Difficult niece - family trip

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s been said already, but it sounds like just as your daughter has mild special needs in regard to anxiety, your niece also has mild special needs in regard to personal space, reading people, and boundaries. The way you describe her she sounds very much like a child with ADHD. Considering she’s even younger than your daughter, I would try to be a little kinder in your thinking. You are framing it as entirely about her behavior (and her parents’ parenting) when your child’s sensitivity and lack of flexibility is also part of the issue.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

Acting in the interest of your child is not enabling.

So how is SIL an enabler. she's doing the same. Why should she tamper down her outgoing child any more than OP should encourage her daughter to get out of her comfort zone?

The difference is that SIL is doing it at the expense of OP’s kid. To not be an enabler, SIL should entertain her outgoing kid herself.

OPs kid being unfriendly and standoffish is a bummer and her mother isn't encouraging her to get along. They should just not all vacation together.

SIL with an unruly kid has entered the chat

So don't go. What's the problem? This sounds like a drag for everyone.

There are many options between not going and being miserable on a trip.

[Anonymous]

Why can't everyone be direct? Sit down and talk to the girls about both of their needs. The 9 year old is probably clueless. Tell her your daughter needs space sometimes, especially at night. And then remind her when she is again becoming too much? I don't understand why no one is direct with kids anymore. And OP your daughter is now 11 and yes she needs to learn how to deal with life and you coming to the rescue all of the time is not helping her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it’s been said already, but it sounds like just as your daughter has mild special needs in regard to anxiety, your niece also has mild special needs in regard to personal space, reading people, and boundaries. The way you describe her she sounds very much like a child with ADHD. Considering she’s even younger than your daughter, I would try to be a little kinder in your thinking. You are framing it as entirely about her behavior (and her parents’ parenting) when your child’s sensitivity and lack of flexibility is also part of the issue.

OP, take the advice above and make it about your kid. Tell your ILs that your kid has extra need for peace and quiet and is still learning to be more outgoing. Due to these needs she’ll need to room with you. Since the niece is more extroverted, ILs need to redirect her attention to other things to help not overwhelm your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

You've never had a job then? Terrible advice. It's a big wide world. An 11 year old needs to learn to adapt.

There is a huge difference between adapting to an office environment and sleeping in the same room as someone. Tell me, do you share a hotel room with a colleague during a conference?!

[Anonymous]

It is very hard if you need sleep to be in a room with someone that doesn’t. I would simply make other sleeping arrangements. For the daytime stuff, I think your daughter needs to build skills on working it out. But the sleep thing is just too important not to make some switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

Both parents don’t agree with this approach.

[Anonymous]

I would

- talk to your SIL and BIL ahead of time. Your niece will need to be reigned in sometimes. If they won't do it you need to. Have a set time at night when noise in the bedroom stops and the kids no longer interact or disturb each other.

- talk to your dd, outline a plan. She needs to spend some time with her cousin. Come up with steps to take when she's had enough: tell her cousin "I'm going to do X on my own for a while". Provide her with options. Noise canceling headphones and permission to hang out in your room alone for a while. Maybe 30 minutes? Make it clear that she is not disturbed.

- as a back up, take an air mattress and sleeping bag. If your niece can't let your dd sleep, then dd can go into your room.

Your dd needs ways to deal with this, not avoid it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

This, exactly. I don't think you're doing her any favors. It sounds like it's "anxiety" when it's something she doesn't want to do. Like she's got anxiety about sharing a room.

They can avoid the whole thing by not having the girls share a room. They can always move them together, if the girls get along well this year.

And then avoid it when she doesn't like her college roommate?
The fact that we are normalizing anxiety in an 11 year old whose biggest problem is rooming with a cousin on vacation just blows my mind.
Does she have a diagnosis OP? Is she medicated and/or seeing a therapist? Her dh clearly thinks she's coddling her and I would agree based on the info provided. If she's getting mental health treatment, then I might change opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your niece lacks self awareness because she is only 9! It sounds like she loves her older cousin and wants to spend time with her. Give her some grace! Tracy your daughter to ask for space with kindness. ‘I love playing with you, Larla, but I need some space. I am going to go read in my parents room for an hour.’ She can set boundaries and advocate for herself without being a jerk about it. 9 and 11 are old enough that they can work it out.

Agree with everyone else that your 11 year old needs to learn to be with other people, especially family. I would let her hang out in your room when she needs a break, but she should learn to share a bedroom for just a week. Some day she will go to college or live with friends, does she ever have sleepovers? Bring a white noise machine, or ear plugs. She seems a little old for you to be giving in her to all the time.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

Um what?! How do you avoid difficult people? Don't you have inlaws, coworkers, employees, people at your kids' schools?

She does not have to spend meaningful time with the cousin or let cousin be mean to her. She just needs to walk away or tell cousin that she is going to read a book/lay on the beach/play a game with her parents.

That’s exactly her point, she doesn’t have to share 1-2 weeks in the same bedroom with any of these people. OP isn’t saying that her DD won’t go anywhere if the cousin is there. It’s spending the entire vacation staying in the same room with the person.

My suggestion is to go on a vacation not an obligation. Go somewhere where your nuclear family will actually enjoy themselves and not stuck in a crappy beach house with relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

You completely lost me here. There are two parents but only SIL is the problem? Give me a break.
My guess is they are talking about YOU enabling your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

Um what?! How do you avoid difficult people? Don't you have inlaws, coworkers, employees, people at your kids' schools?

She does not have to spend meaningful time with the cousin or let cousin be mean to her. She just needs to walk away or tell cousin that she is going to read a book/lay on the beach/play a game with her parents.

That’s exactly her point, she doesn’t have to share 1-2 weeks in the same bedroom with any of these people. OP isn’t saying that her DD won’t go anywhere if the cousin is there. It’s spending the entire vacation staying in the same room with the person.

My suggestion is to go on a vacation not an obligation. Go somewhere where your nuclear family will actually enjoy themselves and not stuck in a crappy beach house with relatives.

That is a sad suggestion. Presumably having a relationship with the cousin is important. You lack the skills to get along with people, so stomp your feet and don't go?