friend first. They hung out together as friends all the time leading up to dating and I didn’t have rules bc they were just friends, until they weren’t. It allowed them to get much too close too fast and they basically skipped all the awkward dating phases, and knew each other inside and out. So when he broke it off and then turned jerk right after that, it was honestly traumatizing for her. 15 year old boys especially are not mature enough to date.

And yes they had sex and often it was at his house despite his parents having all the rules mentioned here, and never leaving them alone, but apparently he’d watch their location from phone sharing….they also went on “dates” all the time, wore matching bracelets, had an “anniversary”, texted all day long the gushiest shit, and I really wish I had not let it play out like it did. I’m not sure I could have stopped it, but still… both of them seem damaged by the ending of it and I hate it.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that once kids this age have their first somewhat serious dating relationship (differentiating between some text only “dating” or barely holding hands in groups etc) they seem to continue to find new boyfriends or girlfriends easily after that. That’s the case with my daughter and all her friends, they either have no experience or are always coupled up. I think the attention is addicting, sadly.

This is horrifying on several levels. Your freshman DD was sleeping with her boyfriend and you're mildly regretful that you "let it play out like it did" even if you're "not sure I could have stopped it"??? You do understand that you're the parent here, right - you can stop all of it if you make an effort....

Not that parent, but one who keeps a tight rein on my son. Check location, supervise, check social media, check phones, etc. There were zero girls in the picture anywhere at 14, other than occasionally flirting with groups of girls at Rio. I let my son spend the night over his male friend's house one night. A male friend with a super strict parent, who I knew. And the boys snuck girls in and had sex. One night stands, never to be seen again. We can't control it all. I have a good relationship with my son and he told me. After the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

Cringe of the year award!

Agreed. Every kid has something going on, even if it's resentment. "I'm so glad my parents controlled every aspect of my life!" Likely not.

I’m wondering on what the point of view of the kids is. Anecdotally, I know kids of very strict parents that can’t wait to leave home and barely show up for holidays. The controlling part can backfire spectacularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 14yo and a college student, and I'm convinced that zero good comes from heavy-duty dating at the younger ages. My oldest had his first girlfriend at about 15yo but it was very limited - dates at the mall and school functions. That seemed fine; anything more is too much at that age.

IMO the emotional nonsense is at least as dangerous as the other stuff. I have a friend who went exclusive with her first boyfriend in MS until he dumped her at the beginning of her senior year of HS. It crushed her and left her crazy insecure and a train wreck with men for years. She still talks about this guy as the 'one who got away,' decades later.

this. emotional stuff is more dangerous than sexual stuff. break ups can be devastating for adults, and 14 year olds completely lack perspective. they think there will never be another person for them.

+1 One of my friends in high school attempted suicide when her boyfriend dumped her, and they were very chaste church kids who had not done anything under-the-clothes. Sex was not the problem, the relationship was the problem. She was just completely enmeshed and had this idea that this was her perfect person/soul mate/she was never going to love again. (She's fine now, lives abroad with her husband, had a lot of therapy after the fact.)

Kids' brains aren't set up to make good choices in stressful situations, and relationships (especially first time relationships) are very stressful. My rule is group hangs are great, having a crush is normal. You don't need a bf/gf, although if there's a dance you can have a "date" for that one-off occasion.

Kids/teens of all ages break-up every day without trying to commit suicide

Adults break up and sometimes kill the other person, their own kids, or try to kill themselves

Your post literally means nothing but that you have a strong opinion in your head and are projecting it onto your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hung out with my boyfriend alone at 14. Guess what happened. YMMV.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

What? You established a rule that forbid your adult children from dating? Creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

Cringe of the year award!

Agreed. Every kid has something going on, even if it's resentment. "I'm so glad my parents controlled every aspect of my life!" Likely not.

I’m wondering on what the point of view of the kids is. Anecdotally, I know kids of very strict parents that can’t wait to leave home and barely show up for holidays. The controlling part can backfire spectacularly.

I also know plenty of kids who had lax parents who wish their parents had acted like their parents instead of friends and gotten in the way of their reckless adolescent impulses with boundaries and consequences. So I guess you just have to pick your poison as a parent and live with whatever trade offs come with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

Cringe of the year award!

Agreed. Every kid has something going on, even if it's resentment. "I'm so glad my parents controlled every aspect of my life!" Likely not.

