Spouses of big law partners/lawyers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny agency here.

SO MANY of my clients have one or both parents in big law. Many still have full time daycare and then they hire an almost full time household manager through me. Typically, this person works 11/12-7/8pm. While the kids are gone they handle all of the background tasks with the goal being if you (and DH) are not working, you can be enjoying your family time. So they do things such as family laundry, errands, grocery shopping, planning and booking travel or activities, buying/wrapping gifts, stocking the household with diapers, tp, baggies, toiletries, etc, making the kids routine doctor and dentist check ups, managing family and school calendars, packing for travel, regular clothes/toy donations, periodically cleaning toys/stroller/high chair/car seats, taking cars for washes and oil changes, making dinner, prepping breakfast so it's grab and go in the morning, etc. Then they do daycare/school pick up and help with the after school dinner, shuffling to activities, baths, etc. Then you likely have built in back up care for sick or no school days as well. It's around $68-75k all in for 30-40 hours per week, employer taxes, payroll and tax services, workers comp policy (if in DC or MD- VA doesn't require it), agency fee.

I need this person. Now. Desperately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always assume people who marry a person who works > 50 hours per week must just not really like each other very much. Who the hell would sign up for a long term relationship where you never see the person, much less with a person who never sees their own children. Nightmare fuel

I agree with this statement. I feel like their love life sucks.

55 hours a week is not bad for me.

I wake up at 4:00 -5:00 am everyday. No alarm needed. I only need 6 hours of sleep. Anymore than that, and I get a head ache.

I work from 4/5 to 7/7:30. My DH and kids wake up around 7:30.

The early morning work gets me an extra 15-20 hours. Add that to a 40 hour regular schedule.

Now these are not big law hours. Biglaw requires way more than 55_60 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny agency here.

SO MANY of my clients have one or both parents in big law. Many still have full time daycare and then they hire an almost full time household manager through me. Typically, this person works 11/12-7/8pm. While the kids are gone they handle all of the background tasks with the goal being if you (and DH) are not working, you can be enjoying your family time. So they do things such as family laundry, errands, grocery shopping, planning and booking travel or activities, buying/wrapping gifts, stocking the household with diapers, tp, baggies, toiletries, etc, making the kids routine doctor and dentist check ups, managing family and school calendars, packing for travel, regular clothes/toy donations, periodically cleaning toys/stroller/high chair/car seats, taking cars for washes and oil changes, making dinner, prepping breakfast so it's grab and go in the morning, etc. Then they do daycare/school pick up and help with the after school dinner, shuffling to activities, baths, etc. Then you likely have built in back up care for sick or no school days as well. It's around $68-75k all in for 30-40 hours per week, employer taxes, payroll and tax services, workers comp policy (if in DC or MD- VA doesn't require it), agency fee.

I need this person. Now. Desperately.

I’ve tried that person, with an agency. So have my friends. It sounds amazing, but hasn’t been for any of us. No one I know has gotten a really good nanny/housekeeper through an agency - it’s just hard to find good help, even if you pay a lot of money (not just the hourly wage, for the agency).

[Anonymous]

Op, I was in similar circumstances a couple of years ago. I work FT, had 3 kids in under 4 years, DH in big law.

The biggest difference is that when we started having kids, DH was at the government making $160K. So when he went back to private practice, our income jumped. So we were used to a tight budget - daycare is super expensive. When he went over it was as counsel, it was at $325k.

DH made equity partner a few years ago and his income has steadily increased. I still work, but now only 30 hrs per week. My job is medium-demanding and I hold our insurance, get a pension, and make about $200K.

I do all the stuff with our kids. It’s hard, although now that they are getting older (oldest is 10), and DH can sometimes work from home, so he can handle the occasional sick day. My kids all have something they have had to do therapy for.

