Spouses of big law partners/lawyers

[Anonymous]

Just to give you the view from the other side. My DH could not get over the resentment, so I quit the law firm for a less intense job to give us a more balanced life. Now he complains about money. Sigh.

OP, you have choices, but getting your DH to help around the house more while pulling down $500k/year at a law firm is not one of them. If you would rather have more help from DH and less money, that is one conversation. If you would rather have the money, then realize that is his contribution and yours is the hands-on stuff. Hire/outsource or quit your job as needed to make it work, but don't take it out on him.

As Lao Tzu says, "Take what you want, and pay for it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assumed that all spouses of biglaw partners SAH.

Nope, many do not, even with kids. A more Flexible job and help tends to be much more common than the SAH spouse nowadays. My brother is a partner and his wife has a really interesting job at a university. Another partner has a wife who went in house but isn’t General counsel level. Another partner has a spouse that works in the arts.

I do know one partner whose spouse is an i banker. They have kids. Lots of help.

[Anonymous]

I’m a happy spouse of a big law partner, but I currently SAH and will work only part time in a passion job when my kids are older. We also have a housekeeper 30 hours a week AND a nanny 30 hours a week. Your spouse doesn’t make enough to pay for that but you can definitely get more help than you have. Frankly I’d consider an au pair; they’re cheaper than a nanny and if you find someone you like, they provide some companionship as well. You can also find someone to do housekeeping for a few hours a day so at least you don’t have to do dishes or laundry.

My other suggestions for making it work vis-à-vis your spouse are:
1. Establish a weekly date night that can only be canceled in extreme cases. My husband and I do this and knowing I have a reserved time with him away from the kids helps enormously.
2. Discuss with him what kind of expectations you have regarding his weekly availability with the family. My DH is with us for dinner and bedtime from 6:30-8:00 pretty much 90% of the time. He can have meetings that go until 6:30, and calls that start at 8, but he doesn’t schedule anything in between. This is the kind of thing he couldn’t do as an associate but as a partner he absolutely can.
3. Discuss a clear schedule for the weekend as well. My DH only does intermittent emails on the weekend and is otherwise available but when things get busy for him we’ll say Sunday afternoons are time for work and so i know to plan something on my own for that time.

I don’t resent my DHs work because I know he enjoys it, and I also know it provides a lot for our family. But I DEFINITELY would resent it if I didn’t have all these other things in place.

[Anonymous]

I did not pass off any child-related duties unless absolutely necessary because I wanted to do those things. But absolutely outsourced everything else I could. Give up on the resentment. Assume he’ll be no help.

[Anonymous]

Easy, I became a SAHM and I insist he spend time with the family.

It’s totally fair, OP, for you to say this isn’t sustainable. Your needs are just as important as his and right now your needs aren’t being met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a partner, you can afford to either stop working or hire help. It’s important that you talk this through with him and that you both find an arrangement that works. Someone working 40 hours per week shouldn’t be handling all of the household/child responsibilities.

I agree that someone whose DH gets paid half a million a year doesn't need to be cleaning the house and doing all the activity driving. But otherwise, working 40 hours a week does not exempt the vast, vast majority of American parents from also handling these roles.

OP works 40 hours while also handling nearly all household/child responsibilities to support her biglaw spouse. That arrangement is neither fair nor sustainable. She needs support and if their combined income isn’t enough to pay for it, they’re making poor life choices.

In families where both spouses have more typical 40-50 hour/week jobs, usually the husband takes on more responsibilities. The wife can’t do it all!

[Anonymous]

Op here with some salient additional information:

1) I make around $100,000 per year but I really work for my health insurance and retirement, which we get through my job.
2) our house isn’t big enough for an au pair and I don’t really feel like having a late teen/early 20 year old to also take care of (per experiences from friends who have had au pairs)
3) we do have bi-weekly cleaners and landscapers who cut the yard and do clean ups/weeding/etc
4) we are still paying off student loans (+$250,000 between DH and myself undergrad plus grad for him and grad for me) but should be done in 3 years thank god. So between student loans and daycare costs the past 8 years we are severely behind on retirement and savings

I think what would really help is someone in the afternoons to help kids with homework/shuttle them around when needed/make dinner/help with laundry. So someone 3-4 hours a day. Is that possible? How much would that cost?

[Anonymous]

An after school sitter is definitely possible but because it isn’t even half time, the hourly cost is more. Back in the day I was paying around $25 an hour for a kind and organized community college student who also took over homework.

[Anonymous]

OP, resentment is a choice.

This is the tradeoff to his job. You might think 550k/yr is small potatoes for a law firm partner working long hours, but it puts you in the 98th percentile for HHI in the US, even before your income. That means that there are only a tiny percent of families in this country with more money than you. Do you think aaaaaall those families with less money than you have it easier. Do you think they all have easy jobs and are home by 5:30? Do you think all those husbands are pitching in 50%, or even 30%, of the work with the kids?

No. Almost none of them are. You are in a better position than 98% of the country, financially. The drawback is your DH works long hours in a stressful job. You can choose to be resentful of that, or you can choose to recognize that you have more options than almost everyone else in the world, and figure out which of those options will work for you. If you want to be a SAHM, be a SAHM. If you want to quit your job and try consulting part time so that you can have maximum flexibility, do that. If you want to take a few years off to address burnout and then go back to work, do that. If you want to keep working but get full time help, that is absolutely possible on your combined salary. If you want to get part time help to see if that sufficient to ease the burden, do that. These are all options that are completely out of reach to the vast majority of people, and you can simply choose any of them! Lucky you.