I’m wondering on what the point of view of the kids is. Anecdotally, I know kids of very strict parents that can’t wait to leave home and barely show up for holidays. The controlling part can backfire spectacularly.

I also know plenty of kids who had lax parents who wish their parents had acted like their parents instead of friends and gotten in the way of their reckless adolescent impulses with boundaries and consequences. So I guess you just have to pick your poison as a parent and live with whatever trade offs come with it.

Or you find some sort of middle ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

What? You established a rule that forbid your adult children from dating? Creepy.

I wonder if these parents know Jim Bob and Michelle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

Cringe of the year award!

Agreed. Every kid has something going on, even if it's resentment. "I'm so glad my parents controlled every aspect of my life!" Likely not.

I’m wondering on what the point of view of the kids is. Anecdotally, I know kids of very strict parents that can’t wait to leave home and barely show up for holidays. The controlling part can backfire spectacularly.

I also know plenty of kids who had lax parents who wish their parents had acted like their parents instead of friends and gotten in the way of their reckless adolescent impulses with boundaries and consequences. So I guess you just have to pick your poison as a parent and live with whatever trade offs come with it.

Or you find some sort of middle ground.

EXACTLY!! Communicate. Instead of my way or the highway, find ways everyone can be respected and happy. I would be naive to think kids aren't going to crush, text, hang out at or after school without my knowledge. I rather communicate and work together. Just like I say you can wear CERTAIN crop tops, but a bit longer and with more high waisted things. Instead of being no crop tops EVER!! Then I have the kid who sneaks clothes into school to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My now rising sophomore had a boyfriend from February until a couple weeks ago, when he broke up with her via text while both were on vacation. She was 15 though and he was 14 turning 15 in march but both freshmen….Worst most horrible experience dealing with the emotional fallout from the break up and I wish I had done more to rein it in now in retrospect.

In our case, he was her close friend first. They hung out together as friends all the time leading up to dating and I didn’t have rules bc they were just friends, until they weren’t. It allowed them to get much too close too fast and they basically skipped all the awkward dating phases, and knew each other inside and out. So when he broke it off and then turned jerk right after that, it was honestly traumatizing for her. 15 year old boys especially are not mature enough to date.

And yes they had sex and often it was at his house despite his parents having all the rules mentioned here, and never leaving them alone, but apparently he’d watch their location from phone sharing….they also went on “dates” all the time, wore matching bracelets, had an “anniversary”, texted all day long the gushiest shit, and I really wish I had not let it play out like it did. I’m not sure I could have stopped it, but still… both of them seem damaged by the ending of it and I hate it.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that once kids this age have their first somewhat serious dating relationship (differentiating between some text only “dating” or barely holding hands in groups etc) they seem to continue to find new boyfriends or girlfriends easily after that. That’s the case with my daughter and all her friends, they either have no experience or are always coupled up. I think the attention is addicting, sadly.

This is horrifying on several levels. Your freshman DD was sleeping with her boyfriend and you're mildly regretful that you "let it play out like it did" even if you're "not sure I could have stopped it"??? You do understand that you're the parent here, right - you can stop all of it if you make an effort....

Not that parent, but one who keeps a tight rein on my son. Check location, supervise, check social media, check phones, etc. There were zero girls in the picture anywhere at 14, other than occasionally flirting with groups of girls at Rio. I let my son spend the night over his male friend's house one night. A male friend with a super strict parent, who I knew. And the boys snuck girls in and had sex. One night stands, never to be seen again. We can't control it all. I have a good relationship with my son and he told me. After the fact.

How do you know this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 14yo and a college student, and I'm convinced that zero good comes from heavy-duty dating at the younger ages. My oldest had his first girlfriend at about 15yo but it was very limited - dates at the mall and school functions. That seemed fine; anything more is too much at that age.

IMO the emotional nonsense is at least as dangerous as the other stuff. I have a friend who went exclusive with her first boyfriend in MS until he dumped her at the beginning of her senior year of HS. It crushed her and left her crazy insecure and a train wreck with men for years. She still talks about this guy as the 'one who got away,' decades later.

this. emotional stuff is more dangerous than sexual stuff. break ups can be devastating for adults, and 14 year olds completely lack perspective. they think there will never be another person for them.

