Life is unfair. Why do I struggle so much to accept this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond and react to it. Literally.

You need perspective. Read books about people who have overcome extreme hardship or adversity and still have a great outlook on life. You will look at your life differently.

This. The information that you have access to daily is like drinking from a firehose with one of those little coffee stirrers/straws. You define your reality. Many people react to things that don't happen to them and instead happen to others. If the universal truth of "unfairness" (which is subjective in the details) causes anxiety, find and focus efforts on a tiny corner that you can improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty damn lucky and comfortable but the great disparity between the lucky and unlucky in the world is what pushed me over the edge to atheism. When I think of the absolute horror and suffering that little children in this world are enduring right now, all day, every day. No way can I get behind the idea that there is a deity that could sort it but choses not to for (insert your religion’s explanation here.) Nope!

OP here, and: yes! It's just so hard to know there are people in the world who basically have no chance of leading even remotely pleasant lives unless they simply dedicate every resource they have to trying to improve their circumstances. Which is, by itself, such a horrible burden to place on someone. And then if they DON'T do this, people will blame them for their circumstance, like "why didn't you work harder to lift yourself out of poverty/overcome crippling mental illness/get away from abuse/etc.?" And it drives me nuts because the people asking these question so often had so many fewer things to overcome (or nothing to overcome) and are just blithe about what it takes to overcome those circumstances and improve your life. It's just so easy to look at someone else's misfortune and think "oh, they should just do XYZ" like it's easy. It's usually not, and even if you did do XYZ, it still might not work.

It's just ridiculous, everything everywhere is SO unjust. Sometimes I don't even know how to live in this world.

NP. It's funny because I was going to post to say that the inherent unfairness of life is what pushes a lot of people to religion. If you don't see beyond this world, the unfairness of this world will drive some people mad, literally mad, especially if you are an empathetic person. It's not just the unfairness of my life vs my rich neighbor, it is about the suffering that some people endure, especially children. I am aware, and as the previous poster points out, that the suffering/unfairness drives some to what they consider to be atheism. But imo, it's not really atheism, it's anger at God for allowing such suffering and unfairness. And that anger at God becomes anger at people who can be so gullible so as to believe in such a God. But I am convinced for those who truly face this existential crisis, there is no way out other than God. You have to see the world as a prelude to something else and that we each face our own tests and trials and as brutal as they may be, they will be nothing compared to heaven.

What you are feeling has been well documented throughout history in literature. Look up Ivan's "Rebellion" chapter from Brothers Karamazov.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty damn lucky and comfortable but the great disparity between the lucky and unlucky in the world is what pushed me over the edge to atheism. When I think of the absolute horror and suffering that little children in this world are enduring right now, all day, every day. No way can I get behind the idea that there is a deity that could sort it but choses not to for (insert your religion’s explanation here.) Nope!

OP here, and: yes! It's just so hard to know there are people in the world who basically have no chance of leading even remotely pleasant lives unless they simply dedicate every resource they have to trying to improve their circumstances. Which is, by itself, such a horrible burden to place on someone. And then if they DON'T do this, people will blame them for their circumstance, like "why didn't you work harder to lift yourself out of poverty/overcome crippling mental illness/get away from abuse/etc.?" And it drives me nuts because the people asking these question so often had so many fewer things to overcome (or nothing to overcome) and are just blithe about what it takes to overcome those circumstances and improve your life. It's just so easy to look at someone else's misfortune and think "oh, they should just do XYZ" like it's easy. It's usually not, and even if you did do XYZ, it still might not work.

It's just ridiculous, everything everywhere is SO unjust. Sometimes I don't even know how to live in this world.

