H claims that I abuse him emotionally, whereas I think it is the other way around

[Anonymous]

Fake post. An alleged lawyer (with her own firm and employees) who earns $200k can't figure this out to the point of posting insipid comments on DCUM? Not real.

[Anonymous]

There is definitely an old school mode of thinking that would be “ok, he makes a ton of money that buys you a luxury lifestyle and he’s only around three nights a week. Stay out of his hair the nights he is home and enjoy your life otherwise.”

I usually disagree with the above but honestly I don’t see what OP wins in a divorce. She would have less custody of her daughter and less money. It looks like it is feasible to just avoid her husband in their big house while he is home. Let him explode the microwave, like everyone else says. Let him work out his relationship with his daughter. If they’re divorced that’s what would happen anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fake post. An alleged lawyer (with her own firm and employees) who earns $200k can't figure this out to the point of posting insipid comments on DCUM? Not real.

OP here. This is a psychological issue, not a legal issue. I don't see why I cannot have such problems (it would be nice).

[Anonymous]

What she wins? Maybe some personal happiness, either alone or with someone else.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to live in a split house with a meth addict, or a rabid dog, or any certain politicians. I don't think drywall is enough of a separation to make me feel safe.

Maybe you and/or OP make a different calculation. Fair enough. I'd be looking forward to forgetting about him for long spells, though, and that's not happening when he is right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is definitely an old school mode of thinking that would be “ok, he makes a ton of money that buys you a luxury lifestyle and he’s only around three nights a week. Stay out of his hair the nights he is home and enjoy your life otherwise.”

I usually disagree with the above but honestly I don’t see what OP wins in a divorce. She would have less custody of her daughter and less money. It looks like it is feasible to just avoid her husband in their big house while he is home. Let him explode the microwave, like everyone else says. Let him work out his relationship with his daughter. If they’re divorced that’s what would happen anyway.

This is my post and I just saw that OP’s DH is a cheater too and on top of the other behavior it’s just a bridge too far. I recant the above. If he were just a difficult personality and she were dealing with him a few nights a week it would be worth figuring out how to manage. But with cheating in the equation it’s totally different, in my opinion. He could be exposing her to disease and getting ready to dump her at any time.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he doesn’t already have another woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please give me advice, I am very stressed out.

My situation is similar to the poster who wrote about her $600k household income, where her husband claims to be the sole provider.

My H earns $600k, I earn around $200k.

We have a 10-year old daughter. We own a beautiful home together in an expensive area. All three of us love the house.

My H often says things like, even in front of our daughter:
"You are expendable, I could finance this house on my own, I don't need you."
"You only earn 25% of the household income, so I get to make the decisions."
"Go spend the weekend at the office so that I can enjoy the house alone."

For the record, I never say anything even remotely like this to him.

He works three hours away, so he comes home only on the weekends. This means that I do absolutely everything related to the child, the house, our finances, taxes, insurances, organizing social life, errands, etc. He has not opened an envelope in the past 17 years since we have been together. When he comes home on the weekends, he is tired and can hardly be bothered even to spend a little time with our kid. She adores him, however, and I never speak badly about him to her.

He berates me for not earning more, and says that he wants completely separate finances.

At every minor argument he explodes and threatens to move out.
For example:
Our daughter is starting a new school, and drop-off for the first day of orientation was to begin at 8:30 a.m. He told me to get to school at 8, so that we "can mingle with the other families". I tried to tell him that parents are not even supposed to get out of the car. He interrupted me, saying "listen to me for once in your life". I replied in a quiet tone that he could leave out the "once in your life". His reaction, almost verbatim: "I am sick of you belittling me all the time, of you posturing about knowing everything better than me. I want to move out. I cannot stand you as a person. You are emotionally abusive to me."

Another example:
He tried to cook something with our daughter (he is new to cooking). I encourage this as a bonding time. He told me to leave the kitchen, because this was to be his special time with her, and that he doesn't want my interference. He was looking for sour cream in the fridge. When I gave him the crème fraiche, he says that he doesn't use cow products anymore because they cause cancer. When I replied that this preference of his is new to me, and that humans have used dairy for millions of years, he said that he doesn't even want to spend any more time together, that he is tired of my constant quarrelling, that I am just like my mother and my sister (whom he hasn't seen for 10 years). Then he stormed out of the kitchen. I begged him to come back, to continue cooking with our daughter. I promised that I wouldn't say anything anymore.