+1 One of my friends in high school attempted suicide when her boyfriend dumped her, and they were very chaste church kids who had not done anything under-the-clothes. Sex was not the problem, the relationship was the problem. She was just completely enmeshed and had this idea that this was her perfect person/soul mate/she was never going to love again. (She's fine now, lives abroad with her husband, had a lot of therapy after the fact.)

Kids' brains aren't set up to make good choices in stressful situations, and relationships (especially first time relationships) are very stressful. My rule is group hangs are great, having a crush is normal. You don't need a bf/gf, although if there's a dance you can have a "date" for that one-off occasion.

Kids/teens of all ages break-up every day without trying to commit suicide

Adults break up and sometimes kill the other person, their own kids, or try to kill themselves

Your post literally means nothing but that you have a strong opinion in your head and are projecting it onto your kids.

You seem mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

Cringe of the year award!

Agreed. Every kid has something going on, even if it's resentment. "I'm so glad my parents controlled every aspect of my life!" Likely not.

I’m wondering on what the point of view of the kids is. Anecdotally, I know kids of very strict parents that can’t wait to leave home and barely show up for holidays. The controlling part can backfire spectacularly.

I also know plenty of kids who had lax parents who wish their parents had acted like their parents instead of friends and gotten in the way of their reckless adolescent impulses with boundaries and consequences. So I guess you just have to pick your poison as a parent and live with whatever trade offs come with it.

Or you find some sort of middle ground.

EXACTLY!! Communicate. Instead of my way or the highway, find ways everyone can be respected and happy. I would be naive to think kids aren't going to crush, text, hang out at or after school without my knowledge. I rather communicate and work together. Just like I say you can wear CERTAIN crop tops, but a bit longer and with more high waisted things. Instead of being no crop tops EVER!! Then I have the kid who sneaks clothes into school to change.

Sure. That works for crop tops. But what about substance use? What’s the middle ground for a kid who wants to smoke weed, pop adderall or drink underage?

The truth is, as a parent, not everything can or should be negotiable. And as a parent, it’s not your job to always make decisions that your kid is happy with. They have an immature, warped, adolescent mind. You, in theory, have an experienced, adult, wise mind. You should dilute your values and principles just to appease a mind that simply does not know better.

Who’s in charge? You or your kids? According to the law, it’s you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not allow it or encourage it. A 14-year-old is not in a position to "date" anyone. If they're a boy, they don't have the resources to take a girl out on dates and I'm certainly not footing the bill for his romantic life.

It's fine to like and have romantic feelings for someone, but I don't think it's healthy for kids at this age to have entangled, adult-like, exclusive relationships that come with all of the obligations and rollercoasters that come with engaging in those things. Not to mention the physical ramifications such as pregnancy and STDs.

I think I might not encourage it but would be tolerable of a 17 or 18 year old starting to do that stuff, but definitely not a 14 year old. They're an absolute mental and emotional mess and I've seen too many toxic and destructive boyfriend-girlfriend entanglements to encourage that for my kids at that age.

Checking the fuel lines on the helicopter I see… I think the goal is a relationship, no? There are stages to it you must go through. ‘Tolerable’ behavior at 17–18??!!! I hope this kid of yours isn’t a son for you to ‘marry’.

Ignore this enmeshed poster Op and go with your gut but I think a date on the town - yes funded by mommy dearest - is perfectly in order at 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not allow it or encourage it. A 14-year-old is not in a position to "date" anyone. If they're a boy, they don't have the resources to take a girl out on dates and I'm certainly not footing the bill for his romantic life.

It's fine to like and have romantic feelings for someone, but I don't think it's healthy for kids at this age to have entangled, adult-like, exclusive relationships that come with all of the obligations and rollercoasters that come with engaging in those things. Not to mention the physical ramifications such as pregnancy and STDs.

I think I might not encourage it but would be tolerable of a 17 or 18 year old starting to do that stuff, but definitely not a 14 year old. They're an absolute mental and emotional mess and I've seen too many toxic and destructive boyfriend-girlfriend entanglements to encourage that for my kids at that age.

Checking the fuel lines on the helicopter I see… I think the goal is a relationship, no? There are stages to it you must go through. ‘Tolerable’ behavior at 17–18??!!! I hope this kid of yours isn’t a son for you to ‘marry’.