NP. It's funny because I was going to post to say that the inherent unfairness of life is what pushes a lot of people to religion. If you don't see beyond this world, the unfairness of this world will drive some people mad, literally mad, especially if you are an empathetic person. It's not just the unfairness of my life vs my rich neighbor, it is about the suffering that some people endure, especially children. I am aware, and as the previous poster points out, that the suffering/unfairness drives some to what they consider to be atheism. But imo, it's not really atheism, it's anger at God for allowing such suffering and unfairness. And that anger at God becomes anger at people who can be so gullible so as to believe in such a God. But I am convinced for those who truly face this existential crisis, there is no way out other than God. You have to see the world as a prelude to something else and that we each face our own tests and trials and as brutal as they may be, they will be nothing compared to heaven.

What you are feeling has been well documented throughout history in literature. Look up Ivan's "Rebellion" chapter from Brothers Karamazov.

Adding that I think most people responding here are not quite getting what OP is referring to. I don't think it's about jealousy or perspective. It sounds to me like she is weighed down by the inherent unfairness of the world. How we are all of equal worth, all humans, but can be randomly born into such different circumstances. This feeling has always bothered me, and the randomness of it makes me feel like the rug can be pulled out under me any minute and I could be living my nightmare scenario. This feeling has nothing to do with not being grateful. In fact, the more I am aware of the suffering of others, the more I am grateful for all that I have but along with the gratitude is a sense that I did not do anything to deserve it and so it was freely given and can be promptly taken away. Maybe OP is thinking of something else entirely, in which case apologies, but that is what I had in mind when I read her post because that is what I struggle with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you’re stuck in an immature place. Were you abused or traumatized as a kid? Or maybe borderline personality disorder?

WTH? This is way off and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, what are you doing to improve the lot of people who are truly suffering? Have you dedicated your life to children who are dying of hunger, women who are trafficked, men who are homeless?
I can't tell whether you are more upset for yourself because you feel like, relative to people you know, you have less, or for people who are vastly less fortunate than you. If the former, please focus on the latter. Your exposure to the suffering of people will imbue a sense of gratitude for what you actually do have. If the latter, then dedicate yourself to the alleviation of their suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From meditation, I’ve learned that thoughts are neutral and pass. It’s when we can’t stop chasing after the thought that we struggle. It sounds like you are chasing the thought. What if you just watched the thought instead?

OP here. Trust me, I do -- I practice mindfulness everyday (meditation was not right for me, though I did it for quite some time as well). I have practiced this detachment from this thought many, many times. It always comes back, and still I am left with this uncomfortable feeling of resentment.

What specifically are you resenting? I was with you on the general unfairness of how wealth and career success is distributed in our capitalist society, but you lost me at having confidence and friends.

There awful things you cannot predict, prevent or control - devastating medical diagnoses, tragic losses due to accidents and natural disasters, etc. If you lost your child to gun violence or cancer or your home to a fire or tornado, that is awful. You should grieve and seek therapy to deal with your grief.

There are ways we’re all dealt a bad hand. I’m financially secure, but I’m fat. I’m sure I’d be wealthier if I had married a more ambitious man, been diagnosed with ADHD as a child instead of in my 30s, taken more risks, or been born into a wealthier white collar family so I would have “known how to play the game” early in my career. However those things don’t stress me out - probably because I did some work with a CBT therapist in my early 20s. I can’t control what is in the past and I can’t control others - but I can control how I feel and how I react. I’m not saying I am never jealous, but I am able to sit with that feeling and ask myself what I want to do about it. Sometimes I may determine my actions don’t align with my goals and make a change. Sometimes I may decide that the thing I am jealous of is just a substitute for something else bothering me or that having it would not actually make me happy.

Overall practicing my loose version of CBT / mindfulness for 20+ years has allowed me to feel the things you are feeling OP and then let them go. It also allows me to take responsibility for my actions and feelings and seek change where I want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From meditation, I’ve learned that thoughts are neutral and pass. It’s when we can’t stop chasing after the thought that we struggle. It sounds like you are chasing the thought. What if you just watched the thought instead?

OP here. Trust me, I do -- I practice mindfulness everyday (meditation was not right for me, though I did it for quite some time as well). I have practiced this detachment from this thought many, many times. It always comes back, and still I am left with this uncomfortable feeling of resentment.

