Life is unfair. Why do I struggle so much to accept this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I get that. Some people are just in a better situation, maybe closer to a social network or have some genetic good qualities, have more benefits, are a leg up on everyone. Then that makes them more desirable, they attract more people, they get a fat head, and then look down on you if you did not have those advantages. And your whole life is a struggle. Then when you confide about your own situation, they act like "so what, you can easily change!", but you can't and they can't really relate to you and lack empathy. This is a form of social comparison and comparison is the thief of joy. However, what I've noticed is that they may have certain skills you don't have, but you may have skills and advantages they don't have. So, try not to compare. It all evens out in the end.

No. That’s the point. It doesn’t. Often those who are born with advantages like a healthy and even wealthy family of origin continue to accrue advantages throughout life. There is no magical karma fairy who wanders around evening things out. That’s silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Awww OP I’m sorry you’re struggling.

Are you talking about big picture injustice, like the fact that somewhere in the world a child is starving to death while pretty much every American can take comfort that won’t happen to them? Or are you talking about comparisons with other Americans, like maybe a neighbor who isn’t as smart and doesn’t work hard yet has more money than you?

If it’s the former, I think all we can do is sit with it and accept that it’s sad and unfair. If it’s the latter, I think you should work on not comparing situations and practice gratitude. I bet you have a lot of blessings OP!

Also, even if someone looks like they have an amazing life, you never know what they’re dealing with. I bet people would think I have a pretty great life. They wouldn’t know that I was molested as a child and it messed me up for life. They’d never know the things my mentally ill mother said and did to me. But I still get out of bed and try to live my life to the fullest. I have accepted the cards I was dealt and make the most of it.

I’m not talking about a neighbor with more money— for starters, there are different kinds of smart, and also if we are both financially stable, that’s petty.

I’m talking about vast discrepancies, but a wider range than you are talking about. Yes, of course, any child who is going hungry, whether in the US or elsewhere. But also any huge disparity.

But specifically I’m talking about how being born into certain advantages tends to snowball and lead to other advantages, and how certain disadvantages all tend to snowball, turning people into Sisyphus, condemned to pushing a Boulder up a hill that will never stay there. The specific unfairness of never being able to actually overcome certain disadvantages, no matter how hard one tries, and then being treated with disdain by people who don’t recognize their good fortune in having no such disadvantage to start with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I get that. Some people are just in a better situation, maybe closer to a social network or have some genetic good qualities, have more benefits, are a leg up on everyone. Then that makes them more desirable, they attract more people, they get a fat head, and then look down on you if you did not have those advantages. And your whole life is a struggle. Then when you confide about your own situation, they act like "so what, you can easily change!", but you can't and they can't really relate to you and lack empathy. This is a form of social comparison and comparison is the thief of joy. However, what I've noticed is that they may have certain skills you don't have, but you may have skills and advantages they don't have. So, try not to compare. It all evens out in the end.

No. That’s the point. It doesn’t. Often those who are born with advantages like a healthy and even wealthy family of origin continue to accrue advantages throughout life. There is no magical karma fairy who wanders around evening things out. That’s silly.

No they don't. You've heard "from shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations"? People do not "continue to accrue advantages". Some people work hard, some people don't, some people are lucky and some are unlucky. Most people struggle with something, some people struggle with a lot of somethings.

Anxiety is terrible. It seems worse than so many other issues. And it seems to be very untreatable or unfixable, no matter how much the person wants to or tries. At least, that's what I see among the people I know.

[Anonymous]

Just focus on improving your life to the greatest extent possible. Don’t worry about others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I get that. Some people are just in a better situation, maybe closer to a social network or have some genetic good qualities, have more benefits, are a leg up on everyone. Then that makes them more desirable, they attract more people, they get a fat head, and then look down on you if you did not have those advantages. And your whole life is a struggle. Then when you confide about your own situation, they act like "so what, you can easily change!", but you can't and they can't really relate to you and lack empathy. This is a form of social comparison and comparison is the thief of joy. However, what I've noticed is that they may have certain skills you don't have, but you may have skills and advantages they don't have. So, try not to compare. It all evens out in the end.

No. That’s the point. It doesn’t. Often those who are born with advantages like a healthy and even wealthy family of origin continue to accrue advantages throughout life. There is no magical karma fairy who wanders around evening things out. That’s silly.

No they don't. You've heard "from shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations"? People do not "continue to accrue advantages". Some people work hard, some people don't, some people are lucky and some are unlucky. Most people struggle with something, some people struggle with a lot of somethings.

Anxiety is terrible. It seems worse than so many other issues. And it seems to be very untreatable or unfixable, no matter how much the person wants to or tries. At least, that's what I see among the people I know.

What are you even talking about? This is word salad.

