Life is unfair. Why do I struggle so much to accept this?

[Anonymous]

I want to just accept some of the unfair things in my life. But no matter what I try (meditation, mindfulness, religion, reading philosophy, therapy, etc.) I still struggle with it so much.

So often people who already have a lot just get more. It's not fair! They already have so much, and there are people with so much less. Simply being born to a certain family, and class, in a certain country or region, with a certain body or brain, a person can be so vastly better off than someone without those blessings at birth, and then as a result of being blessed in this way, they wind up with more opportunities, support, friends, confidence, etc., and that leads them to more success, security, comfort, etc. And people without those blessings might still eventually get some of those things, but they have to work SO much harder to get them and there are trade offs (moving far from family for academic/professional opportunities, for instance). No matter how hard they work they will simply never have as much.

And then to add insult to injury, often these people who start off with so much more, seem to have no idea of the luck of their birth, and believe that they have more simply because they are better, and then they treat people who started out with a lot less as less than, and that's just yet another obstacle to overcome.

No matter how hard I work to just accept that this is how it is, I still find myself being upset about it, resenting people who benefit from this fundamental unfairness in life, and wishing things were different.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you found a way to simply accept it and move on? And if so, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Try the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.

You need to reframe. Yes things are unfair, but some of the unfairness worked to your benefit.

For example, presumably you live in the US and have clean running water, unlike many people in the world.

You can shift your worldview if you want and the best reason to do so is it will help you with your mood.

You can try on your own or do this with a therapist or support group.

[Anonymous]

I live this. What can you do other than accept it? We are all meaningless nothings. No better than ants. Millions and millions of years of nature existed before us. Other hominid species, potentially with their own culture, have gone completely extinct.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your entire post, OP.

[Anonymous]

Because when you're the one with a serious cancer diagnosis in middle age and your friends are busy planning their kids' college admissions, reaping rewards in their careers, upgrading their homes, etc...

... it sucks entirely.

Not me. My friend. I am the lucky one for now, and she's not so lucky, and I wish she could experience the life I have instead of lurching from treatment to treatment.

[Anonymous]

And yet, someone else in worse conditions looks at you and thinks the same... and can't understand why you can't be happy.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you’re stuck in an immature place. Were you abused or traumatized as a kid? Or maybe borderline personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And yet, someone else in worse conditions looks at you and thinks the same... and can't understand why you can't be happy.

This. If all the privilege in the world were redistributed equally, OP, I strongly suspect you’d come out behind, but for some reason you think you’re a victim.

[Anonymous]

I don't see this IRL. It's not a real phenomenon. see people with this anxiety though, especially on DCUM. Is it an East Coast mindset? I hope my kids are able to inherit my Midwestern mindset rather than the DC mindset of unhappiness and judgment.

[Anonymous]

Life’s not fair. Shit’s not even real. Follow the science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see this IRL. It's not a real phenomenon. see people with this anxiety though, especially on DCUM. Is it an East Coast mindset? I hope my kids are able to inherit my Midwestern mindset rather than the DC mindset of unhappiness and judgment.

Based on my DH growing up in this region with all transplant friends, probably not!

[Anonymous]

I agree with cbt or at least a book about it (the one pp rec’d is excellent.)

this is not to try to convince you life is fair bc it obviously isn’t, but you help you increase your own quality of life and sense of well-being,

(And I’ll add that while life is definitely not fair for any one individual you really don’t know what that person is going through or has been through and nor what the future holds for them.) good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

From meditation, I’ve learned that thoughts are neutral and pass. It’s when we can’t stop chasing after the thought that we struggle. It sounds like you are chasing the thought. What if you just watched the thought instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to just accept some of the unfair things in my life. But no matter what I try (meditation, mindfulness, religion, reading philosophy, therapy, etc.) I still struggle with it so much.

So often people who already have a lot just get more. It's not fair! They already have so much, and there are people with so much less. Simply being born to a certain family, and class, in a certain country or region, with a certain body or brain, a person can be so vastly better off than someone without those blessings at birth, and then as a result of being blessed in this way, they wind up with more opportunities, support, friends, confidence, etc., and that leads them to more success, security, comfort, etc. And people without those blessings might still eventually get some of those things, but they have to work SO much harder to get them and there are trade offs (moving far from family for academic/professional opportunities, for instance). No matter how hard they work they will simply never have as much.

And then to add insult to injury, often these people who start off with so much more, seem to have no idea of the luck of their birth, and believe that they have more simply because they are better, and then they treat people who started out with a lot less as less than, and that's just yet another obstacle to overcome.

No matter how hard I work to just accept that this is how it is, I still find myself being upset about it, resenting people who benefit from this fundamental unfairness in life, and wishing things were different.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or have you found a way to simply accept it and move on? And if so, how did you do it?

In grad school a good friend was part of the 1%. She told me to read Ayn Rand, was a free market and conservative person. It was really easy for someone born into great wealth to believe that she deserved it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you’re stuck in an immature place. Were you abused or traumatized as a kid? Or maybe borderline personality disorder?

It is not immature to be able to acknowledge a difficult feeling you are having and ask for help in managing it or looking at it from another perspective. That actually requires self-awareness and maturity.