Difficult niece - family trip

[Anonymous]

Your daughter needs to learn to use her voice. "Becky, stop talking - it's time to go to sleep now. I'm not going to respond to you anymore until 8am tomorrow." "Becky, I'm having alone time reading and don't want to play now. Go see if Grandma wants to go exploring with you." "No thanks, I want to sit next to my Dad for this dinner."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

Um what?! How do you avoid difficult people? Don't you have inlaws, coworkers, employees, people at your kids' schools?

She does not have to spend meaningful time with the cousin or let cousin be mean to her. She just needs to walk away or tell cousin that she is going to read a book/lay on the beach/play a game with her parents.

That’s exactly her point, she doesn’t have to share 1-2 weeks in the same bedroom with any of these people. OP isn’t saying that her DD won’t go anywhere if the cousin is there. It’s spending the entire vacation staying in the same room with the person.

My suggestion is to go on a vacation not an obligation. Go somewhere where your nuclear family will actually enjoy themselves and not stuck in a crappy beach house with relatives.

That is a sad suggestion. Presumably having a relationship with the cousin is important. You lack the skills to get along with people, so stomp your feet and don't go?

Having a relationship with the cousin is only important if you want it to be. I don’t think vacationing with a PITA cousin is an important life milestone. I manage to have relationships with family members that don’t involve sharing a bedroom. YMMV.

That decision is for the parents to make until the kids are grown up though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

And then avoid it when she doesn't like her college roommate?
The fact that we are normalizing anxiety in an 11 year old whose biggest problem is rooming with a cousin on vacation just blows my mind.
Does she have a diagnosis OP? Is she medicated and/or seeing a therapist? Her dh clearly thinks she's coddling her and I would agree based on the info provided. If she's getting mental health treatment, then I might change opinions.

She would learn that she does not need to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation and can advocate to change her college roommate.

Not every unpleasant interaction requires a diagnosis. People (adult and young) can simply not get along.

An 11yo child on vacation is different from an 18yo college student. Do you not get that?

I dis not make this example, I was responding to it. Do you not get this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

And then avoid it when she doesn't like her college roommate?
The fact that we are normalizing anxiety in an 11 year old whose biggest problem is rooming with a cousin on vacation just blows my mind.
Does she have a diagnosis OP? Is she medicated and/or seeing a therapist? Her dh clearly thinks she's coddling her and I would agree based on the info provided. If she's getting mental health treatment, then I might change opinions.

She would learn that she does not need to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation and can advocate to change her college roommate.

Not every unpleasant interaction requires a diagnosis. People (adult and young) can simply not get along.

Likely the answer would be no from a college outside of specific reasons, at least for the semester. Advocating isn’t getting.

Learned helplessness at its best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love when parents of introverted singletons have so much advice for parenting larger families. They have no idea.

My only advice is that I don’t want to be the proverbial village. You chose your family size, you deal with your kids.

When you choose to share a vacation home with extended family, you are choosing to be part of the village. At least for the duration of that stay. OP chose this.

Then the village should cater to all members equally, not to the family that procreated the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

And then avoid it when she doesn't like her college roommate?
The fact that we are normalizing anxiety in an 11 year old whose biggest problem is rooming with a cousin on vacation just blows my mind.
Does she have a diagnosis OP? Is she medicated and/or seeing a therapist? Her dh clearly thinks she's coddling her and I would agree based on the info provided. If she's getting mental health treatment, then I might change opinions.

She would learn that she does not need to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation and can advocate to change her college roommate.

Not every unpleasant interaction requires a diagnosis. People (adult and young) can simply not get along.

Likely the answer would be no from a college outside of specific reasons, at least for the semester. Advocating isn’t getting.

Learned helplessness at its best.

It’s setting your child up to fail to teach that she will get her way each and every time simply because she “advocates” to change something. Using your voice is a skill but so is accepting the answer no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love when parents of introverted singletons have so much advice for parenting larger families. They have no idea.

My only advice is that I don’t want to be the proverbial village. You chose your family size, you deal with your kids.

When you choose to share a vacation home with extended family, you are choosing to be part of the village. At least for the duration of that stay. OP chose this.

Then the village should cater to all members equally, not to the family that procreated the most.

It’s pretty equal to share a room, so I don’t see how the in laws aren’t doing that here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

And then avoid it when she doesn't like her college roommate?
The fact that we are normalizing anxiety in an 11 year old whose biggest problem is rooming with a cousin on vacation just blows my mind.
Does she have a diagnosis OP? Is she medicated and/or seeing a therapist? Her dh clearly thinks she's coddling her and I would agree based on the info provided. If she's getting mental health treatment, then I might change opinions.

She would learn that she does not need to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation and can advocate to change her college roommate.

Not every unpleasant interaction requires a diagnosis. People (adult and young) can simply not get along.

Likely the answer would be no from a college outside of specific reasons, at least for the semester. Advocating isn’t getting.

Learned helplessness at its best.

It’s setting your child up to fail to teach that she will get her way each and every time simply because she “advocates” to change something. Using your voice is a skill but so is accepting the answer no.

These are two different skills. One should always try to get out of an uncomfortable situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love when parents of introverted singletons have so much advice for parenting larger families. They have no idea.