You might have to compromise a little to make some of these work. If you live in a big, nice house in a really good neighborhood, it might take full time help or you quitting off the table. But you could move to something older or smaller. If you have 3 or more kids, that's probably curbing some of your options a bit, and you will have to make sacrifices to make that work (but 3+ kids is not something that just "happens" to peopel at your income level, so deal with it).

Sitting around fuming because your DH, who makes enough money to give your family all of these options for how to run your lives and find happiness, has to work a lot? It's a choice you are making. You are choosing to be unhappy. You have other options. Choose one of those instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married 30 yrs. In that time we’ve had 4 kids, he’s gone from associate to partner, worked govt and also big law. I have worked full time 23 yrs. When I worked full time, I always had full time help. I had a house cleaner and sitter. Sometimes the sitter dropped kids off at after-school activities and I picked up. Sometimes I would take one to piano or violin lessons, leaving sitter with the other kids. I had 4 weeks vacation. She also got 4 weeks. I treated her like a salaried employee but she was more like family, so I never had issues there.

Of course I resented the hours at times, like when I was home with a newborn and he was traveling. I even had to be induced to fit his travel schedule.

But, I also quit my job when I felt like a pizza that had been sliced into too many pieces. I didn’t resent my spouse; I resented my job. So I quit to have more time to balance it all.

As you describe it, you are carrying 100% of the load for the kids. Do you have a sitter? How do you handle summers and sick kids? My sitter was invaluable to us. We couldn’t have done it without her expertise and dedication.

I would recommend trying to reframe or redirect your resentment. You can afford help. If there’s a reason you can’t let go of everything, consider asking why. Otherwise, get help so you and your spouse can support one another.

Op here - kids are in elementary school and daycare. I handle sick days by staying home with them. Kids go to summer camp.

DH makes good money but not insane money even for a partner. I think last year he made $550k with bonus. So we can’t realistically pay a full time housekeeper or something like that.

Maybe we could have a nanny but we felt that daycare actually was a better fit for our extroverted kids who needed to be around other kids during the day. But I would be open to a part time helper to do laundry or cooking or dropping kids off at sports. How do you find someone who only wants to work a few hours a day?

Seriously? So with your income, you've got what, $700k coming in, and you can't pay for a housekeeper on that?? Why not?

+1

We have 3 kids in private and a FT Nanny who does all laundry, daily cleaning, and groceries. We also have a weekly cleaning service. Our HHI must be similar. If you can't afford help AND saving >30% you have money management problems.

[Anonymous]

My mom did this, without much outside help…and to this day I am just in AWE of her. I don’t know how she did it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was able to find after school help by working with a nanny agency. It was about $25 an hour but that was pre covid, I’m sure it’s more expensive now, and that doesn’t include payroll, finders’ fee and tax fees. You pay significantly more per hour for part time childcare than for a nanny and the worker is more likely to quit on you to find full time work, so be aware that you may need to work with an agency (and pay them) more than once.

[Anonymous]

My DH works every day, commutes 30 min each way, and works most weekends. I work full time and we have 3 kids (ages 6 mo. - 6yrs). I used to resent my DH, but then I realized that it's because of his income and sacrifice that we live the life we live. I work (make about $100k, but also like you, have health insurance and great benefits - flexible schedule, work from home, unlimited sick time, etc). So when the kids are sick, yes I'm the one covering, when there's an event at school, you bet I'm the only one that shows up. BUT - we live in a beautiful house, in a lovely neighborhood, and I don't give money a second thought. My DH isn't around much (he pops in for dinner, but honestly after that he's exhausted, so he relaxes while I get the kids to bed). He's away most weekends at work and I handle all kids on my own, shuffling to activities/playgrounds/etc. But instead of being resentful, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that DH sacrifices so much to give us a very comfortable life, I'm grateful that I'm able to work a flexible job that I love AND spend more time with my kids, I'm grateful that we have a cleaner who cleans our house once a week (but you bet I'm the only one cleaning in between). I think it's a perspective shift that you need to work on. Am I exhausted, absolutely, but he is too and his exhaustion is definitely more stressful than mine. If he slacks off, our bills suffer, if I slack off,maybe a kid misses a bath or the dishes sit until the next day. At the end of the day, his stress is so much greater than mine even though mine may feel monumental at times.

Appreciate one another for what you both bring to the table - it was this mindset shift that saved my marriage from divorce.

[Anonymous]

The nanny agency guaranteed a year of employment or they would help me find a replacement employee for free - but if she quits on month 12.5 or 13, you have to pay the full agency fee again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here with some salient additional information:

1) I make around $100,000 per year but I really work for my health insurance and retirement, which we get through my job.
2) our house isn’t big enough for an au pair and I don’t really feel like having a late teen/early 20 year old to also take care of (per experiences from friends who have had au pairs)
3) we do have bi-weekly cleaners and landscapers who cut the yard and do clean ups/weeding/etc
4) we are still paying off student loans (+$250,000 between DH and myself undergrad plus grad for him and grad for me) but should be done in 3 years thank god. So between student loans and daycare costs the past 8 years we are severely behind on retirement and savings

I think what would really help is someone in the afternoons to help kids with homework/shuttle them around when needed/make dinner/help with laundry. So someone 3-4 hours a day. Is that possible? How much would that cost?

Ah, ok, now I get it. You are at HHI 650k with 250k debt. I see the conundrum. Hire someone to do the driving and waiting for the after-school activities. Target a college kid who needs extra cash and is responsible.

I responded with the similar income and FT nanny comment, but our situations are not the same. We began with no debt and generous sign on bonuses from our jobs and gifts from family. These make a huge difference! So apologies for the pre-judgement.

If I were you I'd pay a responsible hourly driver and pay down that debt ASAP as it will be a dark cloud that looms over an early retirement.