Spouses of big law partners/lawyers

[Anonymous]

How do you continue to be supportive and not resentful of your spouses work hours? My DH has been in law for the entire time that I have known him. I obviously knew what the gig was before we got married and agreed to it. But over the years I feel like I have become more resentful of how many hours he works and the stress that comes with the job. He has moved up from staff attorney to counsel to partner in the past 12 years and the work hasn't lessened although the comp has gone up.

We have young children (under the age of 8) and I do the majority of the work. I also work fulltime in a flexible 40 hour a week job. I do all of the pick ups and drop offs, sports practices, doctors appointments, school related things. When he has downtime he helps where he can around the house, with the kids, church stuff, etc but when he is busy I know it will inevitably be a 6am-10pm sort of day for him and I will need to take care of everything else.

For those of you have raised kids and been there/done that with spouses in big law how did you handle it? Did you just get used to it over the years? I want to be less resentful and I know that he is doing this to provide a comfortable life for ourselves and our kids but it just gets to be a lot day in and day out.

[Anonymous]

We’ve been married 30 yrs. In that time we’ve had 4 kids, he’s gone from associate to partner, worked govt and also big law. I have worked full time 23 yrs. When I worked full time, I always had full time help. I had a house cleaner and sitter. Sometimes the sitter dropped kids off at after-school activities and I picked up. Sometimes I would take one to piano or violin lessons, leaving sitter with the other kids. I had 4 weeks vacation. She also got 4 weeks. I treated her like a salaried employee but she was more like family, so I never had issues there.

Of course I resented the hours at times, like when I was home with a newborn and he was traveling. I even had to be induced to fit his travel schedule.

But, I also quit my job when I felt like a pizza that had been sliced into too many pieces. I didn’t resent my spouse; I resented my job. So I quit to have more time to balance it all.

As you describe it, you are carrying 100% of the load for the kids. Do you have a sitter? How do you handle summers and sick kids? My sitter was invaluable to us. We couldn’t have done it without her expertise and dedication.

I would recommend trying to reframe or redirect your resentment. You can afford help. If there’s a reason you can’t let go of everything, consider asking why. Otherwise, get help so you and your spouse can support one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 30 yrs. In that time we’ve had 4 kids, he’s gone from associate to partner, worked govt and also big law. I have worked full time 23 yrs. When I worked full time, I always had full time help. I had a house cleaner and sitter. Sometimes the sitter dropped kids off at after-school activities and I picked up. Sometimes I would take one to piano or violin lessons, leaving sitter with the other kids. I had 4 weeks vacation. She also got 4 weeks. I treated her like a salaried employee but she was more like family, so I never had issues there.

Of course I resented the hours at times, like when I was home with a newborn and he was traveling. I even had to be induced to fit his travel schedule.

But, I also quit my job when I felt like a pizza that had been sliced into too many pieces. I didn’t resent my spouse; I resented my job. So I quit to have more time to balance it all.

As you describe it, you are carrying 100% of the load for the kids. Do you have a sitter? How do you handle summers and sick kids? My sitter was invaluable to us. We couldn’t have done it without her expertise and dedication.

I would recommend trying to reframe or redirect your resentment. You can afford help. If there’s a reason you can’t let go of everything, consider asking why. Otherwise, get help so you and your spouse can support one another.

Op here - kids are in elementary school and daycare. I handle sick days by staying home with them. Kids go to summer camp.

DH makes good money but not insane money even for a partner. I think last year he made $550k with bonus. So we can’t realistically pay a full time housekeeper or something like that.

Maybe we could have a nanny but we felt that daycare actually was a better fit for our extroverted kids who needed to be around other kids during the day. But I would be open to a part time helper to do laundry or cooking or dropping kids off at sports. How do you find someone who only wants to work a few hours a day?

[Anonymous]

The people I know in your shoes who are happy have flexible help! Like a live in grandparent or an au pair or live in nanny who drives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you continue to be supportive and not resentful of your spouses work hours? My DH has been in law for the entire time that I have known him. I obviously knew what the gig was before we got married and agreed to it. But over the years I feel like I have become more resentful of how many hours he works and the stress that comes with the job. He has moved up from staff attorney to counsel to partner in the past 12 years and the work hasn't lessened although the comp has gone up.

We have young children (under the age of 8) and I do the majority of the work. I also work fulltime in a flexible 40 hour a week job. I do all of the pick ups and drop offs, sports practices, doctors appointments, school related things. When he has downtime he helps where he can around the house, with the kids, church stuff, etc but when he is busy I know it will inevitably be a 6am-10pm sort of day for him and I will need to take care of everything else.

For those of you have raised kids and been there/done that with spouses in big law how did you handle it? Did you just get used to it over the years? I want to be less resentful and I know that he is doing this to provide a comfortable life for ourselves and our kids but it just gets to be a lot day in and day out.

Well...how much does he make? Because, as Don Draper memorably put it, "That's what the money's for!"