My only advice is that I don’t want to be the proverbial village. You chose your family size, you deal with your kids.

When you choose to share a vacation home with extended family, you are choosing to be part of the village. At least for the duration of that stay. OP chose this.

Then the village should cater to all members equally, not to the family that procreated the most.

It’s pretty equal to share a room, so I don’t see how the in laws aren’t doing that here.

OP is not asking for a separate space for her kid. Her daughter can room with her parents. That would meet her needs and not affect the needs of the other child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter needs to learn to use her voice. "Becky, stop talking - it's time to go to sleep now. I'm not going to respond to you anymore until 8am tomorrow." "Becky, I'm having alone time reading and don't want to play now. Go see if Grandma wants to go exploring with you." "No thanks, I want to sit next to my Dad for this dinner."

Also ok to loop in the child’s parents. “Aunt Susie, Becky has repeatedly asked me to play Monopoly but I’m pretty tired and told her I’d be reading on the porch by myself for a bit. But she keeps asking and asking. Can you talk with her please?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love when parents of introverted singletons have so much advice for parenting larger families. They have no idea.

My only advice is that I don’t want to be the proverbial village. You chose your family size, you deal with your kids.

When you choose to share a vacation home with extended family, you are choosing to be part of the village. At least for the duration of that stay. OP chose this.

Then the village should cater to all members equally, not to the family that procreated the most.

It’s pretty equal to share a room, so I don’t see how the in laws aren’t doing that here.

OP is not asking for a separate space for her kid. Her daughter can room with her parents. That would meet her needs and not affect the needs of the other child.

That would be fine except OP’s husband disagrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love when parents of introverted singletons have so much advice for parenting larger families. They have no idea.

My only advice is that I don’t want to be the proverbial village. You chose your family size, you deal with your kids.

When you choose to share a vacation home with extended family, you are choosing to be part of the village. At least for the duration of that stay. OP chose this.

Then the village should cater to all members equally, not to the family that procreated the most.

It’s pretty equal to share a room, so I don’t see how the in laws aren’t doing that here.

OP is not asking for a separate space for her kid. Her daughter can room with her parents. That would meet her needs and not affect the needs of the other child.

That would be fine except OP’s husband disagrees.

We are giving OP the arguments to convince her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love when parents of introverted singletons have so much advice for parenting larger families. They have no idea.

My only advice is that I don’t want to be the proverbial village. You chose your family size, you deal with your kids.

When you choose to share a vacation home with extended family, you are choosing to be part of the village. At least for the duration of that stay. OP chose this.

Then the village should cater to all members equally, not to the family that procreated the most.

It’s pretty equal to share a room, so I don’t see how the in laws aren’t doing that here.

OP is not asking for a separate space for her kid. Her daughter can room with her parents. That would meet her needs and not affect the needs of the other child.

That would be fine except OP’s husband disagrees.

We are giving OP the arguments to convince her husband.

Maybe he’s right and she needs convincing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

And then avoid it when she doesn't like her college roommate?
The fact that we are normalizing anxiety in an 11 year old whose biggest problem is rooming with a cousin on vacation just blows my mind.
Does she have a diagnosis OP? Is she medicated and/or seeing a therapist? Her dh clearly thinks she's coddling her and I would agree based on the info provided. If she's getting mental health treatment, then I might change opinions.

She would learn that she does not need to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation and can advocate to change her college roommate.

Not every unpleasant interaction requires a diagnosis. People (adult and young) can simply not get along.

Likely the answer would be no from a college outside of specific reasons, at least for the semester. Advocating isn’t getting.

Learned helplessness at its best.

It’s setting your child up to fail to teach that she will get her way each and every time simply because she “advocates” to change something. Using your voice is a skill but so is accepting the answer no.

These are two different skills. One should always try to get out of an uncomfortable situation.

That couldn't be further from the truth. That's when growth happens. It's uncomfortable to speak in public for some. It's uncomfortable to take difficult exams. I would have not accomplish half the stuff I have if I got myself out every time something was "uncomfortable".
This is a pretty normal situation. This is not putting OP's daughter in a hardship. You can't run from everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

Um what?! How do you avoid difficult people? Don't you have inlaws, coworkers, employees, people at your kids' schools?

She does not have to spend meaningful time with the cousin or let cousin be mean to her. She just needs to walk away or tell cousin that she is going to read a book/lay on the beach/play a game with her parents.

That’s exactly her point, she doesn’t have to share 1-2 weeks in the same bedroom with any of these people. OP isn’t saying that her DD won’t go anywhere if the cousin is there. It’s spending the entire vacation staying in the same room with the person.

My suggestion is to go on a vacation not an obligation. Go somewhere where your nuclear family will actually enjoy themselves and not stuck in a crappy beach house with relatives.

That is a sad suggestion. Presumably having a relationship with the cousin is important. You lack the skills to get along with people, so stomp your feet and don't go?

Having a relationship with the cousin is only important if you want it to be. I don’t think vacationing with a PITA cousin is an important life milestone. I manage to have relationships with family members that don’t involve sharing a bedroom. YMMV.

Then OP needs to opt out of family vacations. But since they've chosen to go, they should at least make an effort to get along.