So what are you actually doing to help the underprivileged?
One reason why you feel so helpless maybe is because you're still focused inward. You're focused only on your response, rather than on acts of charity. In addition to meditation, why not do something? Donate money, time, expertise.

[Anonymous]

OP. How do you know anything about people’s lives? I have been on the receiving end of people making assumptions about me. People think my life has been easy and always been rich. They couldn’t be further from the truth! I had a childhood of neglect (sibling became a ward of the state after removal from CPS). I don’t talk about it because it’s so painful. Life is what you make it. I could sit around and feel sorry for myself but I worked really hard to create a life I love waking up to every morning.

If you’re unhappy, you can change your life OP. You can make it happen.

[Anonymous]

It is all a mindset. Life is unfair. Not really up for debate. Now the issue is how you respond and react to the fact that life is unfair. If you don’t want it to cause you stress and resentment, you need to change your mindset and perspective. Instead of seeing people through the lens of their privilege, you need to see people through how they treat others.

There is a saying about accept the things you can’t change, the courage to change things you can, and have the wisdom to know the difference. You can’t really change that the world is unfair. If reducing people’s suffering is important to you, then pick a cause that you can impact and take action. If you are dwelling on something you can’t change, you are choosing a negative mindset.

[Anonymous]

Is it unfair, or is it completely random?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to just accept some of the unfair things in my life. But no matter what I try (meditation, mindfulness, religion, reading philosophy, therapy, etc.) I still struggle with it so much.

So often people who already have a lot just get more. It's not fair! They already have so much, and there are people with so much less. Simply being born to a certain family, and class, in a certain country or region, with a certain body or brain, a person can be so vastly better off than someone without those blessings at birth, and then as a result of being blessed in this way, they wind up with more opportunities, support, friends, confidence, etc., and that leads them to more success, security, comfort, etc. And people without those blessings might still eventually get some of those things, but they have to work SO much harder to get them and there are trade offs (moving far from family for academic/professional opportunities, for instance). No matter how hard they work they will simply never have as much.

And then to add insult to injury, often these people who start off with so much more, seem to have no idea of the luck of their birth, and believe that they have more simply because they are better, and then they treat people who started out with a lot less as less than, and that's just yet another obstacle to overcome.

No matter how hard I work to just accept that this is how it is, I still find myself being upset about it, resenting people who benefit from this fundamental unfairness in life, and wishing things were different.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you found a way to simply accept it and move on? And if so, how did you do it?

This is the hardest part of life, in my opinion. I just try to do my best and hope that karma or reincarnation exist.

[Anonymous]

“You have to see the world as a prelude to something else and that we each face our own tests and trials and as brutal as they may be, they will be nothing compared to heaven.”

One of the religious platitudes to which I was referring. I don’t tell you how you feel about your religion, please don’t tell me that my atheism is anything other than what it is. Hard to be angry at a God that doesn’t exist. I’m not angry at religious people. Why would I be? My atheism actually makes me feel more responsible to live the best life I can while here and do as much good as I can, because there is no heaven for anyone or afterlife, which makes this one life all the more precious and goodness all the more valuable.

[Anonymous]

Fortune favors the brave...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. How do you know anything about people’s lives? I have been on the receiving end of people making assumptions about me. People think my life has been easy and always been rich. They couldn’t be further from the truth! I had a childhood of neglect (sibling became a ward of the state after removal from CPS). I don’t talk about it because it’s so painful. Life is what you make it. I could sit around and feel sorry for myself but I worked really hard to create a life I love waking up to every morning.

If you’re unhappy, you can change your life OP. You can make it happen.

She turns on the news ding dong. You can't be this dumb! Mass shootings every day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you’re stuck in an immature place. Were you abused or traumatized as a kid? Or maybe borderline personality disorder?

WTH? This is way off and inappropriate.

Nope. It’s just accurate. It’s not normal for grown adults to still wrestle with childish things.