We aren't even talking about generational wealth or anxiety. We're talking about how an individual born to advantages is going to tend to attract more advantages to themselves, and that certain disadvantages also tend to attract other disadvantages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I get that. Some people are just in a better situation, maybe closer to a social network or have some genetic good qualities, have more benefits, are a leg up on everyone. Then that makes them more desirable, they attract more people, they get a fat head, and then look down on you if you did not have those advantages. And your whole life is a struggle. Then when you confide about your own situation, they act like "so what, you can easily change!", but you can't and they can't really relate to you and lack empathy. This is a form of social comparison and comparison is the thief of joy. However, what I've noticed is that they may have certain skills you don't have, but you may have skills and advantages they don't have. So, try not to compare. It all evens out in the end.

No. That’s the point. It doesn’t. Often those who are born with advantages like a healthy and even wealthy family of origin continue to accrue advantages throughout life. There is no magical karma fairy who wanders around evening things out. That’s silly.

No they don't. You've heard "from shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations"? People do not "continue to accrue advantages". Some people work hard, some people don't, some people are lucky and some are unlucky. Most people struggle with something, some people struggle with a lot of somethings.

Anxiety is terrible. It seems worse than so many other issues. And it seems to be very untreatable or unfixable, no matter how much the person wants to or tries. At least, that's what I see among the people I know.

What are you even talking about? This is word salad.

We aren't even talking about generational wealth or anxiety. We're talking about how an individual born to advantages is going to tend to attract more advantages to themselves, and that certain disadvantages also tend to attract other disadvantages.

Just being born into a stable and employed nuclear family in the US, you’ve had more advantages in life than 99% of the world’s population.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just focus on improving your life to the greatest extent possible. Don’t worry about others.

^This!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you’re stuck in an immature place. Were you abused or traumatized as a kid? Or maybe borderline personality disorder?

It is not immature to be able to acknowledge a difficult feeling you are having and ask for help in managing it or looking at it from another perspective. That actually requires self-awareness and maturity.

99% of OP is seeking commiseration.

There is nothing wrong with seeking commiseration. Do you think that seeking out people who feel as you do or struggle with the same things is a sign of borderline personality disorder? Wtf?

No, I think being permanently stuck in a teen’s mindset is a possible indicator of BPD or otherwise arrested development.

PP said maybe OP is sincerely trying to get over it.

OP has gone on to prove she doesn’t want to get over it but instead to wallow in her immaturity. Again suggesting a serious mental health challenge.

Do you know what BPD is? It's always weird to diagnose someone with a personality disorder based on a single anonymous internet post, but this is an extremely weird diagnosis. Usually the biggest signs of BPD have to do with a person's interpersonal relationships and emotional responses to stress or other stimuli. I think you don't understand what BPD is and should maybe stop referencing it.

I would guess Autism before BPD. -Autistic person

[Anonymous]

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond and react to it. Literally.

You need perspective. Read books about people who have overcome extreme hardship or adversity and still have a great outlook on life. You will look at your life differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I get that. Some people are just in a better situation, maybe closer to a social network or have some genetic good qualities, have more benefits, are a leg up on everyone. Then that makes them more desirable, they attract more people, they get a fat head, and then look down on you if you did not have those advantages. And your whole life is a struggle. Then when you confide about your own situation, they act like "so what, you can easily change!", but you can't and they can't really relate to you and lack empathy. This is a form of social comparison and comparison is the thief of joy. However, what I've noticed is that they may have certain skills you don't have, but you may have skills and advantages they don't have. So, try not to compare. It all evens out in the end.

No. That’s the point. It doesn’t. Often those who are born with advantages like a healthy and even wealthy family of origin continue to accrue advantages throughout life. There is no magical karma fairy who wanders around evening things out. That’s silly.

No they don't. You've heard "from shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations"? People do not "continue to accrue advantages". Some people work hard, some people don't, some people are lucky and some are unlucky. Most people struggle with something, some people struggle with a lot of somethings.

Anxiety is terrible. It seems worse than so many other issues. And it seems to be very untreatable or unfixable, no matter how much the person wants to or tries. At least, that's what I see among the people I know.

What are you even talking about? This is word salad.

We aren't even talking about generational wealth or anxiety. We're talking about how an individual born to advantages is going to tend to attract more advantages to themselves, and that certain disadvantages also tend to attract other disadvantages.

Just being born into a stable and employed nuclear family in the US, you’ve had more advantages in life than 99% of the world’s population.

Right, what if you were not born into a stable and employed nuclear family in the US?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you’re stuck in an immature place. Were you abused or traumatized as a kid? Or maybe borderline personality disorder?

It is not immature to be able to acknowledge a difficult feeling you are having and ask for help in managing it or looking at it from another perspective. That actually requires self-awareness and maturity.

99% of OP is seeking commiseration.

There is nothing wrong with seeking commiseration. Do you think that seeking out people who feel as you do or struggle with the same things is a sign of borderline personality disorder? Wtf?

No, I think being permanently stuck in a teen’s mindset is a possible indicator of BPD or otherwise arrested development.

PP said maybe OP is sincerely trying to get over it.

