Spouses of big law partners/lawyers
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Anonymous
That person was great. |
Anonymous
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My DH is a biglaw partner and I have a very flexible but rewarding full-time position in academia. I would never give up my job because it is important for my identity, so we make it work in other ways. It's all about what you value/prioritize and how you want your DH to spend his very limited free time. I personally care more about freeing up DH to spend time us than having him help out on household tasks, so managing the outsourcing to facilitate this doesn't make me resentful.
You can outsource a lot more than you currently are. We do: -cleaners -landscaping/yard work fully outsourced -automate where feasible like household essentials on subscription, meal kits, bills on autopay and calendar alerts for everything else like seasonal or routine home maintenance, well checks, etc -nanny M-F, and I am able to end my day by 4pm most days or I would have a second nanny shift -hire extra help for evenings and weekends if you need it -in our case, we are really lucky to have involved grandparents nearby who help with sick days -limiting the number of ECs at a given time and trying to coordinate the activities between kids like stacking music lessons with the same teacher. I love this last one because I get 1:1 time with both kids during the other one's lesson and I only do one day of driving for both lessons. I also currently have a college student who comes over Saturday and Sunday from 9-3 to help me. I value time with my kids so she mostly does errands, organizing and household tasks but sometimes I use the time to exercise or go on a brunch date with DH and she does a fun activity with the kids. It has made me much more relaxed and less tired by the end of the weekend. |
Anonymous
Quoted PP here. I understand where you’re coming from to a point (I, in fact, make it work on a fraction of the income) but I still don’t think the nastiness directed at OP is warranted. People forget so easily that there is a human being on the side of the post. Putting household help into place takes work that can feel impossible when you are already burnt out. There is a gentler way to give feedback. |
Anonymous
I also think that hiring help is hard? We have tried multiple laundry services and they have all been disappointing in various ways (had a great one where we used to live so I know it is possible!) and had a housekeeper (who came recommended) ruin precious baby photos. I struggle to trust child care out of organized settings because so many people have told me their nanny horror stories and I have seen some shitty nanny behavior with my own eyes (like a little girl who tried to leave a play space with my daughter and I because her nanny wasn’t even there, she was sitting on her phone 20 feet away from the entrance ignoring her and if I hadn’t walked her back, she definitely was out of there). It’s definitely all easier now my kids are a little older but when I had toddlers it was hard especially. If her husband was doing the work to find and vet all this help that would be one thing but it’s not like you can just wave a wand and throw money in the air and get boat loads of good help. And then you have someone great and they move or whatever. It’s not the same as having a partner. |
Anonymous
This is all true and is frequently glossed over by DCUM. If outsourcing worked as well as DCUMers seem to believe, my life would be a dream. |
Anonymous
Yes!!! One of the PPs defensive of OP here. I guess this is what I am getting at. I have had multiple nannies. One was absolutely terrible and lying to us about significant things regarding the care of our teeny baby, despite having had tons of amazing references. One was great, but managing her was a part-time job. And one was absolutely exceptional, but she kind of fell into our laps and I feel extraordinarily lucky. I current have help with laundry (life changing, highly recommend) but I only found it through a friend whose nanny needed extra hours. I have waded through care.com without help from my DH because he is not great at these things, and it was a huge and burdensome task. That doesn't mean OP shouldn't try, but I think it's nasty to mock someone who is clearly struggling for being hesitant to jumping into another big emotional labor task. |
Anonymous
People are not mocking OP. They are telling her the truth. I too have struggled to find good childcare and other outsourcing help. My DH also doesn't help with that stuff at all. But my DH also doesn't make 550k a year. I think the point of the criticism is that OP's problems are not unique -- lots of women in dual income couples deal with this. But she's framing it as "this is uniquely hard because of DH's job" and is missing that her DH's income actually makes it all easier. I have tons of empathy for women trying to make it all work with kids, a job, and an unhelpful spouse. But OP's spouse is more helpful than most, in that he's at least working hard to earn a very good salary for their family that will enable them to hire some of this stuff out (or SAHM if that's what she wanted). Also, OP is being almost intentionally dense about some of this stuff. People have made good, helpful suggestions to her and she's dismissed all of them. People suggested an au pair, she says no room. People have suggested ways to structure finances to afford a nanny and/or housekeeper, she ignores them. Someone suggested she see if she can move to part-time and still keep her benefits since that seems to be her main reason for continuing in this job, and she replied with a non-answer about her work varies a bit in required hours. OP mostly seems to want people to feel sorry for her and agree her DH is a big meany for [checks notes] making 85% of their large income. It's unclear if she thinks this would all be easier if he had a job making 180k and more free time. My guess is that what would happen is that she'd STILL be doing most of the work with the kids and at home, but with far less cash on hadn't to do anything about it. |
Anonymous
Op here - thank you for your post. I think this sums up a lot of my feelings. I know I need help but the finding and managing of the help is exhausting in and of itself. I barely have time to eat let alone add an additional task to my plate. |
Anonymous
And I as well. This is not being harsh on the OP. If she’s even moderately thoughtful ,she’ll be thankful she asked the question because it yielded the advice in this most excellent post. |
Anonymous
There is an age gap here. Partner 50 and up now have SAH spouses. Below 45 spouses work. |
Anonymous
How old are your kids? That’s a very short term solution, assuming they’re going to play sports / have friends |
Anonymous
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OP - not sure if anyone mentioned it, but with three kids and two full time jobs, you need to cut back on your kids' afterschool activities. If I were you, I'd spend some time thinking about where the hours in the day are going and if you can capture any of those back. For example, if you had a nanny, then you wouldn't have to deal with getting the kids ready for daycare in the morning and the travel time to/from daycare. Don't have any afterschool activities during the week unless you have the nanny taking them. Increase your cleaning service to once per week. Order grocery delivery or pick up. Try to get things on a schedule and routinized as much as possible.
I don't resent my husband's long hours because I used to be in big law and I know that you just don't have a choice. Long hours comes with the territory. You and your DH are a team--you are both contributing to the success of your family - you through your job and doing most of the childcare/household stuff and him through his higher paying job. I assume he doesn't resent you for working fewer hours and making less money right? |
Anonymous
They are young, but I dispute your notion that it is short term. Even when we have more activities it will still be 12 hours of household help every weekend. Later on we will come home from a game/practice/playing with friends and can relax instead of grocery shopping, cooking, folding laundry, running errands, or organizing closets. And, if you read my post, we limit the number of ECs, have involved grandparents who help with transport to activites, and have a nanny. |
Anonymous
Not big law, but DH is in a similar position with lots of hours and frequent travel (and high pay). I had a demanding job that was more flexible (e.g. I could start later, WFH a couple days a week, log back in to wrap things up after hours) so I ended up doing pretty much all of the kid, house, non-work life stuff. It worked before COVID with one kid, a nanny, housekeepers, and grandparents who would reliably fly in and stay at our house at least once a month. After we had our second child, we realized it wasn't going to work unless we hired a second nanny/housekeeper (essentially outsourcing our entire role as parents), we both stepped back from our careers (not fulfilling for either of us to do mediocre work but it was an option), I turned into superwoman and no longer needed to sleep at night, or I stopped working. I always vowed not to be one of those women who "wasted" her degrees, but we had to make the decision that was best for our family, and I quit my job when my younger child turned 2. At the time, it was such a hard, emotional choice, but life is much better and less stressful now. Plus, I don't resent my spouse anymore because we are making more equal contributions to our life and feel like a team. |
Anonymous
Don't punish the kids by cutting back activities. Get a nanny. |