Honestly, I did almost all the stuff with the kids before DH went back to big law. Granted, they were younger, but it wasn’t like he was waking up to unload the dishwasher while I breast fed. The only real new chores I have taken over since he switched back is that I also do all the finances now.

So my DH’s income actually means he is contributing in a way that is super helpful. Not having financial stress is huge. We have weekly cleaners and yard people.

Let me be direct about your situation:

What job do you think your DH could get that would pay your financial obligations (loans, mortgage, childcare) that is 9-5? At least with his current career path, there is the ability ( financially) in a few years for you to SAH.

Are you working more hours (all in - work+kids+house) than your DH? At least at my house, it’s about the same, although I am “on” more on weekends, but he is up late working more on weekdays. If you are both working long hours, are you just grumpy you have to work so hard? Having three kids *is* hard work - that’s a choice you made and have to live with.

If your DH is non-equity, he needs to be working hard to make equity — non-equity (and even equity) is not a secure position if your billable hours are low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always assume people who marry a person who works > 50 hours per week must just not really like each other very much. Who the hell would sign up for a long term relationship where you never see the person, much less with a person who never sees their own children. Nightmare fuel

I agree with this statement. I feel like their love life sucks.

55 hours a week is not bad for me.

I wake up at 4:00 -5:00 am everyday. No alarm needed. I only need 6 hours of sleep. Anymore than that, and I get a head ache.

I work from 4/5 to 7/7:30. My DH and kids wake up around 7:30.

The early morning work gets me an extra 15-20 hours. Add that to a 40 hour regular schedule.

Now these are not big law hours. Biglaw requires way more than 55_60 hours a week.

This is baloney. Big Law might occasionally require more hours than that, but not regularly.

[Anonymous]

If his hours are so tough, can he get a different job, maybe make $250, while you're making your $100, and you can live a simpler quieter life with "only" $350 combined? Would that be ok with you?

No one NEEDS a $650 HHI. But this is what you chased after together. If it no longer works, you need a change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If his hours are so tough, can he get a different job, maybe make $250, while you're making your $100, and you can live a simpler quieter life with "only" $350 combined? Would that be ok with you?

No one NEEDS a $650 HHI. But this is what you chased after together. If it no longer works, you need a change.

The more succinct version of the responses upthread. You can outsource to make your current set up more feasible, but yeah, outsourcing takes energy and oversight too and you have to decide if you are willing to do that. No one can make this decision except OP and her DH, there is no advice to give here because everything is known and it's just about preferences in terms of priorities.

I wonder if the real issue is that OP and her DH are not on the same page in terms of priorities and it's leading to this feeling of being "trapped" when in reality they have more choices and options than like 99% of the world's population. Like maybe OP would really like to quite and SAHM, but it makes her DH uneasy to be the sole breadwinner and he's invented this excuse about health insurance to justify it. Or vice versa -- he doesn't' want to outsource because he really thinks she should just quit and stay home so they don't have to deal with so many logistics.

If they are on the same page, it doesn't make sense that there is even any conflict here because the answer is obvious -- outsource more or quite and SAHM.

[Anonymous]

How to not be resentful of the long hours your spouse works in Big Law? To quote from Mad Men: That's what the money's for!

[Anonymous]

I've noticed the spouses who haven't minded much also (and sadly) don't really like spending as much time with their spouse. They like the lifestyle and mostly do their own thing. A few have worried quite a bit when their spouses decided to retire or take government jobs. One recently divorced too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed the spouses who haven't minded much also (and sadly) don't really like spending as much time with their spouse. They like the lifestyle and mostly do their own thing. A few have worried quite a bit when their spouses decided to retire or take government jobs. One recently divorced too.

+1 unfortunately I haven't seen too many marriages in Big Law or even high-end boutique law where the couples are genuinely happy. They look great on the surface but I've been surprised as I've gotten to know more people in these situations. Things in most of Big Law are haven't been amazing over the last year, which hasn't helped either. Some spouses were more than a little happy for return to office