A third example: he wanted to warm up a piece of salmon wrapped in foil in the microwave. He was about to push the start button when I realized what he is doing, so, not having time to explain it to him, I pushed his hand away to stop the microwave. He exploded, calling this abuse, saying that he can barely look at me anymore, that he doesn't want me around, etc.

The problem is that even if he we divorced, as long as we have to communicate regarding our daughter, such explosions are bound to happen. So a divorce would not solve my problems. I am trying to keep communication with him to a minimum, but I am not sure I can stick it out for eight more years.

I know that we are not providing the image of a healthy relationship to our daughter. But I think it would be worse if we divorce. As I mentioned before, all three of us adore the house and do not want to sell it. There is a guest apartment in the house. I fantasize about spending the weekends there, so that I avoid conflicts with him. But why should I sacrifice my weekends with my daughter? I spend the workdays at the office just as he does.

Because of the guest apartment the house could even be used as two dwellings. It would be completely doable to split it up and each of use use a comparatively equal space. But separate dwellings would not make us avoid communication (read conflict) concerning our daughter.

He rejects the idea of couples' therapy.

Please do not tell me that I should find a more worthy man. The conflicts with H would still not go away. H would still remain the father of our daughter, and she would continue to be torn between us.

I would be grateful for any constructive ideas. Thanks in advance.

JFC. If your assessment is completely accurate, then just get a divorce. Stop retelling and/or hoping for change and just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fake post. An alleged lawyer (with her own firm and employees) who earns $200k can't figure this out to the point of posting insipid comments on DCUM? Not real.

You’d be surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another issue that I have is that him valuing only monetary contribution to a marriage instills the wrong values in our daughter. He completely ignores the fact that I take care of absolutely everything concerning childcare, household, finances, etc. For example I pick up our daughter at 3 pm every day.

I really don't think that I should stay at the office until 7 pm to the detriment of our child, if we don't need it financially, just to prove a point. He is very mad about this attitude and ignores my work as a mother. Of course, he is not even present during the week.

My daughter is too young, but at some point I will explain to her that there is a lot of value in all the other work that a parent does.

The irony is that H had a stay-at-home mom and a live-in grandma. I, on the other hand, do everything that his mom and grandma did, on top of that what his father would do around the house and with the finances/paperwork, plus I work as a lawyer in my own firm (I have three employees).

We are surrounded by families with stay-at-home moms who are treated with respect and love by their husbands.

I personally do not know any other woman who earns $200k, except for big law partners. And it is still not enough. Sometimes I don't even know what to tell him, I just feel like crying.

OP, you are an amazing and competent woman. My advice would be to stop brainstorming things to say to him or coaching your daughter on how to talk to him. Stop trying to fix him. I would consult with a lawyer about how you can potentially separate from him and maximize your time with your daughter and have his time with her and you be minimized. This sounds like a truly atrocious living situation and I’m sorry. I know you said not to just say divorce him, as you think arguments will remain the same but at least you would have some distance between you— I think at least consulting with a lawyer could be of use to see how much of your fears about divorce are a reality and what there may actually be a solution to.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have made earning money the focus of your marriage. You are reaping what you are sowing. Stop focusing so much on who earns what. Tell your husband let's stop focusing on income as long as the bills are getting paid it doesn't matter who earns what. Stop focusing on money. Stop focusing on your pride. Focus on enjoying your home, your child. As long as you make salary the foundation of your marriage, it will slowly destroy your marriage.

You two are supposed to be a team.

No one cares about your money except you, OP.

[Anonymous]

dialectical behavioral therapy. www.insteppc.com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fake post. An alleged lawyer (with her own firm and employees) who earns $200k can't figure this out to the point of posting insipid comments on DCUM? Not real.

I was going to post the same thing. Her style of writing sounds like someone barely out of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have made earning money the focus of your marriage. You are reaping what you are sowing. Stop focusing so much on who earns what. Tell your husband let's stop focusing on income as long as the bills are getting paid it doesn't matter who earns what. Stop focusing on money. Stop focusing on your pride. Focus on enjoying your home, your child. As long as you make salary the foundation of your marriage, it will slowly destroy your marriage.

