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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]MAN, people are being harsh. I am really sorry, OP. I am a lawyer in a much lower-paying job because I knew I couldn't handle the big law lifestyle as a mom, but I have a ton of good friends in this situation and have a lot of empathy for it.

You can definitely find some additional household help! Ask friends who have nannies, cleaning ladies, etc. A friend of mine pays her friends' morning nanny to drive her kids around in the afternoon, and together, that is a full-time job for that woman. Is there a trustworthy teen in your neighborhood who could watch your kids for a few hours while you get 1:1 time with another one of the kids or go do something for yourself? You could look for a housekeeper on care.com, local mom groups, etc. I am constantly seeing "my nanny needs more hours!" kind of posts in my neighborhood.

It sounds like you don't want to scale back at work, and I totally get that. To get some immediate relief, take a look at your calendar and plan a few random days off and DO NOT FILL THEM WITH KID STUFF. Do whatever makes you feel human and relaxed. Ask a friend or neighbor to grab your kids after school for a couple of hours. I guarantee you there are people in your network who see you doing everything and want to help. I would love to do this for a friend.

Hang in there, OP! [/quote]

I am being harsh on OP specifically because I do know people in this situation and OP is being ridiculous. She didn't ask for ideas for how to find a nanny or how to get help from her "network" -- she's complaining that she resents her husband, who is working long hours at a stressful job to support a OP and their three children. He makes 5x what OP makes.

And when people have said "yes, you need to outsource, hire someone" OP keeps making excuses. Her house is too small for an au pair (of course it is, they have 3 kids), she doesn't think they can afford a housekeeper because of their loans, etc.

People are being harsh because OP is complaining about a solvable problem that she absolutely has the means to resolve. If she was saying "My DH won't let us hire a nanny" or "I really didn't want to have a third kid but DH insisted and now I'm overwhelmed," that would be different. But she literally just resents that her DH's job, which brings in a half million dollars a year and makes their entire life possible, takes too much time and is too stressful. I have the same amount of empathy for OP as I have for all working parents, but I don't have extra sympathy for her situation because her DH is a Big Law partner and works long hours. I know lots of women in the same situation and they all find a way to make it work. I also know plenty of people who are making it work on a fraction of the income, but still with demanding or stressful jobs. OP needs to stop complaining and actually do the things already within her control to make her life better.[/quote]

Quoted PP here. I understand where you’re coming from to a point (I, in fact, make it work on a fraction of the income) but I still don’t think the nastiness directed at OP is warranted. People forget so easily that there is a human being on the side of the post. Putting household help into place takes work that can feel impossible when you are already burnt out. There is a gentler way to give feedback. [/quote]

I also think that hiring help is hard? We have tried multiple laundry services and they have all been disappointing in various ways (had a great one where we used to live so I know it is possible!) and had a housekeeper (who came recommended) ruin precious baby photos. I struggle to trust child care out of organized settings because so many people have told me their nanny horror stories and I have seen some shitty nanny behavior with my own eyes (like a little girl who tried to leave a play space with my daughter and I because her nanny wasn’t even there, she was sitting on her phone 20 feet away from the entrance ignoring her and if I hadn’t walked her back, she definitely was out of there). It’s definitely all easier now my kids are a little older but when I had toddlers it was hard especially. If her husband was doing the work to find and vet all this help that would be one thing but it’s not like you can just wave a wand and throw money in the air and get boat loads of good help. And then you have someone great and they move or whatever. It’s not the same as having a partner. [/quote]

This is all true and is frequently glossed over by DCUM. If outsourcing worked as well as DCUMers seem to believe, my life would be a dream. [/quote]

Yes!!! One of the PPs defensive of OP here.

I guess this is what I am getting at. I have had multiple nannies. One was absolutely terrible and lying to us about significant things regarding the care of our teeny baby, despite having had tons of amazing references. One was great, but managing her was a part-time job. And one was absolutely exceptional, but she kind of fell into our laps and I feel extraordinarily lucky. I current have help with laundry (life changing, highly recommend) but I only found it through a friend whose nanny needed extra hours.  I have waded through care.com without help from my DH because he is not great at these things, and it was a huge and burdensome task. That doesn't mean OP shouldn't try, but I think it's nasty to mock someone who is clearly struggling for being hesitant to jumping into another big emotional labor task. [/quote]

People are not mocking OP. They are telling her the truth.

I too have struggled to find good childcare and other outsourcing help. My DH also doesn't help with that stuff at all. But my DH also doesn't make 550k a year.

I think the point of the criticism is that OP's problems are not unique -- lots of women in dual income couples deal with this. But she's framing it as "this is uniquely hard because of DH's job" and is missing that her DH's income actually makes it all easier.

I have tons of empathy for women trying to make it all work with kids, a job, and an unhelpful spouse. But OP's spouse is more helpful than most, in that he's at least working hard to earn a very good salary for their family that will enable them to hire some of this stuff out (or SAHM if that's what she wanted).

Also, OP is being almost intentionally dense about some of this stuff. People have made good, helpful suggestions to her and she's dismissed all of them. People suggested an au pair, she says no room. People have suggested ways to structure finances to afford a nanny and/or housekeeper, she ignores them. Someone suggested she see if she can move to part-time and still keep her benefits since that seems to be her main reason for continuing in this job, and she replied with a non-answer about her work varies a bit in required hours.

OP mostly seems to want people to feel sorry for her and agree her DH is a big meany for [checks notes] making 85% of their large income. It's unclear if she thinks this would all be easier if he had a job making 180k and more free time. My guess is that what would happen is that she'd STILL be doing most of the work with the kids and at home, but with far less cash on hadn't to do anything about it.[/quote]

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