Difficult niece - family trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old niece lacks self-awareness and does not leave my 11 year old daughter alone (my daughter is very introverted with anxiety who needs her space).

We have a big family trip coming up and I just learned the two of them are supposed to share a bedroom. My daughter is dreading this, to the point she doesn't want to go on the vacation. She can only handle her cousin in small doses, and this will be an entire week. My SIL doesn't discipline her or teach her how to take clues of when to back off.

My DH says this is just part of life and our daughter will have to learn how to deal with it. I'm of the mindset that yes, this is part of life, and our niece needs to learn when it's time to leave people alone.

I'm concerned, my daughter already has anxiety issues and this is going to be so tough for her. Should I address this with my SIL? or just wait and deal with it as things unfold?

Do you teach your daughter cues on how to tell people when she needs space? Are you doing your job as a parent?

[Anonymous]

Your niece lacks self awareness because she is only 9! It sounds like she loves her older cousin and wants to spend time with her. Give her some grace! Tracy your daughter to ask for space with kindness. ‘I love playing with you, Larla, but I need some space. I am going to go read in my parents room for an hour.’ She can set boundaries and advocate for herself without being a jerk about it. 9 and 11 are old enough that they can work it out.

Agree with everyone else that your 11 year old needs to learn to be with other people, especially family. I would let her hang out in your room when she needs a break, but she should learn to share a bedroom for just a week. Some day she will go to college or live with friends, does she ever have sleepovers? Bring a white noise machine, or ear plugs. She seems a little old for you to be giving in her to all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

[Anonymous]

I disagree. The trip should be pleasant and relaxing for everyone, including OP’s daughter. She’ll get plenty of life lessons, I don’t see a point of teaching her those lesson on vacation. OP, you need to advocate for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old niece lacks self-awareness and does not leave my 11 year old daughter alone (my daughter is very introverted with anxiety who needs her space).

We have a big family trip coming up and I just learned the two of them are supposed to share a bedroom. My daughter is dreading this, to the point she doesn't want to go on the vacation. She can only handle her cousin in small doses, and this will be an entire week. My SIL doesn't discipline her or teach her how to take clues of when to back off.

My DH says this is just part of life and our daughter will have to learn how to deal with it. I'm of the mindset that yes, this is part of life, and our niece needs to learn when it's time to leave people alone.

I'm concerned, my daughter already has anxiety issues and this is going to be so tough for her. Should I address this with my SIL? or just wait and deal with it as things unfold?

You have no control over the niece. Even if your way would work better, it’s not possible. So work the problem where you can, which is your daughter.

Also, I think your plan sends the message to you daughter that she is fragile, incapable, and can’t do hard things. Give her tools and expect her to use them to send a message that you see her as capable and strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

Acting in the interest of your child is not enabling.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the other posters. You should let your DC share the room so they can figure out how to handle their cousin: you’ll be around to give advice or intervene if needed, so it will be a safe environment for your DC learn important social skills. They have to learn how to stand on their own.

[Anonymous]

She can sleep in your rom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old niece lacks self-awareness and does not leave my 11 year old daughter alone (my daughter is very introverted with anxiety who needs her space).

We have a big family trip coming up and I just learned the two of them are supposed to share a bedroom. My daughter is dreading this, to the point she doesn't want to go on the vacation. She can only handle her cousin in small doses, and this will be an entire week. My SIL doesn't discipline her or teach her how to take clues of when to back off.

My DH says this is just part of life and our daughter will have to learn how to deal with it. I'm of the mindset that yes, this is part of life, and our niece needs to learn when it's time to leave people alone.

I'm concerned, my daughter already has anxiety issues and this is going to be so tough for her. Should I address this with my SIL? or just wait and deal with it as things unfold?

You have no control over the niece. Even if your way would work better, it’s not possible. So work the problem where you can, which is your daughter.

Also, I think your plan sends the message to you daughter that she is fragile, incapable, and can’t do hard things. Give her tools and expect her to use them to send a message that you see her as capable and strong.

I last thing I’d want to do on vacation is to learn to overcome hardships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

(OP) Enabling may be the wrong word here. There is just an overall lack of discipline. They have 3 kids which is more than they can handle. When their kids are occupied, they are happy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should let her just bunk with you. Growing up, people always said things like this - you'll have to learn to deal with difficult people, etc. Now, in adulthood, I find that's simply not true. I never have to sleep in the same room as or spend any meaningful time with people who are mean/frustrating, etc. I can just avoid them, and have autonomy to do so. There's no need to make her uncomfortable on a vacation - its a vacation!

very true - thanks. I do think the sleeping arrangement is what is bothering my daughter the most. She likes her sleep and finds the downtime incredibly necessary on a trip like this (there will be 16 people total). She'll be in our bedroom.

Yes, the BIL is also in the picture. But he's not the enabler.

There's more than one enabler in this situation.

Acting in the interest of your child is not enabling.

So how is SIL an enabler. she's doing the same. Why should she tamper down her outgoing child any more than OP should encourage her daughter to get out of her comfort zone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old niece lacks self-awareness and does not leave my 11 year old daughter alone (my daughter is very introverted with anxiety who needs her space).

We have a big family trip coming up and I just learned the two of them are supposed to share a bedroom. My daughter is dreading this, to the point she doesn't want to go on the vacation. She can only handle her cousin in small doses, and this will be an entire week. My SIL doesn't discipline her or teach her how to take clues of when to back off.

My DH says this is just part of life and our daughter will have to learn how to deal with it. I'm of the mindset that yes, this is part of life, and our niece needs to learn when it's time to leave people alone.

I'm concerned, my daughter already has anxiety issues and this is going to be so tough for her. Should I address this with my SIL? or just wait and deal with it as things unfold?

You have no control over the niece. Even if your way would work better, it’s not possible. So work the problem where you can, which is your daughter.

Also, I think your plan sends the message to you daughter that she is fragile, incapable, and can’t do hard things. Give her tools and expect her to use them to send a message that you see her as capable and strong.

I last thing I’d want to do on vacation is to learn to overcome hardships.

That's the fun of extended family vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. The trip should be pleasant and relaxing for everyone, including OP’s daughter. She’ll get plenty of life lessons, I don’t see a point of teaching her those lesson on vacation. OP, you need to advocate for your kid.

What is there to advocate for? OP has no control over her niece or her niece's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Wouldn’t want to be on that trip!