You two are supposed to be a team.

No one cares about your money except you, OP.

DP. Call me crazy, but I think that is kind of exactly wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Please give me advice, I am very stressed out.

My situation is similar to the poster who wrote about her $600k household income, where her husband claims to be the sole provider.

My H earns $600k, I earn around $200k.

We have a 10-year old daughter. We own a beautiful home together in an expensive area. All three of us love the house.

My H often says things like, even in front of our daughter:
"You are expendable, I could finance this house on my own, I don't need you."
"You only earn 25% of the household income, so I get to make the decisions."
"Go spend the weekend at the office so that I can enjoy the house alone."

For the record, I never say anything even remotely like this to him.

He works three hours away, so he comes home only on the weekends. This means that I do absolutely everything related to the child, the house, our finances, taxes, insurances, organizing social life, errands, etc. He has not opened an envelope in the past 17 years since we have been together. When he comes home on the weekends, he is tired and can hardly be bothered even to spend a little time with our kid. She adores him, however, and I never speak badly about him to her.

He berates me for not earning more, and says that he wants completely separate finances.

At every minor argument he explodes and threatens to move out.
For example:
Our daughter is starting a new school, and drop-off for the first day of orientation was to begin at 8:30 a.m. He told me to get to school at 8, so that we "can mingle with the other families". I tried to tell him that parents are not even supposed to get out of the car. He interrupted me, saying "listen to me for once in your life". I replied in a quiet tone that he could leave out the "once in your life". His reaction, almost verbatim: "I am sick of you belittling me all the time, of you posturing about knowing everything better than me. I want to move out. I cannot stand you as a person. You are emotionally abusive to me."

Another example:
He tried to cook something with our daughter (he is new to cooking). I encourage this as a bonding time. He told me to leave the kitchen, because this was to be his special time with her, and that he doesn't want my interference. He was looking for sour cream in the fridge. When I gave him the crème fraiche, he says that he doesn't use cow products anymore because they cause cancer. When I replied that this preference of his is new to me, and that humans have used dairy for millions of years, he said that he doesn't even want to spend any more time together, that he is tired of my constant quarrelling, that I am just like my mother and my sister (whom he hasn't seen for 10 years). Then he stormed out of the kitchen. I begged him to come back, to continue cooking with our daughter. I promised that I wouldn't say anything anymore.

A third example: he wanted to warm up a piece of salmon wrapped in foil in the microwave. He was about to push the start button when I realized what he is doing, so, not having time to explain it to him, I pushed his hand away to stop the microwave. He exploded, calling this abuse, saying that he can barely look at me anymore, that he doesn't want me around, etc.

The problem is that even if he we divorced, as long as we have to communicate regarding our daughter, such explosions are bound to happen. So a divorce would not solve my problems. I am trying to keep communication with him to a minimum, but I am not sure I can stick it out for eight more years.

I know that we are not providing the image of a healthy relationship to our daughter. But I think it would be worse if we divorce. As I mentioned before, all three of us adore the house and do not want to sell it. There is a guest apartment in the house. I fantasize about spending the weekends there, so that I avoid conflicts with him. But why should I sacrifice my weekends with my daughter? I spend the workdays at the office just as he does.

Because of the guest apartment the house could even be used as two dwellings. It would be completely doable to split it up and each of use use a comparatively equal space. But separate dwellings would not make us avoid communication (read conflict) concerning our daughter.

He rejects the idea of couples' therapy.

Please do not tell me that I should find a more worthy man. The conflicts with H would still not go away. H would still remain the father of our daughter, and she would continue to be torn between us.

I would be grateful for any constructive ideas. Thanks in advance.

I think that's caring a little about her income vs his, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fake post. An alleged lawyer (with her own firm and employees) who earns $200k can't figure this out to the point of posting insipid comments on DCUM? Not real.

I was going to post the same thing. Her style of writing sounds like someone barely out of college.

OP here. I am an immigrant, and English is my fourth language.

[Anonymous]

Oh right, because I'm sure we are getting all of the facts and straight talk from a story this biased.

The fact that this story is so biased probably means the OP is toxic.