Life is unfair. Why do I struggle so much to accept this?

[Anonymous]

I was born poor and kinda stupid but with chutzpah. All you need is chutzpah to get rich

[Anonymous]

Yes, I get that. Some people are just in a better situation, maybe closer to a social network or have some genetic good qualities, have more benefits, are a leg up on everyone. Then that makes them more desirable, they attract more people, they get a fat head, and then look down on you if you did not have those advantages. And your whole life is a struggle. Then when you confide about your own situation, they act like "so what, you can easily change!", but you can't and they can't really relate to you and lack empathy. This is a form of social comparison and comparison is the thief of joy. However, what I've noticed is that they may have certain skills you don't have, but you may have skills and advantages they don't have. So, try not to compare. It all evens out in the end.

[Anonymous]

What you’re really saying is, “Why isn’t this world perfect and fair?! I should not be challenged and stressed by any problems! Everything should be easy!”

[Anonymous]

What you resist, persists.

Give yourself permission to fully grieve the reality you wish you had. Try and connect the material desires to the more emotional ones, and really let yourself be sad, angry about it. It’s not fair and it sucks.

What I’ve discovered allowing myself to sit with the my feelings that I am able to also begin to actually feel gratitude and start thinking about finding more space for the things I want in my life and less I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you’re really saying is, “Why isn’t this world perfect and fair?! I should not be challenged and stressed by any problems! Everything should be easy!”

No, the OP is not just complaining about her own life, but how things are unfair for so many people. Not just people in the US that aren’t super rich, but unfair for millions of people that live in poverty and have no chance to improve their life. People fleeing unstable countries, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest resentment regarding a fundamental unfairness is that some people having loving, supportive parents and I did not and do not. It has nothing to do with socioeconomic class -- I just really wish I'd had loving, supportive parents, and I also sometimes feel that people who do have these kinds of families are disdainful of me specifically because I didn't come from that kind of family, and it doubles that feeling of loss. So, yes: resentment.

For me, it has nothing to do with socioeconomic class or wealth. I just wish I'd grown up feeling loved and I think it would make it easier for me to exist. It wouldn't make me rich, it would just make life less painful.

I feel this way too. This is what I struggle with. I feel such loss, and shame about it.

Yes, and why is there shame? I did not choose my parents. I don't understand why they had me when they so clearly did not want me. I had no choice in the matter and made the most of it, but yes, I drag it around like a weight all the time, this feeling of being unwanted. It undermines everything I do.

I suspect you feel shame because you haven’t truly accepted it’s not your fault and isn’t something you could have changed by being a better kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because when you're the one with a serious cancer diagnosis in middle age and your friends are busy planning their kids' college admissions, reaping rewards in their careers, upgrading their homes, etc...

... it sucks entirely.

Not me. My friend. I am the lucky one for now, and she's not so lucky, and I wish she could experience the life I have instead of lurching from treatment to treatment.

+1 just think about this OP! there are so many really really serious things that can go wrong. And they even happen to super rich or beautiful people too. I have a lot of clinicians in my family, and so they see the statistically unlucky ones. But at least it gives them perspective and they feel very grateful.

Your not going to want to hear this, but: when privileged people get cancer, get divorced, lose jobs, etc., they have extensive support networks that make it far more likely they will get through it. Look at health outcomes for people based on socio-economic class, or something like the ACES test. People born to wealth, privilege, and stable families may of course experience bad luck and misfortune. But they will not suffer as much from it as people who are not.

And to take it further (and likely piss you off more), even if a very privileged person dies of cancer, their families will have more financial security, support, access to mental health resources, etc., than people from less privileged backgrounds. Even when the worst happens, it's not as bad. That's the fundamental unfairness.

Nah, that's mostly nonsense. You can get mad about imaginary people who have lucky happy lives. I'll take my contentment. And my knowledge that most Americans are not those elites that you're perseverating over.

It’s not nonsense at all. It’s factual. You don’t like admitting it, but that’s immaterial. NP

Also NP but actually you’re wrong. PP is right that those situations are rare and that “most Americans are not those elites.” Fixating on the hyper rare outcomes is stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you’re stuck in an immature place. Were you abused or traumatized as a kid? Or maybe borderline personality disorder?

different poster, but you have no idea what border line personality is

[Anonymous]

OP Are you religious?

I am personally not, and I also struggle with accepting the reality of life not being fair. I think religion and faith is a big part of how humanity tries to cope with that. Being reassured that it will all sort itself out in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was born in America. I don’t have any disabilities. I am one of the privileged. I cant even with feeling bad because I’m not super privileged.

Right. Doesn't it bother you that you have so much more than people who were born without those privileges? Does the disparity not upset you?

This post is about some of the haves having more than others. It’s not about people who really struggle. But to your question, yes. I never forget that independence and the American dream were always available if you worked hard enough and that is an amazing gift that so many risk their lives trying to get it for themselves and their children.

[Anonymous]

The only way to be happy is to give love and care to others who need it with no expectation of reward. Which is impossible for most people.

This is why volunteering feels good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was born in America. I don’t have any disabilities. I am one of the privileged. I cant even with feeling bad because I’m not super privileged.

Right. Doesn't it bother you that you have so much more than people who were born without those privileges? Does the disparity not upset you?

This post is about some of the haves having more than others. It’s not about people who really struggle. But to your question, yes. I never forget that independence and the American dream were always available if you worked hard enough and that is an amazing gift that so many risk their lives trying to get it for themselves and their children.

OP here and I’m not sure why so many people on this thread think I’m talking about the disparity between very privileged and slightly less privileged people. I’m talking about the disparity between privileged people and people who “really struggle.” That’s precisely the point of the thread.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this. So much stuff annoys him because he has this idea of universal "fairness" in his head. This is a kindergarten concept.

[Anonymous]

Awww OP I’m sorry you’re struggling.

Are you talking about big picture injustice, like the fact that somewhere in the world a child is starving to death while pretty much every American can take comfort that won’t happen to them? Or are you talking about comparisons with other Americans, like maybe a neighbor who isn’t as smart and doesn’t work hard yet has more money than you?

If it’s the former, I think all we can do is sit with it and accept that it’s sad and unfair. If it’s the latter, I think you should work on not comparing situations and practice gratitude. I bet you have a lot of blessings OP!

Also, even if someone looks like they have an amazing life, you never know what they’re dealing with. I bet people would think I have a pretty great life. They wouldn’t know that I was molested as a child and it messed me up for life. They’d never know the things my mentally ill mother said and did to me. But I still get out of bed and try to live my life to the fullest. I have accepted the cards I was dealt and make the most of it.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if one reason it’s hard to accept is that our culture works so hard to pretend it is fair. I think it’s hard to accept things when people are always trying to put a good spin on things or convince you that actually that’s not the case.