Life is unfair. Why do I struggle so much to accept this?

[Anonymous]

I appreciate this post because this is a feeling I struggle with as well. What brings me some comfort is that there are people with so much more than me who are miserable and people with so much less who are at peace -- this makes me realize that it's not any individual possession, privilege, etc that matters, but how we approach the life that we have.

[Anonymous]

I was born in America. I don’t have any disabilities. I am one of the privileged. I cant even with feeling bad because I’m not super privileged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty damn lucky and comfortable but the great disparity between the lucky and unlucky in the world is what pushed me over the edge to atheism. When I think of the absolute horror and suffering that little children in this world are enduring right now, all day, every day. No way can I get behind the idea that there is a deity that could sort it but choses not to for (insert your religion’s explanation here.) Nope!

OP here, and: yes! It's just so hard to know there are people in the world who basically have no chance of leading even remotely pleasant lives unless they simply dedicate every resource they have to trying to improve their circumstances. Which is, by itself, such a horrible burden to place on someone. And then if they DON'T do this, people will blame them for their circumstance, like "why didn't you work harder to lift yourself out of poverty/overcome crippling mental illness/get away from abuse/etc.?" And it drives me nuts because the people asking these question so often had so many fewer things to overcome (or nothing to overcome) and are just blithe about what it takes to overcome those circumstances and improve your life. It's just so easy to look at someone else's misfortune and think "oh, they should just do XYZ" like it's easy. It's usually not, and even if you did do XYZ, it still might not work.

It's just ridiculous, everything everywhere is SO unjust. Sometimes I don't even know how to live in this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was born in America. I don’t have any disabilities. I am one of the privileged. I cant even with feeling bad because I’m not super privileged.

Right. Doesn't it bother you that you have so much more than people who were born without those privileges? Does the disparity not upset you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate this post because this is a feeling I struggle with as well. What brings me some comfort is that there are people with so much more than me who are miserable and people with so much less who are at peace -- this makes me realize that it's not any individual possession, privilege, etc that matters, but how we approach the life that we have.

This is an extremely good point. -- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you’re stuck in an immature place. Were you abused or traumatized as a kid? Or maybe borderline personality disorder?

It is not immature to be able to acknowledge a difficult feeling you are having and ask for help in managing it or looking at it from another perspective. That actually requires self-awareness and maturity.

99% of OP is seeking commiseration.

There is nothing wrong with seeking commiseration. Do you think that seeking out people who feel as you do or struggle with the same things is a sign of borderline personality disorder? Wtf?

No, I think being permanently stuck in a teen’s mindset is a possible indicator of BPD or otherwise arrested development.

PP said maybe OP is sincerely trying to get over it.

OP has gone on to prove she doesn’t want to get over it but instead to wallow in her immaturity. Again suggesting a serious mental health challenge.

Do you know what BPD is? It's always weird to diagnose someone with a personality disorder based on a single anonymous internet post, but this is an extremely weird diagnosis. Usually the biggest signs of BPD have to do with a person's interpersonal relationships and emotional responses to stress or other stimuli. I think you don't understand what BPD is and should maybe stop referencing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m pretty damn lucky and comfortable but the great disparity between the lucky and unlucky in the world is what pushed me over the edge to atheism. When I think of the absolute horror and suffering that little children in this world are enduring right now, all day, every day. No way can I get behind the idea that there is a deity that could sort it but choses not to for (insert your religion’s explanation here.) Nope!

OP here, and: yes! It's just so hard to know there are people in the world who basically have no chance of leading even remotely pleasant lives unless they simply dedicate every resource they have to trying to improve their circumstances. Which is, by itself, such a horrible burden to place on someone. And then if they DON'T do this, people will blame them for their circumstance, like "why didn't you work harder to lift yourself out of poverty/overcome crippling mental illness/get away from abuse/etc.?" And it drives me nuts because the people asking these question so often had so many fewer things to overcome (or nothing to overcome) and are just blithe about what it takes to overcome those circumstances and improve your life. It's just so easy to look at someone else's misfortune and think "oh, they should just do XYZ" like it's easy. It's usually not, and even if you did do XYZ, it still might not work.