OP has gone on to prove she doesn’t want to get over it but instead to wallow in her immaturity. Again suggesting a serious mental health challenge.

Do you know what BPD is? It's always weird to diagnose someone with a personality disorder based on a single anonymous internet post, but this is an extremely weird diagnosis. Usually the biggest signs of BPD have to do with a person's interpersonal relationships and emotional responses to stress or other stimuli. I think you don't understand what BPD is and should maybe stop referencing it.

I would guess Autism before BPD. -Autistic person

Is the desire to diagnose anonymous strangers with personality or spectrum disorders a sign of a personality or spectrum disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond and react to it. Literally.

You need perspective. Read books about people who have overcome extreme hardship or adversity and still have a great outlook on life. You will look at your life differently.

+1

My mom once told me she didn’t do well on standardized tests. “I wasn’t the smartest, so I learned to work the hardest.”

She never stopped.

MBA, JD, starting two companies, writing a book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you’re stuck in an immature place. Were you abused or traumatized as a kid? Or maybe borderline personality disorder?

It is not immature to be able to acknowledge a difficult feeling you are having and ask for help in managing it or looking at it from another perspective. That actually requires self-awareness and maturity.

99% of OP is seeking commiseration.

There is nothing wrong with seeking commiseration. Do you think that seeking out people who feel as you do or struggle with the same things is a sign of borderline personality disorder? Wtf?

No, I think being permanently stuck in a teen’s mindset is a possible indicator of BPD or otherwise arrested development.

PP said maybe OP is sincerely trying to get over it.

OP has gone on to prove she doesn’t want to get over it but instead to wallow in her immaturity. Again suggesting a serious mental health challenge.

Do you know what BPD is? It's always weird to diagnose someone with a personality disorder based on a single anonymous internet post, but this is an extremely weird diagnosis. Usually the biggest signs of BPD have to do with a person's interpersonal relationships and emotional responses to stress or other stimuli. I think you don't understand what BPD is and should maybe stop referencing it.

I would guess Autism before BPD. -Autistic person

Is the desire to diagnose anonymous strangers with personality or spectrum disorders a sign of a personality or spectrum disorder?

No. It's a human desire, everyone does it, with different names or understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you’re stuck in an immature place. Were you abused or traumatized as a kid? Or maybe borderline personality disorder?

It is not immature to be able to acknowledge a difficult feeling you are having and ask for help in managing it or looking at it from another perspective. That actually requires self-awareness and maturity.

99% of OP is seeking commiseration.

There is nothing wrong with seeking commiseration. Do you think that seeking out people who feel as you do or struggle with the same things is a sign of borderline personality disorder? Wtf?

No, I think being permanently stuck in a teen’s mindset is a possible indicator of BPD or otherwise arrested development.

PP said maybe OP is sincerely trying to get over it.

OP has gone on to prove she doesn’t want to get over it but instead to wallow in her immaturity. Again suggesting a serious mental health challenge.

Do you know what BPD is? It's always weird to diagnose someone with a personality disorder based on a single anonymous internet post, but this is an extremely weird diagnosis. Usually the biggest signs of BPD have to do with a person's interpersonal relationships and emotional responses to stress or other stimuli. I think you don't understand what BPD is and should maybe stop referencing it.

I would guess Autism before BPD. -Autistic person

Is the desire to diagnose anonymous strangers with personality or spectrum disorders a sign of a personality or spectrum disorder?

It must be - because the OP sounds normal to me. It is one of the great mysteries of life - why some have so many advantages and others don’t. Another mystery: why some do everything right and die young and others live their lives however they want and live into their 90s. Life isn’t fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to just accept some of the unfair things in my life. But no matter what I try (meditation, mindfulness, religion, reading philosophy, therapy, etc.) I still struggle with it so much.

So often people who already have a lot just get more. It's not fair! They already have so much, and there are people with so much less. Simply being born to a certain family, and class, in a certain country or region, with a certain body or brain, a person can be so vastly better off than someone without those blessings at birth, and then as a result of being blessed in this way, they wind up with more opportunities, support, friends, confidence, etc., and that leads them to more success, security, comfort, etc. And people without those blessings might still eventually get some of those things, but they have to work SO much harder to get them and there are trade offs (moving far from family for academic/professional opportunities, for instance). No matter how hard they work they will simply never have as much.

And then to add insult to injury, often these people who start off with so much more, seem to have no idea of the luck of their birth, and believe that they have more simply because they are better, and then they treat people who started out with a lot less as less than, and that's just yet another obstacle to overcome.

No matter how hard I work to just accept that this is how it is, I still find myself being upset about it, resenting people who benefit from this fundamental unfairness in life, and wishing things were different.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you found a way to simply accept it and move on? And if so, how did you do it?

I think it was the way you were raised. You were told the world is fair and good work is rewarded. It is to an extent. If you were raised with the view that life is always unfair either for you or against you and that people are bad and that they are coming for what you have, you are better equipped to deal with life.