Difficult niece - family trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

Acting in the interest of your child is not enabling.

So how is SIL an enabler. she's doing the same. Why should she tamper down her outgoing child any more than OP should encourage her daughter to get out of her comfort zone?

The difference is that SIL is doing it at the expense of OP’s kid. To not be an enabler, SIL should entertain her outgoing kid herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. The trip should be pleasant and relaxing for everyone, including OP’s daughter. She’ll get plenty of life lessons, I don’t see a point of teaching her those lesson on vacation. OP, you need to advocate for your kid.

What is there to advocate for? OP has no control over her niece or her niece's behavior.

To advocate that her daughter rooms with her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

(OP) Enabling may be the wrong word here. There is just an overall lack of discipline. They have 3 kids which is more than they can handle. When their kids are occupied, they are happy...

If there is an 'overall lack of discipline' why are you blaming one parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

Acting in the interest of your child is not enabling.

So how is SIL an enabler. she's doing the same. Why should she tamper down her outgoing child any more than OP should encourage her daughter to get out of her comfort zone?

The difference is that SIL is doing it at the expense of OP’s kid. To not be an enabler, SIL should entertain her outgoing kid herself.

OPs kid being unfriendly and standoffish is a bummer and her mother isn't encouraging her to get along. They should just not all vacation together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old niece lacks self-awareness and does not leave my 11 year old daughter alone (my daughter is very introverted with anxiety who needs her space).

We have a big family trip coming up and I just learned the two of them are supposed to share a bedroom. My daughter is dreading this, to the point she doesn't want to go on the vacation. She can only handle her cousin in small doses, and this will be an entire week. My SIL doesn't discipline her or teach her how to take clues of when to back off.

My DH says this is just part of life and our daughter will have to learn how to deal with it. I'm of the mindset that yes, this is part of life, and our niece needs to learn when it's time to leave people alone.

I'm concerned, my daughter already has anxiety issues and this is going to be so tough for her. Should I address this with my SIL? or just wait and deal with it as things unfold?

You have no control over the niece. Even if your way would work better, it’s not possible. So work the problem where you can, which is your daughter.

Also, I think your plan sends the message to you daughter that she is fragile, incapable, and can’t do hard things. Give her tools and expect her to use them to send a message that you see her as capable and strong.

I last thing I’d want to do on vacation is to learn to overcome hardships.

That's the fun of extended family vacations.

The kid will get plenty of such fun in the adulthood, especially after getting married. Why speed up things.

[Anonymous]

Build in some down time for your DD where she can be alone every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

Acting in the interest of your child is not enabling.

So how is SIL an enabler. she's doing the same. Why should she tamper down her outgoing child any more than OP should encourage her daughter to get out of her comfort zone?

The difference is that SIL is doing it at the expense of OP’s kid. To not be an enabler, SIL should entertain her outgoing kid herself.

OPs kid being unfriendly and standoffish is a bummer and her mother isn't encouraging her to get along. They should just not all vacation together.

SIL with an unruly kid has entered the chat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old niece lacks self-awareness and does not leave my 11 year old daughter alone (my daughter is very introverted with anxiety who needs her space).

We have a big family trip coming up and I just learned the two of them are supposed to share a bedroom. My daughter is dreading this, to the point she doesn't want to go on the vacation. She can only handle her cousin in small doses, and this will be an entire week. My SIL doesn't discipline her or teach her how to take clues of when to back off.

My DH says this is just part of life and our daughter will have to learn how to deal with it. I'm of the mindset that yes, this is part of life, and our niece needs to learn when it's time to leave people alone.

I'm concerned, my daughter already has anxiety issues and this is going to be so tough for her. Should I address this with my SIL? or just wait and deal with it as things unfold?

You have no control over the niece. Even if your way would work better, it’s not possible. So work the problem where you can, which is your daughter.

Also, I think your plan sends the message to you daughter that she is fragile, incapable, and can’t do hard things. Give her tools and expect her to use them to send a message that you see her as capable and strong.

I last thing I’d want to do on vacation is to learn to overcome hardships.

That's the fun of extended family vacations.

The kid will get plenty of such fun in the adulthood, especially after getting married. Why speed up things.

Why is OP going on this trip? She's clearly sneering at her in-laws who are lively and like to have fun. Stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with your husband. Buy noise canceling headphones for your daughter, encourage self advocacy and make sure she knows she can retreat to your own bedroom if she needs some space to regroup. Part of growing up is learning to adjust to others and also learning how to speak up for your own needs, and age 11 isn’t too young for that in this kind of low stakes situation.

This is good advice.

Give your DD chances to take some space from her cousin. Plan some outings without the cousin (maybe just and you and DD) and give your daughter some gentle language to use with the 9 year old.

It's also ok to say "hey 9YO, Larla needs some quiet time right now, why don't you come help me with this puzzle/go on a walk/play this game with me?". But if your solution is for the 9YO to suddenly figure this out, that's not going to work. You need to be kind and direct when she has to leave the 11 YO alone. Don't wait for her to "get the hint". She's 9. She needs direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

Acting in the interest of your child is not enabling.

So how is SIL an enabler. she's doing the same. Why should she tamper down her outgoing child any more than OP should encourage her daughter to get out of her comfort zone?

The difference is that SIL is doing it at the expense of OP’s kid. To not be an enabler, SIL should entertain her outgoing kid herself.

OPs kid being unfriendly and standoffish is a bummer and her mother isn't encouraging her to get along. They should just not all vacation together.

SIL with an unruly kid has entered the chat

So don't go. What's the problem? This sounds like a drag for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

This, exactly.

[Anonymous]

OP, you make out your daughter to be completely helpless in this scenario. She's 11! She can brainstorm ways to make this better for herself. It's not a binary go/no-go on vacation decision scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old niece lacks self-awareness and does not leave my 11 year old daughter alone (my daughter is very introverted with anxiety who needs her space).

We have a big family trip coming up and I just learned the two of them are supposed to share a bedroom. My daughter is dreading this, to the point she doesn't want to go on the vacation. She can only handle her cousin in small doses, and this will be an entire week. My SIL doesn't discipline her or teach her how to take clues of when to back off.

My DH says this is just part of life and our daughter will have to learn how to deal with it. I'm of the mindset that yes, this is part of life, and our niece needs to learn when it's time to leave people alone.

I'm concerned, my daughter already has anxiety issues and this is going to be so tough for her. Should I address this with my SIL? or just wait and deal with it as things unfold?

You have no control over the niece. Even if your way would work better, it’s not possible. So work the problem where you can, which is your daughter.

Also, I think your plan sends the message to you daughter that she is fragile, incapable, and can’t do hard things. Give her tools and expect her to use them to send a message that you see her as capable and strong.

I last thing I’d want to do on vacation is to learn to overcome hardships.

That's the fun of extended family vacations.

The kid will get plenty of such fun in the adulthood, especially after getting married. Why speed up things.

Why is OP going on this trip? She's clearly sneering at her in-laws who are lively and like to have fun. Stay home.

ILs should hire a nanny, not rely on a cousin to babysit their kid.

[Anonymous]

The majority of these responses are ridiculous. They’re clearly parents of “extroverted,” “spirited” (obnoxious) children.

OP, at least let your kid sleep in your room from the first day on. Being sleep deprived from rooming with a hyper, attention seeking, non-parented brat who doesn’t sleep will make it a miserable vacation for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Definitely time to rethink extended family trips.