It's just ridiculous, everything everywhere is SO unjust. Sometimes I don't even know how to live in this world.

You’re empathic. That’s a good thing. Your challenge and part of your journey is finding a way to keep that compassion without allowing it to consume you and sometimes it helps to channel that into something productive and helpful. You can’t change the whole world but you can effect a world of change for one person that could impact not just their life but generations. You can put energy into small things every day. Smile at people. Compliment strangers. Every bit of goodness matters and multiplies. Notice the lonely and weak and engage with them. Make them feel seen. Also realize that you cannot carry other peoples burdens for them and it only makes you less able to do and be good. When someone is struggling, do what you can and then let it go. Meditation with Jeff Warren on the Calm app really helped me to let go of a lot. The best you can do is the most the world can expect from you. ❤️ Fellow empath.

[Anonymous]

My biggest resentment regarding a fundamental unfairness is that some people having loving, supportive parents and I did not and do not. It has nothing to do with socioeconomic class -- I just really wish I'd had loving, supportive parents, and I also sometimes feel that people who do have these kinds of families are disdainful of me specifically because I didn't come from that kind of family, and it doubles that feeling of loss. So, yes: resentment.

For me, it has nothing to do with socioeconomic class or wealth. I just wish I'd grown up feeling loved and I think it would make it easier for me to exist. It wouldn't make me rich, it would just make life less painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My biggest resentment regarding a fundamental unfairness is that some people having loving, supportive parents and I did not and do not. It has nothing to do with socioeconomic class -- I just really wish I'd had loving, supportive parents, and I also sometimes feel that people who do have these kinds of families are disdainful of me specifically because I didn't come from that kind of family, and it doubles that feeling of loss. So, yes: resentment.

For me, it has nothing to do with socioeconomic class or wealth. I just wish I'd grown up feeling loved and I think it would make it easier for me to exist. It wouldn't make me rich, it would just make life less painful.

I feel this way too. This is what I struggle with. I feel such loss, and shame about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My biggest resentment regarding a fundamental unfairness is that some people having loving, supportive parents and I did not and do not. It has nothing to do with socioeconomic class -- I just really wish I'd had loving, supportive parents, and I also sometimes feel that people who do have these kinds of families are disdainful of me specifically because I didn't come from that kind of family, and it doubles that feeling of loss. So, yes: resentment.

For me, it has nothing to do with socioeconomic class or wealth. I just wish I'd grown up feeling loved and I think it would make it easier for me to exist. It wouldn't make me rich, it would just make life less painful.

Someone in my family were those compassionate loving parents to a child with severe health issues. She passed away and her parents find it so horribly unfair when they see awful, selfish parents treat their healthy children like a burden or neglect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest resentment regarding a fundamental unfairness is that some people having loving, supportive parents and I did not and do not. It has nothing to do with socioeconomic class -- I just really wish I'd had loving, supportive parents, and I also sometimes feel that people who do have these kinds of families are disdainful of me specifically because I didn't come from that kind of family, and it doubles that feeling of loss. So, yes: resentment.

For me, it has nothing to do with socioeconomic class or wealth. I just wish I'd grown up feeling loved and I think it would make it easier for me to exist. It wouldn't make me rich, it would just make life less painful.

I feel this way too. This is what I struggle with. I feel such loss, and shame about it.

Yes, and why is there shame? I did not choose my parents. I don't understand why they had me when they so clearly did not want me. I had no choice in the matter and made the most of it, but yes, I drag it around like a weight all the time, this feeling of being unwanted. It undermines everything I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to just accept some of the unfair things in my life. But no matter what I try (meditation, mindfulness, religion, reading philosophy, therapy, etc.) I still struggle with it so much.

So often people who already have a lot just get more. It's not fair! They already have so much, and there are people with so much less. Simply being born to a certain family, and class, in a certain country or region, with a certain body or brain, a person can be so vastly better off than someone without those blessings at birth, and then as a result of being blessed in this way, they wind up with more opportunities, support, friends, confidence, etc., and that leads them to more success, security, comfort, etc. And people without those blessings might still eventually get some of those things, but they have to work SO much harder to get them and there are trade offs (moving far from family for academic/professional opportunities, for instance). No matter how hard they work they will simply never have as much.