--engineer who makes a very moderate $150k on a four-day-per-week schedule. we all make choices.

[Anonymous]

I assumed that all spouses of biglaw partners SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 30 yrs. In that time we’ve had 4 kids, he’s gone from associate to partner, worked govt and also big law. I have worked full time 23 yrs. When I worked full time, I always had full time help. I had a house cleaner and sitter. Sometimes the sitter dropped kids off at after-school activities and I picked up. Sometimes I would take one to piano or violin lessons, leaving sitter with the other kids. I had 4 weeks vacation. She also got 4 weeks. I treated her like a salaried employee but she was more like family, so I never had issues there.

Of course I resented the hours at times, like when I was home with a newborn and he was traveling. I even had to be induced to fit his travel schedule.

But, I also quit my job when I felt like a pizza that had been sliced into too many pieces. I didn’t resent my spouse; I resented my job. So I quit to have more time to balance it all.

As you describe it, you are carrying 100% of the load for the kids. Do you have a sitter? How do you handle summers and sick kids? My sitter was invaluable to us. We couldn’t have done it without her expertise and dedication.

I would recommend trying to reframe or redirect your resentment. You can afford help. If there’s a reason you can’t let go of everything, consider asking why. Otherwise, get help so you and your spouse can support one another.

Op here - kids are in elementary school and daycare. I handle sick days by staying home with them. Kids go to summer camp.

DH makes good money but not insane money even for a partner. I think last year he made $550k with bonus. So we can’t realistically pay a full time housekeeper or something like that.

Maybe we could have a nanny but we felt that daycare actually was a better fit for our extroverted kids who needed to be around other kids during the day. But I would be open to a part time helper to do laundry or cooking or dropping kids off at sports. How do you find someone who only wants to work a few hours a day?

Seriously? So with your income, you've got what, $700k coming in, and you can't pay for a housekeeper on that?? Why not?

[Anonymous]

You need to hire someone for pickups and dropoffs and whatever else you can outsource. That is what people in biglaw do. That is why he gets paid so much.

[Anonymous]

If he’s a partner, you can afford to either stop working or hire help. It’s important that you talk this through with him and that you both find an arrangement that works. Someone working 40 hours per week shouldn’t be handling all of the household/child responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a partner, you can afford to either stop working or hire help. It’s important that you talk this through with him and that you both find an arrangement that works. Someone working 40 hours per week shouldn’t be handling all of the household/child responsibilities.

I agree that someone whose DH gets paid half a million a year doesn't need to be cleaning the house and doing all the activity driving. But otherwise, working 40 hours a week does not exempt the vast, vast majority of American parents from also handling these roles.

[Anonymous]

Why cant you afford a housekeeper?

[Anonymous]

Not biglaw but similar, and I think my happiness rests on the fact that I am a SAHM. There is no way I would be willing to take on the load that I do while working full time.

[Anonymous]

Being resentful is a choice. You can get an au pair or outsource much of the house-related work. You make enough and if you don’t feel that you do, you’re in need of financial planning assistance. Fwiw tho, it gets easier as the kids get older and start driving themselves. In the meantime, invest in your marriage and your own well-being by investing in help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 30 yrs. In that time we’ve had 4 kids, he’s gone from associate to partner, worked govt and also big law. I have worked full time 23 yrs. When I worked full time, I always had full time help. I had a house cleaner and sitter. Sometimes the sitter dropped kids off at after-school activities and I picked up. Sometimes I would take one to piano or violin lessons, leaving sitter with the other kids. I had 4 weeks vacation. She also got 4 weeks. I treated her like a salaried employee but she was more like family, so I never had issues there.

Of course I resented the hours at times, like when I was home with a newborn and he was traveling. I even had to be induced to fit his travel schedule.

But, I also quit my job when I felt like a pizza that had been sliced into too many pieces. I didn’t resent my spouse; I resented my job. So I quit to have more time to balance it all.

As you describe it, you are carrying 100% of the load for the kids. Do you have a sitter? How do you handle summers and sick kids? My sitter was invaluable to us. We couldn’t have done it without her expertise and dedication.

I would recommend trying to reframe or redirect your resentment. You can afford help. If there’s a reason you can’t let go of everything, consider asking why. Otherwise, get help so you and your spouse can support one another.

Op here - kids are in elementary school and daycare. I handle sick days by staying home with them. Kids go to summer camp.

DH makes good money but not insane money even for a partner. I think last year he made $550k with bonus. So we can’t realistically pay a full time housekeeper or something like that.

Maybe we could have a nanny but we felt that daycare actually was a better fit for our extroverted kids who needed to be around other kids during the day. But I would be open to a part time helper to do laundry or cooking or dropping kids off at sports. How do you find someone who only wants to work a few hours a day?

You could afford an au pair. Have you ever considered help like that?

[Anonymous]

Why can’t you get a housekeeper? People get someone to clean their house weekly earning much less.