Difficult niece - family trip

[Anonymous]

I would insist on separate bedtimes. Use the age as an excuse. 9 year old goes to bed at say, 8 pm and your daughter’s bedtime can be closer to 10. That way, the younger child is quiet and asleep by the time your child enters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

Yes. When you rearrange plans and make special trip accommodations you are signaling that she did in fact have something to be anxious about. It validates the anxiety. Yes you need to be sensitive but you can’t rearrange everything in a situation like this that is already safe and normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

You've never had a job then? Terrible advice. It's a big wide world. An 11 year old needs to learn to adapt.

Nope very successful in my career. It's easy these days to self select into roles with autonomy if you know that's something you care about and work for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is very hard if you need sleep to be in a room with someone that doesn’t. I would simply make other sleeping arrangements. For the daytime stuff, I think your daughter needs to build skills on working it out. But the sleep thing is just too important not to make some switch.

I agree with this. It’s a vacation, it’s supposed to be enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

(OP) Enabling may be the wrong word here. There is just an overall lack of discipline. They have 3 kids which is more than they can handle. When their kids are occupied, they are happy...

It could just as easily be that your family is used to a quieter, more introverted one-child household and not a more rambunctious, 3-kid one. This is just as much about you as it is your in laws’ family. We aren’t talking about a child bully or mean kid here, just one used to company who isn’t picking up one cues. That’s not a discipline issue, it’s a redirect/coaching one. You seem judgmental here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

Um what?! How do you avoid difficult people? Don't you have inlaws, coworkers, employees, people at your kids' schools?

She does not have to spend meaningful time with the cousin or let cousin be mean to her. She just needs to walk away or tell cousin that she is going to read a book/lay on the beach/play a game with her parents.

That’s exactly her point, she doesn’t have to share 1-2 weeks in the same bedroom with any of these people. OP isn’t saying that her DD won’t go anywhere if the cousin is there. It’s spending the entire vacation staying in the same room with the person.

My suggestion is to go on a vacation not an obligation. Go somewhere where your nuclear family will actually enjoy themselves and not stuck in a crappy beach house with relatives.

That is a sad suggestion. Presumably having a relationship with the cousin is important. You lack the skills to get along with people, so stomp your feet and don't go?

Having a relationship with the cousin is only important if you want it to be. I don’t think vacationing with a PITA cousin is an important life milestone. I manage to have relationships with family members that don’t involve sharing a bedroom. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

You've never had a job then? Terrible advice. It's a big wide world. An 11 year old needs to learn to adapt.

Nope very successful in my career. It's easy these days to self select into roles with autonomy if you know that's something you care about and work for it.

Can’t agree with you more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

And then avoid it when she doesn't like her college roommate?
The fact that we are normalizing anxiety in an 11 year old whose biggest problem is rooming with a cousin on vacation just blows my mind.
Does she have a diagnosis OP? Is she medicated and/or seeing a therapist? Her dh clearly thinks she's coddling her and I would agree based on the info provided. If she's getting mental health treatment, then I might change opinions.

She would learn that she does not need to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation and can advocate to change her college roommate.

Not every unpleasant interaction requires a diagnosis. People (adult and young) can simply not get along.

[Anonymous]

I love when parents of introverted singletons have so much advice for parenting larger families. They have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

And then avoid it when she doesn't like her college roommate?
The fact that we are normalizing anxiety in an 11 year old whose biggest problem is rooming with a cousin on vacation just blows my mind.
Does she have a diagnosis OP? Is she medicated and/or seeing a therapist? Her dh clearly thinks she's coddling her and I would agree based on the info provided. If she's getting mental health treatment, then I might change opinions.

She would learn that she does not need to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation and can advocate to change her college roommate.

Not every unpleasant interaction requires a diagnosis. People (adult and young) can simply not get along.

An 11yo child on vacation is different from an 18yo college student. Do you not get that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would insist on separate bedtimes. Use the age as an excuse. 9 year old goes to bed at say, 8 pm and your daughter’s bedtime can be closer to 10. That way, the younger child is quiet and asleep by the time your child enters.

Um, no , she can't tell her niece what time for bed. Its vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

And then avoid it when she doesn't like her college roommate?
The fact that we are normalizing anxiety in an 11 year old whose biggest problem is rooming with a cousin on vacation just blows my mind.
Does she have a diagnosis OP? Is she medicated and/or seeing a therapist? Her dh clearly thinks she's coddling her and I would agree based on the info provided. If she's getting mental health treatment, then I might change opinions.

She would learn that she does not need to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation and can advocate to change her college roommate.

Not every unpleasant interaction requires a diagnosis. People (adult and young) can simply not get along.

Likely the answer would be no from a college outside of specific reasons, at least for the semester. Advocating isn’t getting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love when parents of introverted singletons have so much advice for parenting larger families. They have no idea.

My only advice is that I don’t want to be the proverbial village. You chose your family size, you deal with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would insist on separate bedtimes. Use the age as an excuse. 9 year old goes to bed at say, 8 pm and your daughter’s bedtime can be closer to 10. That way, the younger child is quiet and asleep by the time your child enters.

Um, no , she can't tell her niece what time for bed. Its vacation.

The insisting would be with the parent (SIL) not the niece directly. Part of sharing a bedroom is making sure everyone can settle down. Trying to get multiple kids to sleep at the same time can be a nightmare - splitting up the times helps a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love when parents of introverted singletons have so much advice for parenting larger families. They have no idea.

My only advice is that I don’t want to be the proverbial village. You chose your family size, you deal with your kids.

When you choose to share a vacation home with extended family, you are choosing to be part of the village. At least for the duration of that stay. OP chose this.