And then to add insult to injury, often these people who start off with so much more, seem to have no idea of the luck of their birth, and believe that they have more simply because they are better, and then they treat people who started out with a lot less as less than, and that's just yet another obstacle to overcome.

No matter how hard I work to just accept that this is how it is, I still find myself being upset about it, resenting people who benefit from this fundamental unfairness in life, and wishing things were different.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you found a way to simply accept it and move on? And if so, how did you do it?

Not with money. And money does not always mean someone's life is good.

My grandmother had a very easy life, and by that I mean no drama, no poor health, no heartbreak, etc. She was middle class, but she never suffered any great loss or tragedy or even difficulty. She is the only person I know (or know well enough) who had it so easy in life. I envy that. But I think it's so incredibly rare.

But to your point, why should things be fair? I hope everyone meets their needs and gets some of their wants. But other than that, fairness is an illusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to just accept some of the unfair things in my life. But no matter what I try (meditation, mindfulness, religion, reading philosophy, therapy, etc.) I still struggle with it so much.

So often people who already have a lot just get more. It's not fair! They already have so much, and there are people with so much less. Simply being born to a certain family, and class, in a certain country or region, with a certain body or brain, a person can be so vastly better off than someone without those blessings at birth, and then as a result of being blessed in this way, they wind up with more opportunities, support, friends, confidence, etc., and that leads them to more success, security, comfort, etc. And people without those blessings might still eventually get some of those things, but they have to work SO much harder to get them and there are trade offs (moving far from family for academic/professional opportunities, for instance). No matter how hard they work they will simply never have as much.

And then to add insult to injury, often these people who start off with so much more, seem to have no idea of the luck of their birth, and believe that they have more simply because they are better, and then they treat people who started out with a lot less as less than, and that's just yet another obstacle to overcome.

No matter how hard I work to just accept that this is how it is, I still find myself being upset about it, resenting people who benefit from this fundamental unfairness in life, and wishing things were different.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you found a way to simply accept it and move on? And if so, how did you do it?

Not with money. And money does not always mean someone's life is good.

My grandmother had a very easy life, and by that I mean no drama, no poor health, no heartbreak, etc. She was middle class, but she never suffered any great loss or tragedy or even difficulty. She is the only person I know (or know well enough) who had it so easy in life. I envy that. But I think it's so incredibly rare.

But to your point, why should things be fair? I hope everyone meets their needs and gets some of their wants. But other than that, fairness is an illusion.

Many, many people do not get their basic needs met. That's the point. It's not even about wants.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for this post, OP. I often think of the same thing and have no way to reconcile it in my mind. I have an aunt who never married, never was allowed to finish school beyond the sixth grade, never worked, and was never even close to pretty (hence no suitors). Hers is a life unlived and it makes me very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because when you're the one with a serious cancer diagnosis in middle age and your friends are busy planning their kids' college admissions, reaping rewards in their careers, upgrading their homes, etc...

... it sucks entirely.

Not me. My friend. I am the lucky one for now, and she's not so lucky, and I wish she could experience the life I have instead of lurching from treatment to treatment.

+1 just think about this OP! there are so many really really serious things that can go wrong. And they even happen to super rich or beautiful people too. I have a lot of clinicians in my family, and so they see the statistically unlucky ones. But at least it gives them perspective and they feel very grateful.

Your not going to want to hear this, but: when privileged people get cancer, get divorced, lose jobs, etc., they have extensive support networks that make it far more likely they will get through it. Look at health outcomes for people based on socio-economic class, or something like the ACES test. People born to wealth, privilege, and stable families may of course experience bad luck and misfortune. But they will not suffer as much from it as people who are not.

And to take it further (and likely piss you off more), even if a very privileged person dies of cancer, their families will have more financial security, support, access to mental health resources, etc., than people from less privileged backgrounds. Even when the worst happens, it's not as bad. That's the fundamental unfairness.

Nah, that's mostly nonsense. You can get mad about imaginary people who have lucky happy lives. I'll take my contentment. And my knowledge that most Americans are not those elites that you're perseverating over.

It’s not nonsense at all. It’s factual. You don’t like admitting it, but that’s immaterial. NP