Ignore this enmeshed poster Op and go with your gut but I think a date on the town - yes funded by mommy dearest - is perfectly in order at 14.

Suit yourself. Other parents who went down the path you’re encouraging of letting their 14 year olds date have posted in this thread the harmful impacts and their regrets for not pulling back on it in hindsight. But you think I’m the enmeshed one?

Maybe if you were more concerned with being a parent instead of your kid’s friend, you wouldn’t be afraid of saying no or drawing a boundary now and again.

Permissive parents like you are doing yourself and your kids no favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What are your family's rules about dating for this age group?
Our family rule was NO DATING until they were in 2nd year of college and at least 19 years old. They were encouraged to paint us as super strict parents to get out of all kinds of peer pressure and uncomfortable situations. A boy who was interested in my DD in school, asked her friend to be his girlfriend in less than 15 minutes once my DD told him that we were very strict. My DD was amused how quickly he found a substitute. Good lesson for her.

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home?
Nope. My kids were not allowed to be alone at anyone's (opposite sex) home when no adults were home and I had to know the parents well. I was the parent who was giving rides to kids, I was the mom who chaperoned, travelled with the team and we were hosting all the time be it group projects, school pickups, celebrations, hosting parents, food, snacks and sleepovers. My kids were taught to not even go to a teacher or coach alone. They had to have a second person with them. They were also taught to look out for their friends and move in a pack.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends. )?
Nope. My kids were in a number of activities and they usually had several groups. They were very busy with EC and achieving at a high level. They learned to have fun with these friends and be inclusive. which meant that all the usual high school events like home coming, prom etc, my kids organized and went as a group, No need to have a prom date. No one was left behind and no one was pressured for dating or hookups. My kids had an amazing K-12 experience. Also, no social media. That saved their sanity.

Did our conservative guidance from K-12 depress or anger our kids? Did they become social outcasts? Did they rebel in college? Are they nerds?
Nope. Mainly because we were wish fulfilling in other ways - loving family, frank communication, creating a vibrant social network of family and friends for them, giving them a sense of purpose, having a close knit and functional family, the privilege of a UMC-adjacent lifestyle etc.

My kids loved being high achievers and loved the accolades, praise and approval of others for their achievements. It drove them to do better and yet, they were not lonely in terms of family or friends. They found our teachings and rules served them well and weeded out the toxic or high drama people. This meant that they continued to feel pride in their own achievements, continued to have high standards for the people they wanted to be with, were friendly with many people and grew their friends circle.

They met and dated many people in college but they dated respectfully. They learned to protect themselves, their reputation and learned to be tactful. Did it prevent heartaches? Of course not. Big and small relationship heartaches also happened. But, in the end they found their significant others in grad school. They are nerdish but personable and social people. All of this happened without they disappointing us and vice versa.

Cringe of the year award!

Agreed. Every kid has something going on, even if it's resentment. "I'm so glad my parents controlled every aspect of my life!" Likely not.

I’m wondering on what the point of view of the kids is. Anecdotally, I know kids of very strict parents that can’t wait to leave home and barely show up for holidays. The controlling part can backfire spectacularly.

I also know plenty of kids who had lax parents who wish their parents had acted like their parents instead of friends and gotten in the way of their reckless adolescent impulses with boundaries and consequences. So I guess you just have to pick your poison as a parent and live with whatever trade offs come with it.

Or you find some sort of middle ground.

EXACTLY!! Communicate. Instead of my way or the highway, find ways everyone can be respected and happy. I would be naive to think kids aren't going to crush, text, hang out at or after school without my knowledge. I rather communicate and work together. Just like I say you can wear CERTAIN crop tops, but a bit longer and with more high waisted things. Instead of being no crop tops EVER!! Then I have the kid who sneaks clothes into school to change.

Sure. That works for crop tops. But what about substance use? What’s the middle ground for a kid who wants to smoke weed, pop adderall or drink underage?

The truth is, as a parent, not everything can or should be negotiable. And as a parent, it’s not your job to always make decisions that your kid is happy with. They have an immature, warped, adolescent mind. You, in theory, have an experienced, adult, wise mind. You should dilute your values and principles just to appease a mind that simply does not know better.

Who’s in charge? You or your kids? According to the law, it’s you.

Nah, your kids will drink and drive and get into an accident because they are too scared to call you

Calm down Police Officer Mommy Dearest