Difficult niece - family trip

[Anonymous]

I probably wouldn’t call her “difficult niece”. She’s 9.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would NOT let two such different children sleep in the same room. It sounds like a pretty awful vacation where you'll need to teach your child to use specific phrases for specific behaviors but also intervene yourself, and then resent your SIL and husband for being willing to let your daughter be harassed.

We know a child like this: she has hyperactive ADHD and anxiety. My daughter, who is shy, introverted and socially anxious, tries to avoid her.

Otherwise it sounds like this: "I need my own space right now. Please leave me alone." And then 5 minutes later "LEAVE ME ALONE" and then 5 minutes later "MOM! LARLA KEEPS PULLING MY HAIR AND WRESTLING ME!" And then Larla's Mom tries to intervene ineffectually, because her daughter is out of control, and one family leaves. There's no way we'd ever do something longer than an hour with them.

Exactly - my daughter has used her voice in the past, asked for some time to herself, explained she didn't want to play hide and seek or whatever game for the 3rd time. Only to be asked over and over 5 minutes later. This is what she is dreading, especially knowing they are supposed to sleep in the same room. The constant need to tell her cousin to give her space, only to say it over and over and over with the same results. Not fun at all for an entire week. (OP, with 2 kids, FWIW).

So why are you going on this miserable trip again? Your daughter wants nothing to do with her cousin. Sound like a lousy trip for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered getting your own motel room for you, your spouse and your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Honestly it sounds like 2 neurodivergent kids who have polar opposite personalities have to find a way to co-exist. OP you need to give as much grace to your niece as you expect for your daughter. Because as you should know some kids just don't pick up on social cues and it's not just "bad parenting" any more than your parenting is bad because your daughter can't go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

Yes. When you rearrange plans and make special trip accommodations you are signaling that she did in fact have something to be anxious about. It validates the anxiety. Yes you need to be sensitive but you can’t rearrange everything in a situation like this that is already safe and normal.

+100

But there is something to be anxious about! The cousins don't get along. Why are we saying there's nothing to be anxious about?

IKR? We accept a DIL being anxious to spend a week with a MIL, but discount kid’s anxiety.

I’d love to be able to skip family vacation because of my MIL, but unfortunately that’s not life. I’ve had to figure out how to deal with her.

Do sleep in the same room as your MIL during your vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

Yes. When you rearrange plans and make special trip accommodations you are signaling that she did in fact have something to be anxious about. It validates the anxiety. Yes you need to be sensitive but you can’t rearrange everything in a situation like this that is already safe and normal.

+100

But there is something to be anxious about! The cousins don't get along. Why are we saying there's nothing to be anxious about?

No, sharing a room with a rambunctious cousin is not a prospect that should impact her quality of life and cause her undue anxiety. It is fine to not like the arrangement but no kid should be worrying about it to this extent. Part of anxiety therapy is naming what you are afraid of and realizing it is not so bad. She doesn’t like the cousin - so what? What will actually happen? She will feel annoyed?? She will be tired? All of these are manageable and not that bad. So this is a chance for the kid to learn to cope with her anxiety in a very safe situation.

No. This is not it. This is a good strategy if you’re anxious you’re going to throw up on a car trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

Yes. When you rearrange plans and make special trip accommodations you are signaling that she did in fact have something to be anxious about. It validates the anxiety. Yes you need to be sensitive but you can’t rearrange everything in a situation like this that is already safe and normal.

+100

But there is something to be anxious about! The cousins don't get along. Why are we saying there's nothing to be anxious about?

IKR? We accept a DIL being anxious to spend a week with a MIL, but discount kid’s anxiety.

I’d love to be able to skip family vacation because of my MIL, but unfortunately that’s not life. I’ve had to figure out how to deal with her.

Do sleep in the same room as your MIL during your vacation?

Haha, good one. PP should try and sleep in the same room then report back about all the inner growth she's done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

You must be the difficult person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

Yes. When you rearrange plans and make special trip accommodations you are signaling that she did in fact have something to be anxious about. It validates the anxiety. Yes you need to be sensitive but you can’t rearrange everything in a situation like this that is already safe and normal.

+100

But there is something to be anxious about! The cousins don't get along. Why are we saying there's nothing to be anxious about?

IKR? We accept a DIL being anxious to spend a week with a MIL, but discount kid’s anxiety.

I’d love to be able to skip family vacation because of my MIL, but unfortunately that’s not life. I’ve had to figure out how to deal with her.

Do sleep in the same room as your MIL during your vacation?

Haha, good one. PP should try and sleep in the same room then report back about all the inner growth she's done.

So I actually have had to when we were dating. I survived. Guarantee OPs neice will at least not make passive aggressive digs at OPs daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it sounds like 2 neurodivergent kids who have polar opposite personalities have to find a way to co-exist. OP you need to give as much grace to your niece as you expect for your daughter. Because as you should know some kids just don't pick up on social cues and it's not just "bad parenting" any more than your parenting is bad because your daughter can't go with the flow.

So much of this. Your title, and the fact that your husband disagrees leads me to believe you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I probably wouldn’t call her “difficult niece”. She’s 9.

She sounds like a normal nine-year-old who wants to have fun with her cousin. The 11 year old sounds like she needs to learn how to be more flexible and learned that everything isn’t all about her all the time. Sometimes you are nice to people you find annoying because that’s the nice thing to do. She needs to learn that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

Yes. When you rearrange plans and make special trip accommodations you are signaling that she did in fact have something to be anxious about. It validates the anxiety. Yes you need to be sensitive but you can’t rearrange everything in a situation like this that is already safe and normal.

+100

But there is something to be anxious about! The cousins don't get along. Why are we saying there's nothing to be anxious about?

IKR? We accept a DIL being anxious to spend a week with a MIL, but discount kid’s anxiety.

I’d love to be able to skip family vacation because of my MIL, but unfortunately that’s not life. I’ve had to figure out how to deal with her.

Do sleep in the same room as your MIL during your vacation?

Haha, good one. PP should try and sleep in the same room then report back about all the inner growth she's done.

So I actually have had to when we were dating. I survived. Guarantee OPs neice will at least not make passive aggressive digs at OPs daughter.

The woman had to sleep with her MIL so everyone should sleep with their mother in law? What kind of fakakta thread is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

Yes. When you rearrange plans and make special trip accommodations you are signaling that she did in fact have something to be anxious about. It validates the anxiety. Yes you need to be sensitive but you can’t rearrange everything in a situation like this that is already safe and normal.

+100

But there is something to be anxious about! The cousins don't get along. Why are we saying there's nothing to be anxious about?

IKR? We accept a DIL being anxious to spend a week with a MIL, but discount kid’s anxiety.

I’d love to be able to skip family vacation because of my MIL, but unfortunately that’s not life. I’ve had to figure out how to deal with her.

Do sleep in the same room as your MIL during your vacation?

Haha, good one. PP should try and sleep in the same room then report back about all the inner growth she's done.

So I actually have had to when we were dating. I survived. Guarantee OPs neice will at least not make passive aggressive digs at OPs daughter.

The woman had to sleep with her MIL so everyone should sleep with their mother in law? What kind of fakakta thread is this?

Yes, OP should sleep with her MIL, and her daughter with the annoying cousin. According to the PPs this setup is akin to a retreat for spiritual growth.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone who said to let her sleep in your room or whatever to make sure she gets enough sleep because it’s so miserable to be exhausted for your whole vacation. I love my niece dearly but we won’t let her and DD share a room because she’s a terrible sleeper especially away from home. Like get up for the day at 3AM terrible.

I think encouraging your DD to deal politely during the day is the right thing too, but also letting her use your room as a retreat if necessary. I’m quite introverted and really like an hour to myself every day even around people I love. During college (since that’s exactly the same, ha,) I would read at a coffee shop or stagger my sleep schedule or whatever to make it possible but a 11 year old has those options.

My kid is the super excited, extroverted (ADHD too!) one in our group and I try to take her out several times every vacation just the two of us because it’s nice to have time with just her and also because I know she gots overwhelming. It’s fine, you can love someone and not want to spend every waking hour with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I probably wouldn’t call her “difficult niece”. She’s 9.

i feel for your daughter, but I'm with this poster. You're already assuming there will be a problem. She's a 9 year old. would you like your family labeling your daughter as rigid and uptight? They're just different.

As I tell my kids, we all have our "things"