Difficult niece - family trip

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old niece lacks self-awareness and does not leave my 11 year old daughter alone (my daughter is very introverted with anxiety who needs her space).

We have a big family trip coming up and I just learned the two of them are supposed to share a bedroom. My daughter is dreading this, to the point she doesn't want to go on the vacation. She can only handle her cousin in small doses, and this will be an entire week. My SIL doesn't discipline her or teach her how to take clues of when to back off.

My DH says this is just part of life and our daughter will have to learn how to deal with it. I'm of the mindset that yes, this is part of life, and our niece needs to learn when it's time to leave people alone.

I'm concerned, my daughter already has anxiety issues and this is going to be so tough for her. Should I address this with my SIL? or just wait and deal with it as things unfold?

[Anonymous]

Agree with your husband. Buy noise canceling headphones for your daughter, encourage self advocacy and make sure she knows she can retreat to your own bedroom if she needs some space to regroup. Part of growing up is learning to adjust to others and also learning how to speak up for your own needs, and age 11 isn’t too young for that in this kind of low stakes situation.

[Anonymous]

I am on your DH's side. Your daughter is at an age where she needs to learn to use her own voice/autonomy and set boundaries.

If she doesn't want her younger cousin bothering her she should communicate that to her directly.

Being able to deal with others who are different from her (extroverted, noisy, less mature, etc.) is something your daughter has to adjust to.

[Anonymous]

Your 11 year old needs to learn to adjust.

[Anonymous]

-Your 11 year old needs to learn to advocate for herself
-You and your dh can step in if you see that the niece is driving her crazy
-You can talk to your SIL
-You can put a sleeping bag in your room for her

I think avoiding awkward situations actually increases anxiety in the long run. Give her tools to deal with it and she will see that's it's not as bad as she pictured in her mind.

[Anonymous]

The cousin might also have anxiety, just manifesting itself differently. Your daughter needs to learn how to use her words -- enabling her isn't doing her any favors. But also the adults need to provide much more structure. Sitting around with nothing to do it really difficult, especially for people like your daughter and your niece, with lagging social skills. So make sure there is plenty to do, including when you all are home together.

[Anonymous]

Looks like it's unanimous LOL!

Thank you all - I need to help her learn how to advocate for herself. She will likely be in our bedroom though - my niece also never sleeps and my daughter is a big sleeper. they are complete opposites.

[Anonymous]

I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone else about your daughter learning to advocate for herself and interact with people who are different from her (I've got a kid with anxiety also so I know it's not easy but it's good for them -- probably all of us, tbh, -- to leave their comfort zone).

Am also curious if niece has a father who will be there and if so, why is this all SIL's fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

You've never had a job then? Terrible advice. It's a big wide world. An 11 year old needs to learn to adapt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

No annoying roommates in college? No difficult coworkers or inlaws? You've led a charmed life, OP! But who knows, maybe there'll be someone in the nursing home who is difficult to get along with.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar cousin dynamic, and my child is similar to your 11 YO, but I don't blame my niece who is excited to spend time with her older cousin. This isn't an issue of right/wrong, but an extroverted younger cousin and an introverted/anxious older cousin. Your post is pretty unkind about your niece and SIL.

I try to carve out some time for my DD to have alone time, even if I have to take her on an "errand" with me to get her out of the house. I also try to directly engage with my niece so that she is getting some attention from someone other than my DD. And there is some amount of sucking it up that my DD is expected to do.

For a week long vacation, I would try to work with the adults and your DD to come up with a loose schedule that you can follow that sets aside specific "cousin" time and then sets out alone time. Seeing the schedule can help your niece know when she will get to play with her big cousin. Let your DD use your room to decompress in when she needs alone time.

[Anonymous]

I’m not in agreement. Is there anything else that can be worked out? Why is this just being found out now if you knew this was an issue? If your DH is so cool, let him room
With the niece. I’m joking but seriously if it is so bad what can be done. Would you want to go on vacation and room with someone you had friction with for a week?

[Anonymous]

My kids know they can always sleep on the floor in my room, anywhere we go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

Um what?! How do you avoid difficult people? Don't you have inlaws, coworkers, employees, people at your kids' schools?

She does not have to spend meaningful time with the cousin or let cousin be mean to her. She just needs to walk away or tell cousin that she is going to read a book/lay on the beach/